Country Boy's Guide To Understanding the Bible, CornFed [best adventure books to read TXT] 📗

a natural looking dog, then your dog might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

25 – If you’ve ever been laughed out of the Junior High Dance because you wore polyester pants and a cotton shirt, then you might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

26 – If you have ever gotten slapped on the wrist with a ruler for playing the Ouija board during detention, then you might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

27 - If your uncle ended up on Americas Most Wanted because he pimped out his daughter, then both of them might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

28- If you’ve ever known someone who back-talked his mama or daddy and then got shot in the chest with a shotgun, then they might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

29- If you’ve seen someone shoot a dog that was humping himself in the chest within 10 yards of your sister, the dog might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

30 – If you’ve ever seen the preachers’ daughter dancing naked at the strip club and then found tragically burned in a cornfield the next morning, then she might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

31 – If you’ve ever had anal sex with the prom queen and then she put a corn cobb up your fanny while you were passed out, then you might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus. That eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth thing is trouble.

32 – If you’ve ever turned your unpaid bills over to God and God gave them to the sheriff, then you might be a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

33 – If you’ve ever signed a mortgage certificate that listed God as the lender, then you might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

34 – If you’ve ever had one of your dad’s drinking buddies file for bankruptcy and then move into your bedroom and eat all your cereal, then you might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

35 – If everyone who has ever worked for the family business was related to each other, then they might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

36 – If you’ve ever known someone who bought and sold people on the open market, then they might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

37 – If your dad started smoking and then had the worst business year of his entire life, then he might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

38 – If your grandmother quit going to church and then broke 7 bones in her legs and had 7 dead bodies lying in her yard the next morning, each with 7 bullet holes to the head and covered in the remains of her 7 dogs, and on the 7’th day of the week she lost 7 toes in a tragic lawnmower accident at exactly 7 PM while drinking Segram’s 7, then she might had been the victim of the rules of Leviticus. The 7 shit is killer I tell you.

39 – If your elderly great grandmother, who eats cat food and lives in a tent behind your house, gives 10% of her pension to the Church each week, then she might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

Really, at the end of the day, this book is about squeezing every bit of fun out of life. But, I was also humbled by the time I was done with it. I became more thankful for where I am at in life, where I was born, when I was born, and the fact I can practice due diligence with my procreation parts.

Honestly, and I say this with admiration for our friend the Israelites, I wouldn’t have lasted a day during those times. They would have killed me from the hello…..

“How the shit-fire are ya’ll turkey terds doing? Nice tits! Want a beer? It’s Sunday celebration after all!”


Book 4 – Numbers – A Lesson On What Happens When You Won’t Do Something For Yourself – Followed By Why We Have Women’s Liberation

I don’t like math and encountering this here book title in the Bible had me more nervous than Grandma at the Rotary Club luncheon. Women just don’t belong at the Rotary Club; a book about numbers don’t belong in the Bible.

But, lucky for you, and I, whomever came up with the title or this book didn’t have the foggiest idea what it was really about. Although there are quite a bit of numbers scattered through this whole thing, but it’s more in line with a “Census” than anything else. God, much like the United States, is a huge fan of a Census, a count of men and women who fit a certain profile. God asked Moses for the following as part of the Census count:

“How many Israelite men can fight? I don’t mean so-so fight, I mean how many of these m’fers can pull a sword, throw a rock, and swing a club with some skill?”

Moses replies back with

“Oh, about 603, 550…give or take a few women who look like men.”

And, taking a number from the future Native Americans and Africans, the Census was done according to their Tribe. Unfortunately, no one really took the liberty to live a little and come up with some very cool tribe names to make the Census even half-way interesting. They lack creativity compared to today’s tribes.

For example, in Africa, I’ve heard of the Watusi tribe, a death-on-a-stick tribe of men and women who would eat your intestines if you so much as blew snot on the ground. Even the name, pronounced “WaaaToooooSiiiii” gets me a bit nervous.

And Native Americans had it down pretty good too…the “Apache”. You tell me, but wouldn’t you just hate to meet up with a bunch of men who were in a gang called the Apache? I wouldn’t even attempt to sniper their asses with my deer rifle with a name like that.

But not so with the Israelites. They had names like “Tribe of Gad” which is Hebrew for “a bunch of men wearing flip flops and turbins”. Another few tribes that stuck out was the “Tribe of Dan”, “Tribe of Benjamin”, and the “Tribe of Reuben”. Yeah, just makes you want to run for the hills in complete terror doesn’t it? Although, admittedly, the Tribe of Reuben does sort of make me a bit scared of the potential outcome if captured by them. Would they make me wear a dress and dance in circles while they beat their drums?

Shiver me timbers.

It’s also worth mentioning here that there was one tribe who didn’t get counted in the Census of fighting men. That would be the Levites. I cannot explain to you why they were singled out for a different purpose. That doesn’t mean the author of Numbers doesn’t provide an explanation, it just means I don’t understand it enough to explain it to a normal human being in terms that will make you say “Ah, yes, perfect sense!”

So, if I was having a conversation with God, it would go something like this:

“God, hey, curious. Why in the world did you single out the Levites like that?”

“When I killed the first born of the Egyptian Pharoah’s nation, I set aside all the males of the Levites for myself.”

“Ok, um, well, did you at least ask them what they wanted to do?”

“They are mine. I am the Lord.”

Bummer.

So God appointed a bunch of men named the Levites to take care of the Tabernacle of the Covenant, which as you remember from a previous book, was the “holy residence” of God Himself, something that had to be toted from place to place as they followed the smoke signal coming from the Chimney.

Unfortunately for the Levites, they didn’t just have to pressure wash this thing every now and again. Nope. They were the first road crew in the history of mankind apparently, for they had a very large 600,000+ rock’n’roll type band who was always on the move, following a smoke signal from a geenie lamp. To put this into perspective, this is what the life of a Levite looked like after he was chosen by God to take care of Camp Tabernacle.

1. Set up camp around Tabernacle.
2. Clean the gutters
3. Dust off the lamps
4. Clean the Golden Toilets
5. Do something holy
6. Tear down the Tabernacle
7. Follow the army
8. Re-assemble the Tabernacle
9. Set up camp around the Tabernacle
10. Clean the gutters
11. Dust off the lamps
12. Clean the Golden Toilets
13. Do something holy
14. Tear down the Tabernacle
15. Repeat

And we say this God is a fair God…I digress.
The next few chapters of Numbers goes into another Census, this time of the Levites and it involved males one month old or older but not old enough to be considered young men. Then there was some silver changing hands, some kind of redemption price tag based on the weird logic that said there were 273 more kids living than what had been redeemed from the Egyptian-first-born-killed-fiasco a few books back. It was sort of how the credit card companies work today, trying to pull a fee over on you because you bought more fishing rods than your credit card would allow by one penny because they changed the goddamn due date.

All I know is that it seems to me Moses and his son Aaron made out like a bandit with a metric-ass-ton of silver coins because the Levites were not using their LambSkin condoms correctly.
And then we have another Censuse within the Levites, for those men who could be of service to the Tabernacle, as I mentioned above. And then we had another shit-ton of rules and regulations, followed immediately by a description of the consequences if the rules were not followed. Usually the consequnces regarding some misuse of the Tabernacle went something like this:

Rules #1 – If you “look at the golden toilet”, you will die.

Rule #2 – If you “use or touch the golden toilet”, you will die.
Etc, etc, etc…

And then some common stuff like

Rule #Umpteen - “remove anyone with a skin disease

Rule #Sumpteen - “remove anyone who touched a dead person”

Rule #Pumpteen - “don’t do wrong to another person”

Rule #UmptySumpteen - “don’t have sex with another man who isn’t your spouse”

Rule #DooDahICannotStopGivingRules - “especially if you are a man”

Although it would seem that anything related to very vile juicy things, like sex and skin disease, has the most stipulations against it, there appears to be a new thread of bias towards a certain member of the human race. I’ll give you a hint.”it was created after man”…”it’s the only thing known to life that can bleed for 7 days and still live”…”it burns bras when cornered” and “it has 2 things mounted on the dashboard we all love, as infants and adults”…give up?

Women. For the first time, it is apparent women start getting the ass end of the God deal. For starters, if a woman has sex with another man while married, she can be forever cursed to never have children. Granted, some girls I know would love to have that curse but back then, I think it’s the equivalent of having a woman’s hair shaved in today’s age.

But it