Bridge Of Writing (Domination #1), DeYtH Banger [free biff chip and kipper ebooks txt] 📗

in the interim), we have a Greek joke book whose contents have survived to today.

 

That book, Philogelos, (full book here) dates to around the 4th or 5th century AD and includes 265 jokes, a selection of which shows a wide range of humor and, in some cases, how little basic joke themes have changed over the centuries:

 

An intellectual was told by someone: “your beard is now coming in.” So he went to the rear-entrance and waited for it. Another intellectual asked what he was doing. Once he heard the whole story, he said: “I’m not surprised that people say we lack common sense. How do you know that it’s not coming in by the other gate?”

 

Someone needled a jokester: “I had your wife, without paying a dime.” He replied: “It’s my duty as a husband to couple with such a monstrosity. What made you do it?”

 

A man with bad breath asked his wife: “Madame, why do you hate me? And she replied: “Because you love me.”

A young man invited into his home frisky old women. He said to his servants: “Mix a drink for one, and have sex with the other, if she wants to.” The women spoke up as one: “I’m not thirsty.”

 

A misogynist was sick, at death’s door. When his wife said to him, “If anything bad happens to you, I’ll hang myself,” he looked up at her and said: “Do me the favor while I’m still alive.”

 

An intellectual during the night ravished his grandmother and for this got a beating from his father. The intellectual complained: “You’ve been mounting my mother for a long time, without suffering any consequences from me. And now you’re mad that you found me screwing your mother for the first time ever!?”

 

Consulting a hotheaded doctor, a fellow says: “Professor, I’m unable to lie down or stand up; I can’t even sit down.” The doctor responds: “I guess the only thing left is to hang yourself.”

 

A student dunce went swimming and almost drowned. So now he swears he’ll never get into water until he’s really learned to swim.

A misogynist stood in the marketplace and announced: “I’m putting my wife up for sale, tax-free!” When people asked him why, he said: “So the authorities will impound her.”

 

Finally, there are a few riddles from the 10th century AD Anglo-Saxons recorded in the Exeter Codex that are generally regarded as the first known English jokes (albeit Old English) due to their double entendre nature. For example: “What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before? Answer: A key.”

 

And the similar themed:

 

I am a wondrous creature for women in expectation, a service for neighbors. I harm none of the citizens except my slayer alone. My stem is erect, I stand up in bed, hairy somewhere down below. A very comely peasant’s daughter, dares sometimes, proud maiden, that she grips at me, attacks me in my redness, plunders my head, confines me in a stronghold, feels my encounter directly, woman with braided hair. Wet be that eye.

 

Answer: An Onion

Why We Kiss Under the Mistletoe

 by Daven Hiskey

 

If you’ve ever wondered why we kiss under the mistletoe and how the plant got that strange name, well, wonder no more.

The name for mistletoe derives the fact that mistletoe tends to spring from bird droppings that have fallen on trees, with the seeds having passed through the digestive tract of the birds. Thus, the plant was given the name “misteltan” in Old English from “mistel”, meaning “dung”, and “tan”, the plural of “ta”, meaning “twig”. Hence, “mistletoe” is another way to essentially say “dung twig”.

Not only is mistletoe a dung twig, but most varieties of this plant are partial parasites, being unable to sustain themselves on their own photosynthesis, so they leach what they need from the particular tree they are growing on. Some varieties of mistletoe, such as the North America Arceuthobium pussilum, are full parasites in that they get all their resources from the tree they are growing on and have no leaves.

 

So where did the tradition of kissing under a parasitic poop twig come from? The mistletoe has been considered a prized plant throughout history going all the way back to the Ancient Greeks, Celts, the Babylonians, and Scandinavians. For instance, the Ancient Greeks considered the plant an aphrodisiac; believed it aided in fertility; and could be used to achieve eternal life.

According to Ancient Babylonian legend, they had the closest thing to our current tradition of kissing under the mistletoe. At that time, single women looking for a mate supposedly would stand outside of the temple of the goddess of love. Mistletoe was hung over the entrance to the temple and when a potential suitor would approach one of the ladies, they were supposed to bond with him. They did not kiss, however, as kissing wasn’t a way to show affection at that time in the Babylonian empire.

 

As for a more direct root of our kissing tradition, Norseman had many traditions and legends concerning the mistletoe. One tradition was that mistletoe was a plant of peace and so that when enemies met under the mistletoe they were obliged to stop fighting for at least a day. Eventually, this spawned a tradition to hang mistletoe over the doorway of one’s home for peace and good luck.

Mistletoe became associated with Christmas from this tradition of hanging mistletoe in one’s home to bring good luck and peace to those within the house. The mistletoe would be hung around the New Year and the previous year’s mistletoe would be taken down, with its powers apparently tapped. The new plant would then provide this luck throughout the year.

By the 18th century in Britain, this evolved into the kissing tradition we have today. At this time, it became popular to create a ball of mistletoe that would be hung as a Christmas decoration. If a couple was found standing under the mistletoe, they were then obliged to kiss if the mistletoe ball still had berries. For each kiss, one berry would be taken from the ball. Once all the berries were gone, all the “luck” in love and marriage was considered to be drained out of the mistletoe and it was now considered bad luck to kiss beneath it, instead of good luck as before.

 

Bonus Facts:

 

According to Norse legend, when the god Baldur and his mother both had a dream concerning his death, his mother Frigga made nearly all things on Earth, both living and dead, promise to never harm her son. She extracted this promise from all things except mistletoe, which she felt was too young to make such a promise. At this point, one of the god’s new pastimes was to throw various objects that would normally kill a person or god at Baldur, which would all bounce off without harming him. The god Loki then tricked Baldur’s blind brother into throwing a small spear with the tip made from a mistletoe twig at Baldur, killing him. Baldur’s brother was then killed for this act by the gods. Eventually, it was discovered that Loki had been behind the whole thing and he was tied down with a serpent over him that would drip venom on his face, which had an acidic effect. His wife then would sit over him and stop the venom from dripping on his face by collecting it in a bowl. When the bowl was filled and she had to empty it, inevitably some of the venom would drip on his face causing him to thrash about, thus resulting in earthquakes according to their legend. Frigga’s tears over her fallen son were then said to be where the white berries on mistletoe come from. The Druids also considered mistletoe sacred. The Roman historian Pliny the Elder described in detail the ritual performed by the Druids collecting mistletoe: “Here we must mention the reverence felt for this plant by the Gauls. The Druids — for thusly are their priests named – hold nothing more sacred than the mistletoe and the tree that bears it, as long as that tree be an oak…. Mistletoe is very rarely encountered; but when they do find some, they gather it, in a solemn ritual…. After preparing for a sacrifice and a feast under the oak, they hail the mistletoe as a cure-all and bring two white bulls there, whose horns have never been bound before. A priest dressed in a white robe climbs the oak and with a golden sickle cuts the mistletoe, which is caught in a white cloak. Then they sacrifice the victims, begging the god, who gave them the mistletoe as a gift, to make it propitious for them. They believe that a potion prepared from mistletoe will make sterile animals fertile, and that the plant is an antidote for any poison. Such is the supernatural power with which peoples often invest even the most trifling things” (Natural History, XVI, 249-251; translation by David Beaulieu) Another custom in England concerning mistletoe was for young girls to each take a mistletoe leaf and put it under their pillows at night.  They would then supposedly dream about a particular boy or man they wanted to marry someday.  In the morning, they would burn the leaf.  If it crackled while it burned, that was said to mean they would have an unhappy marriage with the one they dreamed about.  If it burned without crackling, they would supposedly have a happy marriage with that person, if they were to wed them. Friend

by IAmAdri

 

September 1, 2014:

 

Tomorrow, I start middle school and my little sister starts first grade. My sister’s name is Miliana and my name is Macie. I don’t want to go to school tomorrow because I’m a new kid and every new kid gets bullied their first week. The rest of the school year, the bullies will most likely stop but last year, I heard that more than half of their little bully group got expelled for doing bad things like graffiti, beating up kids and trespassing when they got suspended. Mili has it easy. All her friends moved here too and first grade is way too easy. Mili is so excited to show everybody her new “friend” she made over the summer. I honestly don’t even know what she means because this whole summer, we’ve made no friends. Neither of us have. My mom is calling me for dinner, bye Journal! See you tomorrow.

 

September 3rd, 2014:

 

My sister has been acting pretty weird since we moved