Kerplunk - It's Over!!, A.W., H.R. and Our Girlfriends [best biographies to read txt] 📗

Your taxpayer dollars are funding these legal services for you, to protect you, so do not hesitate to use them. Remember what we said - stick with it! Our main concern is that you are now safe and protected!


Chapter 10 Checklist: Working the System –
Tips from the Trenches of an Assault Trial


___ Begin a log and keep notes of every conversation and visit with the police.
___ Begin a file and keep copies of all police reports.
___ Take all files and paperwork with you each time you meet with the District Attorney, Assistant District Attorney and other court representatives.
___ Trust yourself. Be calm and be professional.
___ Take a calm and supportive friend or family member with you to hearings and court dates.
___ If you are confused or don’t understand a process, ruling, document, legal lingo ASK QUESTIONS UNTIL YOU UNDERSTAND FULLY!
___ Don’t take your kids to court with you (unless mandated by the authorities).


CHAPTER 11
Parting Wisdom – Hindsight really is 20/20
We could fill an entire book with the lessons that we learned. Overall, our girlfriends have come through their ordeals with a very positive out look on their future and an empowered sense of accomplishment for surviving their past. We have collected our girlfriends’ reflections and divided them into the good, and the bad and the ugly. We like to get the worst over first, so let’s begin with the bad and the ugly lessons learned.
If you are in the thick of it right now, or if you are still contemplating seeking a divorce, we know the future is daunting. If you are currently in that miserable place we realize that you may be hesitant to read this section under the belief that what you don’t know won’t hurt you. You can wear those Bedazzled blinders for a while. Let us know how that works out for you! Meanwhile, we are still here to encourage you to face your fears.


Barriers to leaving your partner
• Low self-esteem • Promises of change
• Hope that situation will change • Lack of money
• Feeling powerless • Denial
• Lack of housing/shelter • Family preservation
• Lack of legal services • Fear
• Fear of never being “loved” again • Lack of job
• Fear of judgement from others • Fear of increased abuse

We know that you might be afraid. This is a big deal! Now you have more information to help you evaluate your relationship and your desire to end it. Remember, you have a wealth of great insight and advice right here in front of you. Our girlfriends shared their trials and tribulations because they want to help you avoid some of the agony, heartache and expense that they endured. Ultimately, we learn from our mistakes – we know you’ll agree. These experiences have enabled us to grow, mature and come out so far ahead of where we were. We believe the bad experiences are the ones from which you learn the most. (We also believe that karma burns, so watch out Evil Ex! Your day in the hot seat is coming!) Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is easy to say that from where we are now, but remember we were EXACTLY where you are right now.
If We Only Knew Then What We Know Now: Girlfriends Share Their Lessons Learned
“You never truly know a man until you try to divorce him.”
“You have got to stop making excuses for him. At this point he is all business!”
“One day you will stop crying. You will eat again; and when all is said and done, your breathing will return to normal.” – Paula, 52
“DO NOT ‘negotiate’ your children. Think carefully about what your REAL bottom line is regarding your children, and make SURE it is based on their best interests. There is no more ‘you and him’ – it’s ALL about the kids at this point.” – Liz, 60
“Your spouse can’t continue to jerk you around if you just let go of the rope. My rule is “never let them see you sweat.” The more he keeps throwing that rope at you, trying to engage you in some kind of drama, the more determined you need to be to just let that rope lie there. In these types of situations, no response is often the best response.” – Rhonda, 49
“Remember, when this is all over - and it WILL eventually be all over – you’re going to have to look in the mirror and live with the person staring back at you. Hopefully you’ll have an enormous amount of self respect and you’ll be proud you didn’t give up in the fight!” – Gail, 61
“Document everything, every day, who said what, what time, keep a log. It was amazing how many times I had to go back to the log …over and over.” – Sally, 54
“Find the best sitter with a driver’s license and First Aid (Red Cross) certification immediately. You have to have help with your children, preferably someone not involved with this situation so they cannot talk about it.” – Mandy, 42
“If you have been in a controlling relationship, learn to become the Ice Queen. Your Ex has conditioned certain responses from you over the years. Reprogram yourself. Sometimes it’s easier to simply show no emotion if you have to be around him. Who cares if he thinks that you are a bitch? Not falling back into the same controlled dance you have for so long will be the first step in your gaining back your emotional control. Your ability to make choices without fear of retribution and punishment from him will help you move on.” – Jacqui, 39
“Don't kid yourself, bad boys really do exist. If you are attracted to the bad boy types…they really are bad boys so don’t expect them to be nice to you or expect them to be committed to your relationship. It is all about them and you are a play thing - just fun to have around on THEIR terms. They might be cute, handsome, silly, hilarious, and adventurous and push you to that thrilling edge you are addicted to. You might be with them for the excitement and laughter but girls, later on the fun stops being fun. They DON’T care about you, and they've memorized the right words to say so that you think they are into you. Only notice their actions and ignore what they say to you! Actions speak louder than words. When you only look at his actions, it will be over pretty fast!” – Cheryl, 36

“People don’t change unless they have a desire to change. They must come to this decision all on their own. They must want to do it. You cannot simply want it for them and make it so. They may try for a short period of time because you might be pushing or hounding them. They might pretend to try so that you will stay with them or come back if you left. Oh, by the way girls, when he says he is "trying", notice that the huge red flag that starts flying in your face because if he was serious he would "do" not "try". Watch after all of the "trying" he will revert back to who he really is every single time.” – Peggi, 47

“Be involved in your family’s finances. Know where all your money is, what accounts, the access codes, etc. Communicate all financial matters, insurance, savings retirement, etc. You do not want to be a kept woman. That only works in fairy tales…and usually that chick ends up locked in the tower!” – Stacy, 43
“Speak up when things are going well and when they aren’t going well. You have a voice in this marriage too! Don’t be a silent wife and “bear the burden.” – Holly, 37
“Get good legal advice, no matter how amicable the situation. You don’t have to pursue all legal avenues, but you should at least be aware of your rights and obligations very early in the process of separation. No matter how well you think you get along and how easy you think the divorce process will be, it is money and time well spent to have at least one consultation with an attorney before you even bring up the possibility of separation with your spouse.”
– Lynne, 58
“New brides: hope for the best but plan for the worst. If you even think there’s a chance your marriage will never end in divorce put together a financial plan to be smart and protect yourself. Most women who have done this are still happily married.”
– Isabella, 76
“See a therapist or counselor – STAT! Therapy will give you a safe place to work through your thoughts and feelings and to receive objective feedback. Divorce is very stressful, and you may experience anxiety and/or depression—seeing a therapist will help manage your emotional health and give you a support system to face the issues in your divorce. My therapist also said that most people repeat patterns in future relationships—another reason to see a therapist to avoid future relationship failures. (Don’t pick a therapist or counselor from a phone book or insurance provider list—do your homework and find out who’s good. Therapists vary as much as any professional.)”
– Robin, 30
“You can’t reason with an idiot and you can’t control anyone or anything but yourself, so don’t try.” – Joy, 67
“When he says, ‘I’ll never do it again, I am so sorry, I love you, etc.’”… and he says it AGAIN and AGAIN after he does it AGAIN and AGAIN...that is a part of the pattern! Break the pattern! The above sentences are word for word in every text book about abuse. It is 100% a part of the pattern of abusers. Do not believe him! Take your emotion out of it and realize it is a part of the manipulation and control.”
– Rosalynn, 42
“There is no excuse for abuse! It is never ok to abuse or betray. Never. Ever.”
– Johnna, 33
“I finally came to terms with it. I asked myself if there was ANYTHING he could possibly say or do that would cause me to change my mind. When I knew in my heart that the answer would always be ‘NO’, I knew it was over. I was done.” – Camille, 38
“Get through it as quickly as possible.”
– Darlene, 26
“Be reasonable but don’t give up everything just to get it over with. Sometimes it’s fair when both parties walk away from the table not feeling good. Divorce isn’t really supposed to feel good.”
– Stella, 66
“Don't ever talk badly about the spouse to your children. They hear and understand more than we give them credit for and we are their foundation. It's not their burden to bear. I had to deal with the consequences when they accidently overheard a conversation to the lawyer. I thought they were outside playing but in fact they were hiding under the counter listening. My gut said to check up on them and I didn’t. I have to remind myself of this constantly and trust me it's hard as hell!”
– Kendall, 32
“Keep the kids’ best interests in the forefront. Clearly state your bottom line position to your Ex and don’t deviate from it without darn good cause. An absolutely consistent message to your Ex regarding what you are willing and not