Dear Whoever, Spencer Dennen [best english books to read for beginners .TXT] 📗

or keep it for when I can get on.The truth is my life is shitty right now and my internet is going to get cut off.We can't afford it.We can barely afford rent for our house.Come June we will be losing about 775 dollars.So we might be getting evicted as well.And through all this bullshit I still manage to have faith in the lord above.I'm really just counting on him now.I mean in august I'll be 18 and get my money my piece of shit father left behind for me before he died.But I need to figure out what I'm gunna do for the two months before that.I'm beyond stressed and my mind is eating me alive everyday.Sometimes I just feel like giving up.I could just off myself and I wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore.But only if it was that easy.I have three adoreable little dogs that need me and a sister who would kill herself without me.I ask myself daily if she would even care if I died.Would she get over it in time?Everytime I try to talk to her it seems she pushes it off.I'm just waiting for the day that I'll finally give up and give in.One day I'll lose this fight but until then I have to love my dogs as if I was going to die tomorrow.And as for Matt everything is great.Well except for two things...He's all about sex it seems and so am I.I mean all teenagers love sex don't lie.But I just thinkthis relationship is going to be built on lust not love.And what I just want really is love.I've got enough lust from all the guys I know....I'm ready to give up on true love.No body loves me and I just can't love.The second thing is I have depression really bad.I don't want him to know that I let it control my life.He has enough stress.So I lied and said I have it under control.I guess I just want one person to look at me as normal.So I'll keep lying until I die.Everything around me is crashing and I can't do anything about it but watch.

                                               XOXO SDF

Chapter Sixteen

 I miss my step dad David...He was with my mom for four years.I grew with him.I remember the first time they met right to the last time they said goodbye.I looked at him as my real dad.I was going to move in over at his house.I was his favorite and he adored me.When he left it ripped a whole in my heart.No one knows that but me.I didn't show it to avoid trouble for myself for the time being I'm living here.Everytime we pass his work I look back to find his car.I miss him so much.I wonder if he even misses me....I also miss my ex Stephen.I was in love with him.And I don't care how many times people say he wasn't or how many girls he had after me I knew he loved me too.I just miss everyone and everything back then.Three years ago was the best time of my life.I had two of the best friends every Cheyenne and Caity.I had the best boyfriend/cuddle buddy ever Stephen and the best neighbors across the street with wifi.Everyone was so happy and free.My mother was a slut which got her off our back.My nights were spent rolling around on a couch with boy who was three years older than me.But everything good has to come to a end.Nothing lasts forever.My mother got into a fight with Corwin or neighbor and I got into a fight with my friends.The last things I had to hold onto were David and Stephen but soon Stephen found a girl named Marissa on the internet and she took him away.He cheated on her of course with me the night before she came out to get him for his birthday.I loved him but I would never show him that.I remember the words he said last before he left me."All you have to say is don't go."He said.I glared and said,"Go.We end here."Of course he turned and left.I cried and cried for months alone in my room.And even if that wasn't enough I was being made fun of at school.I didn't have one single friend and I soon just never went.Summer came and There was a knock at my door.I opened it only to see him standing there with her.I wasn't jealous but after one year he still made me week in the neighs...They ended up staying in my town for another year and for that whole year I pretended to hate his guts.I made best friends with his girlfriend.We were so close he hated it.I made myself hate him so I would fall out of love with him and it started to work.But when he would play his stupid giutar and sing was the worst.I would avoid him when he would do that.But sometimes I couldn't help it.I would look over and he would be staring intently at me.Making me uncomfortable in a good way.When they left for some funeral back in her town I didn't even say goodbye to him.I thought it would be better this way.They ended up being gone for two more years.And I moved on.I was playing around again with whoever I wanted to until I got with Tj my last ew.I was with Tj for a year and some odd months.One day I went to the carnival with some friends including Caitlin my old best friend.Everything was okay until I saw someone standing with my older sister.I got a closer look and it was him.Stephen.After 3 years I still fell for those stupid green eyes.I've told this story before earlier in this book.I cheated on Tj with Stephen.Yeah sue me.Well long story short I got rid of them both and was single again.I was sad from all the shit Tj was doing right after we broke up.Then to top it all off David left for good.I didn't even get to say goodbye.Ask me who I miss more and I would say David.I miss him so so so much it hurts still.

                                         XOXO SDF

Chapter Seventeen

 I don't want to live this life anymore.I never did.I keep praying but if god loved me why would he put me through this pain.I'm just waiting for my last breath....Really I am...I feel like nothing matters and nothing is real.I feel dead so might as well be right?I feel like i'm doing all these things in life for nothing.Am I really going anywhere?I feel like I'm sleepwalking.Yeah my sister is my best friend and I have a good boyfriend but I still feel alone.If I still feel alone with the ones that love me then I'm going to feel alone in Vegas.My biggest fear is what if it's not this house or the people that make me this way.Maybe it's me...I don't want to work so hard for something just to throw it away when depression gets bad...Life just sucks.Everything about it is shitty.I wish I was never born.I will not multiply because I wouldn't want to put my baby through this shit and I know deep inside I'm not qualified.Goodbye for now friends.

                                                      XOXO SDF

Chapter Eighteen

Omg guys how have you all been????I missed you!!!Don't worry I didn't die on you guys lmao,I'm still kickin yo!!Life just kinda took a turn for me,that's all...Which is kinda good in a way.Lots has happen to me in just a year.It's crazy actually.Soooooo....This chapter is just kind of gunna be a update from last time.Ughhhhhhh where to begin....Oh yes lets start with Matthew!!!Y'all remember him don't you and if not go read previous chapters.So me and Matthew ended up dating hehehehe.But it didn't last long,like everything else in my life.We dated for a week to be exact.And everything was good.He was still in the mental house and I was still at home.We would text almost everyday and it worked for us but one day he decided he wanted to act up on me.He wanted to turn into someone that I never knew before.He became very controlling and his threatening got even worse.He threatened to kill my good friend at the time jesse if he got me alcohol again.And everyone knows your not going to take the one thing in my life that matters most to me.MY ALCOHOL!!!!!That's like taking my dogs to the pound.But wait it didn't stop there....He said that I couldn't talk to other boys while he was away,friends or not,and I couldn't get any tattoos cause GOD wouldn't approve.Hold up nigga....Your not going to tell me what my father would think of me.I have a very good relationship with the lord and if her had a problem with me drinking,he would let me know.So there was other things he tried to take from me and plus my whole family was talking in my ear,so as a result I broke up with him.Keep in mind this guy is crazy,so I was very afraid of him and dreaded the day he would get out of his mental place.But of course your girl didn't stop her life for one nigga lmao.You already know.PS-sorry guys for the suddent change in my talking,I told you I've changed....So my little sister decided she wanted to meet up with a guy that she only met once in her life but my mother wouldn't let her go unless I went with her.So of course being the good older sister I am.....I went but before I made her promise she wouldn't leave me and she did.We get to this guys house and this guy looks like he's 20 years old lmao....But he claims he's 17 but whatever.You only live once...So there was other kids there around 15 to 17.May I remind you that I've never met these