Spirit of Contradiction, Charles Dufresny [ebook reader macos txt] 📗

Characters French names

Mr. Townly M. Oronte
Mrs. Townly Mme. Oronte
Lucas, the gardener Lucas
Angelica Angelique
Edward Richly Valere
Mr. Nelson M. Thibaudois
Lawyer Notary
Lackey Lackey

Six men, two women



The scene is a garden before Mr. Townly's house in London. Lucas, the gardener enters in a rage.

Lucas: To hell with that bitch and her contradictory nature!

Townly: There, there, Lucas, softly.

Lucas: No, sir. I can no longer put up with your wife's temperament.

Townly: You have to forgive her, because the spirit of contradiction is natural to her.

Lucas: When she contradicts you like crazy,--you, her husband--that's natural, huh? Well, maybe. But it isn't natural that she should contradict my garden.

Townly: Patience, Lucas, patience.

Lucas: To be perfectly frank I don't like being gardener here--or anywhere there are women. A woman in a garden causes more damage than a million hedgehogs.

Townly: You're right and my wife is in the wrong.

Lucas: Everything I've planted is torn up. She's replanted all the weeds I tore out when I was grafting. She said they're wildflowers. Then when I planted the cabbages she said she now wants lettuces. Nothing is done by her order that doesn't reverse something I've done. Yesterday she half buried my prunes under melons. I believe, God pardon me! that it would be better for me to plant watermelons in the grape arbor.

Townly: She's unreasonable, but let's forget about that, Lucas. Let's talk about marrying my daughter. I need your advice about that matter.

Lucas: I haven't got an idea in my head because I've been fighting with Madam. That puts me in an uncultivated state--me and my garden. And besides, she's just discharged me.

Townly: Don't worry about it. Never mind. I'll take care of you.

Lucas: How are you going to take care of me against her--when you can't take care of yourself? Hey! did I ever tell you that you're too easy with her? As soon as she says yes or no, you say the same.

Townly: What do you want, Lucas? I love my wife. She has no other pleasure than to do exactly the opposite of what I want. So I provide her with that small satisfaction.

Lucas: You do that if that's what you like. But don't worry, her humour is too settled for it to give her any satisfaction. So much for that, sir. As to your daughter, I'll be what help I can--but what do you intend to do?

Townly: Well, you see I've got to get my wife to agree--

Lucas: Well, it's not up to me. I've tried to revive your spirit, but you won't do anything against her.

Townly: Look, you're more imagination than I do. And more sense than philosophers--who haven't any, really.

Lucas: Wait, sir. There are peasants who are sharp about acquiring money--but my philosophy is to govern the world like a careful gardener. You for example, want to marry your daughter but you don't know to whom. But me, I've seen it all in my garden. As I tell Madam, trees benefit from the sun; plants from the shade. So you see if your daughter is ready to benefit from marriage, your wife will put her in a convent.

Townly: You've said it exactly. If my daughter wishes to get married she'd better not show it.

Lucas: Madam has already tried to worm it out of me. "But Lucas," she said to me, "what do you think of this marriage?" "I think nothing, Madam." "But my daughter, for her part--" "Nothing." "But my husband, for his part--" Silence. "And because they know I can't breathe when I'm contradicted, they hide it from me. But it won't work. And I have tricks for figuring out when I'm being contradicted. It's a blind alley." What a woman. Very well. Leave it to me to put everything right. She's coming.

Townly: I will wait for you in the arbor.

(Exit Townly)

Lucas: I'd be very much put out to leave the employ of that bourgeois. His bourgeois money shines forth more splendidly than the money of noblemen who have a great deal more.

Mrs. Townly: (entering) Have you just put yourself under the protection of my husband? He can tell me to keep you, but I am not going to obey him. Come quickly, give me the keys and then I will give you your wages.

Lucas: (in a whining tone) I am very upset about losing my situation with you.

(Then roaring) Ha! Ha! Ha!

Mrs. Townly: You are laughing, eh?

Lucas: (crying) It overwhelms me.

(Roaring) Ha, ha, ha!

Mrs. Townly: What are you getting at?

Lucas: Nothing, nothing, ha, ha, ha.

(Sadly) Here, Madam, I am giving you the keys.

Mrs. Townly: I know why you're laughing.

Lucas: Ha, ha, ha, ha. I can't hold myself in. How nice to be thrown out. I'm not afraid of you. Ha, ha. I laugh like a merry go round at what you have done. Ha, ha, ha. Quite frankly, this is something that I expected for a long time from your difficult temperament and I hope you are inexorable. I have said to myself, if Madam sees that I want to take my leave, she won't hear of it. If I ask for my wages, she'll let me fish for them rather than be of my opinion. Oh, it's much better if I anger her so she will throw me out.

Mrs. Townly: What! Who says I'm throwing you out?

Lucas: I have quarrelled with you, ha, ha, ha. I'm giving you back your keys willingly enough.

Mrs. Townly: Oh, I see. To get even you have decided to leave me without a gardener.

Lucas: That's precisely what I'm going to do.

Mrs. Townly: You can go when I have another.

Lucas: You can have three right away.

Mrs. Townly: Stay at least until tomorrow.

Lucas: Tomorrow you'll no longer be in the mood to throw me out. I want to quit today.

Mrs. Townly: No! It won't be said that I am your dupe. You wish to leave me and I do not wish you to leave.

Lucas: One cannot keep people against their will. And you are of such a disposition.

Mrs. Townly: Listen! Is my disposition really so horrible?

Lucas: More than I care to suffer.

Mrs. Townly: At bottom, I'm really no good?

Lucas: To be fair; I know that it isn't from malice that you torment the whole world--but your will is naturally contrary and never agrees with the will of any other person.

Mrs. Townly: You hold a strange opinion of me--for of all the women in the world, there isn't one who contradicts less than I do.

Lucas: There's nobody like you, it's true.

Mrs. Townly: I never contradict except for good reason. But I don't like being contradicted. For example, I'm angry with you for your obstinacy. Why do you obstinately hide from me that which I wish to know? Don't I know that you are the advisor, the oracle of my husband? Without a doubt he has taken you into his confidence in the plan he has for Angelica.

Lucas: Hey! He did speak to me about that.

Mrs. Townly: Ha! Tell me about it.

Lucas: I considered the matter of Miss Angelica very thoroughly.

Mrs. Townly: Yes.

Lucas: I know what I would tell myself about that matter.

Mrs. Townly: Well, Lucas?

Lucas: But my thoughts, your husband's thoughts, your daughter's thoughts-- I'm not going to tell you. Not even if you cry.

Mrs. Townly: Lucas, I beg you, tell me.

Lucas: You're not going to find out a thing. I see you coming. You're always trying to find out the yes and the no. I will marry her. I will not marry her. What did he say? What did she say? and all that just so you can see the road others are taking so you can cross them.

Mrs. Townly: On the contrary, I am always going the right way, and each of you turns away from me from malice. And in a word I know they have made some plan contrary to mine. But I see my daughter coming and I must talk to her again. Halloo, Angelica, halloo. Come here for a minute.

Lucas: (exiting) I am going to see Mr. Townly in the arbor.

Angelica: (entering) What do you want me for, mother?

Mrs. Townly: To speak to you again, daughter.

Angelica: I'm always ready to listen to you.

Mrs. Townly: I can complain about you every way because you are a dissimulator, while I am good, and reasonable. Since I have to dispose of you one way or another I want to consult your inclinations. Speak sincerely for once in your life. Do you want to marry or not?

Angelica: I've already told you mother, I am duty bound not to have any will in this matter.

Mrs. Townly: But you do nevertheless--admit it. I have no end other than your satisfaction. Open your heart to me; speak naturally. You think that marriage can make a girl happy?

Angelica: I see some wives who praise their situation.

Mrs. Townly: Ah, now I begin to understand.

Angelica: But I see others who complain.

Mrs. Townly: I don't understand you. Speak to me a little. You've seen this newlywed who goes from door to door boasting about her good luck. Do you hear her with pleasure?

Angelica: Yes, indeed, mother.

Mrs. Townly: You wish then, to be married?

Angelica: Not at all. For this same woman the other day afflicted by her complaints the same assembly that she had recently regaled the day before with praises of her husband.

Mrs. Townly: So you mean you're afraid to take the risk of getting married?

Angelica: I didn't say that, mother.

Mrs. Townly: What are you saying? Either you think marriage is good or bad--you long for it or you dread it.

Angelica: I don't long for it and I don't dread it. I've only voiced some simple reflections without taking one side or the other. The pros and cons seem pretty well balanced to me. That's what has suspended my choice up to now.

Mrs. Townly: Your indecision begins to make me impatient. You have too much character to remain in a situation so indolent.

Angelica: That's the situation a young girl ought to remain in until her mother can decide for her without difficulty.

Mrs. Townly: But if I decided to marry you?

Angelica: My reasons for marrying would become stronger for the reason that my duty would make me forget all the contrary arguments.