Voids Fill Up Differently, Students of IACT [great book club books txt] 📗

          “Yeah, I think so.” hesitated Mikah, his eyes flitted to Ayna who is nodding subtly.  Ayna looked down at her half-emptied plate, swallowing the rice along with her guilt. She couldn’t bear to tell Mikah’s parents the truth that she dropped out of high school two years ago to get a job, especially since they value education earnestly. Despite how much Ayna hated lying to Mikah’s parents, she thought that some things are better left unsaid. Mikail’s temper tantrums got worse, his arms flailed as the food escaped from his plate to the table.

          “Eat your veggies Mikail!” annoyance creeping into his parents’ words. Mikah’s face a sheet of calm, alluding it’s just another typical dinner night. A thought crossed Ayna’s mind, and she suggested it.

          “Hey Mikail if you eat your vegetables, I’ll let you play games on my phone okay?” Mikail’s face lit up almost immediately and returned to his normal state. The family shakes with laughter, knowing Mikail’s wild nature. Seeing Ayna so good with Mikail only made Mikah’s parents grow deeply fond of her.

          “So, when are you guys getting married?” asked Mikah’s father, sending shivers down their spines.

          “Abah, we are still in school… too early to tell la,” muttered Mikah, blood rising to his cheeks.

          “What about after secondary school? There’s no reason to wait any longer kan? You guys are perfect for each other! I know it!” asserted Mikah’s father, his mother agreeing with him briskly. Mikah chews the insides of his cheek and swallows nervously, while a pure shock stayed rooted on Ayna’s face. No words escaped from her mouth. The thought of faking this relationship until marriage sets her mind into panic mode. She won’t continue with this facade if it comes at the cost of her own happiness.

          “I finished my veggies!” Mikail’s boisterous voice bursts the bubble of silence.

          “Good job bro! I’m proud of you!” Mikah reached his arm towards Mikail and gave him a high five. Ayna soon joined in after, in an attempt to lighten up the tension in the kitchen.

          “As promised, here is my phone for you to play games,” said Ayna, taking her phone out of her black woven bag. Mikail jumps for joy but sprints out the kitchen instantly. Ayna’s brows furrowed, a befuddled gaze settled on her face. Before she could call out his name, Mikail leapt back to the kitchen with a card on his hand.

          “Ana, I want you to come to my birthday party!”, he hands her a birthday invitation. “Pleaseeee.” drawled Mikail, who is still bouncing up and down exuberantly.

          “Ok la, I’ll be there.” Ayna succumbed, a soft smile on her lip.

          After dinner, Mikah walked Ayna to the bus station. Miscellaneous sounds filled the deafening silence of their five minutes walk. Crickets buzz, the leaves rustle, their footfalls against the pavement. “Ayna, you okay? You haven’t said a word since we left my house,” said Mikah, panic creeping into his voice. Ayna stared at the soft glow cast by street lights on the surface, she replied with a shrug of shoulders.

Mikah can tell that something is bothering her. “I’ll let you play my hair if you tell me what’s wrong?” His voice high pitched, sweet and innocent, in an attempt to ameliorate her mood. Ayna’s face lit up with a mischievous glint and did what she did best. She messed up Mikah’s clean-cut hair and both of them laughed.

          “There’s something I want to tell you,” said Ayna, her voice clear.

          “Boleh, I’m all ears.” Mikah was now paying full attention to her.

          Ayna contorted her features, as doubt settles in her head like a dense cloud. “I know you’re doing this because you think it’s easier, but it doesn’t feel right that we’re lying,” sighed Ayna. The thought of faking a relationship with Mikah until marriage makes her feel uncomfortable, she didn’t want to be a part of it anymore. Mikah came to an abrupt halt, he glanced at her with brooding eyes. That was the look Ayna was trying desperately to avoid the entire night, but she knows that putting up this act will only end up hurting him in the long run. “Mikah, you should embrace yourself. Just because you’re gay, doesn’t mean you’re a bad person kan? You are so sweet and kind. Also, it’s not like it’s our choice to be a part of the LGBTQ+ community. It just happens, you know.” Ayna glared at him.

          “But Ayna, it’s a sin. Being gay or lesbian is against our religion,” he said with a sad grimace.

          “No one has the right to judge God’s creation except himself,” said Ayna, sobriety dripping off her every word.

          The sounds of nature once again filled the awkward space, as they stroll their way to the bus station. Mikah knows that Ayna’s right, but he wonders if he could really come out to his parents. “Maybe it’s time that I share my story.” mused Ayna. Mikah’s eyes widened and grew eager to hear what she has to say. Mikah has tried to ask about Ayna’s past previously but failed at multiple attempts. He gave up eventually, knowing her reserved nature. “When my parents found out I was a lesbian, no one supported me. I felt unworthy and unloved, I was so lonely. I didn’t want to put you through that, which is why I agreed to be your fake girlfriend at first,” muttered Ayna. “It all started when I wrote a confession letter to Fey.” They sat down on the bus stop bench.

          “Tunggu jap, Fey the smart Chinese girl in our class?” Mikah shot a surprised look in her direction, his voice was stunned.

          “Yes her la. I liked her since Form 1. At first, I thought it was just a stupid crush. But my feelings for her didn’t go away, so I wrote her a confession letter.” Ayna stared at the trees surrounding, avoiding eye contact with Mikah altogether. “I was supposed to give it to her during waktu rehat, but..” Ayna clenched her teeth, contemplating on whether to finish her story. Mikah’s eyebrows furrowed, trying to decipher the look on her face. She took a deep breath and continued, “But then my  Ibu found my letter.” Ayna turned to face Mikah. Her mind recoils and the memories of the day resurface.

          “Bye Ibu, I’ll be back at 4,” said Ayna, struggling to wear her overweight backpack. She closed the car door behind her and faltered her way to the rattling school gate. Ayna’s mother looked at her receding back, but her eyes quickly latched onto something else. A bright pink envelope on the passenger seat. Out of curiosity, she opened it. Her lips pursed and her cheeks steamed red. Ayna’s mother couldn’t believe the things Ayna wrote in the letter, and neither does her father because after reading the first two lines in the letter, he stomped into Ayna’s room and threw her things out.

          When Ayna came home from school, her things were packed in big bags and a suitcase. Stood by the front door was Ayna’s parents with her letter, pure blazing rage glazed their faces. Her mom was pink-eyed and lachrymose. “Ayna, what is wrong with you ah? How dare you! You know what, it’s our fault for not raising you right. We don’t want to see you again, go away.” fumed her mother.

          “Please let me explain Ibu,” pleaded Ayna. Her worst fear came true. She sank her knees on the ground, heavy sobs tearing from her throat. Her fingernails dug deep into her skin, hoping the pain will wake her up from her nightmare.

          “Didn’t you hear what your Ibu said? We don’t want to see you again. You are a disgrace to us.” growled Ayna’s father, slamming the door ferociously in her face.

          Mikah could see sadness reflecting in her eyes as she unravels her story, waves of pain gush back and forth in the dark brown pupils. He hugs her immediately, salt and moisture stained his orange shirt. “Oh Ayna, you are such a strong soul,” said Mikah, tears tickle his eyes. With a sad smile, she wiped her tears inconspicuously.

            “I didn’t have a chance to come out to my parents on my own, but you do. I know you’re afraid but it’s always better to tell them than for them to find out themselves. Who knows, they might just accept you. If they don’t, just know that I’m here by your side okay?” Ayna’s words offering some consolation. Her story stayed rooted in Mikah’s heart, it was an incentive for him to gain the courage to come out to his parents. Mikah truly knows that he isn’t alone in his journey.

          “Okay la, I will tell my parents at Mikail’s birthday party,” said Mikah confidently. “Thank you for sharing your story with me girl.”

          “Yeah I’m just trying to help,” said Ayna, while reaching into her tote bag for Mikah’s gift. It was a black cord bracelet with dainty coloured beads in the centre. “I made this for you,” Ayna hands Mikah, who is now grinning from ear to ear. “It represents pride and LGBTQ,” explained Ayna.

          The straining engine interrupted their moment, as the bus trundles to its stop. They gave each other a tight hug before Ayna scurries towards the door. “I’m proud of you, Mikah,” she said softly, and with a quick smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes, she’s gone.

          The big day arrives, both for Mikah and Mikail. Brightly coloured balloons and banners garnished their house from pillar to post, as children roam around the party with sunny grins on their faces. Mikah stood outside his parents’ bedroom door, his heart beats violently against his ribcage. Every bone in his body weighs him down, every voice in his head tells him to turn and walk away. He begins to wonder if one more week or two would make much of a difference. “Mikah?” a familiar voice snapped him out of his world. It was Ayna, her appearance differs vastly from the last time she was in Mikah’s house. She was wearing an oversized black t-shirt and denim jeans. Her hair tumbles over her shoulder, loosely curled. She looks more like her this time. Mikah glanced at her, the two had an unspoken conversation between both anxious and encouraging eyes. She shot him a comforting nod, he gave her a soft gentle smile in return before lurching into his parents’ bedroom.

          “Mak, Abah, there’s something I want to tell you,” said Mikah, his voice raw.

          “Sure, masuklah. We’re just getting ready for Mikail’s party,” his mother puts on her pearl earrings. His father ran his hands through their wrinkly floral bedding swiftly and signalled Mikah to come sit with them on their bed. He cleared his throat and walked towards them tentatively. His heart palpitates faster than his pace.

“Mak, Abah... Ayna is actually not my girlfriend. She just pretended to be because I told her to. ” muttered Mikah. His parents furrowed their eyebrows and shot a questioning glance in his direction. “The truth is, I’m gay.” Mikah breathed. His face lowered down at the bracelet on his wrist, refusing to look at his parents in the eyes. “I’m sorry if I let you down.” Tears began to cloud his vision, the sight of his bracelet formed a delusion of steely colours. He didn’t dare to move or blink. The unsettling feeling lingers, though the weight on his shoulder was lifted. It was the feeling of fear, guilt and worry merged in one. There was a great pause and an imperceptible tension in the air. Mikah’s parents peered at a fragile Mikah before them, they had an incredulous look in their eyes.

Without a single word, Mikah’s mother pulled him to her warmth. Mikah jumped slightly at her sudden gesture. He tucked his face in the crook of her shoulder, his right hand clutched by his father. Mikah blinked