Voids Fill Up Differently, Students of IACT [great book club books txt] 📗
- Author: Students of IACT
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Since I'm relatively new at being an official psychologist, I've been assigned to work with the younger youths; counselling, therapy and such. I was in session, sitting down trying to be as attentive as I can be. Listening to this young timid girl talking about her self-identity problems and yet keep failing to do so. As she was talking, my mind went back to the past and relieved a few moments in my head. Treasured pivotal moments such as when I was in my young teen years, a thin Chinese boy fawned over me and I pretended to like him too since having a relationship was a trend at that age. All I could remember was being so not amused by him or any male in fact. I never once got turned on by them. Scared me even. Tragic, I thought but left it with no care. I only knew I was 100% into girls was when Div and I were in the UK completing our degrees. I stole a glance at this drop-dead gorgeous girl and my heart skipped a beat like a scratched CD. From then onwards I turned towards my side of the fence and it was a done deal.
"Hellooo, from earth to Ms Janiya" the young timid girl sassily chimed in, breaking my vivid thoughts of moments running through my head.
"Wha-what? Oh yes, of course, sweetheart" I replied back, "listen you shouldn't be afraid of being you, you shouldn't care about what society thinks okay, promise me that because your happiness is what matters the most" I continued.
"Hmm okay I promise" she answered in her high pitched voice.
Then it hit me, how I'm so determined to give the advice that any lost, scared individuals need because I never want them to be who they are not yet ironically, I never listen to any of my own advice, which was what I needed. I felt like a hypocrite, I tell my little ones that they're not alone when in reality I feel so alone and lost.
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Work had finished towards the evening. I hopped in my grey coloured BMW, turned the engine on, put my RnB music on blast and drove off to the roads into busy traffic. As I was driving and listening to some love song playing in the background, I kept thinking of Talia. I kept thinking of the first moment my big brown eyes laid on hers. I was twenty-two and she was twenty-three. I just came back from the UK and was settling back here in KL again. We met at an LGBT disclosed event where I made Div come with me. There I saw a Eurasian-looking woman who's strikingly beautiful, tall, olive skin, curly medium length hair, with minimalistic tattoos, piercings, and had quite the sense of fashion. Talia Rose Dennis. Her name as enchantingly beautiful as her. In awe I was, I was over my head and to my own pleasant surprise, I went up to her and made the first move. Shocking, I know. And since then, things escalated quickly and we are still going strong two years later... Well almost strong if it weren't for this stupid arranged marriage.
Talia is the kind of woman you want to be like and the woman you want to be with. The rose among the thorns. She's beautiful, confident, comfortable, open with her sexuality and just so free and optimistic. Besides Div, Talia gets me like no other. She always encourages me to be me and when I'm with her I never feel small. To my surprise when I told her about my situation, she was as understanding as one could be. God, I love her so much and hate that I'm messing everything up.
Suddenly my phone rang loudly through my speakers which startled me. I answered it, its Talia. I swear her timing is weirdly so impeccable.
"Hey love, I'm parked near your house, I need to see you right away we need to talk"
My heart sank when I heard those words, and knowing what's going to happen, "OK, I'm almost there,'' I replied despondently.
As I reached closer to the house, I see her sitting inside her brand new red Myvi parked on the other side of the street not close to my house. She took a glimpse of me and went out of her car to sit in mine. As she comfortable sat in, I drove off to park in a quiet area.
"So you're really going through this huh" she questions me in a critical tone.
"Talia don't. Don't make it sound like this shit is over, at least for now"
"Jan what the hell? It is going to be over. What, so you're going to marry him whilst being with me?! How daft and twisted does that make you sound right now"
"TALIA!" I voiced out harshly. "You think I want to be in this downright shitty situation right now?! Do you think I want to keep hurting you, my family and myself? Every minute and every second, I start to lose myself and lose everything in me. I love you but I love my family too." I uttered as I start to get choked up.
"If you love your family and you love me, you need to check in reality and stop lying to your parents and yourself. That's going to hurt you even more. Look Jan, I've tried to be understanding and I still am, but b it's gone way too far and I genuinely don't know how long I can see you fall into a situation that's going to ruin our relationship. I love you and I'll always be here, but you can't expect me to see you choose a path that isn’t yours. I have to go for now" She expressed calmly just moments before she got out of the car, went to hers . I drove back to my house with tears pouring down my face.
I parked my car in the driveway, stayed in for while wanting to let out all my frustration and anger but stopped as I saw my Malay neighbours at the entrance of my house. I wiped my tears away got out and walked towards them. Uncle Ismail and Aunty Yana's family have been our neighbours for years. Dad is really close to uncle, always talking politics and whatnot. They have a teenage daughter named Ayna who's a lesbian too and uncle kicked her out of the house when he found out. Disheartening really, as this is what the Asian mentality is and I know that's going to be my reality foretold.
"Ah hello Janiya, so excited for you ah can't wait for you to be officially engaged tomorrow."
The world stood still for a minute. My brain recollecting the sentence uncle Ismail just revealed. Wai-what?! Tomorrow? Holy shit then it hit me... I-ii-I am going to be officially engaged TOMORROW.
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It was a Saturday morning after dawn. I heard the crows’ jolly chirping which woke me up. My eyes opened wide and I realized today isn't going to be my usual normal monotonous routine. Today's going to be different. A change that I so desperately didn’t want, but can't avoid. I got out of bed and saw Divya sleeping next to me. I woke her up, trying to avoid all the punches she's throwing at me which makes me giggle . We got dressed in our normal basic clothes and we proceeded to head downstairs to see a bunch of people there I didn't recognize . Caterers, makeup artists, people who were decorating, etc... I mean I know it's like an official engagement ceremony but it's literally just a small thing at home with a bunch of close relatives. Why on earth is mum making this a big deal? Panic starts to arise from me giving me mini attacks. Divya calms me down by holding my hand tight and firmly, giving me some sort of comfort.
Mum and dad came up to Div and I as we were eating breakfast in the kitchen. In the midst of talking to me as I stare at them blankly, all I could think of was desperately wanting courage and a whole lot of miracle right now to get out of this mess.
"Janiya," mum interrupted my thoughts, "Why is your mind somewhere else ah why you not paying attention to what I'm saying?" Her Punjabi accent came through.
"I am" I replied
"Okay, then what did I say ah?"
I stayed silent.
"Mera Beti, what is up with you lately? This wedding is so important to you and to us. It's going to be life-changing." Dad assured me pride.
"Nothing pa I'm fine, I'm just trying to take it all in, that's all,'' I assured him back, half truthfully.
Hours past and it's suddenly midday. Home felt foreign now. There were too many people crowding in different places trying to set things up. People coming to me asking questions, telling me what to do, advising, giving instructions, loud noises can be heard...I felt overwhelmed in the worst way possible. Everything and everyone was coming to me all at once as I stood there like a lost soul wanting to erupt like a volcano. Mum, dad all up in my business. I felt as though I was on centre stage in a circus, buried in deep. Pressured, I felt. As the whole world kept moving, I stood still as everything around me spinned in fast pace. Then finally... anger and courage took control over me and the words I've been trying to say for the longest time burst out like flames from my mouth.
"I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE" I cried out loud where at last the world stood still and paid attention to me. I was being heard.
"MA, PA I LOVE YOU BOTH BUT-BUT I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE, I CAN'T GO THROUGH WITH THIS WEDDING"
"Mera Beti, it's okay calm down, it's just nerv---"
Before mum could finish her sentence, I talked over her...
"I DON'T LIKE MEN, I DON'T WANT TO MARRY ONE. IN FACT I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM. MAMAJI, PAPAJI...I'M A LESBIAN. I LOVE GIRLS MA AND, AND I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND AND I--I AM IN LOVE WITH HER. IN FACT, I HAVE BEEN DATING HER FOR 2 YEARS NOW." I exploded, with no filter. I didn't care about the consequences right now... All I cared about was that it was finally out.
Silence took over the house. Pin drop silence which turned to a room filled with shocked gasps and whispers and there I was standing in the middle of a wildfire. Everyone confused, shocked and in disbelief trying to process what I’ve confessed. Divya looked at me in a 'good and finally, she said it shock.' A look that states 'yo that's my best friend, she finally did it, I'm so proud'" ... yet nothing. Nothing came from mum and dad. No expression, no words. Nothing. Disappointment is an understatement. Moments later, all I got from them was 'get out of my house right now'.
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It's been two months since I last saw my parents. I somehow knew this was going to happen. I tried talking and reasoning with them but there has been no progress. All I got in return was mum repeatedly saying "where did I go wrong in life for bringing you up like this,''
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