Voids Fill Up Differently, Students of IACT [great book club books txt] 📗

in the moment then felt the warm dampness spilled down his cheeks, releasing the sadness and pain that has been held in him for so long. His breathing was ragged, his lips trembled as he sobbed. Mikah’s parents contorted their faces into a pitiful sort of understanding, it breaks their hearts to see him like this. They held him tighter, albeit deep down they still hope he will be straight.

 

1.9 Dear Mom & Dad

Dear Mom & Dad

Nasya-Ann Catherine, Jing Fen, Ashley Lim, Ze Ming

 

 

"Papaji, Mamaji... I'm a lesbian." Five words. Five very simple words that make up a bold, powerful and an impactful statement. A life-changing statement in fact, one that can change a person's life for the better or worse. Five simple words that keeps reciting in my head over and over again, wanting so desperately to come out yet can't seeing as apparently I have my heart in my mouth. Which in simpler words... my name is Janiya, I'm 24 years old, a Punjabi who works as a psychologist and I am very much shit-scared to come out to my very, VERY traditional Punjabi parents. I mean how could I anyways? We're in the middle of preparing for my wedding! A wedding that my parents, with the mindset of 80 year olds have arranged for me to an alienated species a.k.a... A man.

 

You know the usual tradition and whatnot. Since they got arranged from their parents, I have to be punished too. Come to think of it, my one and only big brother was the only one who had a marriage out of love in our family. I guess it's because he had a long-term Punjabi girlfriend which was already a yes itself to my parents. Plus, he's a boy. They always get away with everything because patriarchy not only exists in the real world, it too sure as hell exists in an Asian Punjabi household. I mean it's not like I'm a single woman who's a workaholic and can't seek love. I'm in a relatively serious (secret) relationship too... The only difference is that I'm the girl who wholeheartedly only falls in love with my own gender. A girl, a woman. However, many know not of such a lifestyle of mine because I guarantee you not, chaos will occur and all hell will break loose if mum and dad were to ever find out. To top that off, my strikingly beautiful girlfriend Talia, recently confessed to me that she wants a forever with me implying that she's in it for the long-term. Love her loads but damn, her timing could not be anymore off huh.

 

 I swear the catastrophe of a situation I'm in is inevitable.  Damn... "Life is complicated", a saying that is often used too loosely by society without really knowing why, yet I can assure you life is complicated is a saying that is undoubtedly much of an understatement in my life right now. Indeed, a paralyzingly situation I'm in. Trying to keep my parents proud and not to be disappointed in me. Trying to keep myself happy and not to lose myself. Trying to hold on to the love of my life and not to lose her in this mess of a situation. Trying to hold on to sanity when life is full of cracks. Goddamn, I just want life to have a pause button right now or a stop button or even just a button where I can take full control of life and not have life take control of me because I feel like I'm continuously falling down deep yet have never reached the bottom.

 

 

                                                     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

As I lay on my queen-sized bed which felt like clouds, staring blankly at the ceiling, reevaluating my life and recalculating my thoughts, wanting a piece of mind,  I start to question; why am I in this situation?  Why haven’t my parents asked me what I want in life, and how much of an extent do I have to go to keep making my parents proud and happy. Everything that I did and still continue to do in my life, I do it for them. However, they’ve always known I was different and I have always been the black sheep of the family. My mind and views differ from them by afar. They know that, it’s just something they choose not to believe. I confidently speak my mind to others, but never to mum and dad. I can never shout or be rude to them. Despite our differences, I respect and have so much love for them. That's why it's so hard for me to tell them the truth about my sexuality. Knowing that the outcome would be pure disappointment. Coming out to my parents is such a difficult task, which is why I am going with the arranged wedding.

 

As I am in my brightly lit open-spaced room, away from the big mess, loud noises and an overwhelming amount of people downstairs trying to decorate the house for Magni/ Sagai night. The ceremony which marks the official engagement where I and the man that I'm bound to get married to, are surrounded by our family and friends. Another one of the many ceremonies which I'm so not looking forward to. I pace back and forth, coming up with simpler, more acceptable ways to come to out to mum and dad. A statement that’s not an "in your face" statement but rather an "I love you, please accept me for who and what I am" statement. Different phrases, tones, words going through my head over and over again, coming up with alternative responses mum and dad would say to me. I do this to prepare myself for whatever outcome that might occur and to also make me feel better knowing how I'm going to react to their shocked and possible negative reaction.

 

 I turned to my long mirror hanging by the sun-kissed orange wall surrounded by my colourful traditional clothes for the upcoming ceremonies. I see my reflection of my medium height, light brown tanned skin, long silky brunette hair, my light brown hazel eyes, and prominent features. I continued glaring into the mirror and quietly uttered to myself, "I can do this Jan, I can do this." Determined as I hoped to be, I gave myself a nod, and a half-smile assuring myself I have this under control. "Okay this is it Janiya, you gay ass Punjabi confident woman, you got this" I sighed and affirmed myself as I took a deep breath. I opened my white, rustic bedroom door, forced myself out of it and found my way walking down two flights of stairs nervously, passing by an abundance of people being occupied, and loose decorations lying on the floor as I head towards mum and dad.

 

At long last, I spotted them having a wholesome conversation with my childhood best friend Divya. I wasn't taking in any sounds from anyone that was speaking in a distance as my mind was in a daze, out of touch from reality for a quick minute. All that was going through my over-crowded mind was "GODDAMN IT JANIYA WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" I stood by the kitchen door staring at both of my parents longingly. I’ve always said that mum and dad reminded me of the parents from that football movie, bend it like Beckham. The movie where the Indian girl was shunned for her passion for football. Not only do my parents act exactly like that, but they look alike too. Except mine looks much older, are in their 50s and are a tiny bit more mental. Ironic isn't it, how some made-up movie isn't just a movie but unintentionally, a real-life situation too.

 

Suddenly a loud noise interrupted my thought process,  I was in touch with reality again. My head turned towards the three of them which then caught my mum’s attention. Startled as I was, I walked towards them reluctantly.

 

"Janiya, Beti" questions being asked all at once. “How this”, “How that”...

 

"Ma!" I voiced out, interrupting her as she looks on with excitement. "I-i just um I just - I am....." and nothing. My mind went into a blank mode and I backed out. I saw my parents face, seeing the joy and excitement on their faces and I just couldn't do it.

 

"Beti, are you okay, what's happening why you acting like this," Dad asked forwardly.

 

Silent I became, "um nothing I- I just"

 

"She's tired", Divya finishing off my sentences. "Long day at work, huh, patients being a bore I would assume, I mean I don't blame you... I can't even imagine having to deal with all those people continuously whining about their problems. It gets downright annoying" she continues trying to divert the attention on her and saving my ass.

 

"Yeah haha, I should be getting paid more for this" I jokingly replied back.

 

"Uncle and Aunty Bhamra, you both just continue on with the orders, we'll just go upstairs and sort other things out" Divya, trying to save my dumb self as she said with false cheerfulness of conviction as she grabbed my hand whilst we head upstairs to my room.

 

Divya Kaur. My childhood best friend. A rare and sweet soul and definitely one of a kind. The girl that looks like me, acts like me but isn't gay like me. The confident, strong, brave, outspoken one who doesn't give two shits about what another individual as to say about her. The one who is with me every step of the way through thick and thin. You know how everyone in life has that one friend that is your person? If I was Meredith Grey, Divya would be Christina Yang type of friendship. She was the first person who knew about me before I even did. Divya offered to help with the wedding, to be able to keep a close eye on me and to be there if I needed the emotional support. I guess you can say she's my main support system and my voice of reason.

 

"Bitch! what were you thinking?!" baffled Divya as she softly slammed my bedroom door.

 

"Div, I can't freaking do this anymore dude. I'm tired, broken, confused, lost, I'm all of the goddamn freaking emotions!" I yelled out in frustration. "I'm hurting myself, I'm hurting Talia and damn I know I'll be hurting mum and dad either way... shit Div, I don't know how much I can take it anymore. Being closeted for so long is one thing, having to add on this disastrous of a situation to the plate is a whole other thing." I mumbled softly as a tear starts rolling down my face.

 

"I know baby girl, I know." Sighed Divya as she walks up to me and wipes the uncontrollable tears running down my face, "we'll figure something out, I promise" she continues saying as she gives me an affirmative tight hug.

 

 

                                                     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

As a new morning dawns in, I follow the same monotonous routine as usual. Wake up, instantly regretting it, get ready for work which I actually do happen to love, kiss my mum and dad goodbye and head out to drive in the hot, busy and loving streets of KL. Technically I'm supposed to be taking some time off, wedding and