Voids Fill Up Differently, Students of IACT [great book club books txt] 📗

the usual self- victimising card all Asian parents tend to play... and dad crying out to me telling me "You are not my daughter anymore." I told them I'm not looking for their approval and I just want them to love me and accept me for who I am. But nothing. To think all these years I did everything I could to make them proud whilst in the midst of losing myself yet I never complained, and I'm now a stranger to my family just because I finally opened up... man it hurts like hell. I don't regret being truthful because with my full acceptance, came self-liberation and I'm finally free after being trapped for what seemed like an eternity. I'm now staying with Talia, Divya is with me every moment still and I'm still in touch with my brother. I may be content now but still, hopefully, the rainbow will soon shine with its full glory and hopefully mum and dad will finally accept me and love me as their daughter again.

 

Chapter 2

 For the ones in search of meaning.

2.1 From Chanel To Hell

 From Chanel To Hell

Calista Chew, Sook Hui, Le Ning, Jeswin Kaur

 

 

I walked out of MAWN model’s office with my fist clenched. I can’t help but roll my eyes and let out a sigh. Yet another “we’ll get back to you”. In this industry “we’ll get back to you” means you’re not good enough. I’ve always had a vision that I would one day be a model, I didn’t know it would be this hard. I stormed out the doors of MAWN. As I look back I realized that all their models looked the same, they were clones. Pretty faces with no character. I realized that they probably didn’t want to hire me because I don’t fit their branding of boring.

 

I held my hand up to stop traffic as I cross the road to the LRT station. The number of people crowding the station made me miss Hairul for the first time ever. Hairul is my driver, well, he was my driver. Strange man, always smiling without reason. What could someone be so happy about? Especially if you’re just a driver. I stood on the train, one arm reached out to the pole nearest to me trying to keep my balance. Another arm hugging my tote tightly, making sure no one suspicious-looking was standing near me. “Next station, Kelana Jaya,”  drawled the female voice over the intercom, that’s my stop.

 

Life now is so different from what it used to be. From silk sheets on a king-sized bed to obnoxious floral printed cotton sheets on a single. The kind of sheets that are so scratchy that it makes your skin irritated and raw from scratching all night long. From porcelain plates and luxurious silverware to orange plastic ones and cutlery that don’t even match. I stood by the door of my room and took a minute to process everything. This is my life now, all because of my parents.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

 

I looked over to my pile of cardboard boxes and took the top one down. I opened it and the first thing I saw was my pink and black Chanel dress. I held it close and drew a breath,  it smelt a little musky. It brought me back to that night. I was laying in bed when Mom called for me, “ Dinner time!” mom yelled. I wore the new Chanel dress I bought, I was too excited to wait for a special occasion. I raced down the stairs filled with excitement to show Mom my new dress but I see kakak seated at the dining table, Ugh. Dinner is supposed to be a time where I get to spend quality time with my family, but kakak always has to ruin it for me. I felt a nudge on my arm, I looked over as Mom shook her head in disapproval because of how I reacted to kakak, she didn’t even notice my dress. I sat in my usual seat, silverware and China already set on the table. Kakak made Bebek Goreng today, her favourite dish from her home country. I took a few bites of the fried duck but it just felt too oily for my liking. I passed my food over to kakak. “dah”, I blurted. Mom glared at me, “kitchen. now”, she stated. I could tell she sounded upset, but I had no idea what for. I leaned on the marble kitchen counter as Mom and Daddy went on and on about how I shouldn’t be so rude to kakak, that she’s a part of this family too. Daddy shook his head and sighed, “Stop being so full of yourself Natasha!”, Daddy yelled. I bolted up the stairs, slammed my bedroom door, picked up my phone and immediately rang up Alice.

 

It was a night that stayed with me since then. I continued unpacking my cardboard boxes, going through all the other memories I had in that big empty house. I managed to unpack 2 more boxes tonight. I looked up at the clock and it read 7:08 p.m., it’s dinner time. All I had in the kitchen was a packet of frozen fried rice I got from 7-eleven on the way home earlier. As I stood there I thought about my marble kitchen counter from home, the cooling touch it gave me as I leaned on it. This kitchen had a steel counter that had rust along the edges, on rainy days it felt like ice. The microwave’s beep took me out of that moment, it’s dinner time.

 

The next morning I woke up to the sound of my alarm, I reached for my phone on the floor and checked the time, 8 a.m. I had 2 hours to get to my next job interview. I spent a few minutes looking at my ceiling fan, round and round and round. I checked the time again, 8:38 a.m.  I climbed out of bed and rushed to the bathroom, the door was locked. I heard the shower running, Jia Yin knew I had an interview this morning but she still chose to take a shower now. I started pounding on the door, “Hurry up! I need to be out by 9!” I was panicking. I need this job to pay rent this month. I managed to get ready by 9.10 a.m. I rushed to Monique Claire, trying to move as fast as I can without dropping my portfolio and ruining my hair. I got there at 10.05 a.m., I was 5 minutes late for my interview with one of the top global modelling agencies. Ms Chin from reception signalled me towards Ms Tiffany. I followed behind Ms Tiffany into her office, I may be late but I could feel it in my bones, this was my chance. I went through my portfolio with Ms Tiffany, she was nodding as she flipped through the pages. After she was done looking through my work she looked up and said “ Ms Natasha, I’m very impressed with your work. But the fact that you were late for your interview threw me off. There are thousands of girls who would kill for this interview. Here at Monique Claire, we need to know that we are your priority, I’m sorry to say but we will not be calling you back.”

 

When I got home Jia Yin was in the living room laying on the couch with her feet up. “Hey, how’d your interview go?” she so daringly asked me. I rolled my eyes at her “Great, thanks to you,'' I mumbled. I flopped onto my bed and bawled my eyes out.

Tears mixed with mascara staining my floral printed pillowcases. I didn’t know it would be this hard, only if it wasn’t for Jia Yin, I wouldn’t be worrying about how to make rent. I looked at my pink and black Chanel dress hanging behind my door. I hung it there to remind myself that one day I’ll have my old life back.

 

After that fight with my parents, I called Alice. Alice was one of my closest friends back then. Alice spends a lot of her time in my home to avoid being involved in her parents’ constant arguments. We’ve been friends since kindergarten, she’s always been loyal and loving. She’s never said a bad thing about me. Alice had mid-length black hair, slightly on the plumper side but I never failed to encourage her to lose the extra weight. I think that’s why our dynamic worked so well, we always wanted the best for each other. Alice answered the phone, “Nat! I haven’t heard from you in so long!”. I love her, but her enthusiasm can be a bit exhausting sometimes. I told her what happened with my parents, “I need a night out, a night with just me and my friends, a night of careless fun,” I expressed. Alice suggested that we could go to watch a movie, but I wanted something bizarre. And then it hit me, it was genius!

 

“How about a birthday party? My birthday’s coming up next weekend, it’s perfect!”

“Umm,  I don’t know, a party?”

“Yeah, come on Alice, for me?”

“I’ll definitely help you plan it, but I don’t know, your friends and I don’t really hit it off”

“Alright, it’s not a big deal if you can’t make it.”

 

I was about to have the party of the year. I turned 17 this year, and I’ve never been to a club. That's what I wanted for my birthday. The legal age for drinking is 21 in Malaysia, but I wasn’t worried about that. I knew that with the contacts I had I’d be able to get into any club hassle-free. I texted my friend Ron, Ron used to be a senior in my school. He’s 22 this year, and he just so happens to be an ambassador of Kyo, one of the most prestigious nightclubs in KL. Ron used to be the high school bad boy in Sri KDU, girls fawned over him, but I never understood the hype. I asked Ron if it was possible to get my friends and I into the club without an inspection, he confidently assured me that he could. I spent the next week inviting my closest friends and some frenemies at my party, I needed some drama to spice up the night.

 

The next day, I went downstairs for some breakfast before school. Kakak heard what happened the night before, she