The Player or the good guy?, NotWithoutMusik . [an ebook reader TXT] 📗

not to scream. I fell on my knees, biting my lip and covering my ears with my hands so that I couldn't hear Peter scream or mother laugh. But I heard it anyways, I felt like my skin was burning, my intestents were burning and then my father said: 'You think you are that strong, Katherine, but I will hurt you. I will make your life a living hell until you join the dark Lord and bow down in front of him!'

The Memory vanished, but the pain stayed, and when I opened my eyes again, I saw that this was another painful memory: 

"Yeah, Bella! Isabella, I am so glad that you made it!", Remus said, got up and hugged Isabella, the Ravenclaw girl we had detention with once. She laughed and that laugh just made me sick. "I'm glad that you're happy.", she answered when Remus let go of her and now stood really close. Then he suddenly stepped foreword, taking her neck with his left hand and pressed his lips on hers, the bottle of firewhiskey still in his other hand. I felt  my heart break all over again and if that was even possible, it hurt more this time. It felt like I was watching them kiss forever before I finally stumbled out of the room into the woods. 

Then, everything went black and I fell into a deep hole, ready for my death. Maybe death wasn't so bad. At least it didn't hurt as much as life. 

Wed- 14. October 1977

 

Pain. 

I only felt pain in the darkness that surrounded me. 

When I slowly opened my eyes, I was blinded by the bright light that made it impossible for me to make out any kind of hints to where I was. I could be in the Shrieking Shack, without a soul. But from all the stories that I had heard about a kiss of a Dementor being worse than death, I felt pretty good. I closed my eyes again and focused on my other senses: It smelled like wood, but also sweet. The smell reminded me of.. Remus! I couldn't help but smile when I thought about him, but then I remembered my horrible memory of him and that girl. 

I moved my hands and legs to feel what I was lying on and when I felt the well known, soft blankets that made you feel like you never wanted to leave this bed again, I knew where I was. In the hospital wing. Again. I sighted and opened my eyes again. Even though it was still very bright, I could make out the room now: I was lying in the same bed that I laid in last full moon, only now there was no Aya and no James and Lily, just a sleeping Remus next to me. 

"Remus! Wake up!", I said, but I also didn't want him to wake up because he looked so peaceful and so i just left him alone. 

After about ten minutes it was getting really boring to just stare at the ceiling and so I decided to get up and walk around the castle a little, maybe I would find someone to explain what was going on. I barely stepped out of the door when I almost crashed into James, who had been looking down while walking. 

"Oh, Scar! I didn't see you there, sorry! How are you doing?", he asked, looking up and into my eyes. I could see that he hadn't been sleeping well, which was understandable taking that he had a ruff night as well. 

"Why aren't you in the hospital wing as well?", I asked and at the same time I wondered where Peter and Sirius were. 

"Well I was, for a night. But you and Remus have been knocked out for 2 days. It already Wednesday. Sirius and Peter are fine as well."

"What?  I was out for 2 days? What happened that night?", I asked, now totally confused. Did Dementors effect some people more than other or was I just weaker than the others? James gave me a reassuring smile and put his right hand on my shoulder: "They almost sucked your soul out of you and Remus, you two must have been the ones with the most painful memories. They didn't really notice me inbetween all you unlucky bastards and so I could cast a patronus after I came back from my unconsciousness. 

"What? That means that you scared away hundreds of Dementors at once!", I stated with an open mouth. And I hadn't even been able to cast one. How embarrassing. I looked down to my feet, only realizing now that we were both still standing at the door. So I turned around and walked back to Remus bed, hearing James footsteps right behind me. 

"Yeah, I guess.", James mumbled, as if it wasn't such a big deal. I rolled my eyes and smirked: It was typical James to talk himself down at first, but then, when he was being reassured by others, he seemingly gave in and bragged a little, enjoying the admiration. 

"Hey you, did he wake up yet?", someone from the door asked and by the intense smell of his cologne I assumed it was Sirius. When he came over and naturally put an arm around me, I was totally sure. 

"I was meaning to talk to you, Scar. Really important, so you better come with me.", he then whispered in my ear, loud enough for both James and Remus to hear, if he was awake. Against everything that I expected, these words didn't fill my stomach with butterflies anymore. It didn't even make me nervous anymore that he had his arm around me, now it just felt like he was a good friend to me. Finally. 

"Sure thing. James, will you let us know when Remus wakes up?", I asked and James nodded, not turning his head to look after us. Just when we reached the door, James shouted: "He is waking up right now actually."

My heart made a jump and beat faster, but Sirius wouldn't let me go to him. "Trust me on this, you want to talk to me before you go back to him.", he whispered again and I left the hospital wing with him. Firstly, because I was curious and secondly, because I was never as strong as him. We walked through the corridors for a while, until he found an empty classroom and pulled me inside it. 

"If you want to make out..", I started, but he just laughed: "What? No, why would you think that?" I did feel a little offended that he found the thought of us kissing so amusing, since he did flirt with me almost every year since second grade. 

"What is it then?", I asked and sat on a desk with my feet on the chair in front of it. Sirius smirked and came closer, and I could see excitement in his eyes: "We are going to fight for them!"

"What?", I asked, confused. 

"Remus and Marlene. You love Remus, I love Mar- "

"Hold on a second. First of all, how do you know that I love Remus? And second of all, WHAT? You LOVE somebody? As in, I want to spend the rest of my life with her?" Sirius blushed like I had never seen him before. He actually seemed insecure and maybe even a little scared. 

"Well, it's obvious that you like him. I know you, Scar and you like him. And I am not sure yet, but with Marlene it's different than with anybody else I have been with -no offense. She is just, I can't describe it. She is just so..."

"... Special.", I finished his sentence and thought about Remus. He was special. He was my best friend, I could goof around with him, laugh with him and be myself around him, but on the other hand he was this sweet guy who could always cheer my up, who would make me feel so safe when I hugged him and who would just make my stomach go crazy when I was around him. 

"Yeah, special.", Sirius repeated and he also seemed to be lost in his thoughts about Marlene. "That is why we have to win them back. I will have to apologize big time and you just have to tell him that you love him."

I laughed ironically and shook my head: "No way. I can't just tell him that I love him! That's crazy, I think he doesn't even like me back anyways. He kissed that bitch Isabella anyways. I really don't feel like getting my heart broken again."

"Oh, come on, Scar. I will do it first if you want and if you could please help me with it.", Sirius said, putting his hand where James had put his before.

"Wait! Didn't James say that Remus woke up when we left? Maybe I should be there with him then, I will tell you everything about how you can make up with Marlene later, okay?", I asked hysterically and jumped off the table, running to the door and leaving the classroom without looking back. I didn't even know why I wanted to go to Remus so quickly, maybe I was just happy to see him again after the night of the full moon or maybe I was afraid that Isabella would already be there to kiss him awake. That thought made me sprint even faster and when I got to the door of the hospital, I was really out of breath. 

"Here goes nothing.", I said to myself and opened the door. When I walked inside, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my heart, because in the room were only Aya, Fabian, James and Remus, no Isabella in sight. Remus smiled at me, he had gotten up, but still looked a bit pale. I walked over to him and pulled him into a tight hug, never wanting to let go. 

"I am so sorry for everything.", I said into his grey sweater and I had to do my best not to cry. I wanted to tell him so much more that this, but I just didn't have the courage to say it. 

"We are going to leave you alone for a while.", Aya said and while hugging my best friend, I heard them leave the room. 

"I am sorry, too.", Remus said and backed out of the hug. "Our friendship was getting awkward, I should have done something about it.", he said and I smiled, barely holding back the tears. 

"Weird question.. Maybe because I am still on pain killers or something... What would you say if I told you that I had a crush on you, theoretically.", I said and it cost all my bravery to even say this. 

Remus smiled: "Well, I would be nice about it. I mean, I wouldn't want to ruin this friendship again and I would try to tell you in the nicest way possible that I don't feel the same way."

That was it. Fuck you, Sirius! With your words of 'He loves you' and his encouraging to tell him the truth! Remus just didn't love me and I had to get over him. Once again, the tears managed to fill my eyes and blurr my sight. Quickly, I turned around. Will all my strength left, I said: "Well good thing that I don't have a crush on you then." 

Then I walked out the door, leaving him behind me, wishing that I could just walk away from my feelings like that.