Don’t Believe Them, Leah Parker [mobile ebook reader txt] 📗

my stomach. My tongue felt swollen and my long hair got covered in puke.

My stomach feels like I’ve just had surgery. Honestly, it’s killing me and I can’t take the pain! At the moment, I want to stab myself, it would take the pain away. Mickey also isn’t helping because he keeps telling me to stop throwing up and to calm down and that it’s not a big deal, but for someone who has Emetophobia, it is a really big deal. If you don’t know what Emetophobia is, it’s the phobia and overwhelming, intense feeling of anxiety when you purge, smell it or see someone who is. It’s a horrible phobia to have but I’m on anti-anxiety tablets for it. I know I sound really hypocritical because I said that pills were bad to my ma, but when you really need them, they will help you. The scariest part is admitting you need help. Trust me, I know. Having this phobia has made me get panicky when I get sick even if it is just a common cold.

I’ve looked up and researched this fear many times before and even tried online therapy but that hasn’t worked and makes me feel even more bad about it. Even films portray it as a bad thing.

Because I was worried about tomorrow, I decided to take some Rescue Remedy which is anti-anxiety. It tasted okay at first but then the taste got worse so I ate some crisps which I actually managed to keep down. It didn’t convince Mary that I didn’t need to see the doctor though, sadly.

I think the real main reason that Mary wants to take me to my GP is that I’ve lost so much weight now and I’m starting to look like I’m being starved. I’ve gone down two dress sizes and even my socks are too big.

Everyday, I think about Tucker. He bullied me but I never thought about him. How he felt. Okay, sure enough he could have been happy and relieved to bully me, but he was probably relieved because he got his anger off his chest. He was able to live like any other child. Instead of solving my problems with my fists, I should have told a teacher. I shouldn’t have been such an eejit. It’s all my fault he’s gone and I need to pay the price. How though? Do I confess to the Garda? I can’t just live with guilt.

If I’m honest, I don’t know how people can be bullies or murderers because how would they be able to have a family and a good job? They can’t. Anyway, I have to walk the dog. I’ve never mentioned the dog before, his name is Cooper and he is a Giant Schnauzer. His coat is so fluffy and black he makes you melt a little inside every time you see him.

I’ve just returned from walking Cooper. He was good on his lead today, usually he pulls and drags you around the street but today he walked by my side the whole time. I’m still nervous about tomorrow because what if something is really bad is happening to me? What if I have cancer or Pneumonia? Am I going to die? At least if I do, I will be out of me ma’s way and with Tuck. I shouldn’t be thinking this way but I can’t help it; I don’t like the doctors but I have to go otherwise if something is wrong, I will know and I can help myself so nothing bad happens to me, like death or being put into a coma or even being paralysed.

 

19/9

I went to the doctors today and I heard something I wish I didn’t. I had a blood test and from what they heard, they said I have Bulimia. How though? According to my GP, I have to go to a mental health specialist next week so they can assess me and see if I need to be put on medication to help it and what is making me have the need to throw up all the time. What they do suspect, though, is Tucker’s death. How it’s impacted my life and how I feel and my health. Tucker’s death has impacted my life a lot, in all honesty, and I do have recurring nightmares of the day he fell. There’s a rumour going around school saying that Eilis and Ricky were behind the fall. Because I was there, I had to give a statement which I’m quite anxious to do; I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet. After having a lifetime of being bullied, I should be used to it by now, but I’m not. It’s harder every time and it isn’t fair for someone like me to be picked on every time I set foot outside of my house.

Even when I’m sleeping I get hate messages and I wake up to people telling me to kill myself like Tucker did and I just can’t take it anymore. I can’t live like this, but I have no choice. Who will listen to a bulimic 15 year old who was taken from his mum? Nobody. I’m way too much of an outcast as it is and I don’t want to be bullied any longer! How would they like it if I went to sleep and never woke up? That’s where I’m heading. I want to be safe to be alive. No, I need to be safe and be alive.

I got a message from Eilis and she seemed highly overwhelmed:

Hello Jesse, don’t believe what people are saying. Please, promise me. I may have had something to do with it but it was Ricky. All Ricky’s idea and he did it, not me. I swear. I would never lie to you, you’re my best friend and I know we’ve had troubles in the past but I would never do something like that, you can quote me on it.

What? What are people saying? I don’t get it, was it to do with Tucker or something else? Guess I’ll never know. I didn’t know what to say so I sent a smiley face in hopes that I didn’t do anything wrong. A few minutes ago, I had to take my pills for my condition. I don’t like using the term ‘Bulimia’ because it sounds way too scientific and I don’t want to label myself. I’m going to beat this, that you can count me on. My pills taste like dissolved paracetamol when you leave it on your tongue for too long, in other words, rank. I have to take antidepressants which are prescribed to me and I’ve been reading up on Bulimia and it’s life-threatening. I could die! I don’t want that so I’m going to do what I need to do to get better, even if it means going to rehab. I’m going to get better and I’m going to live. I promise I will be there to see my first kid be born, if I ever manage to have a kid. First, I have to find a girl who can put up with me for longer than five minutes. Then I will have to marry her if she can and if she can, she is the one. I know it sounds corny but after all I’ve been through in my past, all I can do is look and hope for the future.

I was so bored so I turned on the tv in my bedroom. I was that bored I was watching the news and saw Ricky and Eilis’ pictures on the screen. I was flabbergasted. It showed a security camera clip from the roof of the school and you could see them forcefully push Tucker. What the heck? I couldn’t believe my eyes; I was hoping that this was another illusion or a dream-well, a nightmare- but it wasn’t. It was real life. As soon as I clicked the pause button on my remote, I got another message from Eilis, it read:

I told you not to believe them. I tried telling you, but I couldn’t bring myself to. I’m really sorry and I hope we can still be friends. Goodbye love. Xx

Goodbye? So this is what she was trying to tell me. My ex enemies who are now my friends killed my bully? It doesn’t make sense, but what does make sense is that I feel sick again. It was two hours since I had taken my medication, so I took some again. I had to down a pint of water to get rid of the taste but it didn’t and I was shaking my head violently hoping that would make the taste disappear. I was wrong again!

Putting my head in my hands, I procrastinated taking Cooper for a walk. I didn’t know that they were capable of murder, but they were, and I couldn’t do anything to stop them. They took Tucker’s life, it was no accident. It wasn’t a cry for help and it wasn’t suicide. I felt helpless knowing this information and not being able to portray it to anyone. Not even Mickey. Although he’s practically my brother, I can’t tell him; he’d go nuts and I cant handle him flipping his lid.

Cooper sat on the threshold to my room whining begging me to take him for a walk. I needed some fresh air so I stood up, grabbed his lead- which he doesn’t really need- put on my shoes and we walked to the closest woodland to us. Luckily it was only a few minutes away and it was wet so we tried hurrying to get out of the rain. We were soaking wet by the time we got into the woods and hiding under trees didn’t help at all. I was running with Cooper through a puddle and my trainer got stuck into the mud. My foot was covered with mud and rain and my foot squelched every time I took a step. It felt absolutely disgusting and I cringed with every step, my foot was sopping wet and Coop didn’t even care that he was getting wet. He was living the dream!

I had forgotten all about what Eilis and Ricky had done until I got home. As I walked in, Mary pulled me into a hug and told me that it was all going to be okay. I believed her as her voice was so calm and soft and she kissed me on the head. Even though I wasn’t with my biological mam, Mary was definitely going to be my step-mum. And I wanted her to be. Yes, that sounds rude but if she didn’t make me a doctors appointment, I could’ve been dead by now but because she cares about me I’m not and I appreciate that. I didn’t even understand what Bulimia was until they told me I had it. I now know why they make a huge fuss over mental illnesses in the media as we can’t control it and it isn’t our fault, it’s the environments fault. Peer pressure is also a huge problem at the moment as popular children are ‘recruiting’ and forces the newbies to throw up and wear makeup to make them look good. Honestly, everyone is beautiful. Never change, please. I love people for who they are, not what they are or what they look like. It’s what’s inside that matters, not the outside.

It’s a few hours later now and I just had a really nutritious dinner. I managed to keep it down too and I actually enjoyed it. It was strange to taste. I haven’t thrown up for a while now and I’m enjoying it.

 

25/9

 

I haven’t written for a bit because I wanted some time to get used to my medication. My mother actually texted me as well

Hey babe. I hope you’re okay, Mary told me and I’m so, so sorry you had to go through that. Xx. I’m seeing you today to take you for lunch. Love you xx.

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