Mr. Punch in Bohemia, Various [most inspirational books .TXT] 📗

Time was when Bohemianism was synonymous with soiled linen and unkempt locks. But those days of the ragged Bohemia have happily passed away, and that land of unconventional life—which had finally grown conventional in its characteristics—has now become "a sphere of influence" of Modern Society! In a word, it is now respectable. There are those who firmly believe it has been wiped off the social map. The dress suit and the proprieties are thought by some to be incompatible with its existence. But it is not so; the new Bohemia is surely no less delightful than the old. The way to it is through the doors of almost any of the well-known literary and art clubs of London. Its inhabitants are our artists, our men of letters, our musicians, and, above all, our actors.

In the present volume we are under the guidance of Mr. Punch, himself the very flower of London's Bohemia, into this land of light-hearted laughter and the free-and-easy[Pg 6] manner of living. We shall follow him chiefly through the haunts of the knights of the pen and pencil, as we have another engagement to spend some agreeable hours with him in the theatrical and musical world. It should be noted, however, that we shall not be limited to what has been called "Upper Bohemia", but that we shall, thanks to his vast experience, be able to peep both at the old and new.

Easily first amongst the artists who have depicted the humours of Bohemia is Phil May. Keene and Du Maurier run him close, but their Bohemia is on the whole more artistic, less breezily, raggedly, hungrily unconventional than his. It is a subject that has inspired him with some of his best jokes, and some of his finest drawings.

[Pg 7]

MR. PUNCH IN BOHEMIA

The Invalid Author.—Wife. "Why, nurse is reading a book, darling! Who gave it her?" Husband. "I did, my dear." Wife. "What book is it?" Husband. "It's my last." Wife. "Darling! When you knew how important it is that she shouldn't go to sleep!"

A Bookworm's Observation.—When a man has got turned of 70, he is in the appendix of life.

Table of Contents.—The dinner table.

[Pg 8]

THE GRUB AND THE BUTTERFLY I.

"All right, sir. I'll just wash 'er face, sir, and then she shall come round to your stoodio, sir."

[Pg 9]

II.

"Here's a little girl come for you, sir!"

[Pg 10]

PUNCH'S PROVERBS

Most sticks have two ends, and a muff gets hold of the wrong one.

The good boy studies his lesson; the bad boy gets it.

If sixpence were sunshine, it would never be lost in the giving.

The man that is happy in all things will rejoice in potatoes.

Three removes are better than a dessert.

Dinner deferred maketh the hungry man mad.

Bacon without liver is food for the mind.

Forty winks or five million is one sleep.

You don't go to the Mansion House for skilligolee.

Three may keep counsel if they retain a barrister.

What is done cannot be underdone.

You can't make a pair of shoes out of a pig's tail.

Dinner hour is worth every other, except bedtime.

No hairdresser puts grease into a wise man's head.[Pg 12]

An upright judge for a downright rogue.

Happiness is the hindmost horse in the Derby.

Look before you sit.

Bear and forebear is Bruin and tripe.

Believe twice as much as you hear of a lady's age.

Content is the conjuror that turns mock-turtle into real.

There is no one who perseveres in well-doing like a thorough humbug.

The loosest fish that drinks is tight.

Education won't polish boots.

Experience is the mother of gumption.

Half-a-crown is better than no bribe.

Utopia hath no law.

There is no cruelty in whipping cream.

Care will kill a cat; carelessness a Christian.

He who lights his candle at both ends, spills grease.

Keep your jokes to yourself, and repeat other people's.

The Best Text-book for Pugilists.—Knox on anatomy.

Acrobats' Tipple.—Champagne in tumblers.

[Pg 11]

What our Artist has to put up with.—Fond Mother. "I do wish you would look over some of my little boy's sketches, and give me your candid opinion on them. They strike me as perfectly marvellous for one so young. The other day he drew a horse and cart, and, I can assure you, you could scarcely tell the difference."

[Pg 13]

OUR SMOKING CONCERT

Irate Member. "Well, I'll take my oath I came in a hat!"

[Pg 14]

EDITORS

["Editors, behind their officialism, are human just like other folks, for they think and they work, they laugh and they play, they marry—just as others do. The best of them are brimful of human nature, sympathetic and kindly, and full of the zest of life and its merry ways."—Round About.]

To look at, the ordinary editor is so like a human being that it takes an expert to tell the difference.

When quite young they make excellent pets, but for some strange reason people never confess that they have editors in the house.

Marriage is not uncommon among editors, and monogamy is the rule rather than the exception.

The chief hobby of an editor is the collection of stamped addressed envelopes, which are sent to him in large numbers. No one knows why he should want so many of these, but we believe he is under the impression that by collecting a million of them he will be able to get a child into some hospital.

Of course in these enlightened days it is illegal to shoot editors, while to destroy their young is tantamount to murder.

[Pg 15]

Country Cousin (looking at Index of R. A. Catalogue). "Uncle, what does 1, 3, 6, 8, after a man's name, mean?"

Uncle (who has been dragged there much against his will). "Eh! What? 1, 3——Oh, Telephone number!"

[Pg 16]

In the Artist's Room.—Potztausend. "My friend, it is kolossal! most remark-worthy! You remind me on Rubinstein; but you are better as he." Pianist (pleased). "Indeed! How?" Potztausend. "In de bersbiration. My friend Rubinstein could never bersbire so moch!"

[Pg 17]

Brothers in Art.—New Arrival. "What should I charge for teaching ze pianoforte?" Old Stager. "Oh, I don't know." N. A. "Vell, tell me vot you charge." O. S. "I charge five guineas a lesson." N. A. "Himmel! how many pupils have you got?" O. S. "Oh, I have no pupils!"

[Pg 18]

A DIVISION OF LABOUR

["Journalism.—Gentleman (barrister) offers furnished bedroom in comfortable, cheerful chambers in Temple in return for equivalent journalistic assistance, &c."—Times.]

The "equivalent" is rather a nice point. Mr. Punch suggests for other gentlemen barristers the following table of equivalence:—

1 furnished bedroom. =   1 introduction (by letter) to sub-editor of daily paper. 1 furnished bedroom with use of bath. =   1 introduction (personal) to sub-editor. 1 bed-sitting-room. =   1 introduction and interview (five minutes guaranteed) with editor. 2 furnished rooms. =   1 lunch (cold) with Dr. Robertson Nicoll. 2 furnished rooms, with use of bath. =   1 lunch (hot) with Dr. Nicoll and Claudius Clear. 1 furnished flat, with all modern conveniences, electric light, trams to the corner, &c. =   1 bridge night with Lord Northcliffe, Sir George Newnes, and Mr. C. A. Pearson.
When is an author most likely to be sick of his own writing?

When he's regularly in the swing.

[Pg 19]

DRINK TO ME ONLY WITH THINE EYES SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS

[Pg 20]

Little Griggs (to caricaturist). "By Jove, old feller, I wish you'd been with me this morning; you'd have seen such a funny looking chap!"

[Pg 21]

(Model wishing to say something pleasant.) "You must have painted uncommonly well when you were young!"

[Pg 22]

Dinner and Dress.—Full dress is not incompatible with low dress. At dinner it is not generally the roast or the boiled that are not dressed enough. If young men are raw, that does not much signify but it is not nice to see girls underdone.

A Cheap Bath.—A farthing dip.

"Light Dues."—Photographers' charges.

"Lettered Ease."—The catalogue of the British Museum.

A Professional View of Things.—Trecalfe, our bookseller, who has recently got married, says of his wife, that he feels that her life is bound up in his.

TAVERN WINE MEASURE 2 sips make 1 glass. 2 glasses   make 1 pint. 2 pints makes 1 quart bottle. 1 bottle makes one ill.
The Boarding-out System.—Dining at the club.

[Pg 23]

Mrs. Mashem. "Bull-bull and I have been sitting for our photographs as 'Beauty and the Beast'!"

Lord Loreus (a bit of a fancier). "Yes; he certainly is a beauty, isn't he?"]

[Pg 24]

Short Rules for Calculation.—To Find the Value of a Dozen Articles.—Send them to a magazine, and double the sum offered by the proprietor.

Another Way.—Send them to the butterman, who will not only fix their value, but their weight, at per pound.

To Find the Value of a Pound at any price.—Try to borrow one, when you are desperately hard up.

Member of the Lyceum Club. Have you read Tolstoi's "Resurrection"?

Member of the Cavalry Club. No. Is that the name of Marie Corelli's new book?

CONVIVIAL TOAST (For a Temperance F�te)

Fill high: Drink L'eau.

First Reveller (on the following morning). "I say, is it true you were the only sober man last night?"

Second Reveller. "Of course not!"

First Reveller. "Who was, then?"

An Ugly Bargain.—A cheap bull-dog.

[Pg 25]

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