The OOBS, CC Raz [best ereader for academics txt] 📗

super embarassing. So instead, I sat at the tables outside and ate my food all alone. All alone, like a loser. Really, I wasn't a loser. Everyone in that class loved me, even though I had only been there for like 2 weeks. *sigh*

No one else knows that story. You are the only one who knows that I almost killed my teacher, and was so ridden with guilt that I couldn't bring myself to face my peers. Oh, the child that I was...

That day is surprisingly vivid in my memory. It was just after the snow had all melted. Because like two days before we hadn't been able to eat outside because the tables had snow on them. But it was still pretty cold, so no one wanted to sit outside. Poor, poor little me, shivering and all alone, dealing with the guilt of almost accidentally killing my teacher. :(

Now that I think about it, you probably shouldn't have closed your eyes earlier. Or, at least not kept them closed. Because.... well, I'm sure you know why. Then again, maybe you're up in the mountains of Colorado and the thin air is making you light-headed and stupid. If that's the case, then you shouldn't have kept your eyes closed because this is an email and you have to read it. With your eyes. :)

Well.. I gotta go now. I'm thinking I'll take the kids and the dog to the park for a little while. That'd be fun for them, don't you think? I think so. :) So... I might email you yet again tonight before I go to bed. Or not. Who knows? Maybe I'll just send you a few lyrics. :) Either way, I'll be in touch.

Love,
CC Raz

PS- I'm still talking to Jacob. He really cares about you, Gwen. And he's determined to keep you. Not in a creepy stalker way, but in a good way. Just thought I'd let you know that. :) Love ya, Gwen. Still praying, still staying strong. Love, CC Raz

PS2- "Still praying, still staying strong" is pretty much how I've answered everything the last couple days. "Cassie, how are you doing tonight?" "Still praying, still staying strong." I dunno. It fits, and it's true. So why think of a new way to say it each time?

PS3- I dunno if this means anything to you, but Jake said that he'll be praying for you too. He doesn't like you much, but he does care about you, even if he doesn't want to admit it. So, even though you don't have a big brother, you can borrow mine sometimes. If you want.

PSP- See what I did there? Except this PSP isn't portable. Unless you have a mobile device on which you can check your email. In that case, it is very portable. Well... I'm not really sure where I was going with this one. I just wanted to have a PSP. Just cuz I thought... I dunno. It really kinda amazed me. I did the second PS and thought, "I might as well go to PSP. If Sony can do it, why can't I?" I just... yeah. I'll go now.

For real this time...
Still praying, still staying strong
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Old memories that I can't remember

5/29

Jordyn died a couple days ago. Mom just found out today, and just came home from work and told us a little while ago.

Jordyn's parents were in the Jaycees together. Jordyn was Jake's age, and she has a little sister that's Shelsey's ago. It really bugs me now, because... that's all that I can remember about her.

She had long blonde hair.
We were together a lot. I mean, our families were. So there were a lot of times when all of us kids would be playing together.

And that's it. That's ALL that I can remember. And... that really bugs me. She's gone. And it's not like we were best friends. I haven't seen her since... I don't know. The last time we went to the Senate Campout, which was when I was six at the most. But it bugs me that I don't remember anything else. I don't remember if I liked her or if we got along or anything like that.

She died in a car crash. She wasn't drunk or drinking at all. Not high. Not texting, not touching her phone at all. She was just tired. And now she's gone.

I'm not even crying. I should be, right? I mean, I should be sad that she's dead. Because she's someone who I shared my childhood with.
But I'm not crying. I'm not really sad that she's dead. I mean, I'm sad that she's dead. But it's like if I heard on the news that a stranger just ded. I'm sad, but not the same kind of sad as someone who I know. Instead, I'm more sad that I don't remember anything about her.

Stay safe, Gwen. I don't want to lose you because of something like you were just too tired to drive. I can't... no. Because losing you would be a hell of a lot harder than hearing that Jordyn's dead. Because you are my best friend. I do remember everything about you. I love you. And I can't lose you.

Still praying, still staying strong. Now I just have extra reasons to pray.
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#First text

5/29

And when the dayyylight... Comes I'll have to go. But tonight I wanna hold you so close.    I've had that some stuck in my head all morning. So I thought I'd get it stuck in your head too. Just those two lines, because I don't know the rest of the song.

OOB#Attack rat

5/30

So, Ken calls Oscar and Taz the attack rats. Of course, they are NOT rats. They are precious babies. But, in the words of one of the girls at the apartments, they "attack people with love." Now... for the most part, I would agree. But they don't like Lawson and Jolie. Well, Oscar doesn't. Taz hasn't been here all week.
   But... yesterday I took them to the park. And Oscar found a stick and I started playing with him with it. Then I gave the stick to Jolie and he just went and loid down and wouldn't play with her. At all. And he won't play with Lawson either. And he hates Jake.
   He just follows me around all day, and when I'm not home, Jake says he just sleeps. Why won't he let them love him?
   But I sorta like it. Like... He's my baby, and the fact that he only loves me makes me kinda happy. It's selfish, I know.

I haven't heard anything from your dad yet, so he hasn't talked to you. I didn't get a chance to talk to Kenny today. Hopefully tomorrow I'll remember. If not.... I lost my chance. Maybe I could send Cass an email asking if she's talked to you, how you're doing, etc. But I don't know if that would work. Because, A) I don't know where Cass stands on this right now. I don't know if she still thinks your mom is being ridiculous, or if she agrees with her. So she might not like that I message her. And B) If you're talking to your mom, you'll be acting about how everything is. You'll say that everything's just fine, even if it isn't. Maybe it is. Maybe they're being really nice and understanding. But... I dunno. Even if they are being nice and understanding, you're still cut off from every support system you have. That is, except for God. He's definitely your biggest one, and that's how it should be. But He's not the only one who helps you through things, and He doesn't always give that immediate, obvious feedback that you get from people (not that it's bad... just sometimes as a human it helps more to be able to hug someone, or just have them hold you, feel them next to you). I don't really know where I'm going with this though.
I'll think about sending Cass an email. Who knows.

One thing is bugging me. The other day I went to check your email. And you had a couple messages from Jacob that had been sent after your phone was taken away and after you were in Colorado. And they were marked as read. I figured, that could be really good, or it could be bad.
It's really good if it was you that checked it. That means you have some oppotunity to check your email, but not reply (when I saw that they were read, I went to check your sent messages and you hadn't replies to Jacob). That means that we don't get feedback on how you're doing, but you still get to hear a little about what's going on here, you know?
But it's really bad if you don't have a chance to check it. Your mom has your phone. And that phone is linked to your email. And she could be checking your email. ?? I don't know. If your mom is checking your email... it's bad. Not because she's reading the emails. At this point, it doesn't really matter. All it would show her is that we aren't giving up. She already knows about the rest of it. But... I don't know. ??

Well, I have to go now. Jake's yelling at me to watch my puppy. He's just paying on the living room floor, not doing anything wrong. But he probably has to go potty soon. So.. duty calls. I might send you more tonight. :)

Still praying, still staying strong.
Love,
CC Raz