The OOBS, CC Raz [best ereader for academics txt] 📗

Pretty much on my own. It's not that I don't think I could handle it. Especially if it was just me at the apartments, I'd be perfectly fine. The mess wouldn't ever get too big (if other people are around, I don't like cleaning. But if it's just my mess that I'm surrounded by, I can take care of it. Easy). As long as I had a car. Which... would be a problem, because we only have one car. I'd go to school, go to practice, and go to work when I was scheduled. I'd be able to take care of myself, no problem.
   The part that I have a problem with is my mom being so okay with all her kids leaving. I mean.. She can't really do anything about Jake leaving. But she just let Shelsey go because she was tired of dealing with her attitude. And now she's already prepared to let me go live on my own, an hour away from her? It doesn't... I don't know. I don't know what to think. I want her to be happy, and she likes spending time with Ken. And she spends a ton of gas money driving to Ken's and back each weekend. And living there would save her money. But what about me? Why is she so willing to leave me here in Wickenburg while she goes off and has her own new little life in Wintersburg? Again, I could handle it. I've been on my own every single weekend since February. With a few exceptions. All weekend, I have to find my own transportation, make my own food, clean up, and all that. Do what needs to be done. I can do it. I even do it during the week, and take care of myself AND 3 younger children. So... I could handle it.
    But it bugs me that she's just giving up all of her children. 
    And this isn't just a thing that she's sorta, not really, but still kinda considering. No. She's turned in job applications and talked to Ken. And before she talked to Ken, she was just going to rent a house out there, so she had Amy find her houses that were cheap, that she could rent. This woman is serious.

I just feel... Lied to. Mom always said, "Dad will get custody of you kids over my dead body." Well, Dad has full physical custody of Shelsey now. She always talked about how she's not the one that left, and how she would never leave her kids. But now she's leaving me? How does that make sense?
   She knows. SHE KNOWS how much I despise my dad for leaving his kids, and giving up custody, and not being a dad anymore. SHE KNOWS how much that has hurt me. So why the HELL is she doing it to me? She's not giving up custody. But she's leaving. It's okay for her to do it because she knows I can handle it? Because I have a job and I can drive so I don't need her anymore. And no, I don't NEED her. Well, in some ways I do. Like I don't make enough to support myself. I can't pay the bills and insurance and groceries and gas, plus the necessities like tampons and toothpaste. I need her to help me with that. Since... I'm 16. Other than that... I can do it. I'm responsible and mature enough to handle it. And for bigger issues, that I can't handle on my own, I have Nana and Papa and an aunt and uncle who can come to my rescue. But seriously. I could do it. I am capable.
   But I don't want to. Because I'm 16. I do want to sort of be a kid, for the last two years that I'm able to. Before I go to college and have to take care of myself.
   I don't want to be one of those kids who lives alone. Not while I'm in high school. It would be lonely. And depressing. And wrong. If I have two parents who are perfectly healthy and able to take care of me, I shouldn't have to take care of myself. Whether I am capable or not. It shouldn't have to happen. And how would I explain the situation to people? "Oh, yeah, well my dad left with I was 12 and then when I was 16 my mom moved in with her boyfriend who lived an hour away but I didn't want to switch schools, so I was on my own, mostly."  Yeah. Because that doesn't sound bad at all. I don't like people thinking that my mom is a bad mom. She's not the best but she's been through a LOT and she' disabled and she does the best that she can. But stuff like this... it's just stupid. You do NOT leave your 16 year old child to take care of herself. You just don't. It's stupid. And wrong.
    And it's goig to hurt me. She was concerned with what Ken would think about her moving out there, even when she was going to get her own place, separate from his house. But the only thing she asked me is if I wanted to continue going to school here.
    She gets mad at my dad for living far away, when his kids live in Wickenburg and this is where our lives are. Okay. So why does she get to leave? At least Dad left his kids with an adult around. Who can... you know. Legally do things that I couldn't do, simply because I'm a minor. Mom's just leaving.

What do you think? I just... I don't know. Maybe I'll talk to her. Or write her a letter. SOMETHING. I just... I don't want to be abandoned again. Last time, I had no say in it. Now? I do. It might not change anything, but... I don't know. I don't want to be alone.

I'm gonna go now. I think that this is long enough. I know you probably won't get this for a LONG time. So I won't get an answer for a while. I just needed to talk to someone about it. And you're who I wanna talk to abou it. I could talk to Bailey about it... but... I don't know. She'd just find some positive angle to look at the situation from. And sometimes,that's great. But here... Not so much.
Just tell me what you think, K?

Still praying (about lots), still staying strong (because it's actually a lot easier than giving up).
Love,
CC Raz

OOB#Divorce

6/10

I hate it when the kids notice how little we have. They usually don't notice, and just do what they can with what they have. But... My mom was just crying because she has to ask Nana for more money to pay the attorney. And Nana kept asking "Well I wanna know why it's costing so much. I wanna know what I'm paying for." And... I dunno. It just kinda escalated (that looks really wierd. Good thing this computer has spell check) until my mom was bawling. It was a mess. It was partially both of their faults. But anyway...
    Lawson asked me why Mom cries so much. That just about broke my heart. I don't want them to see Mom like that. When I was little, I NEVER saw my mom cry. The one time I saw her cry was when my grandpa died. Not even with physical pain did she ever cry in front of us. Then the divorce happened and she kinda cries all the time now. And I'm always the one there to comfort her. Jake kinda just.. stares at her. Shelsey tries to help, but she ends up just kinda hanging on Mom. And.. when you are bawling your eyes out, you don't need the extra weight of another person. I'm the one who's literally kept her from collapsing, who's had to crawl into the bathtub with her and hold her, and I'm the one who's sat in the room listening to her scream and yell at Dad, who's really not there. But this is off topic.
     When I was little, my mom never cried. And it bugs me that Lawson and Jolie won't get to look at my mom as the strong, confident woman that I always saw her as. And it killed me that he asked me about it. How do you explain that to a six-year old? I just... I don't know. I told him, "She's just hurting. Her heart hurts. You know how if someone punches you in the arm, your arm hurts? Well someone hurt her in her heart, and that makes her cry. So you need to give her lots of loves and hugs and kisses and mind her, so her heart won't hurt anymore. Like this." And then I gave him a giant bear hug and a giant kiss on the cheek to maybe get his mind onto a different topic before he asked who hurt her heart. Groovey Moses. That would be bad. But then he started talking about how the pig takes a bath in the sink (he was watching Charlotte's Web), so I could relax.

I didn't see those kids for 4 days. That is a LONG time to not see my kids. I don't know how my dad can go two weeks without seeing them or talking to them. Groovey Moses. I'm going to HATE going to college. I need my little chitlins.

I had cheer practice today, and EVERYONE asked me about my bruise. I got it when I fell off the horse on Saturday, and it's on the back of my thigh where I really can't see it. But apparently it's pretty bad. Julia said that it was so purple that she thought it was just part of my shorts. Nice. But it doesn't hurt at all. Unless someone comes up and pokes it. But... it's fine. It'll go away eventually and people will stop staring. Not like it's really an issue anyway. The only time I wear shorts short enough for anyone to see it is at cheer. And they all know the story now.

Jake's room is just always FREEZING.

My mom told me I have to quit my job. She's tired of me not being able to go out to Ken's with her on the weekends because I have to work ONE day a week. She said I'm 16 and I shouldn't have to be notified of all plans at least two weeks in advance because it's ridiculous and blah blah blah. So basically... I have no money now. Because I still have to pay for gas. And I'll have to keep withdrawing from my savings account, because I don't have a checking account. And that means that I get to pay all kinds of fines for withdrawing from my savings account. YAY!!
    Plus, I like working. I mean, I don't like having to go to work. But I like getting my paycheck and I like not feeling like a deadbeat. I figure if I'm old enough to have a job, I should have a job.
    But Mom's like, "Honey, relationships are more important to me than $20 paychecks for 2 weeks." Well first of all, I'm making more than $20 a paycheck. And... you could always stay in Wickenburg for the weekend.