Malignant Self Love, Samuel Vaknin [reading tree txt] 📗

intent at a

given moment - rather than the clear listing of long-term, iron-cast

and mutual commitments.

 

The rules that govern the narcissist’s universe are loopholed

incomprehensibles, open to an exegesis so wide and so

self-contradictory that it renders them meaningless. The narcissist

often hangs himself by his own verbose Gordic knots, having stumbled

through a minefield of logical fallacies and endured self-inflicted

inconsistencies. Unfinished sentences hover in the air, like vapour

above a semantic swamp.

 

In the case of the inverted narcissist, who was suppressed and abused

by overbearing caregivers, there is the strong urge not to offend.

Intimacy and inter-dependence are great. Parental or peer pressures are

irresistible and result in conformity and self-deprecation. Aggressive

tendencies, strongly repressed in the social pressure cooker, teem

under the veneer of forced civility and violent politeness.

Constructive ambiguity, a non-committal “everyone is good and right”,

an atavistic variant of moral relativism and tolerance bred of fear and

of contempt - are all at the service of this eternal vigilance against

aggressive drives, at the disposal of a never ending peacekeeping

mission.

 

With the classic narcissist, language is used cruelly and ruthlessly to

ensnare one’s enemies, to saw confusion and panic, to move others to

emulate the narcissist (“projective identification”), to leave the

listeners in doubt, in hesitation, in paralysis, to gain control, or to

punish. Language is enslaved and forced to lie. The language is

appropriated and expropriated. It is considered to be a weapon, an

asset, a piece of lethal property, a traitorous mistress to be gang

raped into submission.

 

With cerebral narcissists, language is a lover. The infatuation with

its very sound leads to a pyrotechnic type of speech which sacrifices

its meaning to its music. Its speakers pay more attention to the

composition than to the content. They are swept by it, intoxicated by

its perfection, inebriated by the spiralling complexity of its forms.

Here, language is an inflammatory process. It attacks the very tissues

of the narcissist’s relationships with artistic fierceness. It invades

the healthy cells of reason and logic, of cool headed argumentation and

level headed debate.

 

Language is a leading indicator of the psychological and institutional

health of social units, such as the family, or the workplace. Social

capital can often be measured in cognitive (hence, verbal-lingual)

terms. To monitor the level of comprehensibility and lucidity of texts

is to study the degree of sanity of family members, co-workers,

friends, spouses, mates, and colleagues. There can exist no hale

society without unambiguous speech, without clear communications,

without the traffic of idioms and content that is an inseparable part

of every social contract. Our language determines how we perceive our

world. It IS our mind and our consciousness. The narcissist, in this

respect, is a great social menace.

 

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 70

 

Collective Narcissism

 

Narcissism, Culture and Society

 

Question: I believe that (ethnic group deleted) are all narcissists.

Can it be that a group of people are all narcissists or am I your

average bigot and racist?

 

Answer: In their book “Personality Disorders in Modern Life”, Theodore

Millon and Roger Davis state, as a matter of fact, that pathological

narcissism was the preserve of “the royal and the wealthy” and that it

“seems to have gained prominence only in the late twentieth century”.

Narcissism, according to them, may be associated with “higher levels of

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs … Individuals in less advantaged nations

… are too busy trying (to survive) … to be arrogant and grandiose”.

 

They - like Lasch before them - attribute pathological narcissism to “a

society that stresses individualism and self-gratification at the

expense of community, namely the United States.” They assert that the

disorder is more prevalent among certain professions with “star power”

or respect. “In an individualistic culture, the narcissist is ‘God’s

gift to the world’. In a collectivist society, the narcissist is ‘God’s

gift to the collective’.”

 

Millon quotes Warren and Caponi’s “The Role of Culture in the

Development of Narcissistic Personality Disorders in America, Japan and

Denmark”:

 

“Individualistic narcissistic structures of self-regard (in

individualistic societies) … are rather self-contained and

independent … (In collectivist cultures) narcissistic configurations

of the we-self … denote self-esteem derived from strong

identification with the reputation and honour of the family, groups,

and others in hierarchical relationships.”

 

Having lived in the last 20 years 12 countries in 4 continents - from

the impoverished to the affluent, with individualistic and collectivist

societies - I know that Millon and Davis are wrong. Theirs is, indeed,

the quintessential American point of view which lacks an intimate

knowledge of other parts of the world. Millon even wrongly claims that

the DSM’s international equivalent, the ICD, does not include the

narcissistic personality disorder (it does).

 

Pathological narcissism is a ubiquitous phenomenon because every human

being - regardless of the nature of his society and culture - develops

healthy narcissism early in life. Healthy narcissism is rendered

pathological by abuse - and abuse, alas, is a universal human

behaviour. By “abuse” we mean any refusal to acknowledge the emerging

boundaries of the individual - smothering, doting, and excessive

expectations - are as abusive as beating and incest.

 

There are malignant narcissists among subsistence farmers in Africa,

nomads in the Sinai desert, day labourers in East Europe, and

intellectuals and socialites in Manhattan. Malignant narcissism is

all-pervasive and independent of culture and society.

 

It is true, though, that the WAY pathological narcissism manifests and

is experienced is dependent on the particulars of societies and

cultures. In some cultures, it is encouraged, in others suppressed. In

some societies it is channelled against minorities - in others it is

tainted with paranoia. In collectivist societies, it may be projected

onto the collective, in individualistic societies, it is an

individual’s trait.

 

Yet, can families, organizations, ethnic groups, churches, and even

whole nations be safely described as “narcissistic” or “pathologically

self-absorbed”? Wouldn’t such generalisations be a trifle racist and

more than a trifle wrong? The answer is: it depends.

 

Human collectives - states, firms, households, institutions, political

parties, cliques, bands - acquire a life and a character all their own.

The longer the association or affiliation of the members, the more

cohesive and conformist the inner dynamics of the group, the more

persecutory or numerous its enemies, the more intensive the physical

and emotional experiences of the individuals it is comprised of, the

stronger the bonds of locale, language, and history - the more rigorous

might an assertion of a common pathology be.

 

Such an all-pervasive and extensive pathology manifests itself in the

behaviour of each and every member. It is a defining - though often

implicit or underlying - mental structure. It has explanatory and

predictive powers. It is recurrent and invariable - a pattern of

conduct melded with distorted cognition and stunted emotions. And it is

often vehemently denied.

 

A possible DSM-like list of criteria for narcissistic organizations or

groups:

 

An all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need

for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning at

the group’s early history and present in various contexts. Persecution

and abuse are often the causes - or at least the antecedents - of the

pathology.

 

Five (or more) of the following criteria must be met:

 

_ The group as a whole, or members of the group - acting as such

and by virtue of their association and affiliation with the group -

feel grandiose and self-important (e.g., they exaggerate the group’s

achievements and talents to the point of lying, demand to be recognized

as superior - simply for belonging to the group and without

commensurate achievement).

 

_ The group as a whole, or members of the group - acting as such

and by virtue of their association and affiliation with the group - are

obsessed with group fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome

power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance, bodily beauty or

performance, or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering ideals or political

theories.

 

_ The group as a whole, or members of the group - acting as such

and by virtue of their association and affiliation with the group - are

firmly convinced that the group is unique and, being special, can only

be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other

special or unique, or high-status groups (or institutions).

 

_ The group as a whole, or members of the group - acting as such

and by virtue of their association and affiliation with the group -

require excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation -

or, failing that, wish to be feared and to be notorious (Narcissistic

Supply).

 

_ The group as a whole, or members of the group - acting as such

and by virtue of their association and affiliation with the group -

feel entitled. They expect unreasonable or special and favourable

priority treatment. They demand automatic and full compliance with

expectations. They rarely accept responsibility for their actions

(“alloplastic defences”). This often leads to antisocial behaviour,

cover-ups, and criminal activities on a mass scale.

 

_ The group as a whole, or members of the group - acting as such

and by virtue of their association and affiliation with the group - are

“interpersonally exploitative”, i.e., use others to achieve their own

ends. This often leads to antisocial behaviour, cover-ups, and

criminal activities on a mass scale.

 

_ The group as a whole, or members of the group - acting as such

and by virtue of their association and affiliation with the group - are

devoid of empathy. They are unable or unwilling to identify with or

acknowledge the feelings and needs of other groups. This often leads to

antisocial behaviour, cover-ups, and criminal activities on a mass

scale.

 

_ The group as a whole, or members of the group - acting as such

and by virtue of their association and affiliation with the group - are

constantly envious of others or believes that they feel the same about

them. This often leads to antisocial behaviour, cover-ups, and

criminal activities on a mass scale.

 

_ The group as a whole, or members of the group - acting as such

and by virtue of their association and affiliation with the group - are

arrogant and sport haughty behaviours or attitudes coupled with rage

when frustrated, contradicted, punished, limited, or confronted. This

often leads to antisocial behaviour, cover-ups, and criminal

activities on a mass scale.

 

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 89

 

The Spouse/Mate/Partner of the Narcissist

 

Question: What kind of a spouse/mate/partner is likely to be attracted

to a narcissist?

 

Answer:

 

The Victims

 

On the face of it, there is no (emotional) partner or mate, who

typically “binds” with a narcissist. They come in all shapes and sizes.

The initial phases of attraction, infatuation and falling in love are

pretty normal. The narcissist puts on his best face - the other party

is blinded by budding love. A natural selection process occurs only

much later, as the relationship develops and is put to the test.

 

Living with a narcissist can be exhilarating, is always onerous, often

harrowing. Surviving a relationship with a narcissist indicates,

therefore, the parameters of the personality of the survivor. She (or,

more rarely, he) is moulded by the relationship into The Typical

Narcissistic Mate/Partner/Spouse.

 

First and foremost, the narcissist’s partner must have a deficient or a

distorted grasp of her self and of reality. Otherwise, she (or he) is

bound to abandon the narcissist’s ship early on. The cognitive

distortion is likely to consist of belittling and demeaning herself -

while aggrandising and adoring the narcissist. The partner is, thus,

placing himself in the position of the eternal victim: undeserving,

punishable, a scapegoat. Sometimes, it is very important to the partner

to appear moral, sacrificial and victimised.

 

At other times, she is not even aware of