Malignant Self Love, Samuel Vaknin [reading tree txt] 📗

existence that most of

the survivors of narcissism are recounting on this list.

 

My experiences with narcissists, to me, ARE NORMAL for me. Comfortable

like an old pair of slippers that fit perfectly. I don’t expect many

people to attempt to do this, to ‘make themselves into’ this kind of

person. I don’t think anyone could, if they tried.

 

It is my need to be engulfed and merged that drives me to these

relationships and when I get those needs met I feel more normal, better

about myself. I am the outer extension of the narcissist. In many ways

I am a vanguard, a public two-way warning system, fiercely defending my

narcissist from harm, and fiercely loyal to him, catering to his every

need in order to protect his fragile existence. These are the dynamics

of my particular version of engulfment. I don’t need anyone to take

care of me. I need only to be needed in this very particular way, by a

narcissist who inevitably possesses the ability to engulf in a way that

normal, fully realised adults cannot. It is somewhat paradoxical - I

feel freer and more independent with a narcissist than without one. I

achieve more in my life when I am in this form of relationship. I try

harder, work harder, am more creative, think better of myself, excel in

most every aspect of my life.”

 

“…I go ahead and cater to him and pretend that his words don’t hurt,

and later, I engage in an internal fight with myself for being so

damned submissive. It’s a constant battle and I can’t seem to decide

which voice in my head I should listen to… I feel like a fool, yet, I

would rather be a fool with him than a lonely, well-rounded woman

without him. I’ve often said that the only way that we can stay

together is because we feed off of each other. I give him everything he

needs and he takes it. Seeing him happy and pleased is what gives me

pleasure. I feel very successful then.”

 

Partial NPD

 

“I do think it’s uncommon for girls to develop these patterns, as they

are usually trained to be self-effacing. I certainly was!

 

However, I have a lot of the very same underlying patterns that

full-blown, obnoxiously egotistical NP’s have, but I am not egotistical

because I didn’t develop the pattern of inflated Ego and grandiosity.

All the rest of it is there, though: fragile Ego, lack of a centre or

self, super-sensitive to criticism and rejections, pathological,

obsessive envy, comparisons and competitive attitudes toward others, a

belief that everyone in the world is either superior or inferior to me,

and so on.

 

Sometimes I kind of wish I had developed the inflated Ego of a complete

NP, because then I would at least be able to hide from all the pain I

feel. But at the same time, I’m glad I didn’t, because those people

have a much lower chance of recovery - how can they recover if they

don’t acknowledge anything is wrong? Whereas it’s pretty clear to me I

have problems, and I’ve spent my life working on them and trying to

change myself and heal.”

 

Narcissist-Non Narcissist

 

And Narcissist-Inverted Narcissist Couples

 

“Can a N and a non-N ever maintain a long lasting marriage? It would

seem that a non-N would have too much self-esteem to lend himself to a

lifetime of catering and pandering to an N’s unending need for unearned

adoration and glory. I, as a non-N… got tired of these people and

their unremitting attempts to drain my psyche within a relatively short

period of time and abandoned them as soon as I realised what I was

dealing with to preserve my own sanity.”

 

“It depends on the non-narcissist, really. Narcissism is a RIGID,

systemic pattern of responses. It is so all-pervasive and

all-encompassing that it is a PERSONALITY disorder. If the

non-narcissist is codependent, for instance, then the narcissist is a

perfect match for him and the union will last…”

 

“You have to pimp for the narcissist, intellectually, and sexually. If

your narcissist is somatic, you are much better off lining up the sex

partners than leaving it to him. Intellectual pimping is more varied.

You can think of wonderful things and then subtly string out the idea,

in the most delicate of packages and watch the narcissist cogitate

their way to ‘their’ brilliant discovery whilst you bask in the glow of

their perfection and success…

 

The point of this entire exercise is to assure YOUR supply, which is

the narcissist himself, not to punish yourself by giving away a great

idea or abase yourself because, of course, YOU are not worthy of having

such a great idea on your own - but who knows, it may seem that way to

the inverted narcissist. It really depends on how self-aware the

inverted is.”

 

“The only rejection you need to fear is the possibility of losing the

narcissist and if one is doing everything else right, this is very

unlikely to happen! So by ‘emotionally independent’ I am talking about

being self-assured, doing your own thing, having a life, feeling strong

and good about yourself, getting emotional sustenance from other

people. I mean, let’s face it, a drug is a drug is a habit. Habits just

are, and what they ARE NOT are the be all and end all of love,

commitment and serene symmetrical, balanced emotional perfection that

is the ideal of the romanticised ‘love-for-a-lifetime’ all-American

relationship dream.”

 

“(I am) terribly turned on by narcissists. The most exciting moments of

my life in every venue have been with narcissists. It is as if living

and loving with normal people is a grey thing by comparison, not

fuelled by sufficient adrenaline. I feel like a junkie, now, that I no

longer permit myself the giddy pleasure of the RUSH I used to know when

I was deeply and hopelessly involved with an N. I am like a

lotus-eater. And I always felt guilty about this and also sorry that I

ever succumbed that first time to my first narcissist lover.”

 

“I am exactly this way and I feel exactly as you do, that the world is

a sepia motion picture but when I am intimately involved with a

narcissist, it breaks out into three-dimensional Technicolor and I can

see and feel in ways that are not available to me otherwise. In my case

I developed this (inverted narcissism) as a result of being the

favourite of my father who so completely absorbed me into his

personality that I was not able to develop a sense of separation. So I

am stuck in this personality matrix of needing to be engulfed, adored

by and completely taken over by a narcissist in my life. In turn, I

worship, defend, regulate and procure Narcissistic Supply for my

narcissist. It is like the mould and the moulded.”

 

“In my case, I realise that while I can’t stop loving my current

narcissist, it isn’t necessary for me to avoid as long as I can

understand. In my way of looking at it, he is deserving of love, and

since I can give him love without it hurting me, then as long as he

needs it, he shall have it.”

 

“My personal theory is that dogmatic religious culture is a retarding

influence on the growth and maturation of those heavily involved - more

and more autonomy (and hence personal responsibility) seems to be

blithely sacrificed to the group mind/spirit. It is as though the

church members become one personality and that personality is

narcissistic and the individual just folds under the weight of that

kind of group pressure - particularly if you are a child.”

 

“If I displayed behaviour that made my XXX look good to others, I was

insipidly overvalued. When I dared be something other than who she

wanted me to be, the sarcastic criticism and total devaluation was

unbelievable. So, I learned to be all things to all people. I get a

heavenly high from surrendering my power to a narcissist, to catering

to them, in having them overvalue and need me, and it is the only time

that I truly feel alive…”

 

“We have very little choice in all of this. We are as vacant and warped

as the narcissist. XXX is wont to say, ‘I don’t HAVE a personality

disorder, I AM a personality disorder.’ It defines who we are and how

we will respond. You will always and ONLY have real feelings when you

are with a narcissist. It is your love map, it is the programming

within your psyche. Does it need to control your behaviour? Not

necessarily. Knowing what you are can at least give you the opportunity

to forecast the effect of an action before you take it. So, loveless

black and white may be the very healthiest thing for you for the

foreseeable future. I tend to think of these episodes with narcissists

as being cyclic. You will likely need to cut loose for a while when

your child is older.

 

DO NOT feel ashamed please! Should a physically handicapped person feel

ashamed of their handicap? No and neither should we. The trouble with

us is that we are fooled into thinking that these relationships are

‘guilty pleasures’. They feel so very good for a time but they are more

akin to addiction satisfaction rather than being the ‘right match’ or

an ‘appropriate relationship’. I am still very conflicted myself about

this. I wrote a few months ago that it was like having a caged very

dangerous animal inside of me. When I get near narcissists, the animal

smells its own kind and it wants out. I very carefully ‘micro-manage’

my life. This means that I daily do fairly regular reality checks and

keep a very tight reign on my self and my behaviours. I am also

obsessive-compulsive.”

 

“I feel as though I’m constantly on an emotional roller coaster. I may

wake up in a good mood, but if my N partner does or says something,

which is hurtful to me, my mood changes immediately. I now feel sad,

empty, afraid. All I want to do at this point is anything that will

make him say something NICE to me.

 

Once he does, I’m back on top of the world. This pattern of mood

changes, or whatever you may call them, can take place several times a

day. Each and every day. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m not sure

that I can trust myself to feel any one way, because I know that I have

no control over myself. He has the control. It’s scary, yet I’ve sort

of come to depend on him determining how I am going to feel.”

 

“When I was first involved with my cerebral narcissist I was like this

but after awhile I just learned to become more emotionally distant (the

ups and downs were just too much) and find emotional gratification with

other people, mostly girl friends and one of two male friends. I make a

point of saying … that the invert must be or become emotionally and

financially independent (if you don’t do this he will eat you up and

when he has finished with you and you are nothing but a husk, you will

be expelled from his life in one big vomit). It is really important for

you to start to take responsibility for your own emotional wellness

without regard to how he treats you. Remember that the narcissist has

the emotional maturity of a two-year old! Don’t expect much in the way

of emotional depth or support in your relationship - he simply is not

capable of anything that sophisticated.”

 

(*) Alice Ratzlaff, graduate of Queen’s University School of Law,

Kingston, Ontario, Canada practices child protection