Malignant Self Love, Samuel Vaknin [reading tree txt] 📗

on the

source of all justice meted - on the narcissist - are thus guaranteed.

 

What to do?

 

Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and

capricious behaviour.

 

If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him

taste some of his own medicine.

 

Dehumanisation and Objectification

 

People have a need to believe in the empathic skills and basic

good-heartedness of others. By dehumanising and objectifying people -

the narcissist attacks the very foundations of the social treaty. This

is the “alien” aspect of narcissists - they may be excellent imitations

of fully formed adults but they are emotionally non-existent, or, at

best, immature.

 

This is so horrid, so repulsive, so phantasmagoric - that people recoil

in terror. It is then, with their defences absolutely down, that they

are the most susceptible and vulnerable to the narcissist’s control.

Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual abuse are all forms of

dehumanisation and objectification.

 

What to do?

 

Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate

with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail.

 

If things get rough-disengage, involve law enforcement officers,

friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).

 

Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser’s weapon.

 

Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the

first transgression.

 

Abuse of Information

 

From the first moments of an encounter with another person, the

narcissist is on the prowl. He collects information with the intention

of applying it later to extract Narcissistic Supply. The more he knows

about his potential Source of Supply - the better able he is to coerce,

manipulate, charm, extort or convert it “to the cause”. The narcissist

does not hesitate to abuse the information he gleaned, regardless of

its intimate nature or the circumstances in which he obtained it. This

is a powerful tool in his armoury.

 

What to do?

 

Be guarded. Don’t be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting.

Gather intelligence.

 

Be yourself. Don’t misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences,

priorities, and red lines.

 

Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm and

resolute.

 

Impossible Situations

 

The narcissist engineers impossible, dangerous, unpredictable,

unprecedented, or highly specific situations in which he is sorely and

indispensably needed. The narcissist, his knowledge, his skills or his

traits become the only ones applicable, or the most useful to coping

with these artificial predicaments. It is a form of control by proxy.

 

What to do?

 

Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion,

no matter how innocuous.

 

Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and

appraised of your situation.

 

Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible and suggestible. Better

safe than sorry.

 

Control by Proxy

 

If all else fails, the narcissist recruits friends, colleagues, mates,

family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, or the media

- in short, third parties - to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole,

coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass,

communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these

unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey.

He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props

unceremoniously when the job is done.

 

Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which

abuse is inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted

scenarios involve embarrassment and humiliation as well as social

sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, or even physical punishment).

Society, or a social group become the instruments of the narcissist.

 

What to do?

 

Often the abuser’s proxies re unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform

them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain

used by the abuser.

 

Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it

into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse.

 

Ambient Abuse

 

The fostering, propagation and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear,

intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There are

no acts of traceable or provable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative

settings of control. Yet, the irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable

foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen. This is sometimes called

“gaslighting”. In the long-term, such an environment erodes one’s sense

of self-worth and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often,

the victims go a paranoid or schizoid and thus are exposed even more to

criticism and judgement. The roles are thus reversed: the victim is

considered mentally disordered and the narcissist - the suffering soul.

 

What to do?

 

Run! Get away! Ambient abuse often develops to overt and violent abuse.

 

You don’t owe anyone an explanation - but you owe yourself a life. Bail

out.

 

The Malignant Optimism of the Abused

 

I often come across sad examples of the powers of self-delusion that

the narcissist provokes in his victims. It is what I call “malignant

optimism”. People refuse to believe that some questions are unsolvable,

some diseases incurable, some disasters inevitable. They see a sign of

hope in every fluctuation. They read meaning and patterns into every

random occurrence, utterance, or slip. They are deceived by their own

pressing need to believe in the ultimate victory of good over evil,

health over sickness, order over disorder. Life appears otherwise so

meaningless, so unjust and so arbitrary…

 

So, they impose upon it a design, progress, aims, and paths. This is

magical thinking.

 

“If only he tried hard enough”, “If he only really wanted to heal”, “If

only we found the right therapy”, “If only his defences were down”,

“There MUST be something good and worthy under the hideous facade”, “NO

ONE can be that evil and destructive”, “He must have meant it

differently”, “God, or a higher being, or the spirit, or the soul is

the solution and the answer to our prayers”.

 

The Pollyanna defences of the abused against the emerging and horrible

understanding that humans are specks of dust in a totally indifferent

universe, the playthings of evil and sadistic forces, of which the

narcissist is one. And that finally their pain means nothing to anyone

but themselves. Nothing whatsoever. It has all been in vain.

 

The narcissist holds such thinking in barely undisguised contempt. To

him, it is a sign of weakness, the scent of prey, a gaping

vulnerability. He uses and abuses this human need for order, good, and

meaning - as he uses and abuses all other human needs. Gullibility,

selective blindness, malignant optimism - these are the weapons of the

beast. And the abused are hard at work to provide it with its arsenal.

 

THE AUTHOR

 

Shmuel (Sam) Vaknin

 

Curriculum Vitae

 

Born in 1961 in Qiryat-Yam, Israel.

 

Served in the Israeli Defence Force (1979-1982) in training and

education units.

 

Education

 

Graduated a few semesters in the Technion - Israel Institute of

Technology, Haifa.

 

Ph.D. in Philosophy (major: Philosophy of Physics) - Pacific Western

University, California, USA.

 

Graduate of numerous courses in Finance Theory and International

Trading.

 

Certified E-Commerce Concepts Analyst.

 

Certified in Psychological Counselling Techniques.

 

Full proficiency in Hebrew and in English.

 

Business Experience

 

1980 to 1983

 

Founder and co-owner of a chain of computerised information kiosks in

Tel-Aviv, Israel.

 

1982 to 1985

 

Senior positions with the Nessim D. Gaon Group of Companies in Geneva,

Paris and New-York (NOGA and APROFIM SA):

 

- Chief Analyst of Edible Commodities in the Group’s Headquarters in

Switzerland

 

- Manager of the Research and Analysis Division

 

- Manager of the Data Processing Division

 

- Project Manager of the Nigerian Computerised Census

 

- Vice President in charge of RND and Advanced Technologies

 

- Vice President in charge of Sovereign Debt Financing

 

1985 to 1986

 

Represented Canadian Venture Capital Funds in Israel.

 

1986 to 1987

 

General Manager of IPE Ltd. in London. The firm financed international

multi-lateral counter-trade and leasing transactions.

 

1988 to 1990

 

Co-founder and Director of “Mikbats-Tesuah”, a portfolio management

firm based in Tel-Aviv.

 

Activities included large-scale portfolio management, underwriting,

forex trading and general financial advisory services.

 

1990 to Present

 

Freelance consultant to many of Israel’s Blue-Chip firms, mainly on

issues related to the capital markets in Israel, Canada, the UK and the

USA.

 

Consultant to foreign RND ventures and to Governments on macro-economic

matters.

 

President of the Israel chapter of the Professors World Peace Academy

(PWPA) and (briefly) Israel representative of the “Washington Times”.

 

1993 to 1994

 

Co-owner and Director of many business enterprises:

 

- The Omega and Energy Air-Conditioning Concern

 

- AVP Financial Consultants

 

- Handiman Legal Services - Total annual turnover of the group: 10

million USD.

 

Co-owner, Director and Finance Manager of COSTI Ltd. - Israel’s largest

computerised information vendor and developer. Raised funds through a

series of private placements locally, in the USA, Canada and London.

 

1993 to 1996

 

Publisher and Editor of a Capital Markets Newsletter distributed by

subscription only to dozens of subscribers countrywide.

 

In a legal precedent in 1995 - studied in business schools and law

faculties across Israel - was tried for his role in an attempted

take-over of Israel’s Agriculture Bank.

 

Was interned in the State School of Prison Wardens.

 

Managed the Central School Library, wrote, published and lectured on

various occasions.

 

Managed the Internet and International News Department of an Israeli

mass media group, “Ha-Tikshoret and Namer”.

 

Assistant in the Law Faculty in Tel-Aviv University (to Prof. S.G.

Shoham).

 

1996 to 1999

 

Financial consultant to leading businesses in Macedonia, Russia and the

Czech Republic. Collaborated with the Agency of Transformation of

Business with Social Capital.

 

Economic commentator in “Nova Makedonija”, “Dnevnik”, “Makedonija

Denes”, “Izvestia”, “Argumenti i Fakti”, “The Middle East Times”, “The

New Presence”, “Central Europe Review” and other periodicals, and in

the economic programs on various channels of Macedonian Television.

 

Chief Lecturer in courses organised by the Agency of Transformation, by

the Macedonian Stock Exchange and Ministry of Trade.

 

1999 to 2002

 

Economic Advisor to the Government of the Republic of Macedonia and to

the Ministry of Finance.

 

2001 to Present

 

Senior Business Correspondent for United Press International (UPI).

 

Web and Journalistic Activities:

 

Author of extensive Web sites in:

 

- Psychology (“Malignant Self-Love”) - An Open Directory Cool Site

 

- Philosophy (“Philosophical Musings”)

 

- Economics and Geopolitics (“World in Conflict and Transition”).

 

Owner of the Narcissistic Abuse Announcement and Study List and the

Narcissism Revisited mailing list (more than 3900 members).

 

Owner of the Economies in Conflict and Transition Study List.

 

Editor of mental health disorders and Central and Eastern Europe

categories in Web directories (Open Directory, Suite 101, Search

Europe).

 

Columnist and commentator in “The New Presence”, United Press

International (UPI), InternetContent, eBookWeb, PopMatters, and

“Central Europe Review”.

 

Publications and Awards

 

“Managing Investment Portfolios in States of Uncertainty”, Limon

Publishers, Tel Aviv, 1988

 

“The Gambling Industry”, Limon Publishers, Tel Aviv, 1990

 

“Requesting my Loved One - Short Stories”, Yedioth Aharonot, Tel Aviv,

1997

 

“The Suffering of Being Kafka” (electronic book of Hebrew Short

Fiction), 1998

 

“The Macedonian Economy at a Crossroads - On the Way to a Healthier

Economy”, (Dialogues with Mr. Nikola Gruevski), Skopje, 1998

 

“The Exporters’ Pocketbook”, Ministry of Trade, Republic of Macedonia,

Skopje, 1999

 

“Malignant Self-Love - Narcissism Revisited”, Narcissus Publications,

Prague and Skopje, 1999, 2001, 2003

 

The Narcissism Series - e-books regarding relationships with abusive

narcissists, Skopje, 1999-2002

 

“After the Rain - How the West Lost the East”, Narcissus Publications

in association with Central Europe Review / CEENMI, Prague and Skopje,

2000

 

Winner of numerous