Malignant Self Love, Samuel Vaknin [reading tree txt] 📗

Where the narcissist exhibits grandiosity, the invert is

intensely uncomfortable with personal praise, and wishes to always

divert praise away from himself onto his narcissist. This is why the IN

can only truly FEEL anything when he is in relationship with another

narcissist. The IN is conditioned and programmed from the very

beginning to be the perfect companion to the narcissist. To feed their

Ego, to be purely their extension, to seek only praise and adulation if

it brings greater praise and adulation to the narcissist.

 

The Inverted Narcissist’s Survival Guide

 

_ Listen attentively to everything the narcissist says and agree

with it all.

 

Don’t believe a word of it but let it slide as if everything is just

fine, business as usual.

 

_ Offer something absolutely unique to the narcissist which they

cannot obtain anywhere else.

 

Also be prepared to line up future Sources of Primary NS for your

narcissist because you will not be IT for very long, if at all. If you

take over the procuring function for the narcissist, they become that

much more dependent on you which makes it a bit tougher for them to

pull their haughty stuff - an inevitability, in any case.

 

_ Be endlessly patient and go way out of your way to be

accommodating, thus keeping the Narcissistic Supply flowing liberally,

and keeping the peace (relatively speaking).

 

_ Get tremendous personal satisfaction out of endlessly giving.

This one may not be attractive to you, but it is a take it or leave it

proposition.

 

_ Be absolutely emotionally and financially independent of the

narcissist. Take what you need: the excitement and engulfment (i.e.,

NS) and refuse to get upset or hurt when the narcissist does or says

something dumb. Yelling back works really well but should be reserved

for special occasions when you fear your narcissist may be on the verge

of leaving you; the silent treatment is better as an ordinary response,

but it must be devoid of emotional content, more with the air of

boredom and “I’ll talk to you later, when I am good and ready, and when

you are behaving in a more reasonable fashion.”

 

_ If your narcissist is cerebral and NOT interested in having

much sex - then give yourself ample permission to have sex with other

people. Your cerebral narcissist will not be indifferent to infidelity

so discretion and secrecy is of paramount importance.

 

_ If your narcissist is somatic and you don’t mind, join in on

endlessly interesting group sex encounters but make sure that you

choose properly for your narcissist. They are heedless and very

undiscriminating in respect of sexual partners and that can get very

problematic (STDs and blackmail come to mind).

 

_ If you are a “fixer” which most inverted narcissists are, then

focus on fixing situations, preferably before they become “situations”.

Don’t for one moment delude yourself that you can FIX the narcissist -

it simply will not happen. Not because they are being stubborn - they

just simply can’t be fixed.

 

_ If there is any fixing that can be done, it is to help your

narcissist become aware of their condition, and this is VERY IMPORTANT,

with no negative implications or accusations in the process at all.

 

It is like living with a physically handicapped person and being able

to discuss, calmly, unemotionally, what the limitations and benefits of

the handicap are and how the two of you can work with these factors,

rather than trying to change them.

 

_ FINALLY, and most important of all for the inverted narcissist:

KNOW YOURSELF.

 

What are you getting from the relationship? Are you actually a

masochist?

 

Why is this relationship attractive and interesting?

 

Define for yourself what good and beneficial things you believe you are

receiving in this relationship. Define the things that you find harmful

TO YOU. Develop strategies to minimise the harm to yourself.

 

Don’t expect that you will cognitively be able to reason with the

narcissist to change who they are. You may have some limited success in

getting your narcissist to tone down on the really harmful behaviours

THAT AFFECT YOU, which emanate from the unchangeable WHAT the

narcissist is. This can only be accomplished in a very trusting, frank

and open relationship.

 

We firmly believe that it is only the inverted narcissist who can have

a reasonably good, long lasting relationship with the narcissist. You

must be prepared to give your narcissist a LOT of space and leeway.

 

You don’t really exist for them as a fully realised person - no one

does. They are not fully realised people so they cannot possibly have

the skills, no matter how smart or sexy, to be a complete person in the

sense that most adults are complete.

 

Somatic versus Cerebral Inverted Narcissists (IN)

 

The inverted narcissist is really an erstwhile narcissist internalised

by the IN. Inevitably, we are likely to find among the inverted the

same propensities, predilections, preferences and inclinations as we do

among proper narcissists.

 

The cerebral IN is an IN whose source of vicarious Primary Narcissistic

Supply lies - through the medium and mediation of a narcissist - in the

exercise of his intellectual faculties. A somatic IN would tend to make

use of his body, sex, shape or health in trying to secure NS for “his”

narcissist.

 

The inverted narcissist feeds on the primary narcissist and this is his

Narcissistic Supply. So these two typologies can, in essence become a

self-supporting, symbiotic system. In reality though, both the

narcissist and the inverted narcissist need to be quite well aware of

the dynamics of this relationship in order to make this work as a

successful long-term arrangement. It might well be that this symbiosis

would only work between a cerebral narcissist and a cerebral invert.

The somatic narcissist’s capricious sexual dalliances would be far too

threatening to the equanimity of the cerebral invert for there to be

much chance of this succeeding, even for a short time.

 

It would seem that only opposing types of narcissists can get along

when two classic narcissists are involved in a couple. It follows,

syllogistically, that only identical types of narcissist and inverted

narcissist can survive in a couple. In other words: the best, most

enduring couples of narcissist and his inverted narcissist mate would

involve a somatic narcissist and a somatic IN - or a cerebral

narcissist and a cerebral IN.

 

Coping with Narcissists and Non-Narcissists

 

The inverted narcissist is a person who grew up enthralled by the

narcissistic parent. This parent engulfed and subsumed the child’s

being to such an overbearing extent that the child’s personality was

irrevocably shaped by this engulfment, damaged beyond hope of repair.

The child was not even able to develop defence mechanisms such as

narcissism.

 

The end result is an inverted narcissistic personality. The traits of

this personality are primarily evident in relationship contexts. The

child was conditioned by the narcissistic parent to only be entitled to

feel whole, useful, productive, complete when the child augmented or

mirrored to the parent their own sought after narcissistic image. As a

result the child is shaped by this engulfment and cannot feel complete

in any significant adult relationship unless they are with a narcissist.

 

The Inverted Narcissist in

 

Relationship with the Narcissist

 

The inverted narcissist is drawn to significant relationships with

other narcissists in his adulthood. These relationships are usually

spousal primary relationships but can also be friendships with

narcissists outside of the primary love relationship.

 

In a primary relationship, the inverted narcissist attempts to

recreate the parent-child relationship.

 

The invert thrives on mirroring to the narcissist his own grandiosity

and in so doing the invert obtains his OWN Narcissistic Supply (the

dependence of the narcissist upon the invert for their Secondary

Narcissistic Supply). The invert must have this form of relationship

with a narcissist in order to feel complete and whole. The invert will

go as far as he needs to ensure that the narcissist is happy, cared

for, properly adored, as he feels is the narcissist’s right. The invert

glorifies his narcissist, places him on a pedestal, endures any and all

narcissistic devaluation with calm equanimity, impervious to the overt

slights of the narcissist.

 

Narcissistic rage is handled deftly by the inverted narcissist. The

invert is exceedingly adept at managing every aspect of his life,

tightly controlling all situations, so as to minimise the potential for

the inevitable narcissistic rages of his narcissist.

 

The invert wishes to be subsumed by the narcissist. The invert only

feels truly loved and alive in this kind of relationship. The invert is

loth to abandon his relationships with narcissists. The relationship

only ends when the narcissist withdraws completely from the symbiosis.

Once the narcissist has determined that the invert is of no further

use, and withholds all Narcissistic Supply from the invert, only then

does the invert reluctantly move on to another relationship. The invert

is most likely to equate sexual intimacy with engulfment. This can be

easily misread to mean that the invert is himself or herself a somatic

narcissist, but it would be incorrect. The invert can endure years of

minimal sexual contact with their narcissist and still be able to

maintain the self-delusion of intimacy and engulfment. The invert finds

a myriad of other ways to “merge” with the narcissist, becoming

intimately, though only in support roles, involved with the

narcissist’s business, career, or any other activity where the invert

can feel that they are needed by the narcissist and indispensable. The

invert is an expert at doling out Narcissistic Supply and even goes as

far as procuring Primary Narcissistic Supply for their narcissist (even

where this means finding another lover for the narcissist, or

participating in group sex with the narcissist). Usually though, the

invert seems most attracted to the cerebral narcissist and finds him

easier to manage than the somatic narcissist. The cerebral narcissist

is disinterested in sex and this makes life considerably easier for the

invert, i.e., the invert is less likely to “lose” their cerebral

narcissist to another primary partner. A somatic narcissist may be

prone to changing partners with greater frequency or wish to have no

partner, preferring to have multiple, casual sexual relationships of no

apparent depth which never last very long.

 

The invert regards relationships with narcissists as the ONLY true and

legitimate form of primary relationship. The invert is capable of

having primary relationships with non-narcissists. But without

engulfment, the invert feels unneeded, unwanted and emotionally

uninvolved.

 

Relationships between the

 

Inverted Narcissist and Non-Narcissists

 

The inverted narcissist can maintain relationships outside of the

symbiotic primary relationship with a narcissist. But the invert does

not “feel” loved because the non-narcissist is not “engulfing” them.

Thus, the invert tends to devalue their non-narcissistic primary

partner as less than worthy of the inverts’ love and attention.

 

The invert may be able to sustain a relationship with a non-narcissist

by finding other narcissistic symbiotic relationships outside of this

primary relationship. The invert may have a narcissistic friend, to

whom he pays extraordinary attention, ignoring the real needs of the

non-narcissistic partner.

 

Consequently, the only semi-stable primary relationship between the

invert and the non-narcissist occurs where the non-narcissist is very

easy going, emotionally secure and not needing much from the invert at

all by way of time, energy or commitment to activities requiring the

involvement of both parties. In a relationship with this kind of

narcissist, the invert may become a workaholic or very involved in

outside activities that exclude the non-narcissist spouse.

 

It appears that the inverted narcissist in a relationship with a

non-narcissist is behaviourally indistinguishable from a true

narcissist. The only important exception is that the invert does not

rage at his non-narcissist partner - he instead withdraws from the

relationship even