Malignant Self Love, Samuel Vaknin [reading tree txt] 📗
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possessing others, he purifies himself, cathartically, and exorcises
his demented self.
This accomplished, he acts almost with remorse. An episode of extreme
abuse is followed by an act of great care and by mellifluous apologies.
The narcissistic pendulum swings between the extremes of torturing
others and empathically soothing the resulting pain. This incongruous
behaviour, these “sudden” shifts between sadism and altruism, abuse and
“love”, ignoring and caring, abandoning and clinging, viciousness and
remorse, the harsh and the tender - are, perhaps, the most difficult to
comprehend and to accept. These swings produce in people around the
narcissist emotional insecurity, an eroded sense of self-worth, fear,
stress, and anxiety (“walking on eggshells”). Gradually, emotional
paralysis ensues and they come to occupy the same emotional wasteland
inhabited by the narcissist, his prisoners and hostages in more ways
than one - and even when he is long out of their life.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 39
To Age with Grace
“The permanent temptation of life is to confuse dreams with reality.
Then permanent defeat of life comes when dreams are surrendered to
reality.”
James Michener, Author
The narcissist ages without mercy and without grace. His withered body
and his overwrought mind betray him all at once. He stares with
incredulity and rage at cruel mirrors. He refuses to accept his growing
fallibility. He rebels against his decrepitude and mediocrity.
Accustomed to being awe-inspiring and the recipient of adulation - the
narcissist cannot countenance his social isolation and the pathetic
figure that he cuts.
As a child prodigy, a sex symbol, a stud, a public intellectual, an
actor, an idol - the narcissist was at the centre of attention, the eye
of his personal twister, a black hole which sucked people’s energy and
resources dry and spat out with indifference their mutilated carcasses.
No longer. With old age comes disillusionment. Old charms wear thin.
Having been exposed for what he is - a deceitful, treacherous,
malignant egotist - the narcissist’s old tricks now fail him. People
are on their guard, their gullibility reduced. The narcissist - being
the rigid, precariously balanced structure that he is - can’t change.
He reverts to old forms, re-adopts hoary habits, succumbs to erstwhile
temptations. He is made a mockery by his accentuated denial of reality,
by his obdurate refusal to grow up, an eternal, malformed child in the
sagging body of a decaying man.
It is the fable of the grasshopper and the ant revisited.
The narcissist - the grasshopper - having relied on supercilious
stratagems throughout his life - is singularly ill-adapted to life’s
rigors and tribulations. He feels entitled - but fails to elicit
Narcissistic Supply. Wrinkled time makes child prodigies lose their
magic, lovers exhaust their potency, philanderers waste their allure,
and geniuses miss their touch. The longer the narcissist lives - the
more average he becomes. The wider the gulf between his pretensions and
his accomplishments - the more he is the object of derision and
contempt.
Yet, few narcissists save for rainy days. Few bother to study a trade,
or get a degree, pursue a career, maintain a business, keep their jobs,
or raise functioning families, nurture their friendships, or broaden
their horizons. Narcissists are perennially ill-prepared. Those who
succeed in their vocation, end up bitterly alone having squandered the
love of spouse, offspring, and mates. The more gregarious and
family-orientated - often flunk at work, leap from one job to another,
relocate erratically, forever itinerant and peripatetic.
The contrast between his youth and prime and his dilapidated present
constitutes a permanent narcissistic injury. The narcissist retreats
deeper into himself to find solace. He withdraws into the penumbral
universe of his grandiose fantasies. There - almost psychotic - he
salves his wounds and comforts himself with trophies of his past.
A rare minority of narcissists accept their fate with fatalism or good
humour. These precious few are healed mysteriously by the deepest
offence to their megalomania - old age. They lose their narcissism and
confront the outer world with the poise and composure that they lacked
when they were captives of their own, distorted, narrative.
Such changed narcissists develop new, more realistic, expectations and
hopes - commensurate with their talents, skills, accomplishments and
education. Ironically, it is invariably too late. They are avoided and
ignored, rendered transparent by their checkered past. They are passed
over for promotion, never invited to professional or social gatherings,
cold-shouldered by the media. They are snubbed and disregarded. They
are never the recipients of perks, benefits, or awards. They are blamed
when not blameworthy and rarely praised when deserving. They are being
constantly and consistently punished for who they were. It is poetic
justice in more than one way. They are being treated narcissistically
by their erstwhile victims.
They finally are tasting their own medicine, the bitter harvest of
their wrath and arrogance.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 49
The Inverted Narcissist
With contributions by: Alice Ratzlaff (*) and
The members of the Narcissism List
THE CLINICAL PICTURE AND DEVELOPMENTAL ROOTS -
OPENING REMARKS
Terminology
Codependents
People who depend on other people for their emotional gratification and
the performance of Ego or daily functions. They are needy, demanding,
submissive. They fear abandonment, cling and display immature
behaviours in their effort to maintain the “relationship” with their
companion or mate upon whom they depend. No matter what abuse is
inflicted upon them - they remain in the relationship.
See also the definition of the Dependent Personality Disorder in the
DSM-IV-TR.
Inverted Narcissist
Previously called “covert narcissist”, this is a codependent who
depends exclusively on narcissists (narcissist-co-dependent). If you
live with a narcissist, have a relationship with one, are married to
one, work with a narcissist, etc. - it does NOT mean that you are an
inverted narcissist.
To “qualify” as an inverted narcissist - you must CRAVE to be in a
relationship with a narcissist, regardless of any abuse inflicted on
you by him/her.
You must ACTIVELY seek relationships with narcissists - and ONLY with
narcissists - no matter what your (bitter and traumatic) past
experience has been. You must feel EMPTY and UNHAPPY in relationships
with ANY OTHER kind of person. Only THEN - AND if you satisfy the other
diagnostic criteria of a Dependent Personality Disorder - can you be
safely labelled an “inverted narcissist”.
IntroductionThe DSM-IV-TR uses 9 criteria to define the NPD. It is sufficient to
possess 5 of them to “qualify” as a narcissist. Thus, theoretically, it
is possible to be NPD WITHOUT being grandiose. Many researchers
(Alexander Lowen, Jeffrey Satinover, Theodore Millon and others)
suggested a “taxonomy” of pathological narcissism. They divided
narcissists to sub-groups (very much as I did with my somatic versus
cerebral narcissist dichotomy). Lowen, for instance, talks about the
“phallic” narcissist versus others. Satinover and Millon make a very
important distinction between narcissists who were raised by abusive
parents - and those who were raised by doting and smothering or
domineering mothers.
Glenn O. Gabbard in “Psychodynamic Psychiatry in Clinical Practice”
[The DSM-IV-TR Edition. Comments on Cluster B Personality Disorders -
Narcissistic. American Psychiatric Press, Inc., 2000] we find this:
“…what definitive criteria can be used to differentiate healthy from
pathological narcissism? The time honoured criteria of psychological
health - to love and to work - are only partly useful in answering this
question.”
“An individual’s work history may provide little help in making the
distinction. Highly disturbed narcissistic individuals may find
extraordinary success in certain professions, such as big business, the
arts, politics, the entertainment industry, athletics and televangelism
field. In some cases, however, narcissistic pathology may be reflected
in a superficial quality to one’s professional interests, as though
achievement in and acclaim are more important than mastery of the field
itself.
Pathological forms of narcissism are more easily identified by the
quality of the individual’s relationships.
One tragedy affecting these people is their inability to love. Healthy
interpersonal relationships can be recognised by qualities such as
empathy and concern for the feelings of others, a genuine interest in
the ideas of others, the ability to tolerate ambivalence in long-term
relationships without giving up, and a capacity to acknowledge one’s
own contribution to interpersonal conflicts. People who are
characterised by these qualities may at times use others to gratify
their own needs, but the tendency occurs in the broader context of
sensitive interpersonal relatedness rather than as a pervasive style of
dealing with other people. One the other hand, the person with a
Narcissistic Personality Disorder approaches people as objects to be
used up and discarded according to his or her needs, without regard for
their feelings.
People are not viewed as having a separate existence or as having needs
of their own. The individual with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder
frequently ends a relationship after a short time, usually when the
other person begins to make demands stemming from for his or her own
needs. Most importantly, such relationships clearly do not ‘work’ in
terms of the narcissist’s ability to maintain his or her own sense of
self-esteem.”
“…These criteria [the DSM-IV-TR’s - SV] identify a certain kind of
narcissistic patient - specifically, the arrogant, boastful, ‘noisy’
individual who demands to be in the spotlight. However, they fail to
characterise the shy, quietly grandiose, narcissistic individual whose
extreme sensitivity to slights leads to an assiduous avoidance of the
spotlight.”
The DSM-III-R alluded to at least TWO TYPES of narcissists, but the
DSM-IV-TR committee chose to delete this: “…included criterion,
‘reacts to criticism with feelings of rage, shame, or humiliation (even
not if expressed)’ due to lack of ‘specificity’.”
Other theoreticians, clinicians and researchers similarly suggested a
division between “the oblivious narcissist” (a.k.a. overt) and “the
hypervigilant narcissist” (a.k.a. covert).
The Compensatory versus the Classic Narcissist
Another interesting distinction, suggested by Dave Kelly in his
excellent PTYPES Web site [http://www.ptypes.com] is between the
Compensatory Type NPD and the Classic NPD (DSM-IV-TR type).
Here are the Compensatory NPD criteria according to Dave Kelly:
“Personality Types proposes Compensatory Narcissistic Personality
Disorder as a pervasive pattern of unstable, covert narcissistic
behaviours that derive from an underlying sense of insecurity and
weakness rather than from genuine feelings of self-confidence and high
self-esteem, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of
contexts, as indicated by six (or more) of the criteria below.
The basic trait of the Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Type is a
pattern of overtly narcissistic behaviours (that) derive from an
underlying sense of insecurity and weakness, rather than from genuine
feelings of self-confidence and high self-esteem.”
The Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Type:
_ Seeks to create an illusion of superiority and to build up an
image of high self-worth [Millon];
_ Strives for recognition and prestige to compensate for the lack
of a feeling of self-worth;
_ May “acquire a deprecatory attitude in which the achievements
of others are ridiculed and degraded” [Millon];
_ Has persistent aspirations for glory and status [Millon];
_ Has a tendency to exaggerate and boast [Millon];
_ Is sensitive to how others react to him, watches and listens
carefully for critical judgement, and feels slighted by disapproval
[Millon];
_ “Is prone to feel shamed and humiliated and especially
(anxious) and vulnerable to the judgements of others” [Millon];
_ Covers up a sense of inadequacy and deficiency with
pseudo-arrogance and pseudo-grandiosity [Millon];
_ Has a tendency to periodic hypochondria [Forman];
_ Alternates between feelings of emptiness and deadness and
states of excitement and excess energy [Forman];
_ Entertains fantasies of greatness, constantly striving for
perfection, genius, or stardom [Forman];
_ Has a history of searching for an idealised partner and has an
intense need for affirmation and confirmation
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