Malignant Self Love, Samuel Vaknin [reading tree txt] 📗

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narcissist is, therefore, fearless in a manner perceived by others to

be both admirable and insane. He attributes to himself divine and

cosmic immunity - he cloaks myself in it, it renders him invisible to

his enemies and to the powers of “evil”. It is a childish

phantasmagoria - but to the narcissist it is very real.

 

The narcissist knows with religious certainty that good things will

happen to him. With equal certitude, the more self-aware of them know

that they will squander their good fortune time and again in a

bedevilled effort to defeat themselves.

 

So, no matter what serendipity, what lucky circumstance, what blessing

the narcissist receives - he always strives with blind fury to deflect

them, to deform and to ruin.

 

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 16

 

The Delusional Way Out

 

Question: When my husband goes through a bad spot, he shuts himself in

his den all day long, doesn’t talk to anyone, just surfs the Web. Is

this typical? Should I be worried?

 

Answer: The study of narcissism is a century old and the two scholarly

debates central to its conception are still undecided. Is there such a

thing as HEALTHY adult narcissism (Kohut) - or are all the

manifestations of narcissism in adulthood pathological (Freud,

Kernberg)? Moreover, is pathological narcissism the outcome of verbal,

sexual, physical, or psychological abuse (the overwhelming view) - or,

on the contrary, the sad result of spoiling the child and idolizing it

(Millon, the late Freud)?

 

The second debate is easier to resolve if one agrees to adopt a more

comprehensive definition of “abuse”. Overweening, smothering, spoiling,

overvaluing, and idolizing the child - are all forms of parental abuse.

 

This is because, as Horney pointed out, the child is dehumanized and

instrumentalized. His parents love him not for what he really is - but

for what they wish and imagine him to be: the fulfilment of their

dreams and frustrated wishes. The child becomes the vessel of his

parents’ discontented lives, a tool, the magic brush with which they

can transform their failures into successes, their humiliation into

victory, their frustrations into happiness. The child is taught to

ignore reality and to occupy the parental fantastic space. Such an

unfortunate child feels omnipotent and omniscient, perfect and

brilliant, worthy of adoration and entitled to special treatment.

 

The faculties that are honed by constantly brushing against bruising

reality - empathy, compassion, a realistic assessment of one’s

abilities and limitations, realistic expectations of oneself and of

others, personal boundaries, team work, social skills, perseverance and

goal-orientation, not to mention the ability to postpone gratification

and to work hard to achieve it - are all lacking or missing altogether.

The child turned adult sees no reason to invest in his skills and

education, convinced that his inherent genius should suffice. He feels

entitled for merely being, rather than for actually doing (rather as

the nobility in days gone by felt entitled not by virtue of its merit

but as the inevitable, foreordained outcome of its birth right). In

other words, he is not meritocratic - but aristocratic. In short: a

narcissist is born.

 

But such a mental structure is brittle, susceptible to criticism and

disagreement, vulnerable to the incessant encounter with a harsh and

intolerant world. Deep inside, narcissists of both kinds (those wrought

by “classic” abuse and those yielded by being idolized) - feel

inadequate, phoney, fake, inferior, and deserving of punishment. This

is Millon’s mistake. He makes a distinction between several types of

narcissists. He wrongly assumes that the “classic” narcissist is the

outcome of overvaluation, idolization, and spoiling and, thus, is

possessed of supreme, unchallenged, self-confidence, and is devoid of

all self-doubt. According to Millon, it is the “compensatory”

narcissist that falls prey to nagging self-doubts, feelings of

inferiority, and a masochistic desire for self-punishment. Yet, the

distinction is both wrong and unnecessary. There is only ONE type of

narcissist - though there are TWO developmental paths to it. And ALL

narcissists are besieged by deeply ingrained (though at times not

conscious) feelings of inadequacy, fears of failure, masochistic

desires to be penalized, a fluctuating sense of self-worth (regulated

by Narcissistic Supply), and an overwhelming sensation of fakeness.

 

The Grandiosity Gap (between a fantastically grandiose - and unlimited

- self-image and actual - limited - accomplishments and achievements)

is grating. Its recurrence threatens the precariously balanced house of

cards that is the narcissistic personality. The narcissist finds, to

his chagrin, that people out there are much less admiring,

accommodating and accepting than his parents. As he grows old, the

narcissist often becomes the target of constant derision and mockery, a

sorry sight indeed. His claims for superiority appear less plausible

and substantial the more and the longer he makes them.

 

The narcissist then resorts to self-delusion. Unable to completely

ignore contrarian opinion and data - he transmutes them. Unable to face

the dismal failure that he is, the narcissist partially withdraws from

reality. To soothe and salve the pain of disillusionment, he

administers to his aching soul a mixture of lies, distortions,

half-truths and outlandish interpretations of events around him. These

solutions can be classified thus:

 

The Delusional Narrative Solutions

 

The narcissist constructs a narrative in which he figures as the hero -

brilliant, perfect, irresistibly handsome, destined for great things,

entitled, powerful, wealthy, the centre of attention, etc. The bigger

the strain on this delusional charade - the greater the gap between

fantasy and reality - the more the delusion coalesces and solidifies.

 

Finally, if it is sufficiently protracted, it replaces reality and the

narcissist’s reality test deteriorates. He withdraws his bridges and

may become Schizotypal, catatonic, or schizoid.

 

The Reality Renouncing Solutions

 

The narcissist renounces reality. To his mind, those who

pusillanimously fail to recognize his unbound talents, innate

superiority, overarching brilliance, benevolent nature, entitlement,

cosmically important mission, perfection, etc. - do not deserve

consideration. The narcissist’s natural affinity with the criminal -

his lack of empathy and compassion, his deficient social skills, his

disregard for social laws and morals - now erupts and blossoms. He

becomes a full fledged antisocial (sociopath or psychopath). He ignores

the wishes and needs of others, he breaks the law, he violates all

rights - natural and legal, he hold people in contempt and disdain, he

derides society and its codes, he punishes the ignorant ingrates -

that, to his mind, drove him to this state - by acting criminally and

by jeopardising their safety, lives, or property.

 

The Paranoid Schizoid Solution

 

The narcissist develops persecutory delusions. He perceives slights and

insults where none were intended. He becomes subject to ideas of

reference (people are gossiping about him, mocking him, prying into his

affairs, cracking his e-mail, etc.). He is convinced that he is the

centre of malign and mal-intentioned attention.

 

People are conspiring to humiliate him, punish him, abscond with his

property, delude him, impoverish him, confine him physically or

intellectually, censor him, impose on his time, force him to action (or

to inaction), frighten him, coerce him, surround and besiege him,

change his mind, part with his values, even murder him, and so on.

 

Some narcissists withdraw completely from a world populated with such

minacious and ominous objects (really projections of internal objects

and processes). They avoid all social contact, except the most

necessary. They refrain from meeting people, falling in love, having

sex, talking to others, or even corresponding with them. In short: they

become schizoids - not out of social shyness, but out of what they feel

to be their choice. “The world does not deserve me” - goes the inner

refrain - “and I shall waste none of my time and resources on it”.

 

The Paranoid Aggressive (Explosive) Solution

 

Other narcissists who develop persecutory delusions, resort to an

aggressive stance, a more violent resolution of their internal

conflict. They become verbally, psychologically, situationally (and,

very rarely, physically) abusive. They insult, castigate, chastise,

berate, demean, and deride their nearest and dearest (often well

wishers and loved ones). They explode in unprovoked displays of

indignation, righteousness, condemnation, and blame. Theirs is an

exegetic Bedlam. They interpret everything - even the most innocuous,

inadvertent, and innocent - as designed to provoke and humiliate them.

They sow fear, revulsion, hate, and malignant envy. They flail against

the windmills of reality - a pathetic, forlorn, sight. But often they

cause real and lasting damage - fortunately, mainly to themselves.

 

Grandiosity and Intimacy - The Roots of Paranoia

 

Paranoid ideation - the narcissist’s deep-rooted conviction that he is

being persecuted by his inferiors, detractors, or powerful ill-wishers

- serves two psychodynamic purposes. It upholds the narcissist’s

grandiosity and it fends off intimacy.

 

Grandiosity Enhancing Paranoia

 

Being the target of relentless, ubiquitous, and unjust persecution

proves to the paranoid narcissist how important and feared he is. Being

hounded by the mighty and the privileged validates his pivotal role in

the scheme of things.

 

Only vital, weighty, crucial, essential principals are thus bullied and

intimidated, followed and harassed, stalked and intruded upon - goes

his unconscious inner dialog. The narcissist consistently baits

authority figures into punishing him and thus into upholding his

delusional self-image as worthy of their attention. This provocative

behaviour is called “projective identification”. The paranoid delusions

of the narcissist are always grandiose, “cosmic”, or “historical”. His

pursuers are influential and formidable. They are after his unique

possessions, out to exploit his expertise and special traits, or to

force him to abstain and refrain from certain actions. The narcissist

feels that he is at the centre of intrigues and conspiracies of

colossal magnitudes.

 

Alternatively, the narcissist feels victimised by mediocre bureaucrats

and intellectual dwarves who consistently fail to appreciate his

outstanding - really, unparalleled - talents, skills, and

accomplishments. Being haunted by his challenged inferiors

substantiates the narcissist’s comparative superiority. Driven by

pathological envy, these pygmies collude to defraud him, badger him,

deny him his due, denigrate, isolate, and ignore him.

 

The narcissist projects onto this second class of lesser persecutors

his own deleterious emotions and transformed aggression: hatred, rage,

and seething jealousy.

 

The narcissist’s paranoid streak is likeliest to erupt when he lacks

Narcissistic Supply. The regulation of his labile sense of self-worth

is dependent upon external stimuli - adoration, adulation, affirmation,

applause, notoriety, fame, infamy, and, in general, attention of any

kind.

 

When such attention is deficient, the narcissist compensates by

confabulating. He constructs ungrounded narratives in which he is the

protagonist and uses them to force his human environment into

complicity.

 

Put simply, he provokes people to pay attention to him by misbehaving

or behaving oddly.

 

Intimacy Retarding Paranoia

 

Paranoia is use by the narcissist to ward off or reverse intimacy. The

narcissist is threatened by intimacy because it reduces him to

ordinariness by exposing his weaknesses and shortcomings and by causing

him to act “normally”. The narcissist also dreads the encounter with

his deep buried emotions - hurt, envy, anger, aggression - likely to be

foisted on him in an intimate relationship.

 

The paranoid narrative legitimises intimacy repelling behaviours such

as keeping one’s distance, secrecy, aloofness, reclusion, aggression,

intrusion on privacy, lying, desultoriness, itinerancy,

unpredictability, and idiosyncratic or eccentric reactions. Gradually,

the narcissist succeeds to alienate and wear down all his friends,

colleagues, well-wishers, and mates.

 

Even his closest, nearest, and dearest, his family - feel emotionally

detached and “burnt out”.

 

The paranoid narcissist ends life as an oddball recluse - derided,

feared, and loathed in equal measures. His paranoia - exacerbated by

repeated rejections and ageing - pervades his entire life and

diminishes his creativity, adaptability, and functioning. The

narcissist personality, buffeted by paranoia, turns ossified and

brittle. Finally, atomised and useless, it succumbs and gives way to a

great void. The narcissist is consumed.

 

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 19

 

The Unstable Narcissist

 

Question: