Malignant Self Love, Samuel Vaknin [reading tree txt] 📗
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_ Frequently entertains a wishful, exaggerated and unrealistic
concept of himself, which he can’t possibly measure up to [Reich];
_ Produces (too quickly) work not up to the level of his
abilities because of an overwhelmingly strong need for the immediate
gratification of success [Reich];
_ Is touchy, quick to take offence at the slightest provocation,
continually anticipating attack and danger, reacting with anger and
fantasies of revenge when he feels himself frustrated in his need for
constant admiration [Reich];
_ Is self-conscious, due to a dependence on approval from others
[Reich];
_ Suffers regularly from repetitive oscillations of self-esteem
[Reich];
_ Seeks to undo feelings of inadequacy by forcing everyone’s
attention and admiration upon himself [Reich];
_ May react with self-contempt and depression to the lack of
fulfilment of his grandiose expectations [Riso].
Sources:
Forman, Max. Narcissistic Disorders and the Oedipal Fixations. In
Feldstein, J.J. (Ed.), The Annual of Psychoanalysis. Volume IV. New
York: International Universities [1976] pp. 65-92.
Millon, Theodore, and Roger D. Davis. Disorders of Personality: DSM-IV
and Beyond. 2nd Ed. New York: Wiley, [1996] pp. 411-12.
Reich, Annie, [1986]. Pathological Forms of Self-Esteem Regulation. In
Morrison, A. P., (Ed.), Essential Papers on Narcissism. pp. 44-60.
Reprint from 1960. Psychoanalytic Study of the Child. Volume 15, pp.
205-32.
Riso, Don Richard. Personality Types: Using the Enneagram for
Self-Discovery. Boston: Houghton Mifflin [1987] pp. 102-3.
Speculative Diagnostic Criteria for
Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Disorder
A pervasive pattern of self-inflation, pseudo-confidence,
exhibitionism, and strivings for prestige, that compensates for
feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem, as indicated by the
following:
_ Pseudo-confidence compensating for an underlying condition of
insecurity and feelings of helplessness;
_ Pretentiousness, self-inflation;
_ Exhibitionism in the pursuit of attention, recognition, and
glory;
_ Strivings for prestige to enhance self-esteem;
_ Deceitfulness and manipulativeness in the service of
maintaining feelings of superiority;
_ Idealisation in relationships;
_ Fragmentation of the self: feelings of emptiness and deadness;
_ A proud, hubristic disposition;
_ Hypochondriasis;
_ Substance abuse;
_ Self-destructiveness.
Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Disorder corresponds to Ernest
Jones’ narcissistic “God Complex”, Annie Reich’s “Compensatory
Narcissism”, Heinz Kohut’s “Narcissistic Personality Disorder”, and
Theodore Millon’s “Compensatory Narcissist”.
Millon, Theodore, and Roger D. Davis. Disorders of Personality: DSM-IV
and Beyond. 2nd ed. New York: Wiley, 1996. 411-12.
Compare this to the classic type:
Narcissistic Personality Type
The basic trait of the Narcissistic Personality Type is a pattern of
grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy.
The Narcissistic Personality Type:
_ Reacts to criticism with feelings of rage, shame, or
humiliation;
_ Is interpersonally exploitive: takes advantage of others to
achieve his own ends;
_ Has a grandiose sense of self-importance;
_ Believes that his problems are unique and can be understood
only by other special people;
_ Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power,
brilliance, beauty, or ideal love;
_ Has a sense of entitlement: an unreasonable expectation of
especially favourable treatment;
_ Requires much attention and admiration of others;
_ Lacks empathy: fails to recognise and experience how others
feel;
_ Is preoccupied with feelings of envy.
This is mainly the DSM-III-R view. Pay attention to the not so subtle
changes in the DSM-IV-TR - SV:
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders [American
Psychiatric Association. DSM-IV-TR, Washington, 2000] describes
Narcissistic Personality Disorder as a pervasive pattern of grandiosity
(in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration, and lack of empathy,
beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as
indicated by five (or more) of the following:
_ Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates
achievements and talents, expects to be recognised as superior without
commensurate achievements);
_ Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power,
brilliance, beauty, or ideal love;
_ Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be
understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status
people (or institutions);
_ Requires excessive admiration;
_ Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of
especially favourable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her
expectations;
_ Is interpersonally exploitive, i.e., takes advantage of others
to achieve his or her own ends;
_ Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognise or identify with the
feelings and needs of others;
_ Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious
of him or her;
_ Shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes.
Summarised from: American Psychiatric Association. Diagnostic and
Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders: DSM-IV-TR, Washington [2000]
The Inverted Narcissist
It is clear that there is, indeed, an hitherto neglected type of
narcissist. It is the “self-effacing” or “introverted” narcissist. We
call it the Inverted Narcissist (hereinafter: IN). Others call it
“narcissist-codependent” or “N-magnet”.
This is a narcissist who, in many respects, is the mirror image of the
“classical” narcissist. No one is sure why. The psychodynamics of such
a narcissist are not clear, nor are its developmental roots. Perhaps it
is the product of an overweening Primary Object or caregiver. Perhaps
excessive abuse leads to the repression of even the narcissistic and
other defence mechanisms. Perhaps the parents suppress every
manifestation of grandiosity (very common in early childhood) and of
narcissism - so that the narcissistic defence mechanism is “inverted”
and internalised in this unusual form.
These narcissists are self-effacing, sensitive, emotionally fragile,
sometimes socially phobic. They derive all their self-esteem and sense
of self-worth from the outside (others), are pathologically envious (a
transformation of aggression), are likely to intermittently engage in
aggressive/violent behaviours, are more emotionally labile than the
classic narcissist, etc.
We can, therefore talk about three “basic” types of narcissists:
1. The offspring of neglecting parents - They resort to narcissism
as the predominant object relation (with themselves as the exclusive
object).
2. The offspring of doting or domineering parents (often
narcissists themselves) - They internalised their parents’ voices in
the form of a sadistic, ideal, immature Superego and spend their lives
trying to be perfect, omnipotent, omniscient and to be judged “a
success” by these parent-images and their later representations
(authority figures).
3. The offspring of abusive parents - They internalise the
abusing, demeaning and contemptuous voices and spend their lives in an
effort to elicit “counter-voices” from their human environment and thus
to extract a modicum of self-esteem and sense of self-worth.
All three types exhibit recursive, recurrent and Sisyphean failures.
Shielded by their defence mechanisms, they constantly gauge reality
wrongly, their actions and reactions become more and more rigid and
ossified and the damage inflicted by them on themselves and on others
ever greater.
The narcissistic parent seems to employ a myriad of primitive defences
in his dealings with his children. Splitting - idealising the child and
devaluing him in cycles, which reflect the internal dynamics of the
parent rather than anything the child does. Projective Identification -
forcing the child into behaviours and traits, which reflect the
parents’ fears regarding himself or herself, his or her self-image and
his or her self-worth. This is a particularly powerful and pernicious
mechanism. If the narcissist parent fears his own deficiencies
(“defects”), vulnerability, perceived weaknesses, susceptibility,
gullibility, or emotions - he is likely to force the child to “feel”
these rejected and (to him) repulsive emotions, to behave in ways
strongly abhorred by the parent, to exhibit character traits the parent
strongly rejects in himself.
The child, in a way, becomes the “trash bin” of the parents’
inhibitions, fears, self-loathing, self-contempt, perceived lack of
self-worth, sense of inadequacy, rejected traits, repressed emotions,
failures and emotional reticence. Coupled with the parent’s treatment
of the child as the parent’s extension, it serves to totally inhibit
the psychological growth and emotional maturation of the child. The
child becomes a reflection of the parent - a vessel through which the
parent experiences and realises himself for better (hopes, aspirations,
ambition, life goals) and for worse (weaknesses, “undesirable”
emotions, “negative” traits).
A host of other, simpler, defence mechanisms employed by the parent are
likely to obscure the predominant use of projective identification:
projection, displacement, intellectualisation, depersonalisation.
Relationships between such parents and their progeny easily deteriorate
to sexual or other modes of abuse because there are no functioning
boundaries between them.
It seems that the child’s reaction to a narcissistic parent can be
either accommodation and assimilation or rejection.
Accommodation and Assimilation
The child accommodates, idealises and internalises the Primary Object
successfully. This means that the child’s “internal voice” is
narcissistic and that the child tries to comply with its directives and
with its explicit and perceived wishes. The child becomes a masterful
provider of Narcissistic Supply, a perfect match to the parent’s
personality, an ideal source, an accommodating, understanding and
caring caterer to all the needs, whims, mood swings and cycles of the
narcissist, an endurer of devaluation and idealisation with equanimity,
a superb adapter to the narcissist’s world view, in short: the ultimate
extension. This is what we call an “inverted narcissist”.
We must not neglect the abusive aspect of such a relationship. The
narcissistic parent always alternates between idealisation of his
progeny and its devaluation. The child is likely to internalise the
devaluing, abusive, demeaning, berating, diminishing, minimising,
upbraiding, chastising voices. The parent (or caregiver) goes on to
survive inside the adult (as part of a sadistic and ideal Superego and
an unrealistic Ego Ideal, to resort to psychoanalytic parlance). These
are the voices that inhibit the development of reactive narcissism, the
child’s defence mechanism.
The child turned adult maintains these traits. He keeps looking for
narcissists in order to feel whole, alive and wanted. He wishes to be
treated by a narcissist narcissistically (what others would call abuse
is, to him or her, familiar and constitutes Narcissistic Supply). To
him, the narcissist is a Source of Supply (primary or secondary) and
the narcissistic behaviours constitute Narcissistic Supply. He feels
dissatisfied, empty and unloved if not loved by a narcissist.
The roles of Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply (PSNS) and Secondary
Source of Narcissistic Supply (SSNS) are reversed. To the inverted
narcissist, a spouse is a Source of PRIMARY Supply.
The other reaction to the narcissistic parent is:
Rejection
The child may react to the narcissism of the Primary Object with a
peculiar type of rejection. He develops his own narcissistic
personality, replete with grandiosity and lack of empathy - BUT his
personality is antithetical to the personality of the narcissistic
parent. If the parent were a somatic narcissist - he is likely to be a
cerebral one, if his father prided himself being virtuous - he is
sinful, if his mother bragged about her frugality, he is bound to
flaunt his wealth.
An Attempted DSM-Style List of Criteria
We came up with a DSM-IV-TR “style” inventory for an inverted
narcissist, using the narcissists’ characteristics as a template,
because they are, in many ways two sides of the same coin, or “the
mould and the moulded” hence “mirror narcissist” or “inverted
narcissist”.
The narcissist tries to merge with an idealised but badly internalised
object. He does so by “digesting” the meaningful others in his life and
transforming them into extensions of his self. He employs various
techniques to achieve this. To the “digested” this is the crux of the
harrowing experience called “living with a narcissist”.
The “inverted narcissist” (IN), on the other hand, does not attempt,
except in fantasy or in dangerous, masochistic sexual practice, to
merge with an idealised external object. This is because he so
successfully internalised the narcissistic Primary Object to the
exclusion of all else. The IN feels ill at ease in a relationship with
a non-narcissist because it
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