Malignant Self Love, Samuel Vaknin [reading tree txt] 📗

is unconsciously perceived by him to be

“betrayal”, “cheating”, an abrogation of the exclusivity clause he had

with the narcissistic Primary Object.

 

This is the big difference between narcissists and their inverted

version. The former REJECTED the Primary Object in particular (and

object relations in general) in favour of a handy substitute:

themselves.

 

The IN accepted the (narcissist) Primary Object and internalised it -

to the exclusion of all others (unless they are perceived by him to be

faithful renditions, replicas of the narcissistic Primary Object).

 

Criterion ONE

 

The IN possesses a rigid sense of lack of self-worth.

 

The narcissist has a badly regulated sense of self-worth. However this

is not conscious. He goes through cycles of self-devaluation (and

experiences them as dysphorias). The IN’s sense of self-worth does NOT

fluctuate. It is rather stable - but it is very low. Whereas the

narcissist devalues others - the IN devalues himself as an offering, a

sacrifice to the narcissist. The IN pre-empts the narcissist by

devaluing himself, by actively devaluing his own achievements, or

talents. The IN is exceedingly distressed when singled out because of

actual achievements or demonstration of superior skills.

 

The inverted narcissist is compelled to filter all of his narcissistic

needs through the primary narcissist in their lives. No independence is

permitted. The IN feels amplified by the narcissist’s commentary

(because nothing can be accomplished by the invert without the approval

of a primary narcissist in their lives).

 

Criterion TWO

 

Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance and

beauty or of an ideal of love.

 

This is the same as the DSM-IV-TR criterion for Narcissistic

Personality Disorder but, with the IN, it manifests absolutely

differently, i.e. the cognitive dissonance is sharper here because the

IN is so absolutely and completely convinced of their worthlessness

that these fantasies of grandeur are extremely painful “dissonances”.

 

With the narcissist, the dissonance exists on two levels:

 

Between the UNCONSCIOUS feeling of lack of stable self-worth and the

grandiose fantasies AND between the grandiose fantasies and reality

(the Grandiosity Gap).

 

In comparison, the inverted narcissist can only vacillate between lack

of self-worth and reality. No grandiosity is permitted, except in

dangerous, forbidden fantasy. This shows that the invert is

psychologically incapable of fully realising their inherent potentials

without a primary narcissist to filter the praise, adulation or

accomplishments through. They MUST have someone to whom praise can be

redirected.

 

The dissonance between the IN’s certainty of self-worthlessness and

genuine praise that cannot be deflected is likely to emotionally derail

the inverted narcissist every time.

 

Criterion THREE

 

Believes that he is absolutely un-unique and un-special (i.e.,

worthless and not worthy of merger with the fantasised ideal) and that

no one at all could understand him because he is innately unworthy of

being understood. The IN becomes very agitated the more one tries to

understand him because that also offends against his righteous sense of

being properly excluded from the human race.

 

A sense of worthlessness is typical of many other PDs (AND the feeling

that no one could ever understand them). The narcissist himself endures

prolonged periods of self-devaluation, self-deprecation and

self-effacement. This is part of the Narcissistic Cycle. In this sense,

the inverted narcissist is a PARTIAL narcissist in that he is

permanently fixated in a part of the narcissist wheel, never to

experience its complementary half: the narcissistic grandiosity and

sense of entitlement.

 

The “righteous sense of being properly excluded” comes from the

sadistic Superego in concert with the “overbearing, externally

reinforced, conscience”.

 

Criterion FOUR

 

Demands anonymity (in the sense of seeking to remain excluded at all

costs) and is intensely irritated and uncomfortable with any attention

being paid to him - similar to the Schizoid PD.

 

Criterion FIVE

 

Feels that he is undeserving and not entitled.

 

Feels that he is inferior to others, lacking, insubstantial, unworthy,

unlikeable, unlovable, someone to scorn and dismiss, or to ignore.

 

Criterion SIX

 

Is extinguishingly selfless, sacrificial, even unctuous in his

interpersonal relationships and will avoid the assistance of others at

all costs. Can only interact with others when he can be seen to be

giving, supportive, and expending an unusual effort to assist.

 

Some narcissists behave the same way but only as a means to obtain

Narcissistic Supply (praise, adulation, affirmation, attention). This

must not be confused with the behaviour of the IN.

 

Criterion SEVEN

 

Lacks empathy. Is intensely attuned to others’ needs, but only in so

far as it relates to his own need to perform the required

self-sacrifice, which in turn is necessary in order for the IN to

obtain his Narcissistic Supply from the primary narcissist.

 

By contrast, narcissists are never empathic. They are intermittently

attuned to others only in order to optimise the extraction of

Narcissistic Supply from them.

 

Criterion EIGHT

 

Envies others. Cannot conceive of being envied and becomes extremely

agitated and uncomfortable if even brought into a situation where

comparison might occur - loathes competition and will avoid competition

at all costs, if there is any chance of actually winning the

competition, or being singled out.

 

Criterion NINE

 

Displays extreme shyness, lack of any real relational connections, is

publicly self-effacing in the extreme, is internally highly moralistic

and critical of others; is a perfectionist and engages in lengthy

ritualistic behaviours, which can never be perfectly performed

(obsessive-compulsive, though not necessarily to the full extent

exhibited in OCD). Notions of being individualistic are anathema.

 

The Reactive Patterns of the Inverted Narcissist (IN)

 

The inverted narcissist does not suffer from a “milder” form of

narcissism. Like the “classic” narcissists, it has degrees and shades.

But it is much more rare and the DSM-IV-TR variety is the more

prevalent.

 

The inverted narcissist is liable to react with rage whenever

threatened, or…

 

…When envious of other people’s achievements, their ability to feel

wholeness, happiness, rewards and successes, when his sense of

self-worthlessness is enhanced by a behaviour, a comment, an event,

when his lack of self-worth and voided self-esteem is THREATENED.

 

Thus, this type of narcissist might surprisingly react violently or

ragefully to GOOD things: a kind remark, a mission accomplished, a

reward, a compliment, a proposition, a sexual advance).

 

…When thinking about the past, when emotions and memories are evoked

(usually negative ones) by certain music, a given smell, or sight.

 

…When his pathological envy leads to an all-pervasive sense of

injustice and being discriminated against or treated unjustly by a

spiteful world.

 

…When he encounters stupidity, avarice, dishonesty, bigotry - it is

these qualities in him that the narcissist really fears and rejects so

vehemently in others.

 

…When he believes that he failed (and he always entertains this

belief), that he is imperfect and useless and worthless, a good for

nothing half-baked creature.

 

…When he realises to what extent his inner demons possess him,

constrain his life, torment him, deform him and the hopelessness of it

all.

 

Then even the inverted narcissist rages. He becomes verbally and

emotionally abusive. He uncannily pierces the soft spots of his target,

and mercilessly drives home the poisoned dagger of despair and

self-loathing until it infects his adversary.

 

The calm after such a storm is even eerier, a thundering silence. The

narcissist regrets his behaviour but rarely admits his feelings, though

he might apologise profusely.

 

He simply nurtures his feelings as yet another weapon of

self-destruction and self-defeat. It is from this very suppressed

self-contempt, from this very repressed and introverted judgement, from

this missing emotional atonement that the narcissistic rage springs

forth. Thus the vicious cycle is established.

 

One important difference between inverted narcissists and

non-narcissists is that the former are less likely to react with PTSD

(Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) following a relationship with a

narcissist. They seem to be “desensitised” to narcissists by their

early upbringing. Whereas the reactions of normal people to

narcissistic behaviour patterns (and especially to the splitting and

projective identification defence mechanisms and to the idealisation

devaluation cycles) is shock, profound hurt and disorientation -

inverted narcissists show none of the above.

 

The Life of the Inverted Narcissist (IN)

 

The IN is, usually, exceedingly and painfully shy as a child. Despite

this social phobia, his grandiosity (absorbed from the parent) might

direct him to seek “limelight” professions and occupations, which

involve exposure, competition, “stage fright” and social friction. The

setting can vary from the limited (family) to the expansive (national

media) - but, whatever it is, the result is constant conflict and

feelings of discomfort, even terror and extreme excitement and thrill

(“adrenaline rush”). This is because the IN’s grandiosity is “imported”

and not fully integrated. It is, therefore, not supportive of his

“grandiose” pursuits (as is the case with the narcissist). On the

contrary, the IN feels awkward, pitted on the edge of a precipice,

contrived, false and misleading, not to say deceitful.

 

The inverted narcissist grows up in a suppressive environment. It could

be an orthodox, hyper-religious, or traditionalist culture, a

monovalent, “black and white”, doctrinarian and indoctrinating society

- or a family which manifests all the above in a microcosm all its own.

The inverted narcissist is cast in a negative (emergent) role within

his family. His “negativity” is attributed to his gender, the order of

his birth, religious, social, or cultural dictates and commandments,

his “character flaws”, his relation to a specific person or event, his

acts or inaction and so on.

 

In the words of one such IN:

 

“In the religious culture I grew up in. Women are SO suppressed, their

roles are so carefully restricted. They are the representation, in the

flesh, of all that is sinful, degrading, of all that is wrong with the

world.

 

These are the negative gender/cultural images that were force fed to us

the negative ‘otherness’ of women, as defined by men, was fed to me. I

was so shy, withdrawn, unable to really relate to people at all from as

early as I can remember.”

 

The IN is subjected and exposed either to an overbearing, overvalued

parent, or to an aloof, detached, emotionally unavailable one - or to

both - at an early stage of his life.

 

“I grew up in the shadow of my father who adored me, put me on a

pedestal, told me I could do or be anything I wanted because I was

incredibly bright, BUT, he ate me alive, I was his property and an

extension of him.

 

I also grew up with the mounting hatred of my narcissist brother who

got none of this attention from our father and got no attention from

our mother either. My function was to make my father look wonderful in

the eyes of all outsiders, the wonderful parent with a genius

Wunderkind as his last child, and the only child of the six that he was

physically present to raise from the get go. The overvaluation combined

with being abjectly ignored or raged at by him when I stepped out of

line even the tiniest bit, was enough to warp my personality.”

 

The invert cannot, or is prevented from developing full-blown secondary

narcissism. The invert is so heavily preoccupied in his or her

pre-school years in satisfying the narcissistic parent, that the traits

of grandiosity and self-love, need for adoration and Narcissistic

Supply from ANY viable source remain dormant or repressed.

 

The invert simply “knows” that only the narcissistic parent can provide

the requisite amount of Narcissistic Supply. The narcissistic parent is

so controlling that any attempt to garner praise or adulation from any

other source (without the approval of the parent) is severely punished

by swift devaluation and even the occasional spanking or abuse

(physical, emotional, or sexual).

 

This is a vital part of the conditioning that gives rise to inverted

narcissism.