Malignant Self Love, Samuel Vaknin [reading tree txt] 📗

Is the narcissist characterised by instabilities in all the

important aspects of his life at the same time?

 

Answer: A narcissist is a person who derives his Ego (and Ego

functions) from the reactions of his human environment to a projected,

invented image called the False Self. Since no absolute control over

such feedback of Narcissistic Supply is possible - it is bound to be

volatile - the narcissist’s view of himself and of his surroundings is

correspondingly and equally volatile. As “public opinion” fluctuates,

so do his self-confidence, self-esteem, generally, so does his self.

Even his convictions are subject to a never-ending voting process by

others.

 

The narcissistic personality is subject to instabilities in each and

every one of its dimensions. It is the ultimate hybrid: rigidly

amorphous, devoutly flexible, reliant for its sustenance on the opinion

of people, whom the narcissist undervalues. A large part of this

instability is subsumed under the Emotional Involvement Prevention

Measures (EIPM) that I describe in the Overview. Instability is so

ubiquitous, so all-pervasive, and so prevalent and dominant - that it

might well be described as the ONLY stable feature of the narcissist’s

personality.

 

The narcissist does everything with one goal in mind: to attract

Narcissistic Supply (attention).

 

An example of this kind of behaviour:

 

The narcissist may study a given subject diligently and in great depth

in order to impress people later with this newly acquired erudition.

But, having served its purpose, the narcissist lets the knowledge thus

acquired evaporate.

 

The narcissist maintains a sort of a “short-term” cell or warehouse

where he stores whatever may come handy in the pursuit of Narcissistic

Supply. But he is almost never really interested in what he does,

studies, and experiences. From the outside, this might be perceived as

instability. But think about it this way: the narcissist is constantly

preparing for life’s “exams” and feels that he is on a permanent trial.

To forget material studied only in preparation for an examination or

for a court appearance is normal. Short memory storage is a perfectly

common behaviour. What sets the narcissist apart from others is the

fact that for him this is a CONSTANT state of affairs and that it

affects ALL his functions, not only those directly related to learning,

or to emotions, or to experience, or to any single dimension of his

life. Thus, the narcissist learns, remembers and forgets not in line

with his real interests or hobbies, he loves and hates not the real

subjects of his emotions but one dimensional, utilitarian, cartoons

constructed by him. He judges, praises and condemns - all from the

narrowest possible point of view: that of the potential amount of

Narcissistic Supply. He asks not what he can do with the world and in

it - but what can the world do for him as far as Narcissistic Supply

goes. He falls in and out of love with people, workplaces, residences,

vocations, hobbies, interests - because they seem to be able to provide

more or less Narcissistic Supply and only because of that.

 

Still, narcissists belong to two broad categories: the “compensatory

stability” and the “enhancing instability” types.

 

I. Compensatory Stability (“Classic”) Narcissists

 

These narcissists isolate one or more (but never most) aspects of their

lives and “make these aspect/s stable”. They do not really invest

themselves in it. The stability is maintained by artificial means:

money, celebrity, power, fear. A typical example is a narcissist who

changes numerous workplaces, a few careers, a myriad of hobbies, value

systems or faiths. At the same time, he maintains (preserves) a

relationship with a single woman (and even remains faithful to her).

She is his “island of stability”. To fulfil this role, she just needs

to be there physically.

 

The narcissist is dependent upon “his” woman to maintain the stability

lacking in all other areas of his life (=to compensate for his

instability). Yet, emotional closeness is bound to threaten the

narcissist.

 

Thus, he is likely to distance himself from her and to remain detached

and indifferent to most of her needs. Despite this cruel emotional

treatment, the narcissist considers her to be a point of exit, a form

of sustenance, a fountain of empowerment. This mismatch between what he

wishes to receive and what he is able to give, the narcissist prefers

to deny, repress and bury deep in his unconscious. This is why he is

always shocked and devastated to learn of his wife’s estrangement,

infidelity, or divorce intentions. Possessed of no emotional depth,

being completely one track minded - he cannot fathom the needs of

others. In other words, he cannot empathise.

 

Another - even more common - case is the “career narcissist”. This

narcissist marries, divorces and remarries with dizzying speed.

Everything in his life is in constant flux: friends, emotions,

judgements, values, beliefs, place of residence, affiliations, hobbies.

Everything, that is, except his work. His career is the island of

compensating stability in his volatile existence. This kind of

narcissist doggedly pursues it with unmitigated ambition and devotion.

He perseveres in one workplace or one job, patiently, persistently and

blindly climbing up the ladder or treading the career path. In his

pursuit of job fulfilment and achievements, the narcissist is ruthless

and unscrupulous - and, very often, most successful.

 

II. Enhancing Instability (“Borderline”) Narcissist

 

The other kind of narcissist enhances instability in one aspect or

dimension of his life - by introducing instability in others. Thus, if

such a narcissist resigns (or, more likely, is made redundant) - he

also relocates to another city or country. If he divorces, he is also

likely to resign his job. This added instability gives these

narcissists the feeling that all the dimensions of their life are

changing simultaneously, that they are being “unshackled”, that a

transformation is in progress. This, of course, is an illusion. Those

who know the narcissist, no longer trust his frequent “conversions”,

“decisions”, “crises”, “transformations”, “developments” and “periods”.

They see through his pretensions and declarations into the core of his

instability. They know that he is not to be relied upon. They know that

with narcissists, temporariness is the only permanence.

 

Narcissists hate routine. When a narcissist finds himself doing the

same things over and over again, he gets depressed. He oversleeps,

over-eats, over-drinks and, in general, engages in addictive,

impulsive, reckless, and compulsive behaviours. This is his way of

re-introducing risk and excitement into what he (emotionally) perceives

to be a barren life.

 

The problem is that even the most exciting and varied existence becomes

routine after a while. Living in the same country or apartment, meeting

the same people, doing essentially the same things (even with changing

content) - all “qualify” as stultifying rote.

 

The narcissist feels entitled to more. He feels it is his right - due

to his intellectual superiority - to lead a thrilling, rewarding,

kaleidoscopic life. He feels entitled to force life itself, or, at

least, people around him, to yield to his wishes and needs, supreme

among them the need for stimulating variety.

 

This rejection of habit is part of a larger pattern of aggressive

entitlement. The narcissist feels that the very existence of a sublime

intellect (such as himself) warrants concessions and allowances by

others. Standing in line is a waste of time better spent pursuing

knowledge, inventing and creating. The narcissist should avail himself

of the best medical treatment proffered by the most prominent medical

authorities - lest the asset that he is lost to Mankind. He should not

be bothered with trivial pursuits - these lowly functions are best

assigned to the less gifted. The devil is in paying precious attention

to detail.

 

Entitlement is sometimes justified in a Picasso or an Einstein. But few

narcissists are either. Their achievements are grotesquely

incommensurate with their overwhelming sense of entitlement and with

their grandiose self-image.

 

Of course, the feeling of superiority often serves to mask a cancerous

complex of inferiority. Moreover, the narcissist infects others with

his projected grandiosity and their feedback constitutes the edifice

upon which he constructs his self-esteem. He regulates his sense of

self worth by rigidly insisting that he is above the madding crowd

while deriving his Narcissistic Supply from this very source.

 

But there is a second angle to this abhorrence of the predictable.

Narcissists employ a host of Emotional Involvement Prevention Measures

(EIPM). Despising routine and avoiding it is one of these mechanisms.

Their function is to prevent the narcissist from getting emotionally

involved and, subsequently, hurt.

 

Their application results in an “approach-avoidance repetition

complex”. The narcissist, fearing and loathing intimacy, stability and

security - yet craving them - approaches and then avoids significant

others or important tasks in a rapid succession of apparently

inconsistent and disconnected behaviours.

]

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 24

 

Other People’s Pain

 

Question: Do they actually enjoy the taunting, the sadistic behaviour,

and the punishment that always follows?

 

Answer: Most narcissists enjoy an irrational and brief burst of relief

after having suffered emotionally (“narcissistic injury”) or after

having sustained a loss. It is a sense of freedom, which comes with

being unshackled. Having lost everything, the narcissist often feels

that he has found himself, that he has been re-born, that he has been

charged with natal energy, able to take on new challenges and to

explore new territories. This elation is so addictive, that the

narcissist often seeks pain, humiliation, punishment, scorn, and

contempt - as long as they are public and involve the attention of

peers and superiors. Being punished accords with the tormenting inner

voices of the narcissist which keep telling him that he is bad,

corrupt, and worthy of penalty.

 

This is the masochistic streak in the narcissist. But the narcissist is

also a sadist - albeit an unusual one.

 

The narcissist inflicts pain and abuse on others. He devalues Sources

of Supply, callously and off-handedly abandons them, and discards

people, places, partnerships, and friendships unhesitatingly. Some

narcissists - though by no means the majority - actually ENJOY abusing,

taunting, tormenting, and freakishly controlling others

(“gaslighting”). But most of them do these things absentmindedly,

automatically, and, often, even without good reason.

 

What is unusual about the narcissist’s sadistic behaviours -

premeditated acts of tormenting others while enjoying their anguished

reactions - is that they are goal orientated. “Pure” sadists have no

goal in mind except the pursuit of pleasure - pain as an art form

(remember the Marquis de Sade?).

 

The narcissist, on the other hand, haunts and hunts his victims for a

reason - he wants them to reflect his inner state. It is all part of a

mechanism called Projective Identification.

 

When the narcissist is angry, unhappy, disappointed, injured, or hurt -

he feels unable to express his emotions sincerely and openly since to

do so would be to admit his frailty, his neediness, and his weaknesses.

He deplores his own humanity - his emotions, his vulnerability, his

susceptibility, his gullibility, his inadequacies, and his failures.

So, he makes use of other people to express his pain and his

frustration, his pent up anger and his aggression. He achieves this by

mentally torturing other people to the point of madness, by driving

them to violence, by reducing them to scar tissue in search of outlet,

closure, and, sometimes, revenge. He forces people to lose their own

character traits - and adopt his own instead. In reaction to his

constant and well-targeted abuse, they become abusive, vengeful,

ruthless, lacking empathy, obsessed, and aggressive. They mirror him

faithfully and thus relieve him of the need to express himself directly.

 

Having constructed this writhing hall of human mirrors, the narcissist

withdraws. The goal achieved, he lets go. As opposed to the sadist, he

is no in it, indefinitely, for the pleasure of it. He abuses and

traumatizes, humiliates and abandons, discards and ignores, insults and

provokes