Chasing Away the Demons, Kayla Stiles [book club books .TXT] 📗

So Far Away

So Far Away

10/3/11

Baby, I can feel you falling away.
I feel you slipping through my fingers.
I reach out to touch your once-smiling face,
But you’re just out of reach of my fingertips.
I yearn to be held by your strong arms,
To feel safe and warm, once again by your side,
But you’re so far away,
I just can't seem to reach you.
I ache to lay by your side again,
To be able to touch you again.
I feel you lying next to me,
Yet you’re not really there, are you?
How could you be? You’re so far away.
I feel the strength in your hugs leaving you,
Your kisses start to become cold and forced.
The tears slide down my cheeks
As I realize that forever may not be real,
That our love might dissipate,
And that I might lose you.
That the “forever” we spoke of
Might actually become “never again”.
I love you with all my heart
And I never want to lose you.
But if your choice is to leave and never come back,
I cannot stop you.
For who am I to change Fate,
But a mere mortal?
A weak human being who has yet to learn
Her place in life, or even the meaning
Of her life, of her being here, alive.
If I lose you, however,
I know that I will truly be lost.
That I will truly have no purpose
In life. That I am forsaken.
If I lose you, I will never stop
Looking for you, trying to get you back.
I will forevermore be in search
Of the love that we once shared in,
Of the joy and peace
We once lived in, together.
Until I get back
The man whom I fell in love with,
I will forever be a lonely soul,
I will forever be in search of our love.
I will always question,
“Where did it go? What happened
To change everything,
And make it all go dead?”
I will die, with these last words,
Uttered with my last breath,
“I love you.”

Stonger or not

Stonger or not

6/6/13

 

I'm getting stronger, day by painful day.

But it doesn't mean the pain has gone away.

It's still there, ringing in my head loud and clear.

But my strength is returning to me. My time to be me again, is drawing near.

I will never be the same. Oh no. Not the same.

But I might be better, or I might be insane.

Only time can tell what will happen

To this girl so fond of napping,

Cuddled up in the arms of her love,

At that time, feeling so high and above.

I've been broken, yes.

I've been shattered inside my chest.

But if I can push through this, like a warrior,

I may no longer be the bad-news-carrier.

I might one day lift up my head,

And see the sunrise with love, not dread.

I will always love him, for he is my love.

But if I can't make it past this, I'll never again rise above.

Above all this pain, above all this heart break.

The things that watching the one you love leave tends to make.

I don't know if I'll ever love again,

For I am trapped inside my mind's den.

But if I can find the power to find love one day,

May the Goddess bless it in every single way.

I don't know how long it will take me to be able to trust,

But I don't want to live a life full of rust.

The rust of old relationships gone to hell,

The rust of a thousand promises broken without tell.

I don't want to live a life bathed in blood,

The blood of a broken heart, covered in bruises and crud.

I always wanted that perfect relationship with no fights, no anger.

But now I've come to see that there is no such thing as no anger.

All relationships start happy and get bumpy,

But that's not a sign to end it all grumpy.

If you truly love someone with all your heart,

You fight for them to stay, no matter how tart.

You stay with them through it all,

Through the fights and through the fall.

If they leave, that's on them.

But if you leave for a selfish reason, that's on you my friend.

If you leave behind someone who loves you with all their soul,

You might end up alone, with a dark and empty hole.

I'm just saying that I love with all I have,

But when it gets thrown in my face, it takes all I have

To not break down and nap for eternity.

I try to show you how to reach true love, even in frailty.

If you push me away because of a stupid reason,

I can't control that, today or in any other season.

But I'll leave you with this one thought:

If you had stayed, how much further would we have got?

I'm getting stronger, day by painful day.

But it doesn't mean the pain has gone away.

Then and Now

Then and Now

“Everytime I fell, who was there to catch me?
No One.
Every time I cries, whose shoulder did I lean on?
Nobody’s.
When I felt so hideous, so repulsive, who was there to make me feel beautiful?
No fucking one.
When I was blue, who made me pink? When I was down, who brought me up? When I was frowning, who made me smile?
Nobody.
Has ther always been someone there for me, by my side?
Never.
Did I always smile? Did I always laugh?
No.
Has there always been a dark longing, a depression, an anger, which I have struggled so hard to keep hidden inside forever?
Yes.
Did I cut myself out of self-loathing and anger?
Always.
Will I always be trapped in this hated black hole?
Forever.
Will I die here, alone, in the cold, in the dark? With no warm arms of hope to ever embrace me?
Yes.”
But that was then, this is now. I’m surrounded by white light, the birds are singing, the sun is bright and warm,
Almost welcoming.
That black hole was my life, despite that I didn’t have it as bad as most teens. It was bad enough for me, though.
My own Hell.
That was then, this is now. That was my life,
Until I had you. :)

Where Were You Daddy?

Where were you daddy?

1/12/12

Where were you daddy
All the times I’ve needed you?
Where were you
On your son’s first birthday?
Where were you
When mommy was crying
All through the night?
Where were you
When I would cry
Myself to sleep at night?
Where were you
When your son turned 13?
Where were you
When I celebrated my sweet 16?
Where were you
When I rode my first bike?
Where were you when
I got my first boyfriend?
Where were you when
I got my first heart break?
Where were you when
My step dad broke mom’s heart?
Where were you when
My trust was betrayed
For the first time by a close friend?
Where were you when
I walked down that aisle
Towards the man that I love?
Where were you when
I was struggling in school?
Where were you when
I needed my father
To hold me as I cried,
Feeling so helpless and alone?
Where were you when
I had troubles
Fitting in at school?
Where were you when
The students at my schools
Didn’t like me and
Made me feel like I didn’t belong?
Where were you as
They cut me down piece by piece?
Where were you daddy,
When they told me I couldn’t do anything right?
Where were you daddy,
When I died?
Where are you now daddy?
Where are you now?

Your Inner Tears

Your Inner Tears

You claim that nothing’s wrong, everything’s fine.
Yet why, then, do you seem so upset, so depressed?
Why is it, when I ask for you to tell me what’s wrong,
You suddenly quit texting or IMing me all together?
You change the subject, casually, but not quite
As slyly, as I’m sure you’re trying to be.
I text, “What’s wrong? What’s the matter with you?”
You respond, “Nada.” I push the issue. And, as usual,
You suddenly disappear. I don’t hear from you for days.
Do you have inner tears you try to hide?
Do you have hidden fears you refuse to tell me?
What is it that causes you enough angst
That, despite your personality, you feel this upset?
You’re not one to be easily distraught,
Especially not over long periods of time.
Are you crying on the inside? Just hoping
That no one will notice, that I won’t notice?
Is there some deep ache you’re concealing
Deep within,