I'm Yours Only, Sophie J Brain [i am malala young readers edition txt] 📗

already almost kissed him.

Confusion bubbled around in her head as she stood at his front door trying to decide whether to knock or not, yes there was a chance that she would kiss him but she was engaged and she took commitments rather seriously. It could go either way but she had always prided herself on doing the right thing.

The fact was her fiancé was at home sleeping having made no reaction to her planned seduction and she felt rejected and ugly, well maybe not ugly but there was a certain degree of rejection there. Perhaps if Chris had ever turned her down when they were together then she wouldn’t have felt so rejected of course she would have put so much more effort into it if it had been for him. She always had done with him because that side of their relationship had been so active; they had tried different things together. With Boris things were so scheduled that she had hoped the baby doll would have been enough.

Nicky shook her head as she realised she had digressed. Yes she might want to kiss Chris but more importantly she just wanted a friend and someone to talk to. She needed it at that very moment, she needed a friend. No she needed him. Then why couldn't she bring herself to knock? She went to turn away, she went to leave his house with the thought that he would never know she'd been there. She had to do the right thing, but then the door opened.

“Nicky?”

She looked up into his eyes and suddenly the confusion was gone “Don't read too much into this” she said in a low voice.

And then she was kissing him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Eight

His hands were everywhere. First they started on her hip and then they moved to her back, one voluntarily found its way to her hair. This was fantastic, Chris was aching with need in seconds, and his body felt like it had been set on fire. Everything was just how he remembered, the curve of her tender skin, the softness of her hair and the fantastic feel of her in his arms while in passionate embrace.

He didn't want to let her go. He had no idea why she had come to him or even why she was kissing him but at that moment he didn't care, at that moment he just wanted to kiss her back. He had been dreaming and longing for this woman for the past four years and at that moment, with her in his arms making him feel loved, wanted and far less lonely than he had been at late, he just wanted to savour the moment since he knew it could not last for ever. All he wanted was one taste, one feel, one moment before her had to let her go. All he wanted was her.

Somehow her coat got shrugged off and Chris saw what she was wearing underneath, he growled slightly as memories of the last time he had seen her in that particular outfit came flooding to him, very vivid memories and ones he was quite eager to repeat. He let out a small satisfied moan as his hand lightly squeezed her breast; his other cupped her bottom as he pulled her more closely to him.

Chris slowly pushed her up against the wall, his lips finding her neck as she gave a soft moan. Chris let out a contented groan as he carried on kissing her. He loved her and he wanted to show her just how much he loved her, he wanted her to feel loved again. “I want you” he whispered

The moment was lost; she stiffened in his arms and moved away from him. He watched as Nicky paced the room, her lips swollen, her eyes still alight with passion and her cheeks bright red. She looked beautiful, he decided to voice the opinion after all it couldn't make the situation any worse. “You really are beautiful”

Nicky stopped and looked at him “Don't say that”

Chris went to hug her but she shrugged him off “Nicky what is wrong? What is all this about?”

“I don't know” she shrugged looking lost and helpless “I wish I could tell you but I honestly don't know, I don't know anything anymore.”

Chris, desperately grabbing onto her words like they were all he had to live, took hold of her by the shoulders “What do you mean?”

He felt her shrug before she moved away “I don't know why I'm here, I don't know why I have been doing anything for the past week”

“What happened tonight?” He asked softly

She scoffed and leaned against a wall “I dressed like this for Boris; he just turned around and went to sleep. He didn’t even notice me. I just left the house; I wanted to feel passion again”

Chris kissed her forcefully, she started to kiss back but her alerts must have been up because soon after she pushed him off “Nicky if you have no passion then you can't marry him”

Nicky looked pained for a second, so pained that he wanted to fling his arms around her and protect her. He had tried to once before but had failed in that regard, he had made the mistake of protecting her from everyone else who could cause her pain but hadn't stopped to consider that he might be the one she needed protection from.

“I can't believe I just kissed you” she whispered

“It's what you wanted” he said softly

“I'm engaged” Nicky cried out making his heart give a small jolt, a jolt he was sure was caused by his guilt “I'm not supposed to be doing this anymore”

“Doing what?” he asked quietly taking a step towards her.

“Kissing people, making a move on people” Nicky sniffed slightly as she sunk down to the floor “not after university”

Chris walked over and sat beside her “What happened at university?”

With a shrug she wiped away a tear from her eye “Actually it all started before university, the night of the leavers ball actually. After you got engaged I ran out and went off with this guy I can't remember his name but he must have been about forty if not older. We out for a drink and then back to his place. Most of my nights were spent like that, going in and out of random people's beds.”

Chris stared in shock, he felt like he had been punched in the stomach, the pain and guilt he felt was so strong. He was looking deeply in her eyes and all that kept going through his mind was it was my fault. He had hurt her, he had got engaged right in front of her and he had caused her to be so unhappy. He wanted to say sorry, he wanted to hug her and tell her it was all okay but how could he? Chris couldn't guarantee that he could make everything all right but he did know that he loved her, that he wanted to make amends with her and start again.

“Then I went off to university” Nicky continued with a sigh “and it carried on there, I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to be left with my thoughts. They circled round in my head all the time when I was alone, thoughts of you and Maisy together and then me and you. Perhaps you could call it a coping mechanism, whenever I thought about our time together I just felt cheated and dirty.”

Chris put his arm around her shoulders, he was worried she might resist but instead she let herself rest against him however she still felt stiff in his arms. “You weren't dirty Nicky”

Nicky looked at him with watery eyes “but I was cheated wasn't I?”

He declined to answer; he didn't think it was necessary.

“I feel like such an idiot” Nicky wept “because now it's me that's cheating Boris isn't it. I'm here doing what I swore I would never do again”

“You're not a bad person Nicky” Chris murmured

“I am” she sobbed “I hurt people, I used to be a good person and then I changed. My heartbreak changed me and I turned into a whore. That's what I used to hear people say about me, but then when I met Boris he made me feel special like the way you did and I do love him for that and no it might not be as passionate and wonderful and well even as much as what I feel for you but don't you understand I have to marry him. I will hurt you Chris I know I will, I hurt everyone but I know I won't hurt Boris he can't be hurt by me and I know I can't be hurt by him”

“You're just scared of being hurt” Chris whispered wondering if she realised that she had referenced their love in present tense.

“No I'm not” Nicky wiped her eyes again “I've thought about that over the past two years but I know it's not that. I'm with him because I make him happy and I do love him in some way and he makes me happy and maybe not completely and truly happy but contented”

“You'd settle for just being contented?”

She looked at him with a surprised look “Of course, I have no other choice”

“Of course you have choices” Chris replied a bit too sharply than he had intended “I'm a choice, I'm here asking for another chance.”

Nicky stood slowly and paced the room again “You won't want me after what I've done”

He hugged her tightly and whispered in her ear “I don't care about what you've done I just care about you and what my heart says”

Chris hadn't intended to try and make her his that night but hell he hadn't expected to have her show up on his doorstep either, she was like a wounded child and he wanted to get things back on track. He wanted them to be how they were before and of course there would be a lot of things to work through before that happened but he knew they could be completely happy together if only she would take the first step closer to him. If only she could find the courage to do what her heart wanted.

Nicky looked up at him, was he serious? Did he really want to be with her? She had suspected that he wanted her but wanting someone and wanting to be with someone was very different. If he knew the person she was now he wouldn't want to be with her.

The day of Kevin's funeral she had hurt someone, someone who had cared for her very much and who she had not wanted to hurt, his name had been Edward. They had slept together the first night of university and had stayed friends but it had always been obvious that he had wanted more, not that he loved her but maybe wanted to see if they could have more, he had a crush on her she supposed. Kevin's funeral had been horrible, she’d had to sit in the pews of the church listening to everyone say about how much of a nice and kind man he was and how he would never hurt a fly and she had just been bursting in her seat wanting to shout out that they were wrong and what had happened to her but of course she didn't.

Afterwards she had made her way back to university but she had wanted to see a friendly face, for a change she hadn't intended on finding someone to have sex with that night all she had wanted was a chat with someone and perhaps a hug. When she arrived back Nicky immediately went to find Edward when she arrived at his rooms however he wasn't there, his roommate James had let her in and told her she could wait for Eddie to get back. It took only five minutes before Nicky had made her move, before she had kissed him