understanding joe, Johannes (joe) Krahn [best novels ever .txt] 📗

Prologue

  What am I writing this for? Who will even read it? Will it give meaning to anybody, or help anyone in any manner at all?

 

   Why should I care?

I don’t exist. You don´t exist. Yet, somehow we seem to exist within each other?

 

   We seems to all be connected somehow. The religious belief that we are connected through religion.

 

   I find it sad. To think, that the only thing keeping us together is hope for a better place. We share common goal of making it through this hell on Earth, so that we may travel to some sort of “dreamland”.

 

   Why are we put on hell first? And who is it that decides if it is hell or not? Who puts the standards up? Who is it that tells us where the grass is greener. Is it “GOD”? Why listen to him? What confirmation do we have of a “heaven”, or a “promise land”.

 

What we have is here, in front of us.

 

 

I haven´t always been in this state of mind that I´m currently in.

 

In fact, I have read the bible at least four times. There comes a point in everyone´s life, where they start to doubt. The meaning of their very existence doesn’t seem to give any more meaning. I am not sure why I ever picked up the bible. Probably felt pressured to be accepted by both my family and the southern way of living. At one point I called myself a Buddhist even.

 

I have spent the last twenty-one years finding myself, subconsciously at least. I guess it wasn´t before the biggest occurrences of my life had already occurred, that I started asking myself, if I was who I wanted to be, or if I had created the image I wanted to be seen in.

 

“Living the Life” that I had been raised to see as right, I was fooling myself. I had a job, a roof over my head, a child, and a fiancé. And living what most people would have looked at as a perfect life… but it wasn´t the right life. Not for me.

As if it had been destiny, my life, as I knew it to be, fell to pieces, or had it begun?

Death

Let´s start with the beginning. Fear.

 

Why do we all fear death. It is because of an uncertainty of what happens in the end. From the very start we all fear death. It effects what we do in our everyday. What we say, how we say it. What we do, and how we do it. How we live our lives. I see it every day. We lock ourselves inside this picture frame, thinking that we are living life. Pretending to be happy. We cheat and lie, kill and steal. Why? We are unsatisfied with what we are. Why Can´t we see this?

 

I am NOT a perfect person. This is not a happy story. If you had planned on reading a book on how to be happy, close this book and never pick it up again.

We exist. Do not question why. Just simply accept the fact of your own existence, and appreciate it.

 

Life sucks. That’s a fact. Our problem is that we can´t see past the negativity. It´s like walking in the dark without a flashlight. We freak out, and see things that are not there. It is all in our head. What we imagine to be real becomes real, because it is our own personal reality.

 

When you imagine a demon in the dark, do you not see a demon, and become afraid? Why not imagine loneliness? Why not accept the fact that we are alone, and always have been.

 

I see myself in every person. We are all made of flesh and blood. We all share a common fate. We´re born, we live, and we die. Why do we separate ourselves from the equation to become something different?

 

Why not embrace the fact that we all have a common goal that is to be happy, and rather help each other. I´m not telling you to help one another become what is your own personal idea on what happiness is. Open yourself to new ideas, thoughts and theories. We share a common goal, but never will it be the same goal. We are the same person down in the core, but we all are different people.

 

Me

 

It will not ever matter who I am. Ever.

I am you, and you are I. Focus on yourself. Help yourself. What do you want, and how do you get there.

 

Remember these words:

 

Love.

Patience.

Giving in.

Acceptance.

Understanding.

Truthfulness.

Loneliness.

Shadow.

Hope.

 

These things are the Hardest to accept, the hardest to see. We torture ourselves everyday. Looking for what we seek. Seeking what we want. Having needs, and wishes. Forget it all. Forget what you think you are, and remember what you truly are.

 

Life is a test, and we are put here to accomplish death.

 

Life without regret, and despair is pointless. Our darker selves are absolutely necessary in order to see light. Do you think we would ever be able to see light unless the Darkness was here? No. Everything would be grey. One big kettle of grey flavorless mashed potatoes.

 

         Ask yourself again why we fear life. Why do we fear the rich flavor that is life? Why should we fear death and torture ourselves throughout life?

 

Personal Awakening

 

   So whom is this asshole telling you how you should live your life? You are probably asking yourself about now.

 

     I am God. I am NOT your god, in any way.

 

If you found that offensive, put this book down and pick it up again when you feel the time is right and re-read the start.

 

    What is God? Where is God? Who is God? Why is God? When is God? How is God?

 

No.

 

Stop thinking.

 

 I did not create you. I did not create myself

Mom and Dad did obviously. What I have created is my own reality. And how I choose to be, and live my life.

 

My life started 07.04.93. I am not old. I am young. This is where most of you close your book, and laugh at my words. That´s because you stuck in this bad habit you call “life”. I have no habits. Accept for love I guess.

 

So, where to start?

 

I was about ten years old when I moved to the other side of the world. We left everything we knew, and started our lives in the little country of Norway. I didn’t have any opinion on the move, on the outside that is. On the inside I was crying.

 

My grandmother (Mimi) inspired me so much with her presence. Every day. We would tell ghost stories, spend time at the arcade, and learn about life.

 

Don´t get me wrong now, I have many sources of inspiration, but that’s where it all starts. When I was about three months old, my father left. It´s ok. It was part of his path, and I know that now. Around two years later my sister is born. The most beautiful little thing I know, but we´ll get back to that later.

 

We moved around a lot, in different places in the US trying to find the place we could call home. There is nothing wrong with that, and I see that now. I am not saying that I have never experienced the stability of a family home over longer periods of time; I have had my years of being the average child. But we ended up in Norway my family and I.

 

I had always had trouble with reality, thinking that life was a big joke that I was put in it for being mocked at. I am sure some of you can relate, and if you can´t you have been blind to the world. It IS shit. That’s just the way it is.

 

One day I met a girl, whom I thought was the love of my life, by this time I was about eighteen.

 

Just like every other teenager, I fought with my family over silly things that never really mattered, but mattered to me at the time. It really just depends on what I perceive to be important. So I move out. I followed my soul and went on my path.

 

I later found out that my family actually had a problem with me leaving, and felt rather abandoned. That´s not my problem, neither has it ever been. I am on my own path, not theirs. How can you truly say you love someone, and keep him or her from following the stars?

 

      

 

 Tip to parents and people in general: No one person is ever wrong; they are in a process of doing something bigger.

 

     

 

On I went. Following my stars. Got engaged. Made my home. Work. Sleep. Eat. You know the story. Was I ever happy? Yes.

 

I was oblivious to the world. Blinded by society, and what I think I should be. I had painted my picture, and I was living within it. Doing what I felt was right.

 

16.04.2012. The most beautiful day of my life so far. Lilly is born. My daughter. I cried my eyes out the first time I saw her. Pure, and beautiful. Being a musician all my life, Her cry was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard. Her laugh is healing. Her eyes sparkling, and presence necessary.

 

         Yes I was extremely happy even though her mother and I had quite a few rough patches. But like mentioned a bit earlier. This is not a happy story.

 

         Never did it get to the point of being physical, but it was not a good experience. I believe this