Dating & Courtship, Stephen Picklesimer [e textbook reader TXT] 📗

and another builds thereon. But let every man take heed how he builds thereupon. For other foundation can no man lay than that is laid, which is Jesus Christ. Now if any man build upon THIS FOUNDATION gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, stubble; Every man’s work shall be made manifest: for the day shall declare it, because it shall be revealed by fire; and the fire shall try every man’s work of what sort it is” (I Cor. 3:10-13).
What you have learned to this point is PRECIOUS KNOWLEDGE. We could ask: Are you determined, in any potential relationship, to build with gold, silver and precious stones?

Chapter Five – TRUE LOVE—AND HOW IT RELATES TO DATING
We have seen that when Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, they cut humanity off from God. Therefore, mankind is also cut off from the SOURCE of real love. As a result, because millions lack God’s revealed knowledge of what is true love, the feeling they have is only a feeling!
You need no longer be ignorant of this. God created men and women with the ability to love and be loved—and He wants them to experience this in their lives. You can find true love in a relationship—and we have seen that it is far different than simple infatuation—but to do this you must first understand what it is!
Love Defined
The New Testament uses two different Greek words generally translated “love.” One is found in Colossians 3:19, where husbands are commanded, “love your wives.” Here, the word “love” derives from the Greek word agape. This word means the LOVE OF GOD, and to understand the fullest love that can be shared between a man and a woman, we must first know what the love of God is.
One must accept that men’s opinions do not count! The Bible is the sole authority. Now how does God’s Word define His love?
John wrote, “FOR THIS IS THE LOVE OF GOD, THAT WE KEEP HIS COMMANDMENTS: and His commandments are not grievous” (I John 5:3). Previously, we have talked about love and we have talked about God’s Law, but we have now established how they are connected. The Bible plainly defines the greatest love as the keeping of God’s commandments. Sadly, while every professing Christian wants to experience the love of God, most believe that the commandments are grievous—and harsh!—and would say that this law was done away by Christ’s sacrifice.
Is it any wonder that the state of dating, courtship and marriage today is in such confusion, yielding so many tragic results and ruining so many lives? What hope could any marriage have without understanding and having access to the love of God?
Recognize that the COMMANDMENTS and the LAW are the same. Notice how Paul amplified what John wrote: “Love works no ill to his neighbor: therefore LOVE IS THE FULFILLING OF THE LAW” (Rom. 13:10). Once again, love is defined here as “the fulfilling of the law.” Obedience to the Ten Commandments fulfills the Law—and it is this that “works no ill to his neighbor.”
Remember that the Bible speaks of “the Holy Spirit, [which] God has given to them that OBEY Him” (Acts 5:32). True Christians obey God’s spiritual Law. Jesus never taught that we need merely “believe on Him” to be saved. When asked what one must “do” to have “eternal life”—be SAVED—Jesus did not say, “Just believe on Me.” He said, “If you will enter into life, keep the commandments” (Matt. 19:17). Now read how having the Holy Spirit is directly connected to the love of God: “…the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Spirit which is given unto us” (Rom. 5:5)—but only if we obey God!
Where is the harshness in a law God equates to love? The “sentimental fluff” standards of the various humanly-defined forms of so-called “love” mean nothing to God. As with sin, only God can define real love!
Once again, commandment-keeping demonstrates out-flowing, selfless concern for others!
Consider God’s greatest gift to mankind, which has been reduced to little more than a religious slogan: “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life” (John 3:16).
Recognize that God is the only Source of true love, and only through His Word—the Holy Bible—can we find exactly what constitutes true love between a man and a woman.
Returning to the Greek
As mentioned, two words were translated “love” in the New Testament. The Greeks recognized that there were different forms of love, and by understanding these two words, plus a third Greek word (not found in the New Testament) that can also be translated “love,” we can better understand the love one must strive for in relationships.
The next New Testament word translated “love” is philia, the root word for “Philadelphia,” meaning “brotherly love.” This love is between brothers, friends or comrades—a physical love of companionship and friendship. Parents and children, siblings and close friends all share this type of love in their relationships.
But the Greeks also had a third word for love, eros. You may recognize the English word erotic, which is derived from it. Eros is romantic, sexual love between husband and wife, but it is NOT lust! Remember, it is a form of love, which God designed to be the pinnacle of physical pleasure when expressed in a marriage relationship between husband and wife, the only proper place for it.
Clearly, eros is not wrong, but it should never be the only form of love in a marriage. Sadly, however, most couples have no idea that marriage cannot be based solely on romantic love. This excludes both of the much deeper forms of love that couples can go on to experience. While romance and sex certainly bring some happiness and closeness in a marriage, and this is not to be understated, this is not enough to make the relationship truly fulfilling—or for it even to last.
Grasp this! Though the love of friendship and companionship is vital, both philia and eros are—and can only be—practiced on the physical level.
Before delving deeper into the meaning of eros, let’s first see the kind of love the Bible instructs spouses to have toward one another: “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it” (Eph. 5:25). The love referenced here, as with so many other scriptures, is agape. God expresses this love to mankind SPIRITUALLY through His Holy Spirit working in converted minds. Recall Romans 5:5.
Agape is not merely a FEELING, although it can involve various feelings. It is a conscious, controlled way of thinking. It is absolutely crucial to recognize that the natural, carnal mind, lacking God’s Spirit, simply cannot experience this kind of love—and neither can any marriage that leaves God out of the picture!
All three forms of love are important, and vital, for the bond of marriage to remain strong—and to endure. But remember, these three are vastly different. Philia is the love within friendships. Eros is the love expressed through romance and sex. Agape is the most critical and important love—SPIRITUAL love. (Take time to study I Corinthians 13, often described as the “love chapter.” It expands on the many specific attributes of agape.)
Some marriages never get beyond eros. Others grow to involve a genuine philia for one another. But marriages—and any other relationships—that reach the pinnacle of supreme happiness have graduated to agape, the greatest form of love.
While the first two may, over time, come naturally to a relationship, agape is not natural in human beings. This is truly the dimension of which the world knows nothing.
Recognizing True Love
Again, what is true love? We have learned that it is a selfless, sharing, out-flowing concern for others that is founded on the way of GIVE. This love involves putting one’s own feelings and interests aside to better see—and serve—the needs and feelings of others.
Remember, God is love. Although man is and always has been hostile toward Him, God still gave His only Son to redeem humanity. This is why Christ said, “Greater LOVE has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13).
Understand the enormity of this gift. If Christ had not succeeded in His goal when He was human, the Father would have been utterly alone for all eternity, having no one remaining except the angels with whom to share His love!
Because God is love, He desires ALL to have—to experience—the same love He experiences! As one submits to God, repents and is baptized, he gains access to God through His Holy Spirit. As this love flows through the newly converted, it will flow into his relationships throughout his lifetime.
Grasp this all-important point. This love overarches absolutely everything having to do with dating and courtship. True love is UNSELFISH. It is not an emotional high (although it certainly involves emotions). It combines both outgoing concern and genuine affection for the other person in a relationship. But it must always continue to extend further—to include every other human being.
Many songs croon of “love at first sight.” One describes “strangers in the night exchanging glances, wondering at first sight, what were the chances they’d be sharing love before the night was through.” Others speak of gazing “across a crowded room,” somehow able to “know” they have just “fallen in love.” But can this truly happen on a genuine level? NO! Instead, there can only be desire—LUST—at first sight! Based upon appearance, one may be attracted to someone across a room but a relationship founded on this alone is wrong, and will never work.
One simply cannot fall in love at first sight, although one can GROW over time to deeply love a person. This develops out of mutual admiration and respect for one another, and involves, as we will learn, much thought and careful analysis.
Do Not Be Deceived!
I have counseled teenage couples who sincerely believed that they were “in love.” While perhaps only 18 or 19, they were convinced that they would someday marry each other. Guided by their human reasoning, these teens sought to validate their feelings in what were inappropriate relationships. Even after hearing real love explained, they continued deceiving themselves into believing they were “sharing” and “giving”—that they were practicing unselfishness—true love. They “knew” they loved each other, and only wished others would understand.
Teens are generally incapable of analyzing their motives in a relationship, either until it has failed, a pregnancy or disease has resulted, or virginity has been lost and disillusionment has entered—in other words, when it is TOO LATE! For some, even these are not enough to jolt them to reality.
Human nature could be described as an onion with a rotten core. Each layer of skin is a different motive, and while the upper layer seems fine (in this case, supposed “true love”), one must be willing to shed each layer in order to see what is at the core. Any two teenagers who sincerely think they are in love must analyze the motive behind the motive, and honestly acknowledge the basis of their relationship—INFATUATION driven by LUST!
Notice what the Creator God states about your feelings—and your heart: “The HEART is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” (Jer. 17:9). And recall again an earlier reference, “There is a way which SEEMS right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death” (Prov. 14:12).
If you are a teen and feel—“know!”—that you are in love, BEWARE! Notice: “The way of a FOOL is right in his own eyes: but he that hearkens [listens] unto counsel is wise” (Prov. 12:15). Take time to periodically reread these three passages, and remind yourself to honestly face the facts and