Dating & Courtship, Stephen Picklesimer [e textbook reader TXT] 📗

converted (age 18 to 20 at the earliest), he or she should not date one-on-one. With rare exceptions, group dating is the only way one should date before conversion. Remember—to think that serious dating one-on-one is proper before baptism is tantamount to telling God that you do not need His guidance in the second most important decision (after conversion) in every person’s life—choosing the mate with whom you plan to spend the rest of your physical life.
There could be an unusual, very rare exception to dating prior to conversion. For example, a teenager could escort (or be escorted by) someone to a Church activity or a special, one-time school function. But all the principles in this book must be remembered during such unique occasions.
Age 18 is the absolute soonest that people should consider dating one-on-one, with 19 to 20 a better age to start this activity. Whatever the age this begins, it is vital to have already laid a foundation of much exposure, in all kinds of settings, to those of the opposite sex. There should be a certain comfort level in place first—before one-on-one dating. Otherwise, the danger grows that the more shy, timid or nervous-type person will quickly pair off with either the first person with whomever he or she is comfortable or whoever pays him or her attention. I have seen this often.
Through casual group dating, you will be able to overcome nervousness and learn to relax and naturally respond to those of the opposite sex, and you will be able to evaluate later dating situations more realistically. This will also prove immensely beneficial when moving on to the more serious step of courting.
More About Group Dating
Teenagers today have no idea of the danger of one-on-one dating. But how does this differ from group dating? Is it crucial that one come before the other?
One-on-one dating ultimately leads to marriage. Before this, it usually leads to some level of attachment. While many are not willing to accept this, they are certainly willing to realize that one-on-one dating—in today’s society—almost always leads to some sort of physical, emotional, and sexual relationship.
There was a time, just a few decades ago, when teen marriages abounded. Today, this is less common—people tend to wait longer for marriage. Yet, that does not stop couples from doing the same as couples did during the time when teen marriages were more common—dating one-on-one, which leads them to “going steady” while, at the same time, not yet wanting to be married.
This in turn leads to a wide range of problems. However, there are far fewer temptations in group dating situations.
What then is group dating? It is simply several people of similar age getting together and participating in some sort of activity. It is the perfect opportunity to apply all the principles that we will cover in this chapter.
The world has no comprehension of the numerous benefits of group dating—that this is a way to build both your own personality and those of others around you. During the teen years, young people are not ready to date one-on-one. If they do, they are cheating themselves and others out of the opportunity to grow and become better people. Enjoy these times spent with several others, applying all the principles discussed to develop yourself as fully as you are able.
God’s Way is always the best! His Law is for our benefit. You must come to deeply believe that these laws work.
Going Steady
Before going further, it is critical to discuss the implications—and DANGERS—of “going steady,” now more often referred to as “going out.” This trend is accepted as a veritable way of a life by society. Yet, it is wrong and produces much untold misery.
It has been said, “Be careful who you spend too much time with—you tend to marry her (or him).” Ready for it or not, steady dating will eventually lead to marriage. Such couples tend to just fall forward into this next seemingly natural step.
Clearly, one of the purposes of dating is to find the right person to marry! There is that “best one” out there (actually it is more accurate to say that there is a best “type” for you out there), and God will provide that special person when the time is right. But, once again, only by waiting for God’s selection and timing—and dating widely in the meantime—will you know that you have found the best possible person!
Millions preclude themselves from receiving this central benefit of right dating!
So many begin to go steady through high school, and some on into and through college, thinking they have found the right person. But, because of immaturity, and because they are not letting God guide them, they cannot possibly know with certainty.
First, we must ask, why do teenagers go steady? Often, due to peer pressure and changes in themselves, teenagers are extremely insecure, and they go steady to gain a sense of security. It is the easy way out of wondering or worrying who you will take—or who will ask you to go—to the next movie, school dance, party, sports event, etc. It provides a “built-in date” for all social occasions.
Directly related to security is the status symbol attached to a steady boyfriend or girlfriend—or being part of the “in crowd.”
Obviously, as we have seen, teens also go steady because of their lower level of emotional maturity. It is clearly much easier than asking for dates and much easier than conversing and interacting with someone new. Going steady enables teens to cover up shyness and bashfulness. It is also “cheaper” to go steady (unless pregnancy results!), because you stop worrying about “putting your best foot forward”—trying to impress the other person. (However, dating should never be solely about impressing the other person, anyway.)
In addition, most who go steady never stop to ask, “If I haven’t dated widely, how can I possibly know if I love this person?—if we fit together?” Yet, foolishly, so many with no experience believe they are “in love.”
Going steady is the lazy, selfish, foolish, short-sighted and dangerous method of dating. It eliminates the opportunity for a host of vital aspects of social development.
Of course, going steady among teens invariably seems to mean premarital sex. Acting on selfish desires of the moment, this is a decision to steal from the happiness of your future marriage, including stealing from your future mate—and from both parties in the future marriage of your momentary sex partner.
While boys may not admit it, they know that going steady over a longer period of time makes it much easier to convince a girl to compromise sexually. Inhibitions tend to disappear with familiarity.
Determine to always demonstrate the necessary willpower to make the right choice NOW instead of choosing “to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season” (Heb. 11:25).
There is another serious potential side effect of going steady for a long time: Even without fornication, if you spend all your time with that person, you will inevitably later compare your future spouse to him or her.
Also, the emotional distress of a breakup—or several breakups—at a young age can also distort your overall view of the opposite sex. Here is the biggest—and almost entirely unseen—problem in this. Consider. It has been said that “early dating leads to early marriages, which lead to early divorces.” Each steady-dating breakup functions like a miniature divorce, making each additional “divorce” easier. A lifelong pattern can develop from what seemed so harmless in the teen years.
If you are a teen in a “steady” relationship, you probably feel your situation is different. You probably think that you love each other. Yet, if this were true, you would immediately break it off. You would wait until you were both able to properly develop the relationship and, more importantly, until God shows you that He is guiding it, which will be done on His timetable not yours!
Dating—The Lost Art
Most would scoff at the idea that dating is an ART. However, this is largely because it has become a lost art. Generally speaking, there are simply no common guidelines or principles governing modern dating. Driven primarily by impulses of the moment, people fall into shallow ruts, doing what they feel passes the test of peer pressure.
In generations past, parents taught their children what to do on dates—and what not to do. Parents imposed rules involving dress, where teenagers could go, what was permissible and what was not and when to be home. And these rules were enforced. In addition, young people were taught how to conduct themselves, the problems of going steady, and the dangers of premarital sex and alcohol, and of falling in with the wrong crowd. (In a tragic and telling commentary on society today, the “wrong crowd” has seemingly become the only crowd.) They were also taught to respect the other person—boys were to be gentlemen, and this meant treating girls like ladies, because these girls were being taught to conduct themselves like ladies.
Such teaching included proper etiquette, the difference between good and bad manners. Just watching young people eat today can be a painful experience, a veritable assault on the senses of older people. (So many today slump over and eat like hogs slopping at a trough!) There was a time when people understood that manners mattered, and those who lacked them did not get to the second date!
I recall the teaching—even “coaching”—that my parents gave me in the 1960s, when, terrified, I went on my first date to a dance. My older male cousin helped me with certain dance steps, including how far apart to stand from the young lady I was escorting. I did not date often, but when I returned home, as a rule, I had to give an account of the date to my parents. They wanted and enjoyed hearing “particulars,” and I enjoyed discussing these evenings with them.
It is obvious that most parents today have taken the position of politician, instead of being a teacher of their children. So many have caved into the easy path of “running a popularity contest” with their children or teens, because they are told, “Other parents don’t make their kids do that.” Unfortunately, such statements are generally true. It takes tremendous courage and conviction—and staying power!—for parents to go against the grain in order to teach their children the true values of effective, purposeful dating. When I mentioned other parents, my parents continually reminded me, “But you don’t have other parents. You have us!”
Dating truly has become a LOST ART, but you can learn to do it! You cannot imagine the benefits—to you and others—that will come with the proper form of dating. It is meant to be an opportunity not only for fun, recreation and exercise, but also to learn about people, to develop social graces and etiquette, and to develop yours and others’ personalities, among other purposes.
Conversation—The Other Lost Art
The ability to communicate effectively is one of the most important skills to acquire, and dating provides a perfect means to develop it! Being able to communicate effectively will benefit you in countless ways in every facet of life—for the rest of your life. It will build friendships, open doors and help you succeed in the workplace.
The art of communication takes practice. It takes time to learn to accurately and tactfully express yourself, and to communicate well with others. Socializing on group and single dates will certainly help you acquire this ability. Most people use the same words, terms and phrases over and over, generally because they never learned to develop their vocabulary. They continually fall back on weak expressions. Here are just a few things people say when they do not know what to say next—do not know how to respond with something of meaning or value: “You know, okay?”, “really!”, “yeah, right, you know what