Dating & Courtship, Stephen Picklesimer [e textbook reader TXT] 📗

I’m saying?”, “like…, uh-huh, whatever, and what not, totally!” and “sure?!”
Learn to express your thoughts with color and enthusiasm, and try to expand your vocabulary by learning and using new words. You will discover that others can find you interesting, and even fascinating, to talk to. Believe me—you will stand out to those who THINK!
Perhaps most important, strive to become an attentive and active listener. This involves giving others the opportunity to express themselves and showing sincere interest in what they have to say. Learning the skill of being a good listener is probably the most important aspect of right communication. You will be surprised at how many consider you an excellent conversationalist when you primarily just LISTENED. The biblical admonishment “Be swift to hear and slow to speak” (Jms. 1:19) has more than one application, and will work wonders in conversations.
Dates are opportunities to share clean, wholesome ideas. Ask questions about your date’s background. Discuss interests, travels, hobbies and world news, among other things. Although it goes against today’s societal norms, the man should strive to take the lead in conversation and try to make the woman feel at ease. However, this does not mean ladies should just sit back, not actively participating, taking an “entertain me” approach. Both parties should strive to be active and interested in making the date a learning experience.
Most dates today are not edifying or uplifting. The universal first date seems to be little more adventurous than “Let’s go to a movie.”
This greatly limits the potential for conversation—for getting to know one another. We have already discussed another common dating environment—the club scene—that is hardly an atmosphere conducive to stimulating conversation. Without conversation, in any setting, it is much easier to default into other activities (primarily sex, overdrinking and drug use, but also, especially with teens, just plain trouble) and it is impossible to learn much about the person with whom you are spending time.
Not only was dating once seen as a chance to build social skills and graces, but it also served as an opportunity to grow intellectually. This is virtually absent today, particularly among those who are younger. Rarely anymore are dates mentally uplifting or interesting. Today, the idea of actually sitting across from another person (of either sex) and holding a truly interesting, let alone fascinating, discussion covering complex topics is foreign to most young people, and most young adults.
Once Upon a Time…
Not so long ago, families and lives were very different from those of today. Before radio, television, movies, computers, telephones (let alone cellphones) and the endless variety of shallow magazines available today, people had much more time for other things. They usually learned more boardgames, played cards, enjoyed nature and talked more around the dinner table, usually for long periods.
For the educated, there was once a strong emphasis on doing a tremendous amount of reading, particularly of longer books. This greatly enhanced people’s ability to converse across a wide range of diverse ideas and thought. People were familiar with famous authors, philosophy, world history, geography, current events and world conditions, great leaders, and so much more—and their discussions reflected depth.
Remember, for the first approximately 5,900 years of man’s existence on earth, none of the modern tools of communication and entertainment existed. This means that the only lifestyle today’s young people know only began to develop just a little over 100 years ago. It means that people have almost no idea—no concept—of how the vast majority of humanity lived—and talked—for almost six millennia!
Tragically, and partially as a result of this overall lifestyle change, an even worse condition afflicts young people of the modern age. Many have grown up not even having been taught to think, let alone talk, about anything of depth. Obviously, this is because most people no longer read very much, including any of the important parts of a newspaper—let alone books or even news magazines. As a result, conversations too often quickly turn to a kind of shallow “he said, she said” gossip session, with an emphasis on updating each other about what other people may or may not be doing.
So much conversation today offers little more edifying information than would a soap opera or sitcom. All of this is not by accident. As we have previously discussed, most people today seem to live their lives as though they are scripted from soap operas—hopelessly trapped within the trivial and the superficial. The reservoir of knowledge and experience from which they should be able to draw is either nearly empty, or does not even exist.
A wise man once said, “Big minds talk about IDEAS, average minds talk about things, and little minds talk about people.” Which of these describes you? If you are in either of the latter two categories, determine to change this—and be prepared to have to spend some time learning to do so!
Plan Your Dates
Dating should be an enjoyable activity for all involved. Of course, an important goal in every date is to have a good time. But (and this may be surprising) if you are truly dedicated to providing a nice time for the other person—or others present in a group situation—and this takes planning—you may actually benefit the most!
Do not neglect to plan your dates. This takes some effort, but it is important that you take time to do this. Not only will you be glad you did, you will not find yourself falling into what so many practice today: When the date arrives, instead of taking the lead as he should, the man asks, “What should we do?” While the man could at least occasionally solicit the woman in advance for ideas—for things she may enjoy—something specific should always be pre-planned.
Think of ideas and generate plans that will be enjoyable for everyone—going for a hike, playing some kind of sport (bowling, tennis, swimming, skiing, sledding, etc.), touring a museum or historical site, taking a walk, visiting the zoo, going to dinner, and many other interesting and uplifting possibilities. Again, remember to not just fall into going to the latest movie, in part because most movies today virtually assault the senses—and have no real worth or value.
Try to make your dates educational as well. Of course, this does not mean that you need to do something like studying archeology or the history of aviation at a museum on every date. But you should try to help others at least learn something while also striving to increase your fund of knowledge whenever you have the chance. You will also learn much more about your date.
Education and recreation are two important aspects of any schooling. Teachers understand the need for this, and it should not stop when school is out and dating begins.
Also be sure to be relaxed and to try to enjoy yourself. Remember again that, as you are just beginning to date, your focus must not be to get serious with anyone. Instead, you are dating to enjoy an activity with the opposite sex.
Personality
Developing your personality is another wonderful benefit of dating, and this should be one of your goals. As you date widely with a variety of people, you not only get to know different personalities, but you also learn to understand them. As you talk and spend time with various individuals, you will observe aspects of their personalities, and you will learn to deal with certain idiosyncrasies in people. While you may conclude that you do not want to date seriously a particular person, you will still benefit from wide exposure to many types of people, and you will probably notice certain character traits that you may wish to emulate.
Learn to be comfortable around the opposite sex. Obviously, you will be most drawn to those of a certain personality, but be careful to avoid a cliquish pattern. Throw yourself into unfamiliar situations and plan dates that will force you to converse. Every man has something to offer every woman, and vice-versa.
Unfortunately, society today seems to be in a continual “battle of the sexes.” Due to the emphasis of modern psychology and the enduring falsehood of evolution, there now exists a kind of gulf of “mystery” between men and women. Both sexes are led to believe that they cannot truly figure each other out. This is utterly false—and it makes it too easy for anyone to say to those of the opposite sex, “You don’t understand me.”
Ask: Would God design men and women so that they could not understand each other? Evolution might. God would not! While psychologists and other “experts” may not be able to understand the most crucial differences between men and women—because they ignore God’s Instruction Manual—you can! However, be careful not to assume too much in this area. Set out to understand the opposite sex. Becoming acquainted with various types of people will help you understand the psychological differences between men and women, and this will be of utmost value when you do marry.
Apart from appreciating anatomical differences, learn to recognize and genuinely enjoy the many other differences between men and women. At the same time, be careful not to stereotype “all men” or “all women” into a pattern that may not universally apply.
Men are designed to understand women. How else will they successfully lead a woman for life, and help her achieve her wonderful human potential? Conversely, a woman had also better be able to understand her husband, or how will she be able to similarly inspire him? Further, without properly understanding each other’s differing roles, how would couples work toward the mutual growth, benefit and success of their children, once marriage arrives?
While there are obvious differences between men and women, there need not be a communication gap—or a gap in understanding one another.
Sadly, OUTWARD APPEARANCE is often the sole determining factor in choosing a date. If someone is physically attractive, he or she seems to have a much better chance of dating others (the assumption seeming to be that such people’s personality and character must also be more attractive). However, this again focuses on the physical—and the “get” way of thinking. Most often, the “average-looking” men or women have the better personalities—and more character, mixed with less vanity. This is because they have not been as inclined to spend a lifetime focused on themselves and their “good looks.”
A good personality involves a positive outlook on life. It includes a genuine interest in others and attentiveness to them, as well as a good sense of humor, enthusiasm and adaptability. One who has a good personality is versatile—flexible—able to interact with all types of people with a wide range of interests.
The practice of “going steady” does not develop one’s personality. When done too early, a wonderful opportunity is lost. As explained, having a steady boyfriend or girlfriend puts a person into a comfort zone that restricts the vital ongoing development of personality. Personalities should be vibrant, alive and interesting to the point of fascinating to be around. Pairing off too early is hardly conducive to such vitally important personality development.
You will find that as you date more widely, certain personalities will appeal to you—certain attributes will automatically be more or less attractive to you. You will learn how others view entertainment, clothing, world events, etc. And you will learn, period!
When you date, try to be kind, gentle and considerate. These are personality traits that can always be improved, and dating is an extraordinary opportunity to develop these important characteristics.
In the end, dating is a tremendous opportunity to change—to IMPROVE!—your personality! It is also, at least in part, a character-building activity. And these two aspects of every person are interwoven—your character is invariably reflected in some aspects of your personality, and vice-versa.
Determine to become a better date—the result will be both improved personality and improved character!
Social Graces
Even a cursory glance at most