Dating & Courtship, Stephen Picklesimer [e textbook reader TXT] 📗
- Author: Stephen Picklesimer
Book online «Dating & Courtship, Stephen Picklesimer [e textbook reader TXT] 📗». Author Stephen Picklesimer
and modestly, with dignity? A woman should be naturally concerned about her appearance, yet never in a way that is vain (Prov. 31:30).
Women: Keep your trust firmly in God. Because the man takes the lead in asking for dates, the woman must recognize that it takes real, enduring faith to believe a godly man will be sent to her. The wise woman knows that “taking matters into her own hands” would ultimately backfire. She patiently waits for God to intervene on her behalf.
Are you kind, patient, cultured? Do you have an attractive personality that you are constantly striving to build—to polish? Are you continually happy and joyful, and, if not, are you striving to be?
What is your overall GOAL? Do you wish to be the best wife possible when the time comes for marriage? Apply these principles of femininity. Take the time to read, study and possibly write out Proverbs 31—the “virtuous woman” chapter. Most of all, enjoy the fact that you are a woman—and that one day a special man will appreciate you for it!
What About Remarriage?
Some special instruction is important here. This may be your second time around looking for a mate. If so, all the principles in this book are still relevant, although many may need slight modification for obvious reasons, and depending upon the uniqueness of your circumstances. But, whether you are age 25 or 50, all are still applicable.
People hoping to remarry can bring a host of issues to potential new relationships. They must address whether only one or both interested parties have been married before. If only the man has been married before, this is one kind of circumstance. If only the woman has been, this is another. Be certain to discuss your previous marriage(s) with your prospective mate. While you do not need to go into highly specific or excruciating detail, the matter has to be one of open discussion between you, including all marriages (and long-term live-in relationships) that a couple may have experienced.
Since you have been married before, you must be willing to ask yourself what went wrong and what fault or faults may lie with you from your first experience. Where can you improve? Focus on weaknesses or shortcomings you may have. Learn from past mistakes. When a marriage fails, it never means that one person was perfect and the other single-handedly ruined the relationship. In all likelihood, whether you were the initiator or recipient of divorce action, you played some role in the demise of the marriage.
Of course, you must also face additional considerations.
Has the other party been married before? Will he or she be able to understand you if you have? Will you be able to set aside your previous relationship, good and bad experiences, truly understanding that you are starting over in every sense? If the person marrying you has never been married before, are you willing to wait for this person to “catch up” with certain aspects of marriage with which you are experienced and he or she is not? Are you prepared to recognize that there may come moments when you both are simply “on a different page”? What will you do when this happens? Are you prepared to be flexible and tolerant at such times?—or are you considering building the proverbial “bridge too far”?
The circumstances that ended your previous marriage, as well as how long ago it ended, also play a role. It may have ended for any one of several reasons, with each carrying its own implications: Your spouse left you; you left your spouse (and, of course, a host of different reasons could possibly come into play—infidelity, alcoholism, etc.); death of a spouse by accident; death of a spouse after a protracted, agonizing illness; loss of a child, with which one or both of you could not cope; bankruptcy, etc.
Here is the point: All such circumstances bear consideration. For better or worse, whatever happened affected you. These could, and probably to one degree or another will, have an impact on your future marriage. But this does not mean that they are automatic strikes against you or factors that “knock out” a potential relationship.
Another factor that could be driving the desire to remarry is that you are lonely. Perhaps you have memories of love and companionship that are pulling you prematurely back into marriage, setting you up to enter another wrong relationship. Be careful not to permit loneliness to rush or push you into a second marriage.
“And I Have Children!”
Also, with the second time around, or because of children born out of wedlock, either one or both people could be bringing children into the marriage. You could soon become a step-parent. Can you handle this (with either younger or adult children coming into your life), and are you preparing yourself for this reality, particularly if it is happening later in life? Just as important, is your prospective spouse prepared for your children (and perhaps grandchildren)?
Get to know all the children in the picture, and include them on some outings during both dating and courtship. Talk with them and help them understand what is happening. But never allow them to dictate the circumstances, let alone the outcome!
A whole host of complicating factors—all important to consider—can come into play with such couples. A “yours and ours” arrangement and a “mine and ours” arrangement are different from what could become a “yours, mine and ours” situation later. And then there is the question of whether you will permit the other person to help “rear” what are “your children.” Also, will he or she want to help you? There must be agreement on the matter of how the children should be reared as part of a joint effort, with both spouses understanding the need to work together in all situations. All these are absolutely crucial issues. They MUST be resolved, at least in principle, in advance of marriage.
Another related point for consideration is that if only one person has had children, this party may feel that he or she is “through” with having more. Is this agreeable to both parties? If one seems willing to “bend,” is this being done largely against his or her will? It is absolutely vital that this matter also be understood and worked out well before any wedding plans.
And Finally…
It is critical that those considering remarriage do not try to makeover a potential new spouse in the image of a previous husband or wife. That marriage is behind you—FOREVER! The person or persons you were married to were unique human beings. So is the person that you may now be considering for courtship and marriage. It is critical you both recognize that you have come to be in love with each other, not merely in love with the idea of reliving a memory. Chasing the past is fraught with problems and is a hope that can never be. If you have not yet fully accepted that there is no way to return to or relive the past, you are not ready to date seriously, let alone remarry.
We are now ready to discuss the most serious stage of dating—COURTSHIP!
Chapter Eight –ADVANCING TO COURTSHIP
To this point, we have almost exclusively discussed dating. But what about courting? Every relationship reaches a point at which the couple will either become more interested, and want to pursue a more serious relationship, or they will decide that they are not seriously attracted to each other, and will (or should) agree to “just be friends.”
There is no specific moment when you suddenly find yourself “courting.” However, as dating becomes more involved, and as a person becomes more seriously interested in that one other person, there is a transition period when the couple goes from dating to courting. It should generally not occur like the flipping of a switch, as with engagement, but rather like the gradual turning up of a light on a rheostat.
Prior to this point, it is a mistake to believe that dating is done exclusively with one person. There is a process during which you slowly progress from dating many different people in one-on-one settings to perhaps thinking someone is particularly interesting, and choosing to date her (or him) a few more times, in order to determine that she is the person you want to more seriously pursue. This process could take months, many months, or even years, depending on how quickly you find someone compatible with you at all levels. (This phase could be preceded by having narrowed your dating down to two or three possible candidates for marriage.) It is at this final stage, however, that courtship begins, and you only date that one person from that point forward.
But reaching the stage of courtship should never mean that a couple has already decided to get married. They have merely reached the stage where more serious exploration of what has already become a mutual interest should occur.
There are many important things to evaluate as you begin to court. This is really the point at which you begin to consider a person as a possible lifelong mate. Using wisdom and judgment is crucial before getting too emotionally involved. Following is a series of areas for couples to consider after having become more interested. In essence, courtship is the decision to take the next step—a more serious step, but not the FINAL step!
Seeking God’s Way
Return for a moment to the starting point. The best way to pick the BEST PERSON for you is to not pick at all—to leave the decision in God’s hands! His ways and understanding are infinitely better than ours (Isa. 55:8), and He is the only One who can lead you to the right person!
But you must be willing to do your part.
In a sense, God’s way of dating is a natural process—you will naturally enjoy being with certain types of people more than others. But this natural feeling of comfort and discomfort with certain types of personalities will come, only if you have made it a goal to date widely before ever considering a serious relationship. By the time you are ready to court (if you have followed God’s way), you will be successful in finding a mate.
Finding and choosing a mate is a process best left to God’s overall direction. You cannot know if you have found the “right one” unless you have (figuratively speaking) allowed God to take you by the hand, and lead you to him or her—and He will if you let Him! Remember, God’s Spirit will not guide you if you are unwilling to wait until the right time to even begin thinking about the right person. Be willing to let God activate your mind! Allow Him to cause you to react to—to lean more and more toward—that one person!
At the same time, seek wise counsel and advice! Do not allow yourself to reach the point where you have succumbed to emotion without first counseling.
Do not misunderstand. It is a wonderful feeling to be on “cloud nine”—to be in love. Few things in life are comparable to this. Nevertheless, there is a period during the first stages of serious dating and courting when you can still make sound judgments without heavy emotional attachment. Try to think of this in the following way: It is important to suppress feelings of romantic love (eros), while carefully focusing on and building the bond of true friendship (philia), all the while practicing and developing the love of God (agape) within the relationship.
Take advantage of this time!
Let me repeat. No matter your age, counsel with your parents. Ask them for specific advice on your situation. Where possible, talk with others with the same values and who have recently experienced dating, courtship and marriage. If they know you well, this is even better.
It is important to pay
Women: Keep your trust firmly in God. Because the man takes the lead in asking for dates, the woman must recognize that it takes real, enduring faith to believe a godly man will be sent to her. The wise woman knows that “taking matters into her own hands” would ultimately backfire. She patiently waits for God to intervene on her behalf.
Are you kind, patient, cultured? Do you have an attractive personality that you are constantly striving to build—to polish? Are you continually happy and joyful, and, if not, are you striving to be?
What is your overall GOAL? Do you wish to be the best wife possible when the time comes for marriage? Apply these principles of femininity. Take the time to read, study and possibly write out Proverbs 31—the “virtuous woman” chapter. Most of all, enjoy the fact that you are a woman—and that one day a special man will appreciate you for it!
What About Remarriage?
Some special instruction is important here. This may be your second time around looking for a mate. If so, all the principles in this book are still relevant, although many may need slight modification for obvious reasons, and depending upon the uniqueness of your circumstances. But, whether you are age 25 or 50, all are still applicable.
People hoping to remarry can bring a host of issues to potential new relationships. They must address whether only one or both interested parties have been married before. If only the man has been married before, this is one kind of circumstance. If only the woman has been, this is another. Be certain to discuss your previous marriage(s) with your prospective mate. While you do not need to go into highly specific or excruciating detail, the matter has to be one of open discussion between you, including all marriages (and long-term live-in relationships) that a couple may have experienced.
Since you have been married before, you must be willing to ask yourself what went wrong and what fault or faults may lie with you from your first experience. Where can you improve? Focus on weaknesses or shortcomings you may have. Learn from past mistakes. When a marriage fails, it never means that one person was perfect and the other single-handedly ruined the relationship. In all likelihood, whether you were the initiator or recipient of divorce action, you played some role in the demise of the marriage.
Of course, you must also face additional considerations.
Has the other party been married before? Will he or she be able to understand you if you have? Will you be able to set aside your previous relationship, good and bad experiences, truly understanding that you are starting over in every sense? If the person marrying you has never been married before, are you willing to wait for this person to “catch up” with certain aspects of marriage with which you are experienced and he or she is not? Are you prepared to recognize that there may come moments when you both are simply “on a different page”? What will you do when this happens? Are you prepared to be flexible and tolerant at such times?—or are you considering building the proverbial “bridge too far”?
The circumstances that ended your previous marriage, as well as how long ago it ended, also play a role. It may have ended for any one of several reasons, with each carrying its own implications: Your spouse left you; you left your spouse (and, of course, a host of different reasons could possibly come into play—infidelity, alcoholism, etc.); death of a spouse by accident; death of a spouse after a protracted, agonizing illness; loss of a child, with which one or both of you could not cope; bankruptcy, etc.
Here is the point: All such circumstances bear consideration. For better or worse, whatever happened affected you. These could, and probably to one degree or another will, have an impact on your future marriage. But this does not mean that they are automatic strikes against you or factors that “knock out” a potential relationship.
Another factor that could be driving the desire to remarry is that you are lonely. Perhaps you have memories of love and companionship that are pulling you prematurely back into marriage, setting you up to enter another wrong relationship. Be careful not to permit loneliness to rush or push you into a second marriage.
“And I Have Children!”
Also, with the second time around, or because of children born out of wedlock, either one or both people could be bringing children into the marriage. You could soon become a step-parent. Can you handle this (with either younger or adult children coming into your life), and are you preparing yourself for this reality, particularly if it is happening later in life? Just as important, is your prospective spouse prepared for your children (and perhaps grandchildren)?
Get to know all the children in the picture, and include them on some outings during both dating and courtship. Talk with them and help them understand what is happening. But never allow them to dictate the circumstances, let alone the outcome!
A whole host of complicating factors—all important to consider—can come into play with such couples. A “yours and ours” arrangement and a “mine and ours” arrangement are different from what could become a “yours, mine and ours” situation later. And then there is the question of whether you will permit the other person to help “rear” what are “your children.” Also, will he or she want to help you? There must be agreement on the matter of how the children should be reared as part of a joint effort, with both spouses understanding the need to work together in all situations. All these are absolutely crucial issues. They MUST be resolved, at least in principle, in advance of marriage.
Another related point for consideration is that if only one person has had children, this party may feel that he or she is “through” with having more. Is this agreeable to both parties? If one seems willing to “bend,” is this being done largely against his or her will? It is absolutely vital that this matter also be understood and worked out well before any wedding plans.
And Finally…
It is critical that those considering remarriage do not try to makeover a potential new spouse in the image of a previous husband or wife. That marriage is behind you—FOREVER! The person or persons you were married to were unique human beings. So is the person that you may now be considering for courtship and marriage. It is critical you both recognize that you have come to be in love with each other, not merely in love with the idea of reliving a memory. Chasing the past is fraught with problems and is a hope that can never be. If you have not yet fully accepted that there is no way to return to or relive the past, you are not ready to date seriously, let alone remarry.
We are now ready to discuss the most serious stage of dating—COURTSHIP!
Chapter Eight –ADVANCING TO COURTSHIP
To this point, we have almost exclusively discussed dating. But what about courting? Every relationship reaches a point at which the couple will either become more interested, and want to pursue a more serious relationship, or they will decide that they are not seriously attracted to each other, and will (or should) agree to “just be friends.”
There is no specific moment when you suddenly find yourself “courting.” However, as dating becomes more involved, and as a person becomes more seriously interested in that one other person, there is a transition period when the couple goes from dating to courting. It should generally not occur like the flipping of a switch, as with engagement, but rather like the gradual turning up of a light on a rheostat.
Prior to this point, it is a mistake to believe that dating is done exclusively with one person. There is a process during which you slowly progress from dating many different people in one-on-one settings to perhaps thinking someone is particularly interesting, and choosing to date her (or him) a few more times, in order to determine that she is the person you want to more seriously pursue. This process could take months, many months, or even years, depending on how quickly you find someone compatible with you at all levels. (This phase could be preceded by having narrowed your dating down to two or three possible candidates for marriage.) It is at this final stage, however, that courtship begins, and you only date that one person from that point forward.
But reaching the stage of courtship should never mean that a couple has already decided to get married. They have merely reached the stage where more serious exploration of what has already become a mutual interest should occur.
There are many important things to evaluate as you begin to court. This is really the point at which you begin to consider a person as a possible lifelong mate. Using wisdom and judgment is crucial before getting too emotionally involved. Following is a series of areas for couples to consider after having become more interested. In essence, courtship is the decision to take the next step—a more serious step, but not the FINAL step!
Seeking God’s Way
Return for a moment to the starting point. The best way to pick the BEST PERSON for you is to not pick at all—to leave the decision in God’s hands! His ways and understanding are infinitely better than ours (Isa. 55:8), and He is the only One who can lead you to the right person!
But you must be willing to do your part.
In a sense, God’s way of dating is a natural process—you will naturally enjoy being with certain types of people more than others. But this natural feeling of comfort and discomfort with certain types of personalities will come, only if you have made it a goal to date widely before ever considering a serious relationship. By the time you are ready to court (if you have followed God’s way), you will be successful in finding a mate.
Finding and choosing a mate is a process best left to God’s overall direction. You cannot know if you have found the “right one” unless you have (figuratively speaking) allowed God to take you by the hand, and lead you to him or her—and He will if you let Him! Remember, God’s Spirit will not guide you if you are unwilling to wait until the right time to even begin thinking about the right person. Be willing to let God activate your mind! Allow Him to cause you to react to—to lean more and more toward—that one person!
At the same time, seek wise counsel and advice! Do not allow yourself to reach the point where you have succumbed to emotion without first counseling.
Do not misunderstand. It is a wonderful feeling to be on “cloud nine”—to be in love. Few things in life are comparable to this. Nevertheless, there is a period during the first stages of serious dating and courting when you can still make sound judgments without heavy emotional attachment. Try to think of this in the following way: It is important to suppress feelings of romantic love (eros), while carefully focusing on and building the bond of true friendship (philia), all the while practicing and developing the love of God (agape) within the relationship.
Take advantage of this time!
Let me repeat. No matter your age, counsel with your parents. Ask them for specific advice on your situation. Where possible, talk with others with the same values and who have recently experienced dating, courtship and marriage. If they know you well, this is even better.
It is important to pay
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