Dating & Courtship, Stephen Picklesimer [e textbook reader TXT] 📗

company without undue suspicion and jealousy, encouraging him to be sociable, and helping him to feel natural and at ease?
• Will I allow him an evening off sometimes and not rely on or demand constant companionship?
Are You Romantically Attracted?
One of the most important elements in every marriage is romantic attraction. Without it, the relationship will lack spark, zest and the interest necessary to keep it from fizzling. God commands married couples to be “one flesh,” and this is a direct reference to sexual intercourse and everything that is part of the marriage bed. Without romantic attraction, this will quickly turn into a sense of duty, eventually followed by discontinuation—and will almost certainly be replaced by temptation to go outside the marriage to obtain what is “missing.” Of course, this means disaster for all concerned.
We should return for a moment to romantic love, which is eros. The beginnings of this are physical attraction—that spark that every couple growing to love each other must come to feel.
This spark has sometimes been referred to as “chemistry.” If a couple has this, they appeal to each other. This is often referred to as “sex appeal,” and it is natural—and essential—in a marriage. Without physical attraction, resentment and even contempt can easily appear.
However, although some level of physical attraction is absolutely necessary, this should never outweigh all other elements of consideration. If there is none, a marriage will SUFFER, but if there is nothing else, a marriage will NEVER LAST!
The person absolutely MUST be attractive to you. Yet, that does not mean he or she is the most handsome or beautiful person in the world! She must be beautiful to you—and this includes more than just outer beauty. And he must be handsome to you—but his inner person must also be attractive.
“Are We in Love?”
With all these considerations, many are still left asking the BIG QUESTION, “Are we really in love?” As you try to answer that question, ask the following:
Do you love to talk to one another all the time—in nearly all occasions? Do you enjoy virtually every minute that you spend together? Do you find that with each new date, you become more interested in the other person—in what he thinks, what she does, what he hopes and dreams, what she has to say?
Respect is one of the most important aspects of human relations, and it flows from many tangibles and intangibles. Do you deeply respect each other? This is not a simple, friendly respect, but a deep and growing mutual respect that leads directly to TRUST.
Once you make your decision, it is no longer a matter of finding a man or a woman who is pleasing to you, but instead trying now to see how you can best please this man or this woman you have come to deeply love—and have CHOSEN to love. Are you prepared to make the continual enhancement of that love a lifelong goal?
Recall that the world is all about “falling in love at first sight.” But this DOES NOT HAPPEN! Most of humanity continually looks for a “quick fix” in life, not understanding that doing things God’s way almost always takes time! It takes time to grow in character, and anything of beauty and worth takes time and effort. Artists must realize this if they hope to create a masterpiece. Some of the greatest masterpieces take months, or even years, to produce.
Love is the same! It cannot happen overnight or in an instant. You may feel physical attraction immediately, but real, deep love is entirely different. Be careful and, quite literally, “take heed lest you fall” (I Cor. 10:12) in LUST, not love. Do not allow your human nature to deceive you. Many have been blinded, to their own hurt. Will this be you?
Love develops only through careful and proper dating and courtship. A relationship between a man and a woman is a wonderful, God-ordained institution, if you allow it to grow and develop. This is applicable to everything of quality.
Real love is never blind. Too often, when a couple allows themselves to become infatuated, they ignore all differences and all weaknesses in each other. Grasp this next point—it is most vital. If you feel there is NOTHING wrong with your prospective mate, you are kidding yourself—and perhaps willingly deceiving yourself because you are too focused on the physical, what it will be like in bed together! Acknowledge and accept that there will be little idiosyncrasies in the other person. Be sure you are willing to live with both those you see and those you may not yet see.
Finally, on the matter of “Are we in love?”: Are your feelings and actions toward each other selfless? Does the relationship “line up” in all the critical ways discussed? Is God’s involvement EVIDENT in your relationship? Do you find that you simply “cannot get enough” of all that is the other person?
Anything less than brutal honesty with these questions brings a failing grade on the test!
Discussing Children and Family
An important item of discussion should be each other’s perspective on family. As with everything else, the world’s view of family and childrearing is drastically different from God’s. Every person has grown up in a different home with different parents, having at least somewhat differing approaches to rearing children.
Marriage eventually means “family,” and family is equated with children. When you become serious in a relationship, talk to each other about your views on children and family. Have you discussed these things? Do you share similar ideas of how you foresee a future family? Have you both read material available explaining God’s view of childrearing? Do you share these same principles? Have you discussed how many children you hope to have? Are you in agreement as to when the children should come?
Then think about this: Your children will, in a sense, be one-half you and one-half of whomever is your spouse. While every person is unique, and this includes your children, this “one-half” factor applies to strengths, weaknesses, mannerisms, personality, appearance, and potentially even character. If you do not like things in your potential spouse, prepare yourself to see them in more than one person!
Also, as future parents, you must take the time to prepare yourselves for the roles of FATHER and MOTHER. When you spend time with young children, imagine yourself in these roles. And, historically, have you enjoyed time spent with much younger siblings, or the children of brothers, sisters or friends?
Take note of how the other person reacts to children, or when children are around. Does she love to spend time with children or is she bothered by their presence? Is he gentle and kind, obviously enjoying talking to and playing with children, and having them on his lap?
Be certain that you are of similar mind when it comes to HOW you would rear children. Significant differences will cause a tremendous strain on a marriage relationship, and the children will observe—and take advantage of—the husband and wife who are divided in this all-important aspect of family government.
Children are able to discern disagreement at a very early age, and will tend to play parents against each other. Parents must be flexible and willing to work together. There are few things more damaging to developing children than parents who send conflicting or divided signals to their children. Where differences in opinion could arise, try to learn if the other prospective parent in your future marriage will support you in matters of discipline, household rules, and the other guidelines that pertain to the conduct of children and teenagers.
Consider. The children you have with your spouse are potentially future members of the God Family! Your combined STEWARDSHIP in this area represents a colossal responsibility that begins NOW—with a proper understanding of dating and courtship!
The Best Age for Marriage
Another common question, often asked while already dating, concerns the best age for marriage. Obviously, when one is already involved, particularly after having allowed this to occur at too early an age, such a person is in no position to any longer be objective about whether he or she is old enough for marriage. Sadly, it is often too late to even help such people. They have already chosen a path toward almost certain tragedy.
There is broad disagreement among so-called “experts” on this matter. Further, such “experts” have, in the first place, been shown to be entirely unaware of all the spiritual aspects behind maturity and conversion. This largely disqualifies them from having a valid opinion.
The time to be concerned with proper age is before involvement—and there is another good reason for this. Of course, many people who are too young to marry get involved anyway. At least partially recognizing what happened, they decide to wait until they are old enough to actually get married. Here is the problem—and it is a BIG problem! While they are willing to adjust when they should be married, believing they need more maturity, they have already decided who they want to marry before such maturity has arrived!
Let’s look at this from another perspective: By now you have seen there are many complex factors that come into play when selecting a mate. Think! Would a person at age 18 select the same person that he or she would pick at age 24? Put another way, do you not think you will grow—in a host of ways—over what would be the next six years, in your ability to know how and who to pick as a lifelong partner? Of course you will.
But give yourself a chance to do this!
I have asked this question of many young couples, and they invariably acknowledge that they will grow. They have to admit that an 18-year-old mind simply would not necessarily—and probably only rarely—pick the SAME PERSON as would a 24-year-old mind. For those who fall back on “But we are already in love,” the rest of the book applies. Break it off! For those who say, “We are still going to get married, but we will wait,” I answer, “Well at least you have decided to postpone your misery!”
Assuming YOU do not want misery—either now or later—decide to wait until you have reached proper marrying age to get serious with anyone!
Although the Bible never outlines a perfect age for marriage, principles and experience can be applied here.
Christ said this about marriage: “What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder” (Mark 10:9). It is God who puts two people together. Reflect on that knowledge, and continually keep it in mind. Tell yourself that God has a plan for you—if you are seeking and obeying Him—and He will provide a mate when the time is right. I repeat again for emphasis: Never rush courtship so you can get married sooner. Instead, completely rely on God to provide!
The best way to address the issue of optimal marriage age is to go back to the nation of ancient Israel. God instructed that people under the age of 20 should not even be counted in the national census. In one sense at least, anyone 19 and under quite literally “did not count”! In addition, it was not until age 30 that men reached the maturity level to be ordained priests. It was only at this point that God considered them as having reached sufficient maturity, leadership ability and influence to be capable of handling the responsibilities of a priest. Christ Himself did not start His ministry until He was 30 years old. John the Baptist was the same, and the apostles were apparently of similar age.
While these are not absolute rules regarding the right age to marry, the above models or guidelines are related. These ages were referenced in the Bible because God recognized that men and women reach certain levels of maturity at these “mile-markers.” We