Dating & Courtship, Stephen Picklesimer [e textbook reader TXT] 📗

might conclude, and centuries of experience demonstrate this, that somewhere between 20 and 30 is the ideal time to marry, probably best described as about age 23 or 24, ranging to 26 or 27, for both men and women. This is the stage in life when one has most typically already been converted—and has practiced living God’s Way for some years. Additionally, schooling has generally been finished, and possibly there has been sufficient time for debts to disappear and at least some savings to accrue.
The fact is—and statistics have long born this out—teenagers should absolutely NEVER marry. Teens of a century ago were more mature, having been thrust into much more hard work and responsibility at an earlier age, often so their family could survive, making them more ready for serious responsibility. (Yet, teen marriages still often had great difficulty.) All this has changed today—and radically! Modern teenagers would all do well to take off the “rose-colored glasses”—and, in most cases, blinders—so that they can properly see the facts as they are, about themselves and the generation of which they are a part.
Understand this. People mature at different ages, and there is no specific moment that will be right for EVERYONE. The basic principle is that you must “Prepare your work outside, get everything ready for you in the field; and AFTER THAT build your house” (Prov. 24:27, RSV). The “house” in this scripture is referencing a family, and the house needed for it. In essence, you must be prepared physically, mentally and spiritually—“build your house”—before you are ready to marry.
Age Differences
One other point should be weighed—that of significant age difference between the man and the woman. Either way, there will be some effect on the marriage if the age difference is too great.
If the man is more than ten years older than the woman, and she is in her early twenties, this represents a significant difference in maturity levels. (The older both parties are, the less important age difference becomes.) If the man is not patient, he will find himself continually trying to pull the woman to his level of experience. This cannot be done! Any man who tries to do this will “inherit the wind” (Prov. 11:29). If you are a man who is determined to marry a woman much younger than you, accept what this means and let the woman grow at her own natural rate. Do not try to be her father—she already has one!
Also, the woman in this kind of relationship may find herself continually trying to “catch up” with the man. It will be difficult for her to enjoy herself doing things that the man may likely see as something he has “already done.” Therefore, the woman determined to marry a much older man needs to recognize all that this means.
Conversely, the much older woman may have an even more difficult task in trying to marry the much younger man. Besides the danger of falling into mothering him, she may find it much more difficult to respect him, and to properly submit to him. She may find herself doing a lot of “biting her lip” until he gains sufficient maturity and experience to match hers—and to be deemed worthy of her as a submissive follower.
The man must be careful that he does not resent or feel threatened by his wife’s greater age and experience. Men who choose to marry much older women had better be prepared to accept that the woman may be more difficult to lead than would be someone closer to his own age. Also, he must be very careful that, as the woman continues to physically age before he does, he does not permit himself to have a wandering eye toward any younger woman he may come to wish he had considered. Men must recognize that, with the passing of time, women do not continue to look like “young things.”
Keep these points in mind. Women generally mature faster physically than do men. But men generally mature faster mentally than do women. Although there may be a slight adjustment period, the man who marries a woman who is only slightly older will usually have little difficulty properly leading her. However, the ideal is that the man be slightly older than the woman.
Career and Finances
More basic, practical questions must be asked before considering marriage.
What about job and career aspirations? If you are a man, are you solidly established in a career—one that allows you to provide for a family? Do you have a clear plan of what you are going to do—where your life is going? Have you set specific goals and plans for how you will support and sustain the family? Perhaps you are still in the final stages of your training and education. If so, you should still have specific, attainable goals in mind, and the ability to be a productive wage-earner should be very close at hand.
Consider: What are his work habits? Many today lack the motivation to work hard. Yet success, in both marriage and life, requires that one be both driven and willing to work hard—sometimes very hard. DRIVE is one of the laws of success. (It would be helpful to read our booklet The Laws to Success, with marriage in mind.) Marriage and family life will require hard work by both partners. Everyone wants a successful family—but not everyone is willing to pay the price to achieve it!
This, of course, is more important for the man. But, in many ways, it should also be a serious consideration for the woman. While there will be a period later in the marriage when the woman should forego employment, in order to better care for the home and focus on the children, there are times before and after (and possibly during, if it is a part-time job) when the woman will also have to help support the family. With the high cost of living today, it can become essential in many cases to have two incomes within the family to even survive. (But be sure that your motive is not just to accumulate what you do not really need.)
Does the woman have ideas, and marketable skills, to help support the family financially as she is able? Is she thrifty? Can she carefully budget the family’s income? Can she “stretch a dollar”?
In addition, bear in mind that MARRIAGE and MOTHERHOOD are their own career, no matter the opinion of blinded, self-absorbed, secular, God-rejecting feminists. In fact, other than practicing Christianity and rearing children, marriage is the most important “career” you will have throughout your life.
After communication problems, financial difficulties are the biggest reason for the divorce rate being at or above 50 percent. Try to do everything possible to achieve financial stability before marriage. The Bible states, “A prudent man foresees the evil [trouble], and hides himself: but the simple pass on, and are punished” (repeated twice, in Proverbs 22:3 and 27:12).
When discussing finances, there are many things to consider, and some have long-term implications. For instance, if children are involved from previous marriages, child support may be a big consideration. What financial responsibilities do your children bring? Does the other person bring obligations that you are agreeing to “take on”?
Also ask: Do you have a savings account? Are you in debt? Try hard to avoid at all costs the trap so many slip into so easily—borrowing and owing money at an early age. Teenagers and young people today foolishly fall prey to the lure of multiple credit cards and the often ensuing large debt. If you are serious about courting and marriage, be serious about first eliminating any debt you may have, and certainly do not fall deeper into it. (Take time to read our thorough booklets Taking Charge of Your Finances and End All Your Financial Worries.)
Understanding Roles in Marriage
At the courtship stage of a relationship, the couple has begun to look forward to what their future together will bring. The very first step—AND THIS IS TRULY VITAL!—is to know what it means to be a HUSBAND, and what it means to be a WIFE.
Take time to study together the last twelve verses of Ephesians 5. Paul covers in detail the role of the husband, who is in charge and responsible for truly loving his wife—and the role of the wife, who is to submit to the leadership of her husband. Also read Colossians 3:18-19 and I Peter 3:1-7, to be sure that you both understand God’s PLAIN INSTRUCTION about the role of each spouse.
Apply to yourself all the passages in the Bible and the points in this book. It is not sufficient to have only an academic understanding of principles. Ask of each point what it means—how it applies to YOU. Then summarize which areas of character, personality or understanding need improvement before marriage. If applied correctly, you will be prepared to take on the role in marriage that God intends.
A word of caution: It is easy to read all that has been covered here and feel inadequate. While the many attributes of a good marriage—and of being a good marriage partner—take a lifetime to develop and master, think how much better off your marriage will be if you take an active approach now!
Great leaders are known for VISION. My father always encouraged my brother, sister and me to “not be afraid to dream,” and to chase our dreams, recognizing that we were “only limited by our imagination.” His intent was for us to set high standards and pursue them. Similarly, you have a goal—a DREAM—to one day be happily married, with a wonderful family. Given society’s current condition, this might seem unattainable. But, no matter your age, pursue your dream—and start now by methodically applying the principles for a successful marriage.
The best way to begin is through systematic SELF-EXAMINATION, striving to envision yourself in every possible marital situation. Then, ask how you would apply various points. Ask yourself if you are even able to apply them as directed. Discern your weaknesses and diligently work on them.
By now, you have developed a long checklist (and we are not yet finished) of things to address in your growth. While this is not the time to be judgmental and expect perfection—in yourself or the other person—make sure you believe that the other person is truly prepared to grow and overcome as a WAY OF LIFE. Understand that there are “bumps,” some of them serious, in every marriage. The test of a marriage is not how many bumps there are, but what couples are willing to do about them—whether they are determined to make progress toward always doing better than before.
Remember that once the marriage has begun, it will be essential to always examine yourself first! Since this is the Christian way, practice doing this now. Christ taught this. Notice: “And why behold you the mote that is in your brother’s eye, but consider not the beam that is in your own eye? Or how will you say to your brother, Let me pull out the mote out of your eye; and, behold, a beam [is] in your own eye? You hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of your own eye; and then shall you see clearly to cast out the mote out of your brother’s eye” (Matt. 7:3-5).
Recall that Paul also stated this principle, although somewhat differently: “But in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others” (Phil. 2:3-4). Christians are to focus on the needs of others, while at the same time not neglecting their OWN weaknesses and problems. Most people do the opposite.
Once again, a word to those who are considering marriage for the second time: Be sure that you have been able to adjust your understanding (unconsciously