Dating & Courtship, Stephen Picklesimer [e textbook reader TXT] 📗

of approaching situations.
If this is the case—if the person in whom you are interested comes from a very different culture—pay attention to the possible conflicts or trouble spots it could create before deciding to marry. Background in different clothing styles, cuisine, music, sports, language, traditions, customs, architecture, travel and other differences come into play.
Talk to each other about how you grew up. Practice picturing yourself having to compromise in various ways after marriage, seeing if the two of you are really able to form your own combined culture. Possibly be willing to blend or give up some things you may have always thought of as normal—“the only way things are done.” Either way, be realistic.
Cultural differences can stem from growing up in households with different nationalities or from having been reared in different countries, or even different regions of the same country. In addition, do not discount or overlook differences stemming from one of you having grown up with your religious beliefs, while the other person may have acquired these same beliefs later in life. These differences may not, of and by themselves, prevent a successful marriage, but couples should consider and discuss as many potential areas of stress or friction as possible before deciding to get married!
This is one of many reasons for God’s instruction about interracial marriage. The stress this can place on such a marriage—and the children that come from it—often causes couples from totally different cultures much unnecessary pain and unhappiness.
Emotions and Personality
The element of personality, which is closely tied to how people tend to express or suppress emotions, is an equally important factor to evaluate. Couples must “wear well” with each other—they must be able to enjoy long hours together without one or both grating on the other. A particular personality may make one person very comfortable, while driving another person “up the wall.” For example, some men enjoy women who are very talkative, and other men cannot tolerate this quality.
When it comes to personality, “one size does not fit all.” Therefore, there are a variety of questions you will want to consider regarding the personality of your prospective mate.
Earlier, we discussed the absolute necessity of emotional maturity. Is the person you are courting emotionally stable? Try to see the person in as many circumstances as possible as you begin to spend more time together. Does the person have a temper? Once again, when people first begin to date or court, they unconsciously put their best foot forward when in the other person’s presence. This is not necessarily bad or wrong, but recognize that everyone naturally tries to be on his or her best behavior. However, over time, and as you attempt to be in different circumstances, take note of the following:
How does the person react under emotional duress? Does he “go to pieces” when the going gets tough? How does she handle stress? Can he push forward and keep the big picture in mind, or does he begin to lose control of his emotions at the slightest disruption? Can she deal with a suddenly changing situation, one that might cause a flood of emotions to immediately leap to the fore because maturity is not present to withhold them? Does he exercise and control his emotions when the chips are down? Is he steady and in control in the face of adversity? Is she a strong person?
Be honest with what you have observed so far, because it is a likely snapshot of a long future.
These points illustrate why it is essential to spend as much time as possible with your prospective mate before deciding to marry. Many do not even consider these things—let alone ACT on them. They bring themselves to believe that the person in whom they are interested is bright and sunny at all times. Unfortunately, they are sadly disappointed—and often disillusioned—at some point during the marriage, when their spouse’s true colors appear.
Be prepared! Understand that marriage represents a PARTNERSHIP that links you to all that the other person is—or is not!
What about the individual’s personality? Is it truly compatible with yours? Do you generally have a wonderful time together, or do you often disagree or argue? Keep in the foremost part of your mind that such disagreements tend to greatly intensify after the familiarity of married life begins.
We have discussed those who attempt to change the other person’s character prior to marriage. Similarly, some foolishly try to change a person’s personality to make it fit what they believe it should be. Similarly again, as with forcing character changes, this NEVER works! On the other hand, others completely ignore flaws, oddities, idiosyncrasies and negative personality traits during the “good times” of dating and courting while thinking in the back of the mind that they will be able to change the person after marriage.
Do not kid yourself by believing you can do the impossible. YOU CANNOT! “Leopards” rarely “change their spots” (Jer. 13:23).
Guided by God’s love, you can overcome many obstacles, but major personality differences will not resolve easily! At the same time, however, this does not mean you should give up and walk away just because you encounter slight problems unique to every human being. Marriage involves a great deal of mercy, patience and tolerance with one another. Remember that “all have sinned and come short of the glory of God” (Rom. 3:23), and that marriage is a God-plane relationship, meaning you have to conduct yourself as God would if He were married to your spouse—or you.
A final word here about emotions and personality: Never forget that there is a big difference between dating and courting! Dating consists of casual, relaxed friendship and enjoyable good times while getting to know persons of the opposite sex. Courting is more serious—more focused—more analytic. Marriage is permanent. Remember that at this point of courtship, you are both still looking at qualities that can be simply left behind by going on to another dating partner. Therefore, look closely when courting. Doing this the day after the wedding is too late.
Throughout the dating and courtship process, continually strive to grow in understanding of each other’s emotional makeup and personality.
Spiritual Condition
We have already mentioned that in order to date just one person, both must be converted. For reasons explained earlier in the book, if the courtship stage has been reached without both parties having become Spirit-led (Rom. 8:9, 14), break it off completely until both of you are converted.
The Church of God endured an apostasy in the late 80s and early 90s. At one point, God’s Church was over 150,000 strong, with generally all those who were baptized thought to be converted. With the passing of time, and the radical changing of doctrine, scores of thousands almost eagerly changed their beliefs back to the traditions of mainstream “Christianity.” In retrospect, most proved to have never been truly converted.
When considering marriage, what happened in God’s Church still has application. Although you must be constantly aware of your own spiritual condition, the true spiritual strength and condition of the other person is also crucial.
Ask yourself these basic questions (among others): How truly converted is this person? How much does he pray and study the Bible? Does she really show fruits of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23)? Is he really striving to live the give way of life in all circumstances—or does he seem to be mostly concerned about what is in it for him? Does she have a spirit of service and sacrifice? Is he doctrinally sound? Does she exhibit complete loyalty to God’s Church and people? Is he applying sermons to himself? Will she rear our children according to what God says?
If you are seeking God’s kingdom and His righteousness first (Matt. 6:33), you should never even consider marrying one who may be converted but spiritually weak. Such a person can drag you down, hold you back—and possibly keep you from the kingdom of God!
This is most serious, and the problems that flow from ignoring it are VERY REAL!
Below are two lists that will help you analyze whether you are properly preparing yourself to be a good spouse. Whether you are far from marriage or already considering a particular person, examine them carefully for where you are deficient. It should also be of interest to you whether a potential spouse is doing or will do the same.
A word of caution: Do not apply either of these lists in reverse. Some have done this by making a checklist of all the things the other party in the marriage should reflect. Others have even been tempted to rate men or women through use of such written lists.
There was a somewhat famous (more like infamous) example that occurred when I was going to college. One male student had rated a variety of co-eds, including a range of very specific strengths and weaknesses, on a list that he inadvertently dropped on the student lunchroom floor. Not only was he embarrassed, but certain girls were hurt once his list became known.
While you should certainly be carefully assessing any prospective spouse, be equally careful of following this inverted approach. Remember that people are not cattle being bought and sold at auction. However, having a detailed list of weaknesses, that you are using to work on yourself, is a healthy exercise.
Will I Be a Good Husband?
• Will I study her reaction physically, mentally and emotionally, and encourage her to confide her hopes and dreams to me?
• Will I always demonstrate my affection, not expecting her to take my love for granted?
• Will I try to see things from her perspective as well as my own to avoid becoming set in my ways?
• Can I lead interesting discussions of important issues without it ending in an argument?
• If we do have a misunderstanding or a peevish outburst of irritation, will I put it behind us, settling the difficulty one way or the other—or will I sulk or pout, inviting the problem to return?
• Will I make allowances for irritability brought about through over-tiredness and a build-up of little household annoyances, pretending not to notice it?
• Will I inspire her and take an interest in her hobbies and in her more ambitious ventures that are necessary for her happiness?
• Will I take an interest in her clothes, show her my appreciation and pay her the little compliments and the attention that I did in our courting days?
• Is our mutual relationship ever-growing in understanding, sympathy, and depth?
• Will I spoil her friendships with others by unnecessary suspicion when she has proven her loyalty and devotion?
• Will her life be enriched, her interests broadened and her happiness and general well-being increased by marrying me?
Will I Be a Good Wife?
• Will I help him to achieve a fuller life by constantly endeavoring to broaden our horizons?
• Will I use tact and sympathy with his little personal problems and help him understand himself?
• Will I study him and get a clear idea of all the little things that make him happy and confident?
• Will I share with him my little joys and successes and let him realize how much he contributes to my happiness?
• Will I overlook his little irritabilities due to overwork and fatigue, pretending not to notice them, making allowances for the strain that the workplace can be and that the responsibility of a family can bring?
• Will I see that he has enough time for relaxation and quiet thought?
• When my feelings are roused and out of proportion due to misunderstandings, will I always try to better understand him, our mutual relationship and myself, suspending harsh judgment with thoughtful self-inquiry?
• Have I noticed any mannerisms in myself that may be irritating to him?
• Will I let him enjoy women’s