The War From Within, James Anthony Love [e textbook reader .txt] 📗

to reply, no word would have form. My mouth was dry as a neglected well, and I couldn’t understand why.
She smiled again and rubbed her hand down the left side of my face. And with that she was gone. I could still smell her perfume it hung on me slaying the foulness of the store. I was stuck in a trance unable to move and unaware of my surroundings. These feelings that I felt were foreign to me. My blood was rushing like it was going to leap out of my skin and my heart was pounding as if it was working double time to keep me alive, for my brain had totally shut down. Sweat hung onto my brow as if my body was overheated. Just as I started to panic it all went away. Hunger pains forced itself back into my now functional mind and into my empty stomach.
“Boy hurry yo ass up!” Mr. Pearson grunted as he made his way back around the counter, “And I got my eye on yo little black ass.”
Back to my senses I hurry to the get the items that I and came here for. Miss Nikki was still in the back of my mind.
After only shopping for just over five minutes, all under the watchful eye of Mr. Pearson, I reached the counter. I laid my items down one by one, so he could see that it was all that I had in my hands, and pulled out my money. I noticed large glass jar of blow pop suckers to the left. I wanted my favorite, watermelon, so bad that I could taste the gum that was inside the sucker. Unfortunately, food stamps could not buy candy and I didn’t have any “real” money on me. Still the food on the counter looked like a feast for a king, though it was only hot dog buns, a bottle of ketchup, and some weenies. I sat the money on the counter and I had counted it out to exact change, and began to collect my items again.
“Wait a minute”, He said as he counted the money, “Lil’ nigga you shor’!”
This Dirty old bastard, I thought to myself. I knew that was enough money just like I knew that he was going to try and cheat me. However, I calmed myself down as I weighed my options. I could have acted like a fool, but I knew that would get me no where, he wouldn’t be scare of a kid. I could snatch the food and run but I never had stolen anything before, so I didn’t know the techniques to use. Lastly I could resort back to my earlier tactics, even though they hadn’t work earlier. As I contemplated, I wished that Miss Nikki was there. Maybe she could loan me some of her power.
“Sir, I don’t have any more money, that’s all I have.” I went with the only thing that was familiar to me.
He laugh and said, “Boy get yo ass outta here, and don’t come back.”
It was clear that he never intended to let me buy anything. Letting me shop just to appease Miss Nikki, but he was never going to allow me to buy anything at least without cheating me. I was not going to be cheated.
He was still laughing at his apparent joke, “Crack heads send their babies down here trying to get hands out, this ain’t no damn soup line.”
The more he laughed the more my anger grew. The hatred for this man blossom in my soul and for the first time in my life I wanted to physically harm someone. The hate consumed my body and it felt like I was having an outer body appearance. I could see the angry look that plastered my face and I could see my chest rising up and down. I was not leaving there empty handed.
“Oh, you mad now boy?”
I didn’t move and I remained silent.
“What you gonna do?” He replied through his laughter.
I didn’t move and I remained silent. I stared intensely into his eyes. Giving him a look that said give me my food or else.
His laughing stop and now he was either scared or annoyed, probably both.
“I said get ya nappy headed ass out of my sto’!”
Still I stood there motionlessness and mute.
He was now definitely mad now. He began to sweat and he raised his voice.
“GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!” He yelled.
Seeing that I still wasn’t leaving he decided to force the issue, “Ok, I got something for ya! Yea, you getting yo lil ass out of here.”
He bended down to get something that I could only assume was the belt that he had earlier.
It was his first and last mistake.
As soon has he bended down I grabbed the jar of blow pops and without thinking hurl them right onto his bald head. To my surprise the glass did not even break like it would have in the movies, though his head immediately started to swell up. He grabbed for his head and let out a terrifying scream and fell to the floor.
I didn’t even let his body hit the floor. In one fluent motion I grabbed my Food stamps and the food and ran out of the store. I was running for my life and I was scare out of my mind. Not once did I turn to see if he, Mr. Pearson, or anyone else was giving chase.
Once I reached my apartment complex I slowed down to not draw any attention to myself. My fear had now subsided and now I was exhilarated. I could not believe that I had done what I had done. It made me feel powerful; I had taken down I grown man. I felt as if I could take on the world and win.
All feeling of pleasure ended as soon as I open the door. Emma was laying on the couch with one leg propped up on the top of the couch the other on the floor.
“Boy where the hell have you been?” she said with a sloppy slur.
Before I could answer her eyes rolled back into her head and she was out cold again. I ignore her and went to the kitchen to fix my victory dinner.
Victory didn’t taste so sweet. Guilt, an unknown emotion at the time, set in and I began to wonder if Mr. Pearson was alright. I knew that I didn’t kill him but I might have really hurt him. I almost thought about going back to check and see if he was okay, but I wasn’t feeling that guilty or crazy. Still the issue kept eating away at my head and I started to feel sorry for him even though he was the one that cheated me.
I could not even eat my hot dogs in peace. They didn’t taste right, they tasted kind of funny, like they were tainted. I don’t know if it was my conscience or if the food had past it’s expiration date, which happen regularly at Mr. Pearson store, but I only made it through one hot dog. And that was only to satisfy my hunger pain.
I fought myself all night that night. One side said that I only did what I had to do while the other side said that my actions were wrong no matter what. I tossed and turned all night and I did not go to sleep until thoughts of Miss Nikki enter my mind.
The internal battle had begun in more ways than I could have ever known.


I had lusted before I even knew the definition of the word.

I thought of Miss Nikki on many nights after that one, she somehow held some kind of mystique power over me. Though I try I just could not get her off of my mind. I dreamed about her and her caramel complexion over and over. Though I had only seen a glance of her I remember the bright red freckles that adorned her face. She was constantly running through my mind. I could not figure out what was wrong with me. I would shut her out of my conscious mind, but when I fell asleep she would always return.
Most of the time I went to sleep fantasizing about her, though I had just met her she had already became the object of my first infatuation. While it is normal for children to have crushes on older women, my crush for Miss Nikki was shockingly disturbing. There was nothing innocent about it.
I imagined her and I doing things that I should have had no idea about. Things that I had never experienced, but I had overheard others talking about. Though I had heard kids at my school talking about sex, I knew they were as ignorant as me, they did not know what they were talking about. However, I gain most of my knowledge from the least likely source, Emma.
Emma and her male friends would have vulgar and explicit conversations with no regards to the fact that I could hear them. They would talk about sex like it was the best thing in the world, enticing my curiosity rather they knew or cared about it. I would sit in the corner and digest every word that they had to say. I would try not to draw attention to myself, because I knew that I would have been beaten for eavesdropping.
Emma and her guest would never go as far as engaging in any act in my presence. Still, the images had been planted inside my head. All Miss Nikki had done was put a face to my fantasies.
Even then I could feel that my fantasies about Miss Nikki were wrong, but that did not deter me from indulging in them whenever I had the opportunity. The fantasies intensified when I began to pleasure myself to them. At eight years of age, I was already a slave to lust. Lustful feelings and thought dampening my young and impressionable mind, I was experiencing feelings that no eight years old should know about, let alone feel.
If I only knew that I was opening a box that could not easy be closed, I would have fought harder rather then take pleasure in my actions. Yet the enemy knew of my ignorance and took full advantage. He entered in and set up camp where I was most vulnerable, my thoughts.
While he did not take full reign immediately, he would projected images and thoughts that I would later perceive to be my own. This caused me to be confused with my own hearts desires, also causing me to doubt my own judgment.
In essence he was just biding his time until I was so confused that he could easily control my mind without a fight.
He would use my lustful thoughts as a springboard.


The months that follow I would sit outside everyday and wait for Miss Nikki to come outside. When she did I would only admire her from afar, she never to my knowledge knew that I was there. This was perfectly fine to me because if she would had came to talk to me I would have been at a lost for words. She did not scare me, no she create an emotion that I not yet realize before. She aroused me, which in turn left me speechless the few times that I happen to be in her present.
Though I lusted for her like a grown man, I was still a child. So the very thought of her saying even one word to me sent nervous chills down my spine.