The War From Within, James Anthony Love [e textbook reader .txt] 📗

War From
Within

(Memoirs of a Lost Soul)

Prelude
I am at war.


Each day I suit up and prepare for the battle. I prepare my weapons for the enemy’s certain attack. Even though I am always on my guard, my arsenal is running low while the enemy’s armory is stockpile with unlimited resources.
I am fighting a war that never seems to end. Yes, this war tortures me day in and day out. Even when I think that have depleted the enemy’s defenses and the battling is at an end, I come to find out that I am no closer to winning than when I first declared war on the enemy. Therefore, obstinately I continue to fight.

There is truly only one weapon that is guaranteed to keep the enemy at bay. This weapon has never failed me but I, on more than one occasion, have fail to use it properly. I easily forget about this weapon during the heat of the battle. I naïvely think that I can win this war on my own without the help of this crucial weapon. I lose more and more battles with this way of thinking, for if I could just remember what the sure power of this weapon than perhaps I could put this war to rest. Sadly, this is not the case so I continue to fight.
While I view myself as a skilled soldier and a formidable foe, I am outmatched and outwitted in this war. My enemy has been fighting since before I was born and he gets stronger with time. He fights each battle to win knowing that each battle is crucial to being the victor of the war. He has a short term memory which gives him a distinct advantage in our conflict. For I spend to much time dwelling on battles lost and relishing on victories won that I am sometimes taking by surprise when the enemy attacks. The intensely and the fury of the enemy’s attacks causes me to be weary just thinking about them. But no matter his strength, intelligence, or any of his abilities, I continue to fight because I know in the end I will be victorious.

As is in all war, and this one is not exempt, there are daily causalities. Each day there are innocent people that are being affected, or harm by this senseless war. I have lost and hurt friends as well as total strangers. Though I try to keep others out of harm’s way, my attempts are in vain. I constantly pray for the people that are impaired by my conflict. I pray that by some chance they, and He, will forgive me.
Each day is the same as the last, a constant struggle, which makes it harder and harder to keep on fighting. I have fought for so long that it is hard to tell which side is good and which side is evil. Which side is right, which side is wrong. Every thing has blended in together making my decisions more crucial as well as more intricate.
Rather evil or good, wrong or right, each of the sides is putting up a skillful fight. For this is why I must always be on the defensive, ready and more importantly willing to counterattack. Though I know my enemy well, he strikes at random at times leaving me dazed, confused, and accessible to more attacks. There is no strategy in his tactics. When he does strike, he goes for the kill and it is because of this that sleep, at least good sleep, is a thing of the past. This is no matter for I had slept too much in my youth and now that I am awake I never want to go back to that state of mind. I have many problems but I do not count lack of sleep among them.
In this battle, I trust no one least of all myself. I have become delusional and paranoid because the enemy has very clever disguises. I never know if the next person is either friend or foe, to me most are the latter. As you will come to find out, I only have a small amount of what one would call friends. I know a great deal of people but there are only a few that I can categorize as friends. Because I care for them I mostly stay away for my reasons that I have already stated. Also I will say again I trust no one. A wise man late in his years once told me that on the battlefield everyone is a potential enemy. I am constantly on the battlefield. I draw close to no one.

Having no allies both aids and harms me at the same time. Though no one knows the enemy like I do, still I wish I had someone to confide in during the difficult times. I dare not invite anyone else into my war. When I feel the enemy’s presence I feel stronger fighting by myself than if I had ten skilled men by my side. This battle is mine to win or lose and I will not corrupt another just to win, I would rather accept defeat. Yet I still become lonely, at these time I feel that no one knows what it is like to be me. These times comes less and less as this war continues to drag forward. Loneliness and/or any depressed emotions are not a luxury that I can afford to have. These emotions or feelings cause me to become weak and when I am weak the enemy tries to gain a stronghold. He tries to befriend me and lulls me into a false sense of companionship. Pretending to know what I am feeling, and trying to convince me that we are the same. This is when the enemy attacks and I am left broken and feeling more depressed than before. I have fallen for this weapon of seduction more times then I care to recall. Though each time I do not fold and I do not give up, I gather my composure and ready myself for the next attack. Although I continue to fight, I am growing tired despite of all of my valiant efforts.
This is no ordinary battle that I am fighting. There will not be a truce or a peace treaty. The enemy will not stop until he destroys me. This is his one and only goal. This is why I must always be on guard. This is why I must evaluate each and every decision that I make, because I know that one false step could be disastrous.
I know this because I was once held hostage by the enemy. I was trapped behind the enemies lines so long that his way of thinking became my way of thinking. I adapted his philosophies and thought his lies were the truth. I fought against those who fought against him, I attacked those who were my allies. Though I did this things, I was ignorant to the fact I thought that I was in control when in reality the enemy controlled my every movement, all of my thoughts, all of my actions, and he also controlled my every belief. It was only by Grace that I was freed from the bondage. Now that I am free I fight every waking moment to remain that way. However, the enemy does not know defeat. He will continue to fight until I am back where he feels I belong, under his domain.
This is why the war will never end.


I am fighting a war from within. I am battling for my own soul. Failure is to be damned and victory is glory for eternity. My enemy is already damned so he is determined that I occupy him. There is both light and darkness fighting for supremacy inside my own soul. Both pull and tug on my soul like is a rope pull by fifty strong men on both sides. Both side are determined to win and like a poorly weaved rope, my soul slowly unravels in the process.
While on the surface this look like just a battle between right and wrong, when one investigates further they will find that it goes much deeper. This not only a battle for the life to come, but this also a battle for my soul as I walk this earth. This battle is a search for fulfillment, a search for acceptance, a search for righteousness, and most importantly a search for one’s self. I yearn to find my worth or my purpose for being here at this time of history. I often pose the question, Why was I created? My reason for being here has to be more then to just take up space or to create havoc, both of which I began my journey doing. These reasons alone cause the war to become more strenuous. Fighting for my soul and questioning my being are why I crave peace and I cry for solace.

I am told that many people fight this battle, but I remain blind to their existence. Because when I look into others eyes and I don’t see the turmoil that I see when I look into the mirror and gaze through the windows of my own soul. I see people using others, robbing others, and desecrating others and themselves without any shame. I see fathers abandoning their children without a second thought of their seed that they themselves planted. I see mothers putting a stranger in front of one which came from their own womb. I see people doing anything for a dollar, including neglecting and destroying their own families. I see people killing their own communities with a drug, a virus, or a gun. I see a government that cares only for those who have and dismiss those who have not, considering the latter as a hazard upon their lives. I see all this and much more but what I do not see is any remorse. They can not be fighting the same war I am, for I still dream of the person I wronged ten years ago, let alone the person I might have mistreated today.
Still I know there has to be others engage in war with the enemy. Because while the enemy is not omniscient like his adversary, he still has been given dominion over this world. There has to be others that fight him daily as well, even with that being said I still believe that I am alone. For their battle is their and mine is my own. I have no clue of their daily struggles, as they cannot understand mine. In this way the enemy is clever, for he attacks differently within each person. The funny thing is that like me, most of us know that the enemy has no genuine power at all. Yet we still fight with him daily, it is an interesting paradox.
So in this sense I decide to put my war into writing hoping to find some relief of my burdens. Maybe to put an end to this battle I that I have already won but I continue to fight. At the same time I hope to help others, if there are any, who are also fighting this war. May they learn from my mistakes and gain from my triumphs. Hopefully they will have the wisdom differentiate between the two.

Though I want to help others, I claim nothing from the reading of these words. It is almost impossible to help others