The War From Within, James Anthony Love [e textbook reader .txt] 📗

my manhood. The feeling felt so good I did not think that it could feel any better. I was wrong.
“Umm… it looks like some else is too big for its age.” She said as she unzipped my pants and exposed me. “Boy, you are blessed.”
She looked like she was filled with awe, as she stroke me with her smooth hands. My mind wondered away from the moment as I wonder what she meant when she said that I was blessed. I was blessed because she thought that my penis was large, I thought that I would have traded that blessing any other time but this one.
My thoughts were pulled back to the bedroom when she kissed me on my stomach, slowly easing her way downward. I stopped breathing has she inched closer and closer. I had seen this in the dirty magazine and had fantasized about it and now it was really happen, I wondered why it was not feeling the way that I thought it would.
Inside I knew what I was doing was wrong, and what She was doing was wrong. I wanted to tell her to stop, but I wanted her to keep on going. I could not explain the feelings that I felt in that moment. I felt a mixture of pleasure and anguish, both feelings struggling to overcome the other. I thought that I must have been going crazy, because any other sane boy would have killed to be in that bed with Miss Nikki. There I was contemplating on telling her to stop I had to be losing my mind. However some thing inside told me that I knew that what we were doing was wrong and that the outcome of this act would lead to no good.
With that being said when she placed me inside of her mouth, all of the anguish feelings were flushed out by pleasure. A euphoric feeling washed over my body, and I knew then that I was not going any where.


As I walked home that night, love flowed fluidly through my veins. The feelings of guilt were long gone, replaced by feelings of bliss and happiness. I knew that I had just experienced something special, something that was too right to be wrong. I just knew that Nikki loved me just as much as I loved her, she had showed me. She was my girl and now I was her man, that was the way I thought things worked after you had sex, and just the thought kept a smile plastered onto my face.
I did not think about the fact that she was the same age as my mother, eighteen years older than me, or the fact that other than her name and how she looked I did not know a single thing about this woman. And the fact that even if a deranged older woman would have sex with an eleven year old boy, I doubt that she would want to be in a public relationship with him, seeing how it was illegal. I did not think about this things because they did not matter, Nikki and I were in love and that is all that matter.
I woke up the next morning with a smile on my face. I had gotten up earlier then usually, especially on a holiday break, because I could not wait to see Nikki’s face. Also I did not want to go her apartment empty handed so I wanted to go to the store as soon as they opened.
I had heard, mostly from eavesdropping, that women loved flowers and chocolate. So I had decided to surprise my new woman with a bouquet flowers, because I only had enough money for one thing and flowers just sounded more expensive.
I took a bath and brush my teeth. I picked out the best clothes that I owned, a used Chaps t-shirt, my blue jeans, and my black tennis shoe. I checked the mirror before I left and I thought that I looked good, I had brushed my hair, something that I never did. I took one more look at myself in the mirror, to make sure that I did not have anything on my face, and I left for the door. Before I left I stopped by Emma’s room and to my surprise she was in there asleep. I quickly peeped my head in a little further and saw that there was a man lying in bed with her. Normally this would have upset me, but it did not bother me that day because Nikki had filled the void left by Emma. I did not care that she chose to sleep with another man, or get high rather than be with her son. That was yesterday’s news, when I was a child. I had awoken that morning as a full-fledged man.
As I walked outside I noticed that the sun was shining and that the wind had calmed down. It was quiet and peaceful because no one was outside yet. As I walked passed Nikki’s building I envisioned the look on her face when I gave her the flowers. I knew that she would kiss me automatically and we would end up in her room making love again. While the sun continued to beam it’s warmest onto me I thought to myself that it was a beautiful day. It was a perfect day and it could not be ruined by anything.

It was almost noon when I made my way up the stairs to Nikki’s apartment. I was holding a single rose in my hand that I had pick from one of the bushes outside of our apartment complex, apparently the store thought that flowers sounded expensive also, I held the rose out in front of me has I knocked at her door. She must have been expecting me because she did not even asked who it was like last night, she just started to unlocked the locks on the door.
“You’re early I was not rea…”her voice trailed off when she looked down and saw my face. “What the hell are you doing here?”
I was taken back by her words and her tone. What did she mean what was I doing here.
“I’m here to see you and I got that this for you.” I said as I handed her the rose.
A momentarily looked of tenderness swept across her face, but it was quickly replaced by a repulsive look has she said, “Thanks, now I have a date coming so you are going to have to get ghost.” Then she tossed the rose on the couch and began to shut the door.
The words I have a date ran through my head as I put my foot between the door and the wall to stopped it from closing.
“You didn’t tell me that you had a boyfriend, what about us and what happen last night.” I yelled at her angrily.
She laughed at my anger and said, “Boyfriend, I ain’t got no boyfriend. I said I got a date and it pays very good…”
I was confused but I had to focus because she kept on, “and I just hooked you up last night because it was your birthday. Shit, I was high as hell and figured what the hell, but you like all those other broke Niggas, coming back trying to get some booty for free. Bringing that funky ass rose little boy please you got to pay to play. You got any money?”
As she asked I saw her rubbing her forearm rapidly, something that I had saw Emma do on several occasions.
She did not let me answer the question as she continued, “That’s what I thought, listen honey you are not going to get anything in this life for free especially not no loving as good as this! Now get you broke ass out from in front of my door.”
I did not move, but her other words were starting to sink in. I had lost my innocence to a prostitute. I drug addicted prostitute. I thought she loved me but she was only doing me a favor and she only did that because she was high.
She had used me like a drug dealer. A drug dealer would give samples of his product out for free knowing that the user would be back for more. When the person return addicted he made them pay for their high. This is what Miss Nikki thought was going on here but contrary to her belief, I was back because I thought that I loved her and that she loved me. Instead I was standing in front of her door looking like an obsessed john.
The pain was incomparable.
“You’re a hoe!” I said spitefully, wanting her to hurt liked I was hurting.
“Boy, no you didn’t” She said as she swung her open hand to my face.
I reacted fast enough to catch her hand in mid swing. I grabbed a hold onto her wrist and twisted, causing her body to collapse to the floor. She looked up to me with tears in her eyes as she begged me to like her go. I no longer saw a beautiful woman in front of me, I saw an ugly, wicked, and deceitful woman. I saw Emma and I wanted to kill her for making a fool out of me. However, as the rage and evil thoughts tried to consume my body, something told me that it was not worth it and that it would not ease the pain nor would it bring me any pleasure.
I let go of her arm and said, “Don’t you ever put your dirty hands on me again.”
I literally meant it in more ways than one.
The tears that formed in my eyes were merely fragments compared to the ocean of pain that I felt inside. I walked away without saying anything and without looking back.
As I came down stairs Mr. Pearson was going up whistling with a huge smile on his face. He was so happy that he did not even see me, because I am sure he would have recognized my face. As I watched he departed to the second floor my heart sank and my hatred rose to a new level.


I went home and took a shower trying to wash her smell away from my body. It did not work. Her intoxicating aroma still teased my senses. I could still feel her soft touch as if she was gently caressing my body. I could feel the warmth of her body pushing up against mine. Her presence was stuck to me, because I had experience something meant only for her appointed husband. Now she would always be with me, heartbreak would accompany her for the ride.
Each thought of her added fuel to the fire that was my rage. I hated the feeling of hopeless that I had, it felt like the sun was not going to rise again. The pain was deep and dark, causing me to want to close my eyes and never open them again. Though what good that would do I did not know, because I still saw her face from behind my close eyelids. The pain that came with those images was excruciating. I immediately associated the feeling with love. If I would not have love her so much then I would not be hurting some much. Love was the blame for all of my pain, without it I would be fine. I promised myself that I would never be a sucker again.
All forms of love became detestation for me. I would no longer stand for being a victim to its heinous attacks. Like a caged animal who found freedom, I told myself that