Mr. Punch with the Children, J. A. Hammerton [good book club books .TXT] 📗
- Author: J. A. Hammerton
Book online «Mr. Punch with the Children, J. A. Hammerton [good book club books .TXT] 📗». Author J. A. Hammerton
"IN STRANGE ATTIRE"
"Nurse! Nurse! Bobby's out of bed, and running about in his bananas!"
[Pg 31]
PROOF
"You won't go in that dark room alone by yourself, Tommy."
"Oh! won't I? You just come with me, and see me do it!"
[Pg 32]
INCONTROVERTIBLE
"And how old are you, my little man?"
"I'm not old at all. I'm nearly new!"
The Force of Classic Teaching.—Master. Now, boys, what is Hexham famous for?
Binks Minor. Making the hexameter, sir.
[Waits afterwards.
Proverbs Revised.—"One is better than two." Mother. You are a very naughty little girl!
Little Girl (after some thought). Aren't you glad I wasn't twins, mummy?
[Pg 33]
MISUNDERSTOOD
Mild Old Gentleman rescues a bun which child has dropped in the mud.
Child (all aglow with righteous indignation). "That's my bun!"
True Sentiment.—"I'm writing to Mrs. Montague, Georgie—that pretty lady you used to take to see your pigs. Haven't you some nice message to send her?"
"Yes, mummie; give her my love, and say I never look at a little black pig now without thinking of her!"
[Pg 34]
Chemist. "Pills, eh?" (Emphasising question) "Anti-bilious?"
Child (readily). "No, sir; uncle is!"
[Pg 35]
Mother. "Now, dear, why don't you run away and give grandpa a kiss?" Child (somewhat nonplussed by grandpapa's moustache and beard). "I don't see any place for it, mamma!"
[Pg 36]
"Sauce for the Goose," &c.—Ethel. "Mummy dear, why did you tell Richard you 'weren't at home' just now?" (Pause.) "Mummy, I mean——" Mamma. "When Sir Fusby Dodderidge called? Why, Ethel dear, because he bores me." Ethel. "Oh!" (After thoughtfully considering the matter with regard to her governess). "Then may I say I'm not at home when Miss Krux calls to-morrow? for she bores me awfully?"
[Pg 37]
At the Rink.—Little Girl. "Oh, Captain Sprawler, do put on your skates, and show me the funny figures you can make." Captain S. "My dear child, I'm only a beginner. I can't make any figures." Little Girl. "But Mabel said you were skating yesterday, and cut a ridiculous figure!"
[Pg 38]A Little Knowledge.—Daisy (who has been studying Chrysanthemums).—Maisy, do you know what's a Double Begonia?
Maisy (who has been studying the Classics).—"Double Big-onia"? Yes! Of course, it's the plural of one big onion.
Maidenly Etiquette.—Little Chris (ætat eight). I've a birthday party on Thursday, Evie. I should like you to come.
Little Evie (ætat nine). I should love to, dear.
Little Chris. But I couldn't, you know, unless you asked me to tea first.
In the Library.—Tommy. How beautifully those books is binded!
Little Dot. No, Tommy, that's wrong. You mustn't say "binded"; you should say, "are bounded."
Superlative Assurance.—Papa (To Little Chris). I can't quite understand you. Was it Mr. Jones, or Mr. David Jones, or Mr. Griffith Jones, whom you met?
Little Chris (stoutly). All I know is, it was the third eldest Mr. Jones.
[Pg 39]
Mabel (stroking kitten, a new present). "Mother, kitty's so hot! Ought she to sit so near the fire?" (Kitten purrs.) "Oh, mother, listen! She's beginning to boil!"
[Pg 40]
A Virtue of Necessity.—Aunt Maria. What a good little boy to leave your little friends to come with a poor old auntie like me.
Master Douglas. Oh, mother always makes us do nasty things and things we don't like.
Master Tommy's Receipts.—(The Fair Weather Barometer.) This is a pleasing and simple experiment. The mercury is removed, and divided in equal portions between the cat, the parrot next door, and the interior of grandpapa's forty-guinea repeater. This may cause some local disturbance, but the barometer, relieved of undue pressure, and set at "very dry," may be relied on to indicate, without further attention, permanent fair weather.
At the Board School.—Inspector. Now, can any of you children state what is likely to be the future of China?
One Maiden (after a pause). Please sir, father says that China's like him.
Inspector. Like him! What do you mean?
The Maiden. Sure to be broken by the force of circumstances.
[Class dismissed immediately.
[Pg 41]
AN INNOCENT HINT
Auntie. "What is Nellie's nose for?"
Nellie (doubtfully). "To smell with."
Auntie. "And what is Nellie's mouth for?"
Nellie (cautiously). "To eat with."
Auntie. "And what are Nellie's ears for?"
Nellie (confidently). "Ear-rings."
[Pg 42]
A Little Knowledge!—Miss Tomboy. Mamma, I think those French women were beastly rude.
Mother. You mustn't speak like that of those ladies, it's very wrong. And how often have I told you not to say "beastly"?
Miss Tomboy. Well, they were rude. They called me a little cabbage (mon petit chou). The next time they do that I shall call them old French beans.
Soliloquy.—"I should like that engine. Can't afford it myself. They won't buy it for me at home—too soon after Christmas. Must go in and ask the girl to put it aside for me till next time I have the croup or something; then mother 'll buy it me!
"TOO CLEVER BY HALF"
Tommy and Johnnie were boys at school,
Tommy was clever, but Johnnie a fool;
Tommy at lessons was sharp and bright,
Johnnie could never do anything right.
Genius often is known to fail;
Tommy turned forger, and went to jail.
Johnnie, though slow as he well could be,
Plodded away and became M.P.
[Pg 43]
"Conservation of Tissue."—Uncle. "Well, Tommy, you see I'm back; are you ready? What have I to pay for, miss?" Miss. "Three buns, four sponge cakes, two sandwiches, one jelly, five tarts, and——" Uncle. "Good gracious, boy! Are you not ill?" Tommy. "No, uncle; but I'm thirsty."
[Pg 44]
Benevolent Old Gentleman. "Now then, little boy. What do you mean by bullying that little girl? Don't you know it's very cruel?"
Rude Little Boy. "Garn! wot's the trouble? She's my Sweetheart!"
[Pg 45]
Grandpapa. "Well little lady, will you give me a lock of that pretty hair of yours?" Marjory. "Yes, granpa'; but"—(hesitating)—"I don't fink one lock would be enough, would it?"
[Pg 46]
"DADDY'S WAISTCOAT"
(Sketched from Life in Drury Lane.)
[Pg 47]
A STORY WITHOUT WORDS
[Pg 48]
The Case for the Defence.—Mother. Oh, Dicky, what terrible things you do keep in your pockets! Fancy, a dead crab!
Dicky. Well, mother, it wasn't dead when I put it there!
Happy Thought.—"Why, my boy, you've spelt window without an N! Don't you know the difference between a window and a widow?"
"Yes, sir. You can see through one—and—and—you can't see through the other, sir!"
The Young Idea Again.—(Scene—Fourth-standard room of an elementary school. Children reading.) Inspector (to the Teacher). What are they reading about?
Teacher. American Indians.
Inspector. I will ask them a few questions. (To children.) What is a Red Indian's wife called? (Many hands up). Tell me.
Scholar. A squaw, sir.
Inspector. What is a Red Indian's baby called? (Silence. At last a boy volunteers.) Well, my boy?
Boy. Please, sir, a squaker!
[Pg 49]
A CAUTION TO LITTLE BOYS AT THIS FESTIVE SEASON
Mamma. "Why, my dearest Albert, what are you crying for?—so good, too, as you have been all day!"
Spoiled Little Boy. "Boo-hoo! I've eaten so—m-much be-eef and t-turkey, that I can't eat any p-p-plum p-p-pudding!"
[Oh, what a very greedy little fellow.
[Pg 50]
A Modern Paris.—Schoolmaster. Now, boys, supposing that the goddesses Diana, Venus, and Juno were to appear before you, what would you do with this apple?
Brown Minimus. Please sir, I'd eat it before they asked for it?
A Point unsettled in History.—Lucy (to her elder sister who has just been relating a thrilling episode in the life of William Tell). And was the little boy allowed to eat the apple afterwards?
Master Tommy's Receipts.—(Household ginger beer.)—Empty the kitchen spice-box, two pounds of washing soda, a pint of petroleum, and all the wine left in the dining-room decanters over night, into the cistern, and stir freely in the dark with a mop from the staircase window. When the water comes in in the morning, the whole household will be supplied from every tap for four-and-twenty hours with capital ginger beer.
In Distress.—Mummy! Mummy! Come back! I'm frightened. Here's a horrid dog staring at me with his teeth.
[Pg 51]
Child (in berth of night steamer). "Mummy, I'm so sleepy. I want to go to bed." Mother. "But you are in bed dear." Child. "No, I'm not. I'm in a chest of drawers!"
[Pg 52]
The Force of Example.—(This is the second time that Madge has pricked her finger—the first time it bled so much that mamma felt quite faint, and had to drink a glass of sherry; now it's Jack's turn). Mamma. "Well, what's the matter with you, Jack?" Jack. "Oh! I feel rather faint, that's all. Is there such a thing as a bun in the house?"
[Pg 53]
The Festive Season.—Tommy (criticising the menu of the coming feast). "Very good! Tray bong! And look here, old man! Mind you put plenty of rum into the baba—Dolly and Molly like it, you know—and so do I!" Monsieur Cordonbleu (retained for the occasion). "Certainement, mon p'tit ami! But are you and ces demoiselles going to dine viz de compagnie?" Tommy. "Oh nong! But just ain't we going to sit on the stairs outside, that's all!"
[Pg 54]
At the Zoo.—Little Girl (after seeing many queer beasts). "But there aren't really such animals, nurse, are there?"
[Pg 55]
At the Christmas Party.—Uncle George. "Don't over-eat yourself, Jimmy, my boy. I never did when I was your age." Jimmy (sotto voce). "When did you begin, then?"
[Pg 56]
AN EARLY PURITAN
Bobby (who sees his mamma in evening dress for the first time, and doesn't like it). "I'll write and tell papa!"
[Pg 57]
Gertie. "Oh, Mr. Brown, papa says that Mrs. Brown leads you by the nose. Is that why it's so long?"
[Pg 58]
At a Christmas Juvenile Party.—Aunt Florence. "I will find you a partner, Ethel, dear. Between ourselves, now, have you any choice?" Miss Ethel. "Well, auntie, I should prefer one with a moustache!"
[Pg 59]
A Cry from the Heart.—Little Dunce (looking up suddenly from her history book). "Oh, mummy, darling, I do so wish I'd lived under James the Second!" Mamma.
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