Mr. Punch with the Children, J. A. Hammerton [good book club books .TXT] 📗
- Author: J. A. Hammerton
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EXPERIENTIA DOCET.—Master George (whispers). "I say! Kitty! Has mamma been telling you she'd give you 'a lovely spoonful of delicious currant jelly, O so nice, so VERY nice'?" Miss Kitty. "Ess Cullen' jelly! O so ni', so welly ni'!" Master George. "THEN DON'T TAKE IT!!"
[Pg 132]
Evil Communications, &c.—Elder of Twins. "It's very vulgar to say 'you be blowed' to each other, like those men do. Isn't it, Uncle Fred?" Uncle Fred. "I believe it is generally considered so, my dear!" Elder of Twins. "Yes, indeed! Ethel and I, you know, we always say, 'you be blown!'"
[Pg 133]
Mens Conscia.—Inspector (who notices a backwardness in history). "Who signed Magna Charta?" (No answer.) Inspector (more urgently). "Who signed Magna Charta?" (No answer.) Inspector (angrily). "Who signed Magna Charta?" Scapegrace (thinking matters are beginning to look serious). "Please, sir, 'twasn't me, sir!!"
[Pg 134]
"Trop de Zele!"—(Tommy, a conscientious boy, has been told that he must remain perfectly still, as his mamma wants to take a nap.) (Tommy in the middle of the nap). "Mamma! Mamma! what shall I do? I want to cough!"
[Pg 135]
TENDER CONSIDERATION
"Oh, don't make faces at him, Effie! It might frighten him, you know!"
[Pg 136]
"BY PROXY."
Humorous Little Boy. "Plea' sir, will you ring the bottom bell but one, four times, sir?"
Old Gent (gouty, and a little deaf, but so fond o' children). "Bottom bell but one, four times, my boy?" (Effusively.) "Certainly, that I will!"
[In the meantime off go the boys, and, at the third peal, the irritable old lady on the ground floor——Tableau!
[Pg 137]
News from Home.—Aunt Mary. "I've just had a letter from your papa, Geoffrey. He says you've got a little brother, who'll be a nice companion for you some day!" Geoffrey. "Oh!——does mummy know?"
[Pg 138]
UTILE CUM DULCI
Arry. "Ain't yer comin' along with me, Bill?"
Piscator (the Doctor's Boy). "No, I ain't a comin' along with you, I tell yer! I'm a runnin' on a errand."
[Pg 139]
Zoology. (It appears to be coming to that at the Board Schools.)—Examiner (to small aspirant to the twenty-fourth standard). "Can you tell me anything peculiar about the cuckoo, in regard to nesting?" Student. "Yes, sir. Please, sir, he don't lay his own eggs hisself, sir!!"
[Pg 140]
THEIR FIRST VISIT TO THE ZOO
Tommy. "Them ain't donkeys, Billy?"
Billy. "Yus, they is! They're donkeys with their football jerseys on!"
[Pg 141]
A Spoilt Story.—Brown (in the middle of tall shooting story). "Hardly had I taken aim at the lion on my right, when I heard a rustle in the jungle grass, and perceived an enormous tiger approaching on my left. I now found myself on the horns of a dilemma!" Interested Little Boy. "Oh, and which did you shoot first—the lion, or the tiger, or the d'lemma?"
[Pg 142]
Uncle (about to start for a concert at Marine Pavilion). "But, my dear Nora, you don't surely propose to go without your shoes and stockings?" Nora. "I'm in evening dress, uncle—only it's the other end."
[Pg 143]
The Tertium Quid.—"Do you know, Mabel, I believe if I weren't here, Captain Spooner would kiss you." "Leave the room this instant, you impertinent little boy!"
[Pg 144]
A Clincher.—"Get up, and see the time, Eva. I don't know how to tell it." "No more do I." "O, you horrid story-teller, I taught you myself!"
[Pg 145]
CIRCUMSTANCES ALTER CASES
"What! all that for grandpa."
"No, darling. It's for you."
"Oh! what a little bit!"
[Pg 146]
BRUSHING PA'S NEW HAT
Edith. "Now, Tommy, you keep turning slowly, till we've done it all round."
[Pg 147]
Mother. "But, Jacky, I don't think a clock-work engine would be a good toy for you to give baby. He's such a little thing, he'd only break it." Jacky. "Oh, but, mother, I'd promise you I'd never let him even touch it!"
[Pg 148]
THE FESTIVE SEASON
Precocious Infant. "Help yourself, and pass the bottle!"
[Pg 149]
Different Points of View.—Maud (with much sympathy in her voice). "Only fancy, mamma, Uncle Jack took us to a picture gallery in Bond Street, and there we saw a picture of a lot of early christians, poor dears, who'd been thrown to a lot of lions and tigers, who were devouring them!" Ethel (with still more sympathy). "Yes, and mamma dear, there was one poor tiger that hadn't got a christian!"
[Pg 150]
Mother (to son, who has been growing rather free of speech). "Tommy, if you promise not to say 'hang it!' again, I'll give you sixpence." Tommy. "All right, ma. But I know another word that's worth half-a-crown!"
[Pg 151]
BETWEEN THE ACTS
Governess. "Well, Marjorie, have you done crying?"
Marjorie. "No—I haven't. I'm only resting!"
[Pg 152]
A Wise Child.—Inspector. "Suppose I lent your father £100 in June, and he promised to pay me back £10 on the first of every month, how much would he owe me at the end of the year? Now think well before you answer." Pupil. "£100, sir. Inspector. "You're a very ignorant little girl. You don't know the most elementary rules of arithmetic!" Pupil. "Ah, sir, but you don't know father!"
[Pg 153]
Conscientiousness.—Miss Fitzogre. "Well, good-bye, Percival, and be a good boy!" Percival (a very good boy, who has just been specially warned not to make personal remarks about people in their presence). "Good-bye, I'll not tell nurse what I think of your nose till you're gone!"
[Pg 154]
Porter. "Why is the little girl crying, missie?" Little Girl. "'Cos' she has put her penny in there, and no choc'late nor nuffing's come'd out!"
[Pg 155]
NOT UNLIKELY
"Well, well! And was baby frightened of his daddy den!"
[Pg 156]
Dorothy (who has found a broken nest-egg). "Oh, mummy, what a pity! My black hen will never be able to lay any more eggs. She's broken the pattern!"
[Pg 157]
WASTED SYMPATHY
Kind-hearted Lady. "Poor child! What a dreadfully swollen cheek you have! Is it a tooth?"
Poor Child (with difficulty). "No 'm—it's a sweet!"
[Pg 158]
PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL
"I'll tell you something, Miss Bullion. My sister Maud's going to marry your brother Dick. But don't say anything about it, 'cos he doesn't know it himself yet!"
[Pg 159]
Softly. "Yes, I was b-b-orn with a s-s-s-ilver s-s-poon in my m-m-m-outh." Kitty. "Oh, Mr. Softly, is that why you stutter?"
[Pg 160]
Well up in her Mythology.—Tommy. "Madge, what's 'necessitas,' masculine or feminine?" Madge. "Why, feminine, of course." Tommy. "Why?" Madge. "Why, she was the mother of invention."
[Pg 161]
WHAT TOMMY OVERHEARD
Mrs. Jinks. "That's Signor Scrapeski just passed. He plays the violin like an angel."
Tommy. "Mummy, dear, do the angels say 'dam' when a string breaks?"
[Pg 162]
QUESTION AND ANSWER
Mamma. "Who was the first man, 'Lina?"
'Lina. "I forget."
Mamma. "Already? Why, Adam, to be sure! And who was the first woman?"
'Lina (after a thoughtful pause). "Madam!"
[Pg 163]
SHEER IGNORANCE
Benevolent Person. "Come, my little man, you musn't cry like that!"
Boy. "Garn! 'Ow am I to cry then?"
[Pg 164]
"I say, Billie, teacher says as if we 'angs our stockings up on C'ris'mas Eve, Santa Claus 'll fill 'em with presents!" "It'll take 'im all 'is time to fill mine. I 'aven't got no foots in 'em!"
[Pg 165]
On his Dignity.—Sam. "Mamma bought me a pair of gloves yesterday." Auntie. "Really! What are they? Kids?" Sam. "No, they're men's."
[Pg 166]
Sharp (but vulgar) little boy. "Hallo, missus, wot are those?" Old Woman. "Twopence." Boy. "What a lie! They're apples."
[Exit, whistling popular air.
A Difficult Case.—Mamma. You're a very naughty boy, Tommy, and I shall have to buy a whip, and give you a good whipping. Now will you be good?
Tommy (with hesitation). Shall I be allowed to keep the whip after, mammy?
[Pg 167]
Old Gent. "Do you know what a lie is, sir?" Little Boy. "Oh, don't I, jest; I tells lots of 'em."
[Pg 168]
Old Lady. "No, thanks. I don't want any for the garden to-day." Boy. "Well, then, can we sing yer some Christmas carols instead?"
[Pg 169]
OVERHEARD IN BOND STREET
"Which of 'em would yer 'ave for a muvver, Billy?
[Pg 170]
EXPERIENTIA DOCET
"And are you going to give me something for my birthday, aunty Maud?"
"Of course, darling."
"Then don't let it be something useful!"
[Pg 171]
Mamma. "You mustn't bowl your hoop in the front on Sunday. You must go into the back garden." Tommy. "Isn't it Sunday in the back garden, mamma?"
[Pg 172]
A PROTEST
"And pray, am I never to be naughty, Miss Grimm?"
[Pg 173]
A NEW TEST
Aunt (in alarm). "Surely you've eaten enough, haven't you, Tommy?" Tommy (in doubt). "F-f-f-feel me!"
[Pg 174]
Sunday Schooling.—Teacher. What does one mean by "Heaping coals of fire on someone's head" now, Harry Hawkins?
Harry Hawkins. Givin' it 'im 'ot, teacher!
Auntie. Do you love the chickens, dear?
Dolly. Yes, Auntie. But I do wish this big one hadn't such a funny laugh!
Bilious Old Uncle. "I'm delighted to see this fall; it will give that dreadful boy chilblains, and he'll be laid up out of mischief."
[Pg 175]
Occupation of "that dreadful boy" at the same period.
Chronology.—Old Gentleman ("putting a few questions"). Now, boys—ah—can any of you tell me what commandment Adam broke when he took the
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