Author: J. A. Hammerton

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whole!"

Tommy. Quite so, uncle. But, as I'm not very hungry, I'll only take a whole one.

[Pg 87]

An Eye to the Main Chance.—The Major. You're a very nice fellow, Tommy! Don't most people tell you so?

Tommy. Yes, they does. And they often gives me something!

LOST, OR, LUCID INFORMATION

Kind-hearted Old Gent. "There, there, don't cry! What's your name and where do you live!"

Chorus. "Boohoo! We'se Doolie's twins."

[Pg 88]

"Sancta Simplicitas."—"Auntie, ought Bertie Wilson to have smiled so often at me in church?"

"No, dear. Where was he sitting?"

"Behind me."

[Pg 89]

Philanthropic Old Lady (to little boy caressing dog). "That is right, little boy, always be kind to animals." Little Boy. "Yes, 'm. I'll have this tin can tied to his tail soon's I've got him quiet."

[Pg 90]

"Poor likkle doggie—hasn't got any fevvers on!"

[Pg 91]

Master Tom. "Wish I could catch a cold just before Christmas."

Effie. "Why?"

Master Tom. "Well, ma's always sayin', 'feed a cold.' Wouldn't I? Just!"

[Pg 92]

"Please, auntie, may I have the fairy off the Christmas tree—if I don't ask you for it?"

[Pg 93]

Shocked Mother. "Oh, Tommy! What have you been doing?" Tommy (who has just returned from the first day of a preliminary course at the village school). "Fighting with Billy Brown." Mother. "That horrid boy at the farm? Don't you ever quarrel with him again!" Tommy. "I ain't likely to. He can lick me!"

[Pg 94]

RUDIMENTS OF ECONOMY

"May I leave this piece of bread, nurse?"

"Certainly not, Miss May. It's dreadful wasteful! and the day may come when you'll want a piece of bread!"

"Then I'd better keep this piece of bread till I do want it, nurse. Hadn't I?"

[Pg 95]

Blue Fever.—Visitor (after a long discourse on the virtues of temperance). "I'm glad to see a little boy here wearing the blue ribbon. That's a good little fellow. Persevere in your good——"

Billie Groggins. "Please, sir, I'm Hoxford!"

[Pg 96]

"Oh! just ain't people proud what have got pairasoles."

A Discussion on Diet.—Little Chris (to little Kate.) Does your governess get ill on mince pies?

Little Kate. I don't know! Why?

Little Chris. 'Cause mine does. At dinner to-day she said, "If you eat any more of that pastry, I know you'll be ill." So she must have been so herself.

[Conference broken up by arrival of the lady in question.

[Pg 97]

WHAT IS IT?

First Boy (loq.). "I tell yer its 'ed's here!—I seen it move!"

Second Do. "I say it's at this end, yer stoopid!—I can see 'is ears!"

[Pg 98]

Dolly. "Auntie, that's what I've done for the cow-drawing competition at school." Auntie. "But it is more like a horse than a cow." Dolly. "It is a horse. But, please, don't tell teacher!"

[Pg 99]

"THE GENTLE CRAFT"

Preceptor (after a lecture). "Now, what are the principal things that are obtained from the earth?"

Pupil (and "disciple of Izaak Walton"). "Worms, sir!"

[Loses fifty marks!

[Pg 100]

A Confession.—Day Governess. "How is it your French exercises are always done so much better than your Latin ones?"

Tommy (after considering awhile). "I don't think auntie knows Latin."

[Auntie, who was about to enter, quickly and quietly retires.

[Pg 101]

"What are you doing in that cupboard, Cyril?" "Hush, auntie! I'm pretending to be a thief!"

[Pg 102]

RETALIATION

"Tut, tut, my boy! You must not beat that little dog so. Has he bitten you?"

"No, 'e ain't. But 'e's bin an' swallered my fardin!"

[Pg 103]

A REMINISCENCE OF LENT

"And did you both practise a little self-denial, and agree to give up something you were fond of?—sugar, for instance,—as I suggested?"

"Well, yes, auntie! Only it wasn't exactly sugar, you know! It was soap we agreed to give up!"

[Pg 104]

SUBTLE DISCRIMINATION

Ethel (to Jack, who has been put into the corner by the new governess). "I'm so sorry for you, Jack!"

Jack. "Bosh! who cares! This ain't a real corner, you know!"

[Pg 105]

A CANDID INQUIRER

"I say, John, is there anything I haven't tasted?"

"No, sir, I think not—except water!"

[Pg 106]

Eva. "Mother says I am descended from Mary Queen o' Scots." Tom. "So am I then, Eva." Eva. "Don't be so silly, Tom! You can't be. You're a boy!"

[Pg 107]

Old Gent. "Is it a board school you go to, my dear?" Child. "No, sir. I believe it be a brick one!"

[Pg 108]

Kitty. "Is your wound sore, Mr. Pup?" Mr. Pup. "Wound! What wound?" Kitty. "Why, sister said she cut you at the dinner last night!"

[Pg 109]

Little Boy. "How many steps can you jump, grandma? I can jump four!"

[Pg 110]

INDUCTION

"Is this the new baby, daddy?"—"Yes, dear."

"Why, he's got no teeth!"—"No, dear."

"And he's got no hair!"—"No, dear."

"Oh, daddy, it must be an old baby!"

[Pg 111]

"It's an ill wind blows nobody good."

Horrified little girl (seeing her mamma in evening dress for the first time). Oh, mummy, you're never going down like that! You've forgotten to put on your top part!

[Pg 112]

"Hi, silly! Come 'ere out of the rine!"

English History.—"And who was the king who had so many wives?"

"Bluebeard!"

[Pg 113]

HER FIRST WASP

Poor Effie (who has been stung). "First it walked about all over my hand, and it was so nice! But oh!—when it sat down!"

[Pg 114]

Very Natural.—"Vell, and vat to you sink tit happen to me at Matame Tussaud's de oder tay? A laty dook me for vun of de vax vickers, and agdually abbollochised vor her misdake!"

"O what fun, Mr. Schmitz! And was it in the Chamber of Horrors?"

[Pg 115]

True Distinction.— Mamma (improving the occasion). "I like your new suit immensely, Gerald! But you must recollect that it's not the coat that makes the gentleman!" Gerald. "No, mamma! I know it's the hat!"

[Pg 116]

Little Montague. "I was awake when Santa Claus came, dad!" Father. "Were you? And what was he like, eh?" Little Montague. "Oh, I couldn't see him—it was dark, you know. But when he bumped himself on the washstand he said——" Father (hastily). "There, that'll do, Monty. Run away and play!"

[Pg 117]

A Rara Avis.—Little Girl (finishing her description of the Battle of Cressy). "And ever since then the Prince of Wales has been born with feathers!"

[Pg 118]

A Head for Business.— Mamma. "I meant to give you a threepenny bit this morning, Bobby, but in my hurry I think I gave you sixpence, so——" Bobby. "Yes, mummy, but I haven't spent it all yet. So will you give it me to-morrow?" Mamma. "Give you what, dear?" Bobby. "The threepenny bit you meant to give me to-day!"

[Pg 119]

THE CHILD OF THE PERIOD

"Why did that policeman touch his hat to you, aunty? Have you got one as well as nurse?"

[Pg 120]

BEFORE THE HEAD

Fourth Form Boy (with recollections of a recent visit to the dentist). "Please, sir, may I—may I—have gas?"

Adding Insult to Injury.—"Mamma, isn't it very wicked to do behind one's back what one wouldn't do before one's face?"

"Certainly, Effie!"

"Well, baby bit my finger when I was looking another way!"

[Pg 121]

"By Authority."—Street Boy (sternly). "P'lice-Serge'nt says as you're t' have your door-way swep' immediat'; an' (more meekly) me an' my mate's willin' to do it, s'!

[Pg 122]

Old Gentleman (who has received a present of butter from one of his tenants). "And how does your mother make all these beautiful patterns on the pats, my dear?" Messenger. "Wiv our comb, sir!"

[Pg 123]

A FATAL OBJECTION

"Mother, are the Wondergilts very rich?" "Yes, Silvia, very." "Mother, I hope we shall never be rich?" "Why, darling?" "It must be so very expensive!"

[Pg 124]

Lady. "Have you lost yourself, little boy?"

Little Boy. "No—boo-hoo—I've found a street I don't know!"

[Pg 125]

"ENFANT TERRIBLE"

"I've brought you a glass of wine, Mr. Professor. Please drink it!"

"Vat! Pefore tinner? Ach, vy?"

"Because mummy says you drink like a fish, and I want to see you——!"

[Pg 126]

THE SPREAD OF EDUCATION

"Come and 'ave a look, Marier. They've been and put a chick on a lidy's 'at, and they don't know 'ow to spell it!"

[Pg 127]

"WELL OUT OF IT"

Uncle. "And you love your enemies, Ethel?"

Ethel (promptly). "Yeth, uncle."

Uncle. "And who are your enemies, dear?"

Ethel (in an awful whisper). "The dev——"

[The old gentleman doesn't see his way further, and drops the subject.

[Pg 128]

OUR CHILDREN

Nurse. "You dreadful children! Where have you been?"

Young Hopeful. "Oh, nursie, we've been trying to drown those dear little ducks, but they will come to the top!"

[Pg 129]

Auntie. "Do you know you are playing with two very naughty little boys, Johnny?" Johnny. "Yes." Auntie. "You do! I'm surprised. Why don't you play with good little boys?" Johnny. "Because their mothers won't let them!"

[Pg 130]