Mr. Punch's Railway Book, J. A. Hammerton et al. [digital ebook reader .txt] 📗

Scene—Interior of Third-Class Smoking Compartment. First Passenger, apparently a small Suburban Tradesman, of a full and comfortable habit, seated by window. To him enters a seedy but burly Stranger, in a state of muzzy affability, with an under-suggestion of quarrelsomeness.

The Stranger (leaning forward mysteriously). Yer saw that gentleman I was a torkin' to as I got in? Did yer know 'oo he was?

First Passenger (without hauteur, but with the air of a person who sets a certain value on his conversation). Well, he didn't look much like the Archbishop of Canterbury.

The S. He's a better man than 'im! That was Brasher, the middling weight! he giv me the orfice straight about Killivan and Smifton, he did!

First P. (interested, as a lover of the Noble Art of Self Defence). Ah! did he, though?

The S. He did; I went up to him, and I sez,[Pg 54] "Excuse me," I sez, like that, I sez, "but are you an American, or a German?"

First P. (with superiority). He wouldn't like that—being taken for a German.

The S. (solemnly). Those were my very words! And he sez, "No, I'm a Yank," and then I knoo 'oo 'e was, d'ye see? and so (hazily) one word brought up another, and we got a torkin'. If I was to tell you I'd seen Killivan, I should be tellin' yer a lie!

First P. Well, I won't ask you to do that.

The S. (firmly). Nor I wouldn't. But you've on'y to look at Smifton to see 'e's never 'ad a smack on the 'ed. Now, there's Sulton—'e's a good man, 'e is—'e is a good man! Look 'ow that feller knocks 'isself about! But if I was to pass my opinion, it 'ud be this—Killivan's in it for science, he ain't in it to take anything; you may take that from me!

First P. (objecting to be treated as an ing�nu). It's not the first time I've heard of it, by a long way.

The S. Ah! and it's the truth, the Bible truth (putting his hand on First P.'s knee). Now, you b'leeve what I'm a'goin' to tell yer?

First P. (his dignity a little ruffled). I will—if it's anything in reason.

The S. It's this: My opinion of Killivan and Sulton's this—Sulton brought Killivan out. I'm on'y tellin' yer from 'earsay, like; but I know this myself—one lived in 'Oxton, and the other down Bermondsey way. 'E's got a nice little butcher's business there at this present moment; and 'e's a mug if 'e turns it up!

First P. (axiomatically). Every man's a mug who turns a good business up.

The S. Yer right! And (moralising) it ain't all 'oney with that sort o' people, neither, I can tell yer! I dessay, now, when all's put to the test, you're not a moneyed man—no more than I am myself?

First P. (not altogether flattered). Well—that's as may be.

The S. But I b'leeve yer to be a man o' the world, although I don't know yer.

First P. (modestly). I used to be in it at one time.

The S. (confidentially). I'm in it now. I don't get my livin' by it, though, mind yer. I'm a mechanic, I am—to a certain extent.[Pg 58] I've been in America. There's a country now—they don't over-tax like they do 'ere!

First P. (sympathetically). There you 'ave touched a point—we're taxed past all common sense. Why, this very tobacco I'm smoking now is charged——

The S. Talkin' of terbaccer, I don't mind 'aving a pipe along with yer myself.

First P. (handing his pouch with a happy mixture of cordiality and condescension). There you are, then.

The S. (afflicted by sudden compunction as he fills his pipe). I 'ope I'm not takin' a libbaty in askin yer?

First P. Liberty? rubbish! I'm not one to make distinctions where I go. I'd as soon talk to one man as I would another—you're setting your coat alight.

The S. I set fire to myself once, and I never live in 'opes of doing so agen! It's a funny thing with me, I can smoke a cigar just as well as I could a short pipe. I'm no lover of a cigar, if you understand me; but I can go into company where they are, d'ye see?

First P. (shortly). I see.

The S. (with fresh misgivings). You'll excuse me if I've taken a libbaty with yer!

First P. (with a stately air). We settled all that just now.

The S. (after a scrutiny). I tell yer what my idear of you is—that you're a Toff!

First P. (disclaiming this distinction a little uneasily). No, no—there's nothing of the toff about me!

The S. (defiantly). Well, you're a gentleman, anyway?

First P. (aphoristic, but uncomfortable). We can all of us be that, so long as we behave ourselves.

The S. (much pleased by this sentiment). Right agen! give us yer 'and—if it's not takin a libbaty. I'm one of them as can't bear to take a libbaty with no matter 'oo. Yer know it's a real pleasure to me to be settin' 'ere torkin' comfortably to you, without no thought of either of us fallin' out. There's some people as wouldn't feel 'appy, not without they was 'aving a row. Now you and me ain't like that!

First P. (shifting about). Quite so—quite so, of course!

The S. Not but what if it was to come to a row between us, I could take my part!

First P. (wishing there was somebody else in the compartment). I—I hope we'll keep off that.

The S. (devoutly). So do I! I 'ope we'll keep off o' that. But yer never know what may bring it on—and there it is, d'ye see! You and me might fall out without intending it. I've bin a bit of a boxer in my day. Do you doubt my word?—if so, say it to my face!

First P. I've no wish to offend you, I'm sure.

The S. I never take a lie straight from any man, and there you 'ave me in a word! If you're bent on a row, you'll find me a glutton, that's all I can tell you!

First P. (giving himself up for lost). But I'm not bent on a row—qu—quite otherwise!

The S. You should ha' said so afore,