Mr. Punch's Railway Book, J. A. Hammerton et al. [digital ebook reader .txt] 📗
- Author: J. A. Hammerton et al.
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Wonder if they'll send to meet me at the station.
Wonder (if they don't send) whether there's a fly or an omnibus.
Wonder where their house is.
Wonder if the station-master knows where their house is.
Wonder what a fly will charge.
Wonder what I shall do if they don't send, and there isn't a fly or an omnibus.
Wonder what time they dine.
Wonder if I shall have time to write a letter before dinner.
Wonder, for the sixth time, whether I gave my writing-case to the guard, or left it in the cab.
Wonder if I did leave it in the cab.
Wonder if this is where I get out.
Small Station.Wonder if the guard is right in saying that, as I'm going to Redditon, it doesn't matter whether I get out at the next station, Stonnhurst, or Morley Vale, the next but one.
Wonder for which place my luggage was labelled.
Wonder whether after getting out at Stonnhurst I shall have to go back for my luggage to Morley Vale.
Wonder if I do right in deciding upon getting out at Stonnhurst.
Stonnhurst.Wonder if my luggage has gone on to Morley Vale.
Wonder if I left my umbrella in the carriage, or forgot to bring it.
Wonder how far it is from Stonnhurst to Morley Vale.
Wonder if they've sent a trap to meet me at Morley Vale.
Wonder why, when people invite one to come down to some out-of-the-way place, they don't tell one all these difficulties in their letter.
[Pg 156]
Wonder if they'll have sense enough to drive to Stonnhurst from Morley Vale.
Wonder if I shall meet them on the road if I walk there.
Wonder which is the road.
Wonder, in answer to demand at the station-door, where I put my ticket.
Wonder if I dropped it in the carriage.
Wonder what I can have done with it.
Wonder if I put it into the side pocket of my overcoat when I took out my lights.
Wonder where the deuce my overcoat is.
[Pg 129]
Scene—Chancery Lane "Tube" Station.
First Lift Man. "A good time comin' for me, mate. What O, for a bit of a chinge!"
Second Lift Man. "What's up, then?"
First Lift Man (in impressive tones). "Got shifted to the Bank—beginnin' Monday!"
[Pg 131]
FOND DELUSION
First Tourist (going north). "Hullo, Tompk——"
Second Ditto (ditto, ditto). "Hsh——sh! Confound it, you'll spoil all. They think in the train I'm a Highland chief!!"
[Pg 133]
FOR LADIES ONLY
"Reserved Carriages."(See "Day by Day" in "Daily News")
"If you travel in one, you run greater risks than in travelling in the ordinary carriages. I have known railway officials allow men to jump into them at the last moment before the train starts, with a mutual wink at each other and a very objectionable grin."
[Pg 134]
A DISENCHANTMENT
Northern Crœsus. "Oh! I'm so glad to meet you here, Mr. Vandyke Brown. The fact is, I've a commission for you!"
Our Youthful Landscape Painter (dissembling his rapture). "All right—most happy—what is it to be?"
Northern Crœsus. "Well—my aged grandmother is going to London by this train—and I want to put her under your protection."
[Our Youthful Landscape Painter dissembles again.
[Pg 135]
PATENT FIRST-CLASS COSTUME FOR THE COLLISION SEASON
Traveller. "Yes, it's decidedly warm, but there's a feeling of security about it I rather like." (Yawns.) "Any chance of a smash to-day!?"
[Drops off to sleep!
[Pg 136]
JUDGING BY APPEARANCES
Undersized Youth. "Now then, first return, Surbiton, and look sharp! How much?"
Clerk. "Three shillings. Half-price under twelve!"
[Pg 137]
COLD COMFORT
Traveller (waiting for train already twenty minutes late). "Porter, when do you expect that train to come in?"
Porter. "Can't say, sir. But the longer you waits for it, the more sure 'tis to come in the next minute."
[Pg 139] "THE NURSERY SALOON ON THE RAILWAY" Our Artist's Notion of what we may expect if the Suggestion were Adopted
The saloon is fitted with refreshment bar, replete with all baby delicacies.
Patent swing sleeping cradlescan be secured
by wire or letter. Rattles can be obtained at most
of the large stations. Efficient nurse guards, to look after the babies, travel by all trains. The saloon is fitted with amusing toys, to beguile the tedium of long journeys.
[Pg 140]
RAILWAY PUZZLE
To find the name of the station.
[Pg 141]
VICARIOUS!
(On the Underground Railway)
Irascible Old Gentleman (who is just a second too late). "Confound and D——!"
Fair Stranger (who feels the same, but dare not express it). "Oh, thank you, so much!"
[Pg 142]
UNDERGROUND RAILWAY
Old Lady. "Well, I'm sure no woman with the least sense of decency would think of going down that way to it."
[Pg 143]
REGULAR IRREGULARITY
Passenger (in a hurry). "Is this train punctual?"
Porter. "Yessir, generally a quarter of an hour late to a minute!"
[Pg 145]
Perspiring Countryman (who has just, with the utmost difficulty, succeeded in catching train). "Phew! Just saved it by t'skin o' my teeth!"
[Pg 146]
"'TIS BETTER NOT TO KNOW"
Impudent Boy (generally). "Try yer weight—only a penny!" (To lady of commanding proportions in particular.) "'Tell yer 'xact weight to a hounce, mum!"
[Pg 147]
APPALLING DISCLOSURES OVERHEARD BY AN OLD LADY IN THE CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO RUFFIANS IN A RAILWAY CARRIAGE.
First Artist. "Children don't seem to me to sell now as they used."
Second Artist (in a hoarse whisper). "Well, I was at Stodge's yesterday. He'd just knocked off three little girls' heads—horrid raw things—a dealer came in, sir—bought 'em directly—took 'em away, wet as they were, on the stretchers, and wanted Stodge to let him have some more next week."
[Pg 149]
NECESSITIES OF LIFE
"Yes, my lady. James went this morning with the hunters, and I've sent on the heavy luggage with Charles. But I've got your pencil-case, the bicycle, your ladyship's golf clubs and hunting crop and billiard cue, the lawn tennis racket, the bezique cards and markers, your ladyship's betting book and racing glasses and skates and walking-stick—and if I've forgotten anything I can easily wire back for it from the first station we stop at."
[Pg 150]
A STRIKING ATTITUDE
Patience on a trunk waiting for a cab
[Pg 151]
THE RAILWAY JUGGERNAUT OF 1845
[Pg 152]
AFTER A DERBY-WINNER-DINNER
Diner. "Ticket."
Clerk. "What station?"
Diner. "Wha-stashun ve-you-got?"
[Pg 153]
"THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM"
Mr. Foozler (who, while waiting for the last train, has wandered to the end of the platform, opened the door of the signal-box, and watched the signalman's manipulations of the levers for some moments with hazy perplexity, suddenly). "Arf o' Burt'n 'n birrer f' me, guv'nor!"
[Pg 154]
"Third-class single to Ruswarp, please, and a dog ticket. How much?"
"Fourpence-halfpenny—threepence for the dog, and three-halfpence for yourself."
"Ah! you reckon by legs on this line."
[Pg 155]
THE QUESTION SETTLED
Mrs. M-l-pr-p. "The fact is, my love, that these terrible collusions would never occur if the trains was only more punctilious!"
A Needless Panic.—Mrs. Malaprop is puzzled to know what people mean when they talk of the present alarming Junction of affairs. She hopes it has nothing to do with the railways, in which she has some Deference shares.
Thought by a Railway Director.—Britannia used to rule the waves. She now rules the land—with lines.
[Pg 157]
THE OLD HALL (A Story of Delusive Aspirations)
1. Jones was a tuft-hunter. One day, in a train, he encountered an elderly gentleman who aroused great interest in his bosom. "Porter," said that elderly gentleman, "'ave you seen my old hall?" "Got an old hall!" murmured Jones to himself. "Rich man—probably duke! Should like to cultivate him!"
2. The stranger was affable. "Did you ever 'ave an old hall?" he said. "Why—er—n-no," said Jones. "Very convenient thing to 'ave," said the stranger. "I've got all manner o' things in my old hall." "Ah—armour, and ancestors, and tapestry, and secret doors, no doubt," thought Jones to himself.
3. "You must see my old hall," said the stranger. "I'll show you all the ins and outs of it. I can put you up——" "Really very good of you!" exclaimed Jones. "Shall be delighted to accept——" "Put you up to no hend of wrinkles about old halls," continued the stranger.
4. They alighted at the terminus. "There—there's my old hall! Hain't it a beauty?" said the stranger. Jones sank slowly to the earth, without a groan. That ungrammatical stranger's vaunted possession was a hold-all.
RULES FOR THE RAIL A REMINISCENCE OF THE BAD OLD DAYSThe President of the Board of Trade having sent a circular to the railway companies with reference to making provisions for the prevention of accidents and the enforcement of punctuality, especially in connection with the running of excursion trains at this period of the year, the following regulations will probably come under consideration.
1. In future one line will be kept (when feasible) for up trains, whilst the other is reserved for the use of down-trains. This rule will not apply to luggage and mineral trains, and trains inaccurately shunted on to lines on which they (the trains) have no right to travel.
2. Station-masters should never permit a train to start more than forty minutes late, except when very busy with the company's accounts.
3. As complaints have been made that signalmen are overworked, these officers in future will occupy their boxes during the morning only. During the rest of the day the boxes will be closed. That the public may suffer no inconvenience by this arrangement, the trains will continue running by day and by night as heretofore.
4. A pointsman will be expected to notice all signals and to obey them. He will be required, before leaving his post (when on duty), to order one of his children to look after the points during his absence. The child he selects for this office should be at least three years old.
5. The driver and stoker in charge of an engine[Pg 164] should never sleep at the same time unless they have taken proper precautions beforehand to prevent an excessive consumption of the company's fuel.
6. When a luggage train is loading or unloading beside the platform of a station, it will be desirable to recollect the time at which an express is due, as unnecessary collisions cause much damage to the rolling stock, and not unfrequently grave inconvenience to first-class passengers.
7. The d�bris of a train should be removed from the rails before an express is permitted to enter the tunnel in which an accident has taken place. As non-compliance with this rule is likely to cause much delay to the traffic, it should be obeyed when feasible.
8. As guards of
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