Mr. Punch's Railway Book, J. A. Hammerton et al. [digital ebook reader .txt] 📗
- Author: J. A. Hammerton et al.
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9. In future, contracts from surgeons and chemists will be accepted on the same terms as those already received from refreshment caterers.
10. The public having frequently experienced inconvenience in having to leave the station when requiring medical attention, in future the waiting-rooms of the third-class passengers will be converted into surgeries for first-class passengers. As these saloons will be fitted with all the latest inventions in surgical instruments, a small extra charge will be made to passengers using them.
11. The directors (in conclusion) fully recognising the responsibility conferred upon them by the shareholders, if not by the public, will expel from their body in future (as a person evidently of unsound mind) any director convicted of travelling by any railway.
[Pg 158]
ABOLITION OF SECOND-CLASS CARRIAGES
"Are there any second-class carriages on this line, Rogers?"
"No, my lord."
"Ah! then take two first-class tickets, and two third."
"Beg pardon, my lord! But is me and Mrs. Parker expected to go third class?"
"Gracious heavens! No, Rogers! not for the world! The third-class tickets are for my lady and me!"
[Pg 159]
The old lady is supposed (after a great effort) to have made up her mind to travel, just for once, by one "of those new fangled railways," and the first thing she beholds on arriving at the station, is the above most alarming placard.
[Pg 160]
"TIME BY THE FORELOCK"!
Dodger. "Hullo, how are you! Can't stop, though, or I shan't miss my train!"
Codger. "Catch it, you mean."
Dodger. "No, I don't. I always used to miss my right train, so now I always miss the one before it, and get home in time for dinner! Ta, ta!"
[Pg 161]
APRIL 1
Mamma. "Oh, I am so glad to meet you, professor. You know everything. Do tell me what time the train that stops nowhere starts."
[For once the professor is not ready.
[Pg 162]
UNNECESSARY REMARKS
"What! Have you missed it?"
[Pg 163]
"OVERCAST"
They were out for a day in the country—were late at the station—he left it to her to take the tickets—a horrid crowd—frightfully hot—and she was hustled and flustered considerably when she reached the carriage.
He (cool and comfortable). "How charming the yellow gorse——"
She (in a withering tone). "You didn't 'xpect to see it blue, I s'ppose!"
[Tacet!]
[Pg 165]
A DELIGHTFUL REMINISCENCE OF THE BOAT-RACE
Sweep (to a carriage full of light blue ribbons). "Won't yer make room for a little 'un, ladies and gents? I'm for the Cambridge lot!"
[Pg 166]
PRIVILEGES OF HIGH RANK
Railway Gatesman. "It's agin the rules, my lady, openin' o' the gate like this; but it ain't for the likes o' me to keep yer ladyship a waitin'."
Noble Countess. "Why is it against the rules, my good man?"
Railway Gatesman. "Well, my lady, the 5.17 down express has been doo these ten minutes!"
[Pg 167]
"THE NEWS"
Season-Ticket Holder (airily). "'Morning, station-master. Anything fresh?"
Station-Master ("bit of a wag"). "N-no, sir, not that I've—— ah!—yes—now I think of it, sir—that's fresh paint you're leaning agai——!"
[Violent pas seul, with language to match.
[Pg 168]
A REAL GRIEVANCE
Porter at Junction. "Phew! All this luggage registered in advance and not a bloomin' tip do I get for handling it."
BLACKFRIARS TO SLOANE SQUAREThe man who got in at Blackfriars
Was smoking the foulest of briars,
But it went out all right—
Could I give him a light?—
Hadn't got one—well, all men are liars.
I've frequently noticed the Temple
Is a place there are not enough rhymes to;
And that's why I've made
This verse somewhat blank,
And rather disregarded the metre.
[Pg 170]
How do you pronounce Charing Cross?
It's a point where I'm quite at a loss.
Some people, of course,
Would rhyme it with "horse,"
But I always rhyme it with "hoss."
A woman at Westminster Bridge
Had got just a speck on the ridge
Of her Romanesque nose.
"It's a black, I suppose,"
She observed. Then it flew—'twas a midge.
One man from the Park of St. James,
Had really the loftiest aims;
In the hat-rack he sat,
Used my hair as a mat,
And when I demurred called me names.
I bought from the stall at Victoria
A horrible sixpenny story, a
Book of a kind
It pained me to find
For sale at our English emporia.
I found when I got to Sloane Square
That my ticket was gone; my despair
Was awful to see,
Till at last to my glee
I looked in my hat—it was there!
As Shylock Said.—Railway shareholder, with shares at a discount. "Give me my principal, and let me go."
[Pg 169]
SO LIKELY!
Scene—Bar of a railway refreshment-room.Barmaid.. "Tea, sir?"
Mr. Boozy. "Tea!!! ME!!!!"
[Pg 171]
A SPEEDY RETRIBUTION
Small Boy. "'Arf ticket ter Baker Street."
[Pays, and awaits delivery of ticket
Clerk. "It's a shameful thing, a kid like you smoking!"
Small Boy (indignantly). "Who are yer callin' a kid? I'm fourteen!"
Clerk. "Oh, are you? Then you pay full fare to Baker Street!"
[Pg 172]
A HINT TO RAILWAY TRAVELLERS
By breathing on the glass—and holding a speaking doll by way of baby to the window—you may generally keep your compartment select.
SOMEBODY'S LUGGAGEIf you see half-a-dozen new patent leather covered basket-trunks with a name written upon all of them, in staring white characters, accompanied by a gigantic portmanteau and three hat-boxes, you may know that the Honourable Lionel and Rowena Silverspoon have started on their wedding-tour.
If you see a weather-beaten portmanteau,[Pg 174] accompanied by a neat little trunk and a pretty little birdcage, you may know that Edwin and Angelina Dovecot are going to Ventnor for the honeymoon.
If you see a big carpet-bag, accompanied by a large white umbrella and a tin colour-box, you may know that Daub, A.R.A., is going to Brittany in search of subjects.
If you see an overcrowded portmanteau, accompanied by a double-locked despatch-box, you may know that urgent private affairs have induced Captain Bubble (Promoter of Public Companies) to leave the City hurriedly for Spain.
If you see a small bundle, accompanied by a pair of handcuffs, you may know that urgent public affairs have induced Sergeant Smart (of the Detective Police) to follow the same route taken by Captain Bubble en voyage for Spain.
If you see twenty-four patent reversible extra waterproof holdalls, with all the latest improvements, painted blue, green, yellow, and red, and covered with hotel labels, accompanied by thirty-seven deal packing cases, you may know that Colonel Jerusalem R. X. E. Squash, U.S.A., and family are engaged in "doing" Europe.
If you see fifteen trunks, all more or less damaged, accompanied by an old portmanteau and a double perambulator, you may know that Mr. and Mrs. Paterfamilias and children are going to Herne Bay for a month.
If you see, in conclusion, a neat knapsack and a spiked walking-stick, you may know that Mr. Punch is off to Switzerland to enjoy himself.
[Pg 173]
ADJUSTMENT
Our Station-Master (to old Jinks, whom he had kindly provided with a foot-warmer on a journey down the line to see his sick daughter). "Well, did you find the benefit of it, Master Jinks?"
Old Jinks. "Oh, aye, thankee, Mr. Green! Tha' there box o' hot water tha' wor uncommon' comfor'able, sure-ly! I sat on 'm the whol' o' the way, an' tha' did warm me up to-rights, I can tell 'ee!!"
[Pg 175]
Passenger. "Well, you say you've put all my luggage safe, what are you waiting for?—I thought you were forbidden to take money!"
Porter. "So we is, sir. We never 'takes' it—it's 'given to us!'"
[Pg 176]
THE LIMITED MALE.
Song for Engine-Drivers before a Collision.—"Whistle—and I'll come to you, my lad."
"Reading between the lines" is a dangerous occupation—when there's a train coming.
The High-metalled Racer.—A locomotive engine.
[Pg 177]
A DEFINITION WANTED
"Beg pardon, sir, but don't you see the notice?"
"Yes, my good fellow, but I never said I was a gentleman!"
[Pg 178]
MY SEASON TICKETEver against my breast,
Safe in my pocket pressed,
Ready at my behest,
Daintily pretty
Gilt-printed piece of leather,
Though fair or foul the weather,
Daily we go together
Up to the City.
Yet, as I ride at ease,
Papers strewn on my knees,
And I hear "Seasons, please!"
Shouted in warning:
Pockets I search in vain
All through and through again;
"Pray do not stop the train—
Lost it this morning.
No, I have not a card,
Nor can I pay you, guard—
Truly my lot is hard,
This is the reason,
Now I recall to mind
Changing my clothes, I find
I left them all behind,—
Money, cards, 'season.'"
Motto for the South-Eastern Company's Refreshment Rooms.—"O Swallow, Swallow, flying, flying south!"
[Pg 179]
AN INQUIRING MIND
"Is this our train, aunty?"
"No, dear."
"Whose train is it?"
[Pg 180]
["An 'Imperial Railway Administration' is now a part of Chinese bureaucracy."—Daily Paper.]
If China is to have railways, of course the dragon must enter into the design of the locomotives, &c., as above.
[Pg 181]
MASHONALAND RAILWAY
["Sir Charles Metcalfe, the engineer, is now busy at Umtali arranging for the station at that place."—Daily Telegraph.]
Umtali station in the near future. The Boo-Boola express just due.
[Pg 182]
THE FLYING SCOTCHMAN
AT A RAILWAY STATION
Never the time and the train
And the station all together!
My watch—set "fast" in vain!
Slow cab—and foggy weather!
I have missed the express again.
It was all the porter's fault, not mine,
But his mind is narrow, his brain is bleak,
His slowness and red tape combine
To make him take about a week
To label my bag—and he dared to speak,
When I bade him hurry, bad words, in fine!
O epithet all incarnadine,
Leave, leave the lips of the working-man!
It is simply past
All bounds—aghast
My indignation scarce hold I can.
My watch may have helped to thus mislead,
My cab by the fog have been stayed indeed;
But still, however these things may be,
Out there on the platform wrangle we—
Oh, hot and strong slang I and he,
—I and he!
[Pg 183]
SYMPATHY
Passenger (in a whisper, behind his paper, to Wilkins, who had been "catching it" from the elder lady). "Mother-'n-law?"
Wilkins (in still fainter whisper). "Ye'"
Passenger. "'Got just such 'nother!"
[They console together at the next buffet.]
[Pg 184]
THE ROUGH'S RAILWAY GUIDE
The ready rough may always regard a third-class carriage, or indeed, any carriage he can make his way into
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