readenglishbook.com » Humor » Mr. Punch's Book of Sport<br />The Humour of Cricket, Football, Tennis, Polo, Croquet, Hockey, Racin, J. A. Hammerton and Linley Sambourne [top non fiction books of all time .txt] 📗

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align="left">...... 0 Le Marquis de Carousel (receives a blow from the boule de canon on the front bone of his leg, and is compelled to relinquish the contest), b. Jones-Johnson. ...... 0 [Pg 40] M. Busson (receives a severe contusion of the cheek-bone from the boule de canon, which is delivered with murderous intent by a swift "round-and bowlsman"), b. Jones-Johnson. ...... 0 Le G�n�ral Grex (hits his three wickettes into the air, in a daring attempt to stop the boule de canon with his batsman's club), b. Jones-Johnson. ...... 0 Le Duc de Septfaces (has his pince-nez shattered to atoms by the boule de canon, and, being unable to see, withdraws from the "innings"), b. Jones-Johnson. ...... 0 M. Carillon, M. le docteur Girofl�, le Professeur d'Equitation (all the three being given, in turn, "out, legs in front of the wickette," leave the ground to arrange a duel with the Umpire), b. Jones-Johnson. ...... 0 M. de Montmorency (on reaching the wickette and seeing the terrible approach of the boule de canon, has a shivering fit which obliges him to sit down), b. Jones-Johnson. ...... 0 [Pg 41] M. Jolibois, coming in last, triumphantly avoids the "overre," and is, in consequence, not out. ...... 0

The English 'Ome Team.

Jones-Johnson, not out...... 3276
Brown-Smith,  not out...... 3055

So the game stood at the end of the fifth day, when, spite all the efforts of "All France," even the putting on of three "Bowlsmen" at once, it was found impossible to take even one of the "'Ome-team" wickettes. Yet the contest was maintained by the "Outside" with a[Pg 42] wonderful heroism and �lan, for though by degrees, in nobly attempting to stop the flight of the boule de canon as it sped on its murderous course, driven by the furious and savage blows of the batsmen in all directions over the field, the fieldsmen, one by one, struck in the arms, legs, head and back, began to grow feeble under their unceasing blows and contusions, still one and all from the "Long-leg-off" to the indomitable "Longstoppe," faced the dangers of their situation with a proud smile, indicative of the noble calm of an admirable spirit. So, Monsieur, the game, which was not finished, and which, in consequence, the Umpire, with a chivalrous generosity, announced as "drawn," came to its conclusion. You will understand, from the perusal of the above, the direction in which my Committee will be likely to modify the rules of the game, and simplify the apparatus for playing it, so as to give your "Cricquette" a chance of finding itself permanently acclimatised in this country.

Accept, Monsieur, the assurance of my most distinguished consideration,

The Secretary of the Paris Athletic Congress.

[Pg 35]

THE "LEVIATHAN BAT."

Or Many-Centuried Marvel of the Modern (Cricket) World, in his high-soaring, top-scoring, Summer-day Flight. (Dr. William Gilbert Grace.)

Winged cartoon of Dr. W. G. Grace.

As champion him the whole world hails,

Lords! How he smites and thumps!

It takes a week to reach the bails

When he's before the stumps.

"Chevy Chase" (revised).

[Pg 37]

Spectators at cricket match.

Caught at Lord's.—Cambridge Swell. "Aw, Public Schools' match! Aw, nevar was at one before! Not so bad!"

Stumpy Oxonian. "Ours in miniatu-are! Ours in miniatu-are!!"

Man eating beside horse drawn harrow.

EATIN' v. HARROW

Overweight fielder chasing a ball.

DELIGHTFUL OUT-DOOR EXERCISE IN WARM WEATHER

Running after "another four!" at cricket, amidst derisive shouts of "Now then, butter-fingers!"—"Oh! Oh"—"Throw it in! Look sharp!"—"Quick! In with it!" &c. &c.

Pneumatic leg guard.

SUGGESTION FOR THE CRICKET SEASON
The new pneumatic leg guard. (Mr. Punch's patent.)

[Pg 43]

Boy talking to imposing figure.

FORM

Public School Boy (to General Sir George, G.C.B., G.S.I., V.C., &c., &c., &c.). I say, Grandpapa,—a—would you mind just putting on your hat a little straighter? Here comes Codgers—he's awfully particular—and he's the captain of our eleven, you know!"

Laura (who wishes to master the mysteries of Cricket). "But then, Emily, what happens if the bowler gets out before the batter?"

[Emily gives it up!

[Pg 44]

Boy with Peer of the realm.

EATIN' BOY AT LORD'S

Small Boy Cricket.—Father. Well, and how did you get on? Small Boy. Oh, I kept wicket and caught one out. It came off his foot. Father. But that wouldn't be out. Small Boy. Oh, yes, it was. The umpire gave it out. You see, it hit him "below the elbow."

To Cricketers.—What would you give a thirsty batsman? Why, a full pitcher.

Cricketing and Fashionable Intelligence.—We hear that a distinguished member of the Cricketing Eleven of All England is going to be married. It is said that the object of his affections is a Beautiful Catch.

[Pg 45]

WICKET JOKES

By Dumb-Crambo Junior.

Cow tossing small animal.

WINNING THE TOSS



Crocodile chasing man.

FOLLOWING ON, AND OPENING WITH A WIDE



Man reading copy of 'Tom Jones'.

EXCELLENT FIELDING



Man boring listeners.

LONG STOP



Man bowling at wooden leg.

BOWLING HIS OFF STUMP



Courting couple at gate.

CAUGHT AT THE WICKET

[Pg 46]

Squabble at urchin's cricket match.

PRECEDENCE AT BATTERSEA

"Garn! The treasurer goes in before the bloomin' seckertary!"

THE CRY OF THE CRICKETER

(In a Pluvial Autumn.)

Rain, rain, go away,

Come again before next May!

The driving shower and chilling raw gust

Are most inopportune in August.

Rain has a chance to reign, remember,

Till early summer from September.

Why come and spoil cricket's last pages,

Our wickets—and our averages?

[Pg 47]

Cricketers preparing to defend cricket ground.

LORD'S IN DANGER. THE M. C. C. GO OUT TO MEET THE ENEMY

["Sir Edward Watkin proposes to construct a railway passing through Lord's Cricket Ground."]

[Pg 48]

Batsman talking to wicket keeper.

Our Opening Match.—"I say, Bill, you've got that pad on the wrong leg." "Yus, I know. I thought as I were goin' in t' other end!"

[Pg 49]

Cleric talkimg to cricketer.

"Cricketing Intelligence."—Sporting Old Parson (to professional player). "Why is a ball like that called a 'yorker,' sir?" Professional Player. "A 'yorker,' sir? Oh, when the ball's pitched right up to the block—-" Sporting Parson. "Yes, yes—I didn't ask you what a 'yorker' was"— (with dignity)—"I know that as well as you do. But why is it called a 'yorker'?" Professional Player. "Well, I can't say, sir. I don't know what else you could call it!"]

[Pg 50]

KING CRICKET

The canny Scot may talk a lot

Of golf and its attraction,

And "putt" and "tee" for him may be

A source of satisfaction;

While maidens meek with rapture speak

Of croquet's fascination,

Tho' I suspect 'twere more correct

To call their game "flirtation."

But cricket's the thing for Summer and Spring!

Three cheers for cricket, of all games the king!

The man who boats his time devotes

To rowing or to sailing,

In shine or rain he has to train,

With energy unfailing.

A tennis set finds favour yet

With merry men and matrons.

In lazy souls the game of bowls

Is not without its patrons.

A day that's fine I do opine

Is much to be desired;

An "even pitch" I ask for, which

Is certainly required;

Then add to that a "steady bat,"

A bowler "on the wicket,"

A "field" that's "smart," then we can start

The noble game of cricket.

[Pg 51]

CRICKET

Drawn with a stump by Dumb-Crambo Junior.

Tom Bowling with girl.

BOWLING STARTED WITH A MAIDEN



Men ignored by lady.

A CUT FOR THREE



Carriage ride to Gretna Green.

A DRIVE TO THE OFF FOR A COUPLE



Child saved from falling over.

CAUGHT AT SLIP



Bear up a pole taking a bun.

TAKEN AT POINT



Lady buying from street seller.

WIDE BAWL AND BUY

[Pg 52]

THE LADY CRICKETER'S GUIDE

Bowling.

1. Should you desire to bowl leg-breaks, close the right eye.

2. Off-breaks are obtained by closing the left eye.

3. To bowl straight, close both.

Batting.

1. Don't be afraid to leave the "popping" crease—there is another at the other end.

2. County cricketers use the curved side of the bat for driving.

3. A "leg glance" is not football.

4. When "over" is called, don't cross the wicket.

Fielding.

1. Stop the ball with your feet. If you are unable to find it, step on one side.

2. To catch a ball, sit down gracefully and wait.

[Pg 54]

3. When throwing in from the country, aim half-way up the pitch; you may then hit one of the wickets—which one I don't know.

Postscript.

The spirit in which the game should be played is best shown by the following extract from the Leicester Daily Mercury:—

Barrow Ladies v. Thrussington Ladies.

"Barrow went in first, but were dismissed for sixteen. Only three Thrussington ladies batted, owing to the Barrow team refusing to field, because the umpire gave Miss Reid in for an appeal for run out."

[Pg 53]

Two men talking at a cricket match.

Two Sides to a Question.--Major Podmore. "Congratulate you, dear boy!" Disappointed Cricketer. "What do you mean? Bowled first ball--never got a run!" Major Podmore. "Quite so, dear boy. But in this hot weather--80� in the shade--so much better, if you can, to take things coolly!"

What is the companion game to Parlour Croquet? Cricket on the Hearth.

Epitaph on an Old Cricketer's Tombstone.—"Out at 70."

Operatic Song for a Cricketer.—"Batti, Batti!"

Sentiment for a Cricket Club Dinner.—May the British Umpire rule the wide world over.

[Pg 55]

CRICKET HITS

By Dumb-Crambo, off his own bat.

Tall man speaking to short man

LONG LEG AND SHORT LEG



Small seaman to his ship.

SHORT MID OFF



Man carving at dinner table.

CUTTING FOR FOUR



Baby with empty bowl.

A CLEAN BOWL

The Battle of the Sexes.—Middlesex v. Sussex.

Cricket Match to Come Off.—The Teetotallers' Eleven v. The Licensed Victuallers'.

Stump Orations.—Speeches at cricket-club dinners.

[Pg 56]

OUR VILLAGE ELEVEN
Cricketer bowling a ball.

TOM BOWLING

Except at lunch, I cannot say

With truth that we are stayers;

Yet, though on village greens we play,

We're far from common players.

The mason blocks with careful eye;

We dub him "Old Stonewall."

The blacksmith hammers hard and high,

And the spreading chestnuts fall.

Sheer terror strikes our enemies

When comes the

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