readenglishbook.com » Humor » Mr. Punch's Book of Sport<br />The Humour of Cricket, Football, Tennis, Polo, Croquet, Hockey, Racin, J. A. Hammerton and Linley Sambourne [top non fiction books of all time .txt] 📗

Book online «Mr. Punch&#039;s Book of Sport&lt;br /&gt;The Humour of Cricket, Football, Tennis, Polo, Croquet, Hockey, Racin, J. A. Hammerton and Linley Sambourne [top non fiction books of all time .txt] 📗». Author J. A. Hammerton and Linley Sambourne



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a cow

Unheeding chewed and grazed.

And Amy's prowess with the ball

Reminds me that her style

Was not so taking after all

As Fanny's skill plus smile.

Yes! Fanny had a winsome laugh,

That round her mouth would wreath,

And make me wonder if her chaff

Was shaped to show her teeth.

They were so pretty, just like pearls

Set fast in carmine case;

Still in the match between the girls

[Pg 80]

Selina won the race.

Selina had such lustrous eyes

Of real sapphire blue,

They seemed one's soul to mesmerise,

And looked one through and through.

Yet Agnes I cannot forget,

She brought me joy with pain.

I would that we had never met——

"Your stroke!" That voice! My Jane!

[Pg 79]

Cricket match.

Bowler. "How's that?" Umpire. "Wasn't looking. But if 'e does it again, 'e's out!"

CROQUET

O feeblest game, how strange if you should rise

To favour, vice tennis superseded!

And yet beneath such glowing summer skies

When wildest energy is invalided,

Mere hitting balls through little hoops

Seems work enough. One merely stoops,

And lounges round; no other toil is needed.

Upon a breezy lawn beneath the shade

Of rustling trees that hide the sky so sunny,

I'll play, no steady game as would be played

By solemn, earnest folks as though for money—

For love is better. Simply stoop,

And hit the ball. It's through the hoop!

My partner smiles; she seems to think it funny.

My pretty partner, whose bright, laughing eyes

Gaze at me while I aim another blow; lo,

I've missed because I looked at her! With sighs

I murmur an apologetic solo.

The proudest athlete here might stoop,

To hit a ball just through a hoop,

And say the game—with her—beats golf and polo.

[Pg 81]

Three men discussing cricket match.

CRICKET—THE PRIDE OF THE VILLAGE

"Good match, old fellow?"

"Oh, yes; awfully jolly!"

"What did you do?"

"I 'ad a hover of Jackson; the first ball 'it me on the 'and, the second 'ad me on the knee; the third was in my eye; and the fourth bowled me out!"

[Jolly game.

[Pg 82]

ADVICE TO YOUNG CROQUET-PLAYERS
Tennis player.

1. Always take your own mallet to a garden party. This will impress everyone with the idea that you are a fine player. Or an alternative plan is to play with one provided by your host, and then throughout the game to attribute every bad stroke to the fact that you have not your own implement with you.

Tennis player.

2. Use as many technical terms as you can, eking them out with a few borrowed from golf. Thus it will always impress your partner if you say that you are "stimied," especially as she won't know what it means. But a carefully-nurtured reputation may be[Pg 84] destroyed at once if you confuse "roquet" with "croquet," so be very careful that you get these words right.

3. Aim for at least three minutes before striking the ball, and appear overcome with amazement when you miss. If you have done so many times in succession, it may be well to remark on the unevenness of the ground. If you hit a ball by mistake always pretend that you aimed at it.

4. It is a great point to give your partner advice in a loud and authoritative tone—it doesn't matter in the least whether it is feasible or not. Something like the following, said very quickly, always sounds well:—"Hit one red, take two off him and make your hoop; send two red towards me and get into position." In a game of croquet there is always one on each side who gives advice, and one who receives (and disregards) it. All the lookers-on naturally regard the former as the finer player, therefore begin giving advice on your partner's first stroke. If she happens to be a good player this may annoy her, but that is no consequence.

Mr. Punch plays tennis.

5. Remember that "a mallet's length from the[Pg 85] boundary" varies considerably. If you play next, it means three yards, if your opponent does so, it means three inches. So, too, with the other "rules," which no one really knows. When in an awkward position, the best course is to invent a new rule on the spur of the moment, and to allege (which will be perfectly true) that "it has just been introduced."

6. Much may be done by giving your ball a[Pg 86] gentle kick when the backs of the other players happen to be turned. Many an apparently hopeless game has been saved by this method. Leave your conscience behind when you come to a croquet-party.

Tennis played in downpour of rain.

GENUINE ENTHUSIASM

Sweet Name for Young Ladies playing Croquet.—Hammerdryads.

Mr. Punch playing croquet.

The Poet of Croquet.—Mallet.

[Pg 83]

Mesh costume.

LAWN-TENNIS COSTUME
(Designed by Mr. Punch.)

[Pg 87]

Two men talking.

"NOUVELLES COUCHES SOCIALES!"

"I say, uncle, that was young Baldock that went by,—Wilmington Baldock, you know——!"

"Who the dickens is he?"

"What! haven't you heard of him? Hang it! he's making himself a very first-rate position in the lawn-tennis world, I can tell you!"

[Pg 88]

Cabbies gambling.

"Sporting."—Cabby (on the rank at the top of our square.) "Beg your pardon, miss!—'takin' the liberty—but—'ow does the game stand now, miss? 'Cause me and this 'ere 'ansom's gota dollar on it!"

[Pg 89]

Child sitting on aunt's lap.

HONI SOIT QUI MAL Y PENSE

Auntie. "Archie, run up to the house, and fetch my racket. There's a dear!"

Archie (preparing to depart). "All right. But I say, auntie, don't let anybody take my seat, will you?"

[Pg 90]

Cadet talking to Grandmother

Barbarous Technicalities of Lawn-Tennis.

Woolwich Cadet (suddenly, to his poor grandmother, who has had army on the brain ever since he passed his exam.). "The service is awfully severe, by Jove! Look at Colonel Pendragon—he invariably shoots or hangs!" His Poor Grandmother. "Good Heavens, Algy! I hope you won't be in his regiment!"

[Pg 91]

Lady talking to large relative.

COMFORTING

Proud Mother. "Did you ever see anybody so light and slender as dear Algernon, Jack?"

Uncle Jack (at thirty-five). "Oh, you mustn't trouble about that, Maria. I was exactly his build at eighteen!"

[Pg 92]

Gardener passing game of tennis.

"Donkeys have Ears."

Emily (playing at lawn-tennis with the new curate). "What's the game, now, Mr. Miniver?" Curate. "Forty—Love." Irreverent Gardener (overhearing). "Did y'ever hear such imperence! 'Love,' indeed! And him not been in the parish above a week! Just like them parsons!"

[Pg 93]

Tennis played over a tall hedge.

LAWN-TENNIS UNDER DIFFICULTIES—"PLAY!"

If space is limited, there is no reason why one shouldn't play with one's next-door neighbours, over the garden wall. (One needn't visit them, you know!)

[Pg 94]

Large man talking to lady on bench.

Stout Gentleman (whose play had been conspicuously bad). "I'm such a wretched feeder, you see, Mrs. Klipper—a wretched feeder! Always was!"

Mrs. Klipper (who doesn't understand lawn-tennis). "Indeed! Well, I should never have thought it!"

[Pg 95]

Couple discussing another couple.

She. "What a fine looking man Mr. O'Brien is!"

He. "H'm—hah—rather rough-hewn, I think. Can't say I admire that loud-laughing, strong-voiced, robust kind of man. Now that's a fine-looking woman he's talking to!"

She. "Well—er—somewhat effeminate, you know. Confess I don't admire effeminate women!"

[Pg 96]

LAWN-TENNIS LOBS

(Served by Dumb-Crambo Junior.)

Drunk seeing double.

GENTLEMEN'S DOUBLES



Man in smart uniform.

SMART SERVICE



Two unaccompanied ladies.

LADIES SINGLES



Boys playing leapfrog

BACK PLAY



Sir Walter Raleigh laying down his cloak.

A SPLENDID RALLY



Attempting to supress a cry of pain.

SMOTHERING THE BAWL



[Pg 97]

Man facing devil.

DEUCE!



Man dancing with two ladies.

TWO SETS TO ONE



Man playing trumpet..

PLAYING UP TO THE NET



Two cherubs playing a board game.

LOVE GAME

"THE SPORT OF THE FUTURE"

["The lawns that were erstwhile cumbered with tennis nets now bristle with croquet hoops, and the sedate mallet has driven out the frisky racquet."—The World.]

Welcome, Reason, on the scene,

Milder influences reviving!

Far too long have pastimes been

[Pg 98]

Senseless, useless, arduous striving,

Brutalising men of strength,

Dangerous to those who lack it:

Lo! it speaks their doom at length—

The decadence of the racket.

Purged from customs fierce and rude

Soon shall sports become more gentle,

(As the grosser kinds of food

Yield the palm to bean and lentil),

Roller skates long since are "off,"

Tennis is no longer O.K.,

Rivals threaten even golf

As the fashion sets for croquet.

Hence, then, cricket, young and vain,

Football, fraught with brutal bustle,

You at Reason's light shall wane—

Modern upstart cult of muscle;

So may purer tastes begin

All our fiercer games refining,

Till, when spelicans come in,

I may get a chance of shining.

Dancing session

LINE BALL



Judge evicting man from court.

OUT OF COURT

[Pg 99]

MORE LAWN TENNIS LOBS

(Served by Dumb-Crambo Junior.)

Couple renting apartment.

A LET



Men sampling vintage port.

'VAUNT-AGE



Man pulling at waiter

SERVING CAUGHT



Man trying to open wine bottle.

SCREW AND TWISTER



Man in dentist's chair.

THE "WRENCHER (RENSHAW) SMASH"



Man holding his head.

SMART RETURNS.

[Pg 100]

Man holding three tennis balls to form pawnbroker's sign

Golden Memories.—"I wonder why Mr. Poppstein serves with three balls?" "Old associations, I suppose."

[Pg 101]

Two men talking.

Smith. "Let me put your name down for this tournament?"

Jones (who thinks himself another Renshaw, and doesn't care to play with a scratch lot). "A—thanks—no! I'd rather not!"

Smith. "Oh, they're frightful duffers, all of them! You'll stand a very fair chance! Do!"

[Pg 102]

Lady and an admirer.

Professional Jealousy.—Miss Matilda (referring to her new lawn tennis shoes, black, with india-rubber soles). "The worst of it is, they draw the feet so!" Our Artist (an ingenuous and captivating youth). "Ah, they may draw the feet; but they'll never do justice to yours, Miss Matilda!"

[Sighs deeply.

[Pg 103]

Scene at tennis match.

TRIALS OF THE UMPIRE AT A LADIES' DOUBLE

Lilian and Claribel. "It was out, wasn't it, Captain Standish?"

Adeline and Eleanore. "Oh, it

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