The Ten Pleasures of Marriage<br />and the Second Part, The Confession of the New Married Couple, A. Marsh [great book club books .txt] 📗

the years out, his Pockets empty, and the Landlady wants mony; besides there are severall other things that he wants, both of Linnen and Woollen; all which things yield an extraordinary Pleasure, especially, if the mony which is sent, without suffring shipwrack, be imploied and laid out for those necessaries.

For some students are so deeply learnt, that they consume the monies they get in mirth and jovialty, and leave their Landladies, Booksellers, Tailors, Shoomakers, and all whom they are indebted to, unpaid. Nay, his own Cousin, that studied at Cambridge, knew very learnedly how to make a cleaver dispatch, with his Pot-Companions, at Gutterlane, of all the mony that was sent him by his Parents, for his promotion; and under the covert of many well studied lies desired more.

But who knows, what wonderfull students tricks, before he is half so perfect, your son will have learnt, to make his Father and Mother merry with; for, as I have heard, he hath gotten so much aquaintance, that he hath the Bookseller to be his friend, who sets down the prizes of the Books he delivers, three times as much again as they are worth; and for the overplus, he, with some other students, are bravely merry together.

Yea, he's come so far himself, that he doth, to get mony, know how to sell his best Authors; and sets in place of them some Blocks very neatly cut and coloured like gallant Books. And if any one comes that will lay their hands upon them; he saith immediately, eat, drink, smoke and be merry to your hearts content; but whatsoever you do, touch not my books; for that's as a Medean Law and an inviolable statute in my Chamber; as it doth, to the same purpose, stand written thus before my Chamber of Books:

Be jolly, sing, and dance; command me with a look,
One thing I do forbid, you must not touch a Book.

The old Proverb saith, it must bend well, before it can make a good hook. But it is easie to be perceived by the beginning, what may be expected from the flexibility of this precious twig. O extraordinary and magnificent pleasure for the Parents, when they see that their son, in so short a time, is so damnably advanced! And so much the more, a little while after, there comes one and tells them by word of mouth, that there were several Schollars, which were playing some antick tricks in the night; and amongst some others both their Son and their Cousin were apprehended, and at this very present sad accusations were brought in against them. In the mean while, the Chancellor, having heard that they are all persons of good Parentage, and that there will be brave greasing in the case, laughs in his fist because such things as those are generally moderated and assopiated by the means and infallible vertue of the correcting finger hearb.

This brings the Parents a fine Bartholomew Baby to play with; and if there ly loosely in a corner a fifty pound bag they will go nigh to see how they may make use of it. And this gives a horrible augmentation to the Pleasures of Marriage! But let them turn it and wind it which way they will, the Parents must go thither, and seek by all means possible according to their ability, to pacific the matter.

As they are upon their journy, they hear in every Town where they come, how debauched and wicked lives the Students leads, not only concerning that which was lately done at Oxford, but at other places also. Which makes them be in no small fear, whether their son, perhaps may not be guilty only of this, but some worser misdemeanor, and is therefore at present clapt up.

Here Master Truetale begins to relate, that lately there were four Students, who for some petulancy, had been at Confession by the Mayor, and he with their vomiting up some Guinies, gave them their absolutions; but they perceiving that hereby their purses were cruelly weakned, and that the return of monies did not come according to expectation, took a resolution to get some revenge of him for it. And he having built a new house, caused it, by a curious Workman, to be neatly painted on the outside: which these four Students seeing, they took a good quantity of Tar, and did so damnably bedawb it, that it looked as if old Nick had been there with his rubbing brush. Which the Mayor seeing in the morning, seemed to be little troubled at it; but said, certainly some body hath done this, that I have taken too little mony of, and therefore in gratitude have, for nothing, thus bepainted my delicately painted house.

But nevertheless the Mayor sends in the evening five or six Spies abroad into those Taverns and Alehouses where the lightest Students generally frequented; who were smoking and drinking there, and amongst other discourses related, how it tickled their fancies, that the covetous Mayor was served such a delicate trik, &c. Whereupon some of them hearing that the action was so much commended, and that the Mayor made no search about it, saies, that was my work with James Smith the Londoner, Jack Dove the Kentishman, and Sanny Clow the Scotch man. Upon this they were all four apprehended in the night, and very cleaverly clapt by the heels, &c.

Hereupon Mistriss Credit, said, There are no such wicked inventers of mischief, as moniless Students; of which we had lately a new example, for some of those Blades wanting mony, were resolved to act this trick, viz. Some few daies before there was a malefactor hanged, and one of them between eleven and twelve of the clock at night, gets hard by the Gallows where he hung, and feigned to be the spirit of the malefactor; sometimes appearing, and then again vanishing; in the mean while the rest of his companions, all separate from each other, as if they had been strangers, placed themselves not far from it. Each of them seemed to be frightned, and shewed unto all the passers by that there was the spirit of the malefactor that was executed. This run forward like wild fire, in somuch that the number of the spectators increased abundantly. And whilest every one was so busie in beholding it, the moniless Students were as serious in picking of their Pockets, cutting the silver buttons off their cloaths, which no body perceived, till the Spirit was vanished, and they were gotten home. So did I know, saith Master Mouth, two necessitous Students, who at a Fair-time, observed that a Country man, having sold some commodities that he brought to Market, had received five or six Crown pieces for them; and went amongst the Booths to buy somthing, but feared in the throng one or another might steal them from him; therefore would not trust them in his Pocket, nor with his Purse in the breast of his doublet; but puts them in his mouth; saying, No body I'm sure can take them from thence, and walks into the Booths, there cheapning a hat; in the mean while, one of these Students goes to the very next Booth, buies some pedling thing, and pulling mony out of his Pocket to pay, saith what a pox is the meaning of this? Just now I had several Crown pieces, and now I have nothing; and since that, there hath no body else been near me, but this Country fellow; and begins to catch him by the shoulders; saying, hark ye Squire, I miss several Crown pieces which I had but just now. This so amazed the Country man, that he began to mumble with the Crown pieces in his mouth; whereupon the Student said, I verily beleeve the villain hath them in his mouth. The Country man answered thereupon, those that I have in my mouth are my own, I received them just now for some commodities; But let the Country man say what he would, it was not beleeved; he was lamentably beaten, his Crown pieces taken from him, and given to the Student.

By this you may perceive, saith Master Otherway, that the Proverb is true, Poverty is subtle. I was lately told of some poor troublesom Students, who had, a little way off the City, caused a dainty Feast to be made ready for them; and knowing that the Landlord had a brother, whom he extreamly loved, which lived about five and twenty miles off; write a Letter to the Landlord, and therein acquaint him that his Brother was very desperately sick, oftentimes calling for him; therefore if he would see and speak with him alive, he must with all possible speed immediately come thither, &c.

Then they found out such a cleaver contryvance to have this Letter delivered into the hands of the Landlord, that he had not the least distrust of a cheat; but away he rides immediately. In the mean while, these Students committed much sauciness and wantonness with the Mistriss and the Maid; till at last locking them both up in a Chamber, away they went without paying.

To this a Miller that sate close by, relates, that lately, not far from his house, two Students laid violent hands upon a woman, and bound her to a Post.

'Tis a Wonder, saith Master Demure, proceeding forward, that since they commit such wicked and so many base actions, more of these Students are not apprehended. When I dwelt at my Country house, there came a parcel of these drunken blades, that were expresly gone abroad to play some mad tricks; they pulled down the pales of my