The Ten Pleasures of Marriage<br />and the Second Part, The Confession of the New Married Couple, A. Marsh [great book club books .txt] 📗

In the mean time, a poor Country man coming by with his empty Wagon; begs of this commander, that he would be pleased to bestow upon him those old Planks and Posts for his winter firing, because he was so poor, that he knew not where to get any: which this Gentleman granting him, he laies on a lusty load upon his Wagon.

Being drove a pretty way of, the owner comes to the place, and sees in what a lamentable condition his Garden lay; asks who had done it, and understands that they were Students which had taken their march towards some of the adjacent Country Towns, but that the Country man with his Planks, must needs be got very far from the City, &c. Away runs the owner with all speed, makes his complaint, and gets an order to arrest the poor Country man, his horse and Wagon. Who coming to be examined at his triall, was condemned to be set in the Pillory, with two Planks set before him, upon which must be written in great white Letters.

Garden-Theef.

These wicked Students stood together to behold this, and laught till they split, to see that this poor innocent Country man, must suffer such shame and punishment for his winter firing.

Just in the same manner, not long ago, some divellish Students, had taken a heavy rail from before a house which was newly set there, but hearing that the Watch or Bell man approched; they presently whept it before another mans dore, where there was none; and leaning all of them over the rail; saluted the Watch with saying, Good night Gentlemen, Good night; and the Watch the like to them again: But the Watch was no sooner gone then they fell to breaking of it all in peeces, and run away as fast as they could drive.

Those people are unhappy, saith Master Talkon, especially such as live in Country Towns, that are near to Cities where there are Universities; for many times one or another must be a sufferer from these roguish natured Students; and they imagine in themselves that all what the Country people possess must be at their pleasure and disposition. Whereby it happens, in the Summer, that for their wicked pastime, they go to rob the Orchards of the best fruit, and to steal Hens, Ducks, and Pigeons; and then again to destroy the Fields of Turnips, Carrots, Parsnips, Beans and Pease, &c. Tearing up such multiplicities, that it would be incredible if we should relate it all. But it is common for them to destroy ten times as much as they can eat or carry away.

And when the Summer is past, that there are no fruits either in Orchards or Fields; then their whole delight and recreation is to commit insolencies in the Streets of the City by night; and if they can but any waies put an affront upon the Watch; that is laught at, and esteemed to be an heroick act.

It hapned lately, that some Students walking out of Town, saw a little boy in the Fields, that was holding the cord of an indifferent Kite, which was in the Air, in his hand; they laughing at him, said, The Kite is bigger than the Boy; come let us ty the cord about the Boy, then they will not lose one another. And immediately catching hold of the Boy, they forced the cord from him, and bound it fast about his middle in a great many knots, then went their way.

Whilest the Boy was very busie and indeavouring to unty the knots, the Wind grew high, insomuch that the Boy used all his strength to hold back the cord; but his strength failing him, he was with a furious blast snatcht up by the Kite from the ground, and presently after let fall again into a pretty deep ditch, where the poor innocent Boy was unhappily drowned.

It would be sempiternal for us here to make a relation of all the petulancy and wickedness of Students, whereof these and other Parents, each in their particular, are miserably sensible of. For every one acts his own part, but it tends altogether unto wickedness, lavishness, and troublesomness.

Here you may see Master Empty-belly takes the greatest delight in the World, nobly to treat some Northern Gentlemen of his acquaintance and Pot-companions, and then again to be treated by them: where there is an absolute agreement made, that when any one of them gets mony from their Parents, he shall give the company a treat of five Guinnies. And though they generally observe, that before they part, one quarrel or other arises, and the Swords drawn; yet this Law is inviolabler, than ever any Statutes of Henry the VIII. were. Which continued so long till one of them be desperately wounded or killed, and he that did it apprehended; and to the great greef of his Parents tried for his life, or else flies his Country, to save it.

Others we may see, that have no greater pleasure then to sit whole nights with their Companions playing at Tables; and there game away Rings, Hats, Cloaks and Swords, &c. and then ply one another so close with whole bumpers of Sack and old Hock, that they are worse then senceless beasts, feeling and groping of the very Walls, and tumbling and wallowing to and fro in their own nastiness. And esteem it to be a Championlike action if one can but make the t'other dead drunk by his voracity of sucking in most. As if they intended hereby to become learned Doctors.

Some again are most horribly addicted to frequent the pestilential Bawdy-houses; of which they are never satisfied, till mony, cloaths, books, and their own health of body is consumed; and then come home to their Parents soundly peppered.

Some there are that oftentimes so deeply ingage themselves with their Landlords daughters, that they can answer to her examination without the knowledge either of their Parents or Doctors, and are fit for promotion in the Art of Nature. But if the Landlady hath never a daughter of her own, there's a Neece or Neighbors daughter, which knows how to shew her self there so neatly, that with her tripping and mincing she makes signals enough, that at their house Cubicula locanda is to be had. And these are the true Divers, that know infinitely well how to empty the Students Pockets.

Thus doth every one act their parts. Whilest the Parents are indeavouring to gather and scrape all together that they can, that their Son, who is many times the onliest or eldest, may go forward in his study, and become perfect in one Faculty. And the more, because they see that he is sharp-witted, and according as his Doctor saith, a very hopefull young man. Little thinking that he makes as bad use of those natural benefits, as he is lavish of his mony.

But it is a common saying that the London-youths must have their wills. Which oftentimes occasions, that when they have studied a long time in Divinity, they finally turn to be some Inns of Court Gentlemen; fearing that their wild Students life, might in any other vocation, be cast in their teeth.

Yet somtimes it also happens, that from the very first they behave themselves modestly, and advance so gallantly in their Studies, that it is a comfort for their Parents, and great benefit for themselves. But nevertheless, though they obtain their Promotion with commendation, reputation, and great charges; yet it is all but fastidious, unless their Parents can leave or give them some considerable means; or that they through their brave behaviours, perfections, and sweet discourses, can inveagle themselves in to a rich match. For many years are spent before they can get a Parsonage or Benefice, and when it doth happen in some Country Town, the means will hardly maintain them.

If he be a Counsellor or Doctor of Physick, what a deal of time runs away before he can come in to practice! especially if in the one he hath not the good fortune to get the two or three first causes for his Clients; and in the other, not to make satisfactory cures of his first Patients. Therefore, what a joy would it have been for the Parents if their Son had spent his time in understanding Shop-keeping, and been obedient to the exhortations of his Parents!

But though some do this, and are therein compliant to their Parents; yet we perceive that this also is subject to many vexations, by reason that the children through a contrary drift, many times disturb their Parents night rest; especially when there are such kind of Maids in the house, that will listen to their humors and fancies.

These will, for the most part, please their Master and Mistriss to the full; and do all things so that their Mistriss shall be satisfied, and have no occasion to look out for another: And yet, in the mean while, all their main aim is, to get and intice the son, with their neatness, cleanliness, friendliness, and gentileness, to be on their side. To that end knowing how, as well as their Mistriss, to Hood themselves, curl their locks, and wantonly overspread their breasts with a peece of fine Lawn, or Cambrick, that they seem rather to be finically over shadowed then covered, and may the better allure the weak eys of the beholders.

These know that Dame