Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life, Jason Goodwin [ink book reader .txt] 📗

toAA/NA/Celebrate Recovery meetings, prayer, talking to my sponsorwhen I feel like drinking or using, etc…

_____ 14. I feel that I really want to staysober and improve my life.

_____ 15. I am beginning to see the positiveeffects of sobriety on my mood, my willingness to takeresponsibility, my self-care, my self-esteem, my relationships, andthe overall quality of my life.

_____ 16. I am motivated to continue to dowhatever it takes to stay sober, because I know from otherrecovering addicts that my life will continue to improve as long asI continue to work my recovery program.

Chapter 5 –Sexual Addiction

“Sexuality is colored by our emotions andexperiences.”

-Jason Goodwin

Survivors of sexual abuse often developsexually addictive behaviors. Sex addicts hire prostitutes,compulsively view pornography, or seek out shallow, sexualencounters. I used to believe that engaging in these addictivebehaviors might somehow cathartically help me to release my issues.But in truth, those behaviors only caused me greater shame.

Sex is a highly personal, emotionally chargedact. Most of us experience intense feelings during lovemaking.Sexuality can be like a beautiful flower, blooming in wonder andmagnificence. But when a flower is open to the sun, it is alsovulnerable to the storm.

Opening our hearts can lead to great pain.Trusting others means taking a risk. Sometimes people will love usdeeply and enrich our lives. Other times, they will abuse us orbetray us.

Most of us feel vulnerable during the sexualact, whether it’s with someone we love or someone who is abusingus. Sexuality is colored by our emotions and experiences. Ashumans, I believe that sex is the closest we can come to the act ofcreation. For that reason, sexuality is one of our most cherishedgifts. When sex is violent, abusive, or forced on an unwillingparticipant, it is a violation of something we hold very dear.

When someone wants to hurt us, they desecratewhat we cherish most. Some abusers threaten to hurt us or ourfamilies in an attempt to force us to commit acts that are againstour will or our morals.

Some of us react to the trauma of sexualabuse by identifying with the abuser. We want the kind of power theabuser seemed to feel when he/she sexually abused us. Later inlife, we feel drawn to sexual situations that make us feel powerfuland in control. We may even engage in behavior that involvesdegrading or humiliating a partner sexually.

Others react to the trauma of sexual abuse bybecoming the victim. We convince ourselves that we deserved to beabused. We come to believe that we exist only for the gratificationof others. We choose partners who victimize us, humiliate us, andexploit us. This pattern leads some survivors into lifestyles ofprostitution, stripping, or pornography.

It is difficult to explain the pain of sexualabuse to someone who was never abused in this way. “What’s the bigdeal?” they ask. “It’s only sex.”

Sometimes family members wish we would just“get over it.” Others try to blame us for the abuse because we wereacting too seductively, flirting with an abuser, or because wenever told anyone about it. But the truth is that most of us neverhad the power, as children or adults, to prevent what was happeningto us.

Healthy sexuality is a bigger part of ouridentity than many of us realize. People who were sexually abusedoften react with an enormous amount of physical, sexual, emotional,and spiritual pain.

I believe that we feel proud of our abilityto create life. Our abusers attempted to distort this beautifulgift and turn it into a cruel weapon. Some of us began to fear sex.We learned that sex can be an explosion of rage rather than anexpression of love. We learned how sex can become an addiction,used only for self-gratification or power.

After having been sexually abused, ourbeliefs about sexuality can change for the worse. Some of uslearned to imitate our abusers by separating the sexual act fromlove. We learned to meet our own sexual needs at the expense ofothers. We began to use sex as a medication to change the way wefelt. We began to see others as sexual objects instead of the humanbeings they truly are.

In the end, we wound up abusing ourselves.Many of us subjected ourselves to sexually abusive situations andrelationships without even realizing it.

As survivors of sexual abuse, it is essentialto unlearn whatever negative things we came to believe about sex.We must challenge every act of cruelty that was perpetrated uponus. Sex is only fulfilling when it is mutually respectful and doneout of love. Healthy sex was meant to be an equal exchange, withoutone person gaining power or control over the other. Sex shouldalways be consensual or it is abuse.

Human beings are not sexual objects. We aremade of light and love. None of us deserve to be abused.

When we lose ourselves in sexual addiction,we are lost in the values and beliefs of our abusers. Acting outsexually cannot lead us to greater health or happiness. When wecontinue to engage in sexually addictive behaviors, we continue todegrade and devalue both ourselves and others.

As sex addicts, we often develop shallow,hyper-sexual relationships because we want to avoid true intimacy.We use others for sex, and encourage them to use us in the sameway.

Sexual addiction can make lovingrelationships impossible. Substituting sex for love can actuallyprevent us from ever getting the love we truly need.

Addictive sex is not love, and sexuallyaddictive relationships are not about love. As sex addicts, we mayexperience a lot of sexual pleasure, but are often starving for thelove we truly need.

Sexual addiction can destroy love. When onepartner cheats on another, the trust in that relationship is oftendestroyed. If one partner acts out his/her addiction toprostitution or pornography, he/she can grow distant and lost intheir addiction. The partner of a sex addict may also begin to growemotionally and sexually distant.

Sexual addiction is disdainful of love. Asour addiction progresses, we begin to see others as sexual objectsor drugs we can use to get high. Sexual addiction reduces a humanbeing to an object of desire. Over time, we feel increasinglyguilty and ashamed of our behavior.

Actions speak louder than words. We will onlyfeel better about ourselves when we abstain from addiction. We mustallow our feelings to happen instead of