Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life, Jason Goodwin [ink book reader .txt] 📗

who were sexually abused sometimes turnto prostitution, stripping, or the “adult entertainment industry”because feeling wanted for sex can feel better than neglect orabandonment. But “Johns” don’t care who we are. They only careabout the sex we can provide.

When it’s obvious that others don’t carewhat’s inside of us, we begin to feel empty. We may begin to fearthat the contents of our hearts will never be recognized orvalidated. We need to feel loved. We need to be held up andcherished for who we are, not just “what we’re good for.”

We are human beings, with our own hearts andminds. We do not exist for the fulfillment of another person’sdesire, but because God recognizes our true value and wants us tolive.

Is it good enough to be a sexual object? Realpeople are worthy of love. Real people are worthy of respect. Howcan we make this transition from object to person?

When engaging in sexually addictivebehaviors, we don’t want our sexual conquests to be people at all.We want them to be objects. We want them to be shallow,superficial, hypersexual, and eager to please. We want them to beempty.

We don’t want to know how they’re feeling.Sex addicts usually feel powerless and harbor a lot of pain. Sexualproviders are hurting too. Yet both try to deny the pain they feelinside.

An object doesn’t have feelings. That’s whywe treat others and ourselves as objects. Instead of owning ourpain and working through it, we pretend that we feel nothing.

To heal this wound within our soul, we mustlearn to nourish ourselves, love ourselves, and allow ourselves tofeel. We are human. We cannot hide from the pain inside of us.There’s nowhere to run.

Pain is only as powerful as we allow it tobe. When we allow ourselves to release our painful emotions, ouraddictions grow weaker with time. Given enough healing, we canovercome our addiction to sex.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #1:Sexual Addiction and BrokenRelationships

When I was abused, I wanted love but receivedonly contempt. Over time, I grew tired of always wanting somethingI could never have. So at the age of nine, I began to substitutesomething I could have. Something I could control.

Over time, my relationships becameincreasingly sexual in nature. I kept trying to convince myselfthat sex was just as good as love. I tried to convince myself thatsexual intimacy was just as good as emotional intimacy. But sexwithout love is unfulfilling. I was lying to myself. I experienceda lot of sexual pleasure, but was void of emotional gratification.Sex always left me wanting more.

My sexual addiction was an effort to convincemyself that I didn’t need true love and intimacy in my life. I hadnever received the kind of love I wanted during the abuse, so Itried to convince myself that I didn’t need it as an adult.

But I do need love.

In the past, not getting the love I neededwas agony. The pain was too much to bear. So I tried to substituteanything I could to numb the pain. Even when I knew it wouldn’twork. Even when I knew it was a lie. Even when I knew I was onlyhurting myself.

The agony of trying to live without lovefueled my denial, my failed compensations, and my hopelessness.Without love, I am lost.

I realize now that my past, failedrelationships were the result of my sexual addiction. In the past,I made stupid, illogical choices. Choices that were based ongetting sex, because I thought that’s all I wanted. I overlooked orignored the important parts of a relationship. Things like love,trust, intimacy, and support.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #2:Quitting Sexual Addiction

Sexual addiction is of group of sexualbehaviors that lead to obsessions, compulsions, and shame.

Reasons to quit my sexual addiction:

1. I don’t want to feel so ashamed ofmyself.

2. I don’t want to feel so out ofcontrol.

3. I don’t want to keep hurting myself-esteem.

4. I don’t want to hurt others.

5. I don’t want to abuse my power.

6. I don’t want to keep reliving the pain ofsexual abuse. (My sexually addictive behaviors feel likere-enacting the abuse.)

7. I want to treat others and myself withlove and respect.

8. I want greater sexual integrity.

When sexually addictive thoughts or feelingssurface in my mind, I will repeat the word “no” over and overagain.

I will remove and avoid all triggers foraddictive sex (pornographic materials, places where I engaged insexually addictive behavior, etc...)

Exercise6-1

ReprogrammingSexual Beliefs

This is a list of commonly held, falsebeliefs about sexuality. Each is followed by a healthieralternative.

1. Sex is an explosion of rage, and a way tovent my angry feelings.

-No, sex is an expression of love. It is away to give others joy or pleasure.

2. It’s okay to meet my sexual needs at theexpense of others. It doesn’t matter if I neglect their feelings,betray them, or use them for sex.

-No, it is never okay to meet my sexual needsat another person’s expense. I need to give my sexual partnersrespect and always consider their feelings.

3. Having many shallow, sexual encountersmakes me powerful.

-No, having many shallow, sexual encountersmakes me a sex addict.

4. Having many sexual partners means I amdesirable.

-No, having many sexual partners means that Idon’t feel I deserve to get the love I need in a safe, healthyrelationship.

5. I will use sex to make myself feelbetter.

-Sex is not medicine. If I often feeldepressed, anxious, nervous, or upset, I need to seek counseling,get medication for depression or anxiety, and learn to express myfeelings in a healthy way without always turning to sex.

6. If I have sex with enough people, I willfeel better about having been abused.

-No, the more promiscuous I become, the worseI will feel about myself.

Process Questions

How healthy were my past sexualexperiences?

How do I feel about the way I have expressedmyself sexually?

If I expressed my sexuality in an unhealthyor addictive way, what would I like to change?

What steps could I take to quit my unhealthysexual behaviors? (Go to a 12-step meeting, work on sexual abuseissues, journal about my feelings, take medication for depressionor anxiety, talk to a counselor, change my beliefs about sexuality,etc…)

How will stopping my unhealthy sexualbehavior improve my self-esteem?