Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life, Jason Goodwin [ink book reader .txt] 📗

to the otherbecomes a self-destructive cycle. If we avoid relationships becausewe are afraid of getting hurt, our needs can grow so big over timethat we end up abandoning safety and ignoring common sense. We thenthrow ourselves into intimate relationships with people we barelyknow. When our latest, ill-conceived relationship ends, we go backto isolating ourselves because we feel so hurt and depressed.

Some of us grow increasingly bitter aftereach betrayal. “See, I got hurt again! No one is worthy of mytrust. No one will ever treat me well. It’s completelyhopeless.”

Because we have a hard time finding balancewith this question of trust, we should probably start with a policythat allows us to take a measured approach. Often it is easier tohave a plan. Otherwise, we may find ourselves compromising too muchof what we want in our relationships.

The following is an example of my personalpolicy for relationships. I suggest that you develop your ownpolicy if you have a hard time knowing when to trust others. Youmight use mine as a starting point. Modify whatever you like andkeep whatever sounds reasonable to you. The policy we follow shouldbe designed to help us move at a reasonable pace with ourrelationships. The risks we take in a relationship should always bemeasured.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #1: Intimate Relationship Policy

Phase 1 – Months 1-4

1. Do not throw yourself into a relationship:Remain where you are. Remain in your place of residence. Remain inyour job. Maintain your usual activities. Remember that dating andthe early stages of a relationship are a trial period. Do not allowyour life to change in any significant way.

2. Do not over-disclose about yourself:Refrain from telling a partner all the details of your history,especially the very personal parts. Refrain from putting yourselfin a vulnerable situation with someone you cannot yet trust. Do notopen yourself up too much during this time.

3. Do not over-spend: Never make financialcommitments that involve substantial risk during this phase.Examples of risky financial commitments are giving someone a loan,helping someone with their rent, or spending money on relocating toa new area. Your financial commitments should remain at an amountof money you are willing to lose. For myself, this means less thanone thousand dollars.

4. Do not over-commit: Do not make promisesfor the future. Do not make wedding arrangements or long-term planswith someone in this phase. If it is an intimate relationship, youmay want to commit to monogamy if you are comfortable doing so thisquickly, but only if your partner is willing to make a similarcommitment.

5. Understand that you are more likely tooverlook someone’s faults during this time. This is the “honeymoonphase.” If you realize that you can’t trust this person duringPhase 1, or if you or he/she has become abusive or disrespectful,don’t let the relationship continue.

Phase 2 –Months 5-6

1. Begin by disclosing more information aboutyourself. Wait for their reaction to determine if you can trustthem with your disclosures. Talk about the things you want anddon’t want from a relationship, and see if he/she feels the sameway.

2. Have a conversation about where you wantthe relationship to go. Do you want to continue to be friends withthis person? Are you in love? Do you want the relationship to moveto the next level?

3. Do not make any major changes to your jobor living arrangements. Maintain your usual activities.

4. Do not make any long-term commitments orpromises during this time.

5. Try to look realistically at their faults.Can you live with their issues? How much do their faults concernyou? Is your partner abusive in any way? Does he/she care aboutmeeting your needs? Is he/she willing to compromise? Is he/shewilling to work on his/her personal problems and work to better therelationship? Can your partner see and admit his/hershortcomings?

6. If you have similar goals, if you bothwant your relationship to move to the next level, if you can livewith each other’s faults, and you are happy with the answers tothese questions, you may want to move to Phase 3. If you realizethat you can’t trust this person during Phase 2, or if you orhe/she has become abusive or disrespectful, don’t let therelationship continue.

Phase 3 –Months 7-9

1. If you are in an intimate relationship andyou are considering a commitment to this person, try livingtogether first if it doesn’t violate your religious beliefs. Livingtogether can be very different than dating. Try living together forat least 3 months before proceeding to the next phase.

2. Have a conversation about living together.Is it something you think can work? Are there things you can do tomake your life together more comfortable? Is your partner overlycontrolling about your living arrangements?

3. Do not allow the move to severely disruptyour life. Keep your financial commitments to under a thousanddollars initially. Have an escape route. If you can, maintain yourcurrent residence while living with your partner, or make sure thatyou can move out at a moment’s notice. Do not move any greatdistance. Do not change jobs. Do not assume that it will workout.

4. Do not make any long-term commitments orpromises during this time.

5. Try to look realistically at whether ornot your partner has changed since you moved in with him/her. Hashe/she begun to act differently? Has he/she become disrespectful?Do you enjoy living with this person? Are you comfortable, or areyou “walking on egg-shells?” In what ways has he/she changed? Doesyour relationship make you feel better about yourself or worse?

6. If you like your living arrangements andit seems to be working out, consider moving to the next phase. Ifyou realize that you can’t trust this person during Phase 3, or ifyou or he/she has become abusive or disrespectful, don’t let therelationship continue.

Phase 4 –Months 10-12

1. At this point, it is important to discloseanything else about yourself that may cause problems for therelationship. See if this person can be trusted with theinformation you want to share with them.

2. If you are considering a long-termcommitment, or even marriage, have a discussion about what youwant. Talk about the way you believe married people should behaveand the way they should treat one another. What does your partnerexpect from a marriage? Do they want children? Do you