Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life, Jason Goodwin [ink book reader .txt] 📗

of greater ignorance to a state of greaterunderstanding. As we learn and grow, our behaviors change. We learnto recognize our own, unhealthy behavior patterns.

Judging ourselves too harshly can mire us inshame and guilt. It blocks the natural flow of life and the normalgrowth process.

We can change. We can heal the abuse of ourpast. We need not sentence ourselves to a life of misery.

Self-condemnation is unhealthy. Perfectionismis unhealthy. We are all human and we all make mistakes. It’s okay.We’re on the same path. We’re all imperfect.

Perfectionists are lying to themselves andthe world. They labor endlessly in an attempt to measure up toimpossible standards, because they’re too afraid to accept thereality of who they are. And who are they, really? They’re human.They’re imperfect and insecure, just like the rest of us.

It’s important to become more comfortablewith our humanity. We need to avoid judging ourselves too harshly.Instead, we can accept where we are and focus our energy on thepositive goals we’d like to accomplish.

Sometimes we have very little control overour circumstances. But success is not a measure of thecircumstances we find ourselves in. It is a measure of ourattitudes and our actions.

We were sexually abused. Those are thecircumstances. If we survived this long, we have every right tofeel good about ourselves. We have displayed courage, strength, andpersonal resolve. This is the true measure of our success.

Judging ourselves too harshly can become aform of self-abuse. We need to treat ourselves with kindness andunderstanding. If we have unhealthy behavior patterns, we mustrealize that we can work to change them over time. Addictions aredifficult to overcome and deep emotional trauma is slow to heal.Being patient and persistent always pays off, especially with themore difficult challenges in life.

The opposite of judging ourselves too harshlyis failing to look honestly at our own faults. As humans, there aretimes when we try to blame our personal shortcomings on others.Sometimes we complain about a partner but fail to see how weattract people who mistreat us. We criticize others for theiraddictions or selfish behaviors, but fail to see our own.

When we remain blind to our personal issues,we fail to develop the motivation necessary to change. Sometimes wehave to experience negative consequences before we recognize wehave a problem.

We cannot stop this world from producingabusers. We cannot change a partner or parent who does not want tochange. The problems in our lives that deserve the most attentionare the ones inside our own hearts and minds.

Certainly we can advocate for greatereducation to prevent sexual abuse. We can support increased fundingfor treatment. We can network with other survivors to createsupport groups that make us feel less isolated and more understood.But our emphasis must always be on healing ourselves.

When we work to align our behavior with ourvalues, we develop greater insight into where we’re at, where wewant to go, and what it will take to get there.

Exercise 25-1

Defining Our Values

On a blank piece of paper, make a list of thetop ten things you value most. Rank them from 1-10, with 1 beingthe most important and 10 being the least.

Then take another piece of paper and divideit into two columns. The first column will be entitled, “My currentbehavior concerning this value.” The second column will be called,“The kinds of behavior that would support this value.”

“My current behavior concerning this value,”includes the amount of money or time that you spend with thisperson or thing, how often you think about this person or thing,and actions you currently take that support this person or thing.It also includes anything you do that sabotages or hurts thisperson or thing.

When filling out “The kinds of behavior thatwould support this value” column, brainstorm anything you could dothat would support this person or thing. This might includespending more time or money on this person or thing. It could meangiving this person or thing more of your attention. It mightinclude taking steps to ensure the safety of the person or thingyou value.

Repeat this exercise for each of the top tenthings on your list. When you are finished, try to find anydiscrepancies between the first and second columns. In what ways doyour actions support your values? In what ways do they conflict?What do you need to work on? In which areas are you doing well?

Chapter 26 –Self-Care

“I define comfort as self-acceptance. When we finallylearn that self-care

begins and ends with ourselves, we no longer demandsustenance and

happiness from others.”

-Jennifer Louden

Good self-care is a critical part of ourhealing process. It’s important that we make every effort to meetour physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs.

Unfortunately, we live in an imperfect world.Sometimes we need to make compromises. When we can’t meet our needsin exactly the way we’d like, we need to do the next best thing.It’s not enough to say, “I can’t afford the hundred-dollar permonth membership at the gym of my choice, so I guess I can’texercise and be healthy.”

There are cheaper alternatives. How muchwould it cost to buy an exercise bike or a punching bag? Hiking,jogging, or doing pushups and sit-ups on a daily basis is notoutside anyone’s price range. Sometimes we need to meet our needsin simpler, less expensive ways.

Low self-esteem can make it hard for us totake good care of ourselves. We may begin to overlook or ignore themost basic aspects of self-care.

The first type of need we may overlook isphysical. We may stop going to the doctor and getting regularcheck-ups. We may stop eating healthy food or getting enough sleep.Some of us lose interest in our appearance, get fewer haircuts, andstop exercising.

We may turn to alcohol and drugs. Turning toan addiction is the opposite of self-care. Addictions aredestructive to our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritualhealth. As our addictions get worse, so does our self-esteem. Ourbodies become ill. We develop stomach ulcers, heart disease,bronchitis, or lung cancer. Taking care of ourselves physicallymeans working to overcome our addictions.

Some of us engage in risky sexual behavior orhave unprotected sex. This behavior can become veryself-destructive.

I know men who argue that wearing a condomkills the enjoyment, but underneath that sentiment is often a partof them that